Contents

Chocolate Freaks Are *So* Natural.

Coronation of the Chocolate Freak.

Not Even Chocolate Will Cure This.

The Chocolate Freak and the Council of Doom and Annoyance.

Notes:  a lot of little  bunnies went into this very demented piece of fiction.  <G>  the things I come up with when I'm offline for two weeks thanks to the holidays.  Thanks to: Danyella, Josette, MM, Jaderose, Kat, Amanda, and a few others that I didn't get the name of when I saved down ideas.

Chocolate Freaks Are *So* Natural.

Xander was nibbling on his second piece of chocolate that night, smiling at the girls as they argued.  It was usual girl stuff, but it was still amusing to watch.  He took another bite and chewed.

"Xander, what are you eating?" Willow demanded.

"Candy bar," he said, waving it a bit before taking another bite.  "I needed the energy to watch you two fuss."

"You need to eat better.  All that chocolate can't be good for you and it's not nutritious," Willow complained.  "You need to give up the chocolate and the twinkies and the soda."

"I eat well enough when I'm eating meals, Willow, and you're not my mother."  She tried to snatch it but he held it above her head with an evil smirk.  "Keep it up, watch me go tell the vamps about that present you just got Tara."

She growled and took the candy bar by magic but he plucked it back and ate the rest then put the wrapper in his pocket.  "No more candy, Xander."

"Shut up, Willow.  I'm not dating you and you're not my mother," he said through the mouthful.  He swallowed.  "There, better.  Now I have the energy to patrol and watch Buffy's back while you nag her about her hair again."  He stared her down.  She huffed off.

"You probably should eat better, Xander," Buffy said.

"I eat very well when I'm having meals.  I had to skip dinner because this big bad came early."  She sighed, nodding that she understood.  "Excuse me for needing food for energy after *working* all day."

"Fine."  They went to set themselves up to face the demon later.  Then Willow could nag Xander to eat real food before he got onto a bouncy sugar high and destroyed them all.  He was a bit bouncy but just enough to keep up with the slaying tonight.  She finally killed the demon and they all looked wiped.   She looked at her crew.  "Well, it's done."  She pushed back her sweaty hair.  "I say we go home, shower, and then collapse in bed."

Xander checked his watch.  "I need to do that soon anyway," he agreed.

"You could come spend some friendy time with us," Willow suggested.

He gave her an odd look.  "I have to work tomorrow, Willow.  That means I have to be at the site at seven-thirty."  She slumped.  "It's almost two."  She groaned.  He pulled a granola bar out of his back pocket and offered it to Buffy.  "You'll never make it home."

She took it to nibble on and he got one of his own out.  "Thanks, Xander.  Have a good day at work."

"You too.  Happy classes."  He walked off nibbling, staking the vampire that tried to run at the group on his way off.

Buffy nibbled, letting Willow have the other end for a bite.

"Why did he have chocolate chip granola bars?" she asked bitterly.

"Because he's a Xander and they're seriously chocolate freaks.  Plus these taste better than the more healthy ones but are still a bit more healthy than a candy bar."  She looked around.  "C'mon, we'll head back to the college.  I call first shower."  They walked off while Buffy finished her treat, tossing out the wrapper when they walked past a trash can.  "That mandatory overtime he's been pulling has been killing him.  Even Anya's complained."

"I heard what she complained about."

Buffy gave her a shoulder nudge and a grin.  "She complained about other things too, Wills."

"If you say so.  I still think we should make Xander eat better."

"I'm sure he eats well enough all the time.  I know when I stopped by at lunch to talk to him about tonight he was eating a few ham and cheese sandwiches."

She glared back at the way Xander had went.  "He doesn't need all that.  He's not a growing boy."

"Willow, he works really hard all day.  He didn't get off work until nearly seven tonight and you heard him say that it was a twelve-hour day for him today if that's true."  Willow slumped.  "He burns it off.  It's not like he's getting fat.  He's gained more muscles.  That t-shirt he was wearing used to be looser on him."

"Whatever."

"Why the mom act all of a sudden?"

"It's always been my job to watch out for Xander."

"Well, now it's Anya's."

"She doesn't like him eating all that chocolate either.  She said he gets too bouncy in bed," she said in a 'ha' voice, smirking at her logic.

Buffy stared at her.  "Anya doesn't mind him being bouncy in bed unless he ignores the oral sex, Willow."  She squeaked and blushed.  "Really, that's not her problem with it.  The last time she complained he had been so bouncy was because she got worn out.  Finally."  They kept walking, letting her consider it.  "Let Xander do his own diet, Willow.  He's a big boy and every kid has to leave the nest sometime.  Besides, nagging like that is Anya's job now."

"Fine.  Even if we do get a few demons who're more scared of him being bouncy like before."

"In hindsight I think that was kinda funny," she admitted.  "It was amusing they were more scared of him than me because he was hyped on three pounds of chocolate."  Willow shuddered.  "It was finals, he needed it.  He hadn't slept in days.  Hell, I hadn't slept in days."

"Cramming isn't good for you and that's why your test scores were so low."

Buffy gave her a pointed look.  "I think being out all night doing this stuff is why our test scores were so low, Willow," she said dryly.  They walked onto the far edge of the campus.  Of course, there were vampires wandering around looking for food so she got to finish cleaning them up for the night.  "Eww, nail ash."  She huffed but continued on their trek to the dorm.  The shower was calling, she could hear it.  Not literally of course because that would be *bad* and mean she was going telepathic again or something equally mentally straining for her.  She grabbed her shower stuff, her flip flops, and her robe, heading down there to get clean and slayer fresh again.  Willow came in to brush her teeth while she waited but Buffy was not hurrying tonight.  There was no way.  She was tired, sore, and her back hurt from the fight.  Tonight's special sword of the moment had been too heavy.

***

Sam Winchester, wonderful little brother and demon hunter, walked back into their temporary home, handing his big brother his requested soda and ho-ho.  "I saw something interesting."

"In this town?" he demanded, wincing as he shifted.  "This town has nothing interesting.  That's why it's Cleaver-ville, Sammy.  There's no good clubs, no hookers, no good bars.  What could you possibly find?"  He opened his soda to take a drink.

"You mean beyond the fact that I saw three kids fighting a demon?"  Dean nearly choked.  Sam had to help him so he didn't have to move too far.  Dean had seriously screwed up his leg.  They were resting here until they could see the healer Bobby had sent them to.  And possibly if Dean had to do some therapy for it so he didn't limp.

"Excuse me?" he demanded.  "Are we sure?"

"One guy about your size.  One tiny blonde girl, one redheaded girl casting magic at it.  Tiny blonde girl had a huge sword.  I work with the guy.  I recognized him.  He's the interior crew chief."  Dean gave him a horrified look.  "Demon was a big sucker, one of the funny looking ones."  He sat down.  "I also saw my coworker stake two vampires on the way home since I kinda followed him a bit."

"Damn.  I never would've expected.  This town seems...."

"Way too normal?" Sam agreed.  "Yeah, I think maybe the town's undercover.  I'll start some research on the local problem areas to see if I can help while you heal."

"They might like that."  He took a drink of his soda.  "Anything else you saw?"

"The redhead was nagging the boy about his eating habits.  Apparently he's got a chocolate habit like you do."

"Wonderful!"  He shifted again, swatting at Sam when he got up to shift the pillow he had his leg resting on.  "Quit!  Go fuss over something else."

"You're the only thing in here to fuss over, Dean."

"Then go masturbate or something, Sammy.  Shoo!  Go!"

"Fine.  If you need anything  yell.  I'll be surfing the web in on my bed."  He stared at him.  "Don't try to do the shower tonight without help, Dean.  We don't need to go back to the ER again when you fall.  You hate being down and I get that, but each time you do stubborn stuff like that it makes it take longer until you heal."  He smirked.  "Or else I'll get that redhead girl to come nag you too."  He went back to his room to look up the town online.  He hadn't found anything before but he had only looked for somewhere near that healer that had a cheap cost of living and jobs, plus a hospital in case of emergency with Dean's leg.   What he found amused him.  He walked his laptop out, letting Dean see it.  "We're sitting on the mystical version of a rubber drain plug into multiple hell dimensions," he said dryly.  Dean moaned, reading it over.  "I wonder if Bobby knew when he sent us here."  He took his computer back to email him.

"Tell him I'm fine."

"I'll tell him you said that," he agreed, smirking where Dean couldn't see it.  Dean hated to be down with an injury but that last possessed person had knocked him down and broken his thigh bone up near his hip.  He was lucky he hadn't needed surgery to fix it.  He hoped the healer that was going to see them next week would be able to finish healing it so they could get back onto the hunt for the one that had killed their mom and his girlfriend.  He got an email with coordinates from his father and sent back one with their status but it bounced.  "Shit, Dad."  He sent that to Bobby too.  Bobby could find their dad and beat him to death for them.

***

Xander looked up as the new guy sat across from him.  "Hey, saw you last night," he said, chewing his present bite.  "Fairly stupid, Winchester."

Sam leaned closer.  "I do the same thing you do after hours, Harris."  Xander stopped eating to stare at him.  "My family has for years."

"What brought you to town?" he asked casually.

"My big brother broke his leg about five inches down from the hip joint."  Xander winced.  "There's a healer in town that one of us knew.  Plus some therapy and healing time.  It's cheap to live here but I had *no* idea until last night."

He ate a bite and chewed, shoving some food Sam's way.  "It happens," he admitted.  "The major problems you can cure with a stake."

"Good to know."  He grinned.  "Can you guys use some help?  I'm used to hunting in the woods and stuff but it can't be that much different."

"You busy after work?"

"Nope.  Just gotta cook for Dean."

"That's cool.  Come with me later."  Sam beamed and nodded.  "Eat.  It's going to be a long, hot afternoon."

"I know.  Why was she nagging you?"

"I've known her since the first day of school and she kinda took some raising duties for me.  Last night, I nearly spanked her like her mother should have," he said dryly, cracking Sam up.  One of the other guys joined them in the shade under the tree.  "Hey, Bill, have you met Winchester?  He just joined the crew a few days back."

"Not yet.  Hey."  He waved and Sam waved back.  "Anthony sent me to over to make sure you guys weren't making gay boy plans."

Xander snickered.  "Anthony needs to get his head out of my pants because my girlfriend would be very pissed at that and I'll sic her on him if he keeps it up.  I don't care how gay panicked he is, they do exist and they are everywhere, and even if he doesn't like seeing it happen they can get together.  My friend Willow's a lesbian, dude."

"I'll tell him to mind his own business before you sic that loud girlfriend of yours on him.  Thought you should know."

"Have him do it himself next time so I can kick his ass and suspend him."  Bill smirked as he walked off.  He looked at Sam.  "Do you see a lot of them in more normal places?"

"Yeah but not as forceful."

"He went out last year to protest that the college had gay people.  The lesbians drove him off before they killed him."  Sam laughed.  "Seriously.  So, what do you guys hunt?"

"Mostly things that're causing problems.  Spirits and those things.  One that's a family vendetta.  You guys?"

"There's a lot of vamps," he said quietly.  "A whole lot of vamps."

"I did some digging last night.  That drain stopper thing?" he asked since one of the other guys was nearby.  Xander pointed at the school they were building.  "Oh, tell me you're kidding," he begged.

Xander grinned.  "Can't do that, Sam.  Sorry.  It was here for years when that explosion happened and now we're putting it back here.  Right back under the library."  Sam groaned.  "Eat."

"Yes, sir."  He dug in again.  "How long have you lived here?"

"I was born up the street.  I only managed to escape during a post-grad roadtrip.  I made it to Oxnard and the car broke."  Sam looked at him.  "You?"

"I haven't had a steady home since I was six months old," he admitted.  "We traveled a lot."

"Sorry to hear that."

"It's got its good points but not that many."

"I can see how that'd happen."  He dug into the dessert portion of his lunch.  Sam grinned.  "I don't care what Willow thinks, I like me some chocolate.  Even if a few years ago a few demons were very scared of me on a hyper kick.  Buffy was not happy that they were more scared of me than her.  She claimed I had Bad Idea syndrome that night too."

Sam grinned.  "My brother has a chocolate habit too.   I only caught you guys because I was out getting him a soda and something chocolatey so he could pout."

"Injuries suck."

"Yes they do," Sam agreed.  "Especially since Dean's never been one to sit still.  We're *always* on the go until this happened."

"Huh.  Sounds like it was interesting at least."

"We have met some very interesting people.  Some nice ones too."  He finished up and Xander offered him one of his candy bars.  "No thanks.  I will get bouncy and hyper and hit myself with the hammer."  Xander giggled and finished up.  Sam texted Dean's phone that he had an appointment after work then they went to get sucked back into rebuilding the foundations of the new high school.  "Where?" he asked Xander, getting a point.  "Wow."

"I know, it looks so normal."  They got back to work and it was better.  For now.  Xander had texted Buffy while Sam was texting his brother so she'd be aware that there were more hunters locally.

***

Buffy looked up from her reading as Xander and Sam walked in.  "Hey," she said with a wave.

He looked around.  "I saw you last night, miss.  Good work."

She smiled.  "Way to suck up.  Who are you?"

"Sam Winchester.  My brother's got a broken thigh bone so we're local to have him see a touch healer."

"There's six or seven in town," she admitted.  "You guys hunt what?"

"A lot of spirits, some creatures attacking people and farms.  Generally we're traveling and it hits the news so we go handle it."

"Interesting.  You sure you want to help?"

"Dean's driving me nuts and it only seems fair.  We had no idea the town had this sort of problem when we got here."

She smirked.  "Do your homework next time."

"To be honest I was only looking for somewhere that had jobs and a cheap cost of living so we could hole up while he was injured."

"We do have those thanks to the vamp problem," Xander agreed dryly.  Anya came out of the office.  "Anya, this is Sam Winchester."

She stared at him.  "You must take after your mother.  Your father's more broad and a pain in the ass."

He grinned.  "Dean looks a lot more like him.  You ran into our father?"

"He tried to get me in the butt with rock salt.  It was highly impolite of him," she sniffed.  "Why are you here?"

"Dean's injured.  There's a healer Bobby sent us to."

"Hmmph."  She looked at Xander.  "Is it going to be another long night or should I bother to order?"

He looked at Buffy.  "Just the usual patrol, Anya," she told her.

"Good."  She looked at Sam.  "I descended."

"I hear that can suck.  Which one were you?"

She smirked evilly.  "Anyanka."

"Dad swore about missing you for weeks."  She cackled and gave him a short hug then bounced off again.

Xander looked at him.  "My girlfriend and why Anthony wants to leave me alone about him thinking I'm gay."

"Again?" Anya demanded, coming out of the back with a box.

"Yup, sent Bill over to tell me to quit hitting on Sam.  I told Bill I was going to sic you on him again and then kick his butt before suspending him."

She smirked.  "I could work up a few good vengeance spells since he likes that gay club down on Hallcrest.  I hear they have fun there.  We should go."

"Anya, I have you.  I don't need to go to a gay club," he said patiently.

"I'd like to watch," she complained.

"Then take your buddy Hallie and go," he whined back.  "I'm not going with you."  She huffed but went to stock.  Buffy was snickering.  "Anyway."  He looked at Sam.  "The local vamps are almost all one type.  Stake, behead, or holy water."

"I can do that.  Dad taught us knife fighting."

"Cool.  Buffy, want me to take him or you?"

"You can.  Take the two west cemeteries.  There's only rising out that way but there's a few crypts that don't look as dead as they should."  He nodded, grabbing stuff for them and heading out.  She looked at Anya.  "His family are good hunters or bad hunters?"

"They're fairly good.  They do some bad things to make ends meet now and then but a lot of hunters do.  They aren't kill them all sorts by any means."

"That's good.  I was worried when Xander said there were hunters in town.  Sam was kinda cute."

"Dean's cuter and shorter," she told her.  "Sam's gigantic.  Maybe Xander and he will become friends.  Xander could use more male friends who don't nag him.  Or try to dress him and things."  She went back to her stocking.  "Is there another bad demon coming?"

"There always is but it doesn't seem to be coming soon."  She stood up.  "If Giles asks, I'm heading for the north cemeteries and then back to the campus because I've got a test tomorrow."

"Have fun."  She watched her leave, then pouted.  The Winchesters were here and she couldn't even get their daddy back for trying to shoot her in the butt with rock salt.  It might've hurt her having sex.  She should pout at him.

***

A demon came running at Buffy and she stopped herself and Sam from harming it.  "It's a peaceful one usually and it looks like it was crying," she said.  He had been on patrols with them for about a week now.  She still had yet to meet this mysterious brother but that was okay.  Men weren't that big on her list of likes at the moment anyway.  She stopped the demon from moving past them, making it look at her.  "Is it an attack?"

"The Great Wozaataran died," he sobbed.  "His realm is without a true prince because the last one gave up his title to become human again."  He sniffled.  "Things will start going wrong!" he sobbed.  "They run some of the greater, safer, and more fun realms that help all of us and you humans."  He blinked his eyes at her.  "Make the heir come back?"

"If I knew who this heir was I might talk to him.  Is he local?"

"No.  He's somewhere warm that the people of the realm would melt in."  He looked at Sam then at her.  "There must be an heir.  He was one of the last great Lords."

"Then there's probably an illegitimate son somewhere," Sam offered.  The demon blinked at him then hugged him before running off to suggest that.  People had offered their sons to him all the time!  Maybe one would do!  "That was really strange," Sam told her with a grin.

"Now and then the little problems are more important, Sam.  I like to help where I can with the harmless ones."  She started walking again and he followed.  "Any idea who this Wombat Lord guy is?"

"Um, no.  I can check online later, make sure it won't be a problem coming our way."

"Thanks," she said with a grin.  "That'll save Willow to have some smoochie time with her honey."  Sam just grinned back.  "So, how's the fussy brother?"

"Cranky.  The healer moved the healing along by a few weeks but he's nowhere near ready to start rebuilding the muscle he's losing sitting on his butt on the couch."  She hummed.  "Think I could bring him down tomorrow night so he can quit nagging?  He and Xander should get along okay."

"We've got research tomorrow anyway.  Some new master vampy vamp moving into town."

"Cool.  Thanks, Buffy."  She grinned back.  "He'll be happy to get out of the house."  He staked a vampire running their way and she got the other two.  "They're awfully quiet tonight."

"Maybe the Great Lord Wombat or whoever is upsetting them too."  She shrugged.  "No idea."  He laughed a bit, shaking his head.  "We'll have to see.  Either that or they're having a party tonight."  She shrugged and they kept going.

***

Dean limped in the next night, leaning on his crutches.   He nodded at the girls around his brother.  Which was unfair.  Dean was the one who got all the chicks, not Sammy.  He sat down with a sigh and a chair was pushed over by the only other young guy in the room.  "Thanks, dude."

"Welcome.  You must be Sam's mythical brother Dean?" he joked with a grin.

"And then some," he smirked back.  "Got anything I can do while I'm hopping along?"

"There's stuff to research," Buffy offered.  "We heard last night a Great Lord Wormzar or something died."

Sam coughed.  "Wozaataran."

"Whatever."  She flicked a hand in the air.  "We ran into one who's from a peaceful clan that was crying about him drying.  Said things might happen."

"I can look into that."  Sam let him see what he had found.  "What's his people do?"

"Apparently they're the Givers of Pleasures of the Body.  For some reason I don't think it's sexual gratification but I have no idea what other ones they might be talking about."  He patted Dean on the shoulder.  "We've got patrol later, Buffy?"

"As always," she sighed, looking around.  "Hey, Spike?  Coming with or not?" she called.  "Xan?" she asked him.

"Staying in.  I wrenched my shoulder last night."  She gave him a glare.  "What?  Not my fault I was trying to catch Spike before he tripped over the magical vampire trap."  She moaned and shuddered.  "Find whoever's doing that.  Please?"

"Gladly.  Any ideas?" she asked Willow.

"Not a clue."  Spike came up out of the basement.  "Are you going on patrol tonight or staying in to help research?"

"And do you know anything about Lord Wozaataran?" Sam asked.

"He's the Pleasure Master," he said with an evil smirk.  "His kind invent all sorts of guilty pleasures to tempt others with.  He died?"  Buffy nodded.  "Huh.  Must've starved or something since he was immortal."

"What sort of guilty pleasures?" Dean asked.

"Who're you?" he asked.

"Sammy's my little brother.  I'm in on injury time."

"That's Dean," Sam told him.  "Dean, this is Spike.  He's a master vampire who helps the team here so he can get in his carnage and blood fix."  Dean gave him the oddest look.  "It works for them."

"I'm sure it does."  He looked at Buffy.  "You're a stronger girl than I am."

She smirked.  "You'd make a horrible girl anyway, Dean.  My skirts would ride up really high on your butt."

He burst out laughing, holding his thigh but nodded.  "Very true.  Thanks."

She beamed back.  "You're welcome.  Spike, coming or staying?"

"I'm headed to Willie's for a poker game.  Not much going on tonight if he died last night.  There'll be a memorial sometime soon near the Music Note."  He walked off shaking his head.  He'd miss the old codger.  He was always good to Dru when she had one of her episodes.  She always wanted to nibble on him but he never minded and only grinned at her for it.

"I'll stay and help Dean," Xander offered.  "Shoo, go."  Willow gave him a pout.  "Don't start.  You haven't seen your girlfriend in weeks."  She hurried off.  Buffy and Sam tried to hide their smiles but failed totally as they headed out together.  He grinned at Dean, pushing over a book.  "This is the only reference I've found so far."

Dean looked it over then nodded.  "Interesting."  He looked up some of those facts, finding a few new things.  "It's food sort of pleasures.  His kind created chocolate?"  Xander moaned, shaking his head.  "Hell, maybe I'll go to the memorial."

"Me too."  They shared a grin and Xander offered him some of his M&M's then they got back to work.

Anya stomped in.  "Another Winchester?  Can I get this one back for nearly making it so I couldn't have orgasms?" she demanded of her boyfriend.

"No, Anya.  That was their father, not them," he said, grinning at her.  "Besides, it didn't stop it, Ahn.  Otherwise you'd never get any."  She pouted at Dean, who was staring at her in horror.  "This is Anya.  She descended when her power center got broken."

"Um, hi," he said.  "You're Anyanka, aren't you?"  She smirked and nodded, looking pleased to be remembered.  "I'll tell Dad to leave you alone, that you got humaned.  That way he doesn't try to hunt you down now, Anya."  She beamed and gave him a kiss before going to the register.

Xander looked at him then at her.  "Good thing I'm not the jealous sort."

"You could put him between us," she offered.  "You might like that."

"Anya, my butthole is staying tight and virgin.  No matter how much you might like it to be otherwise," he said impatiently.  "Change the topic.  Dean's a normal."

"Fine."  She looked at them.  "Want to buy something, Dean?"

"Maybe later.  It depends on if we can find what a few other hunters might need for research stuff."  She bounced and clapped then went to get him a list so he could send it on.  "Dude, you're made of stronger stuff than I am," he said quietly.  "Don't you worry about her getting her powers back?"

Xander grinned back.  "If she does, I'm already probably going to be dead."

"Probably," he agreed.

"Then again I'm not like that so she shouldn't."  He shrugged.  "We've been working on normal girl things."  He went back to his reading.

"Dad will *not* believe this," he muttered, going back to his online searching.  Xander just grinned at him.  "I'll put out that she's human now so they won't come to bother her."

"Thanks.  Hate to have to help Buffy smack them down."

"Good point."  He shook his head quickly, sending that email to Bobby.  Anya came back with a catalog list, letting him scan it in with Sammy's portable hand-wand scanner that was in the computer bag.  He thought it was an excessive geek toy but apparently it had some uses.  Dad was going to freak out so long and hard he might start to make sense and be less paranoid for a bit.  Because this town had nothing but stranger shit than they usually saw.

***

Xander looked up from his newspaper reading at lunch a few days later.  "We're free of patrol tonight," he told Sam with a grin.  "The girls are going shopping."

"They won't make us go, right?"

"No, but the look on your face looks a lot like you ate raw rhubarb, Sam," he said dryly.

"Even my ex didn't make me shop with her.  I let her surprise me."

"I've been the slayer shopping pack mule many times," Xander said, trying for prosaic but ending up on tired instead.  "So, anyway, we're free.  I thought we should make your sulky brother feel better.  Maybe bring up some movies?"

"We don't have a VCR or anything but I can see renting one."

"I'll bring over my combo machine."  Sam beamed and nodded.  "You pick up the snacks and let it be a surprise.  I'll get some action, shoot-em up movies?"

"He likes action and comedy."

"I have plenty.  He can choose."  Sam gave him a punch on the arm, going to get his lunch out of the family car while Xander went back to his reading.  Xander could nibble his lunchtime snickers bar while he read his paper under his tree.

"You're going to turn diabetic if you keep eating all that sugar," one guy told him.

Xander looked over, finishing his current bite.  "I feel better after chocolate than I do after a whole meal full of real food and any other dessert.  But I'll keep that in mind."  He ate another bite and went back to his reading.  His guys had some funny, odd notions now and then.

Sam joined him, looking at the paper.  "Anything good going on locally?"

"The high school's math team is going out of town for a competition.  The JV and Varsity cheerleaders both won a competition last weekend.  We were perkier than the other teams I guess."  He grinned at him.  "One of the used car dealers got in trouble with the IRS so they're having a mega-sale to cover the tax debt.  The city pool won't be open this year because it needs fixed too badly."  He went back to reading.  "The editorial cartoon makes little sense because it's about something that happened months ago."  He let him see that one.  "Today's Garfield is kinda cute though.  It's cute that Jon's finally dating.  It gives all geeks hope."

"It is."  He started to eat.  He only had so long on his break.  "You feel better after chocolate than you do real food?"

"Yup.  Don't know why but I always have."  He finished off his candy bar and put the wrapper in Sam's lunch bag.  He finished the paper and went to hand it back to the head boss, then went back to his shady spot.  He had been working on the outer walls in direct sunlight so he needed some shady time.  "How's your team doing?"

"Not too bad.  We've taken a lot more water breaks than you guys have."

"I know.  We'll have more this afternoon since it's getting so hot.  About every half an hour we'll take a whole five to put on sunscreen and gulp water."  He finished his and put the bottle into Sam's bag too, then went to find his sunscreen.  "Guys, it's going to breach the magical three digit limit this afternoon," he announced.  "The temp from my dashboard has it at a stunning ninety-eight right now.  Remember some sunscreen and we'll be taking a lot of water breaks."  They smiled and went to do as ordered.  He looked at the head boss.  "How many more weeks before we can start doing interior work?"

"Probably at least two.  We'll have it all summer long."

"Good.  It's already miserable."  That got a nod.  He checked his watch.  "Ten more, guys."  They finished up and went back to work.  His set his watch to remind him to take breaks and to give them, then dove back into constructing outer walls fo the school.

***

Sam leaned around the door that night with a wicked grin.  "You up for a surprise?"

"You got me a hooker so I don't have to use my hand?" he asked.

"No!"  He walked in and Xander followed.  Sam hooked up the machine while Xander handed over the box.  Then Sam went to get the food and sodas.

Dean looked in the box and nearly sniffled.  "Thanks, Xander."  He grinned.  "I needed a guy moment."

"It's quiet tonight so the girls are shopping."  He settled on the couch at the end of his stretched out leg.   "Is it hurting less?"

"Little bit but I'm still getting some cramps and it's driving me nuts."  He dug into the box, grinning at what had been brought for his viewing pleasure.  He smelled a pizza cooking when Sam came out of the kitchen.  He was a happy hunting boy.  He beamed at them, handing Xander a movie.  He put it in and they settled in to watch it.  Nibbling was only natural during movie nights.  Even when something exploded outside, Xander only sighed and went to open the window so he could use the crossbow Sam found him.  The thing shrieked in misery as it became no more.  "Cool."  Xander came back in the window and handed off the crossbow, going back to the movie night with the guys.  He needed more nights like this too since he was sighing in pleasure about the lack of corsets.

Sam gave him a grin.  "Jess did that to me too, Xander."

"I got it from both of them.  Stupid girl movies," he complained.  "Oooh, I want that gun."

"I'd like one that never ran out of bullets that way," Dean agreed.  He grinned at the kid.  He looked so much younger, even though he was Sammy's age.   "Maybe some day one of us will get one."

"Maybe.  Willow might be able to charm one that way if she gets over her dislike of guns."

"Maybe," Sam agreed.  Dean gave him an odd look.  "Willow's a really strong witch, Dean."

"Uh-huh.  How would she do that?"

Xander shrugged.  "She makes her own spells all the time.  Now and then she goofs, but mostly she's fine."

Dean resisted the urge to bang his head on the couch, just getting a smirk from Sam.  He gave him the 'have we told anyone' look.  Sam gave him a very slight nod back.  So it was covered in case something happened.  Dean shifted then moaned, holding his leg.  Xander paused the movie, shifting to help rub out the cramp.  "Oh, damn, pain."

"I know.  Give it a second, Dean."  The cramp finally eased and it was better.  "Need help?"

"I was going to get more comfortable."

"Here, lay on your side, with a pillow between your legs," Xander ordered, shifting things for him.  Dean curled up and suddenly his butt wasn't numb anymore.  "Better?"

"A lot, thanks.  I can even eat."

"I've got a straw," Sam said, going to get him one for his soda.  Then they went back to the movie.  Dean was comfortable.  Xander was half-asleep from his comfy spot.  Sam got up to get Dean a throw to cover him with since he had goosebumps.  Xander got one too since he was now fully asleep.  Dean and he shared a grin and went back to the movies.  It was great to have a little bit of downtime from the hunting.

***

Willow decided she had to do something about Xander's eating habits.  They weren't good for him.  They were really horrible for him.  They were going to make him sick some day soon and then what would they do on patrol?  So she decided to work on it with a bit of spell work.  A binding wouldn't *really* hurt him, right?   It wasn't a lot of magic, it wasn't a lot of problems for her to have to get past.  Just a simple binding so he never touched chocolate again.  Or at least until his diet evened out.

***

The demons gathered at the memorial looked at the scroll with the wishes of the late Great Lord Wozaataran.  Finally, the temporary leader of his kingdom walked up to it and weighed it in his hand before unrolling it and turning to look at the waiting people.  "It is his wish that the one he adopted known as Lavetella be so honored as to follow him," he announced, handing it over to the waiting hunters.  "This one has imbibed from the spring and is truly one of us.  He has a mark on his back in the shape of a small shield as a birthmark.   Our lord saw ahead and said in the future, if we did not save him soon enough, he would only have one eye but at this moment in time he still probably has two."

Everyone nodded, the hunters bowing before heading off.  "Be gentle.  It says his parents never told him he was adopted into our people's greatness."  He looked at them.  "Until then, things will run as they always have under me."  They bowed to him and left, leaving him to look at the remains of his former boss and friend.  "Why did you quit eating from the sacred chocolate spring, Todd?  It's not right that you already went."  He went to talk to the actual heir, the one who had given it up.  He had to agree to not want it back ceremonially for the new prince to take over the throne.  Plus it would help the new one's transition in case he was distressingly common.

***

Sam looked over when he heard a thump a few days later.  "Boss!" he shouted, hurrying over to check Xander over.  His pulse was weak, he looked pale and shaky.  What he had thought had been the flu wasn't.  "What's wrong with you?" he muttered.  The head boss came jogging when his boss yelled.  "Get an ambulance.  His pulse is fairly weak.  I know he's had the flu recently."  They called one and he waited, calling Willow's phone as they pulled in.  "It's Sam.  Xander just collapsed at work."  He looked at the paramedics.  "He's to go to Hillcrest?"  They nodded.  "Rosenburg said so."

"We know who he is," one of them said quietly.  They loaded him, looking at Sam.

"We're friends."  He hung up on Willow.

"Go," his boss ordered.

Sam nodded, tossing him his hat and tool belt so he could go with Xander.  The ambulance was fairly quick taking them to what had to be a demon hospital.  The doctor that rushed out looked like a giant, walking bug.  Unless Sunnydale was in Wonderland, this had to be a demon hospital.  "He collapsed at work," he told the bug, getting a nod.  "He seemed to have flu-like symptoms for the last few days.  I know he's off his diet.  I haven't seen him eat a single piece of chocolate or a soda in the last few days.  He actually ate a salad."

"We will check him over.  Do we know what type of being he is?" the bug asked in an accent that sounded faintly Chinese.

"As far as I know he's human but Willow Rosenburg said to bring him in."

The doctor looked at the boy then at him.  "What is this one's name?"

"Xander Harris."

"Ah.  Yes, we do have a pact with the slayer because the human hospital is pitiful.  Come, you can wait beside him."  She led him back to the room they had wheeled Xander into.  The others working on him let Sam sit up by his head.  "This one said that his diet has changed drastically in the last two days.  This is Harris, on the slayer's team.  He has not had soda or chocolate in a few days.  He actually ate a salad.  He's had flu-like symptoms."

"Harris not eating chocolate?" one asked, grimacing his mandibles.  "That's odd."  He looked around.  "Is there a magic sensor available?" he called.  One came jogging in.  "This is Harris.  He actually ate a salad."

"That's unnatural."  She laid a hand on his chest, growling.  "Rosenburg bound him from eating bad things."  She looked at Sam, who shrugged.  "Get her and bring her here."

"Is that why he passed out?  He said he's always felt more full and better eating chocolate than he has regular meals."

She frowned, sensing him again.  "He drank from the spring," she announced.  They moved to start a different IV dripping.  "Bring the stupid one here please.  And the slayer.  I will explain this to her."

"Agreed."  He left, jogging to the Magic Box.  He found Anya inside.  "The hospital needs Buffy and Willow *right now*, Anya.  Where are they?"

"Buffy should be in class.  What happened?"

"That thing he thought was the flu?  Was Willow binding him away from chocolate and things."

She snorted.  "That wouldn't make him pass out unless he was actually a breed of demon, Sam."

"The nurse or magic sensor person, whatever they're called, said something about drinking from a spring?"  She went pale and had to clutch the counter for support.  "They want them there immediately and one was growling."

"I'll get them.  You go back to guard him."  Sam nodded, heading back while she called Buffy.  "Xander's at Hillcrest.  He collapsed at work.  They want you and Willow there immediately, Buffy.  The nurse said he drank from the spring so whatever she did against his bad diet is killing him.  I will get her back for that if she doesn't remove it."  She hung up and called Giles.  "It's me.  Xander collapsed and he's at Hillcrest.  I'm heading out now."  She hung up and closed the shop on her way over there.  She found the nurse chewing Willow a new one.  "He drank from the holy spring of Wozaataran?" she asked.  The nurse nodded.  "How?  He's human by all that I could tell."

"We do not know, Anya," the nurse noted.  "All we know is that he does show some signs of adoption by their people.  That is why he feels better eating chocolate than he does real food."  That got a nod.  "Then this one bound him from eating it.  He nearly starved to death.  That's what killed their lord and master in under a week.  A very painful death, Rosenburg.  You will remove it.  Immediately."

"Or else I get to start casting curses for trying to kill my pookie," Anya said grimly.  She was waved into a room by Sam so she walked that way.  "Good, they started an infusion with the feeding tube."  She leaned down to kiss his forehead.  "If you knew about that, you should have told me, dumbass.  I would have made you more chocolate and not thrown out your twinkies."  She looked at Sam.  "How is your brother's leg?  Not that I care a whole lot but it's polite to ask."

"He's getting better.  Xander and I arranged to bring over you guys' dvd player and some movies the other night for him.  He was so happy he nearly danced."

"Good.  I know he likes doing those sort of things for others."  Buffy and Willow walked in together.  "Do you need us to move so you can undo whatever evil spell to kill my pookie this is?"

"I just wanted him to be healthy."

"If he drank from their sacred spring, then chocolate is like water for normal humans," Anya told her.  "Even if he does need some protein and things because he was only partially adopted into the clan's structure for *some* reason, which is probably his parents' doing somehow, he needs the chocolate and sugar more than anything else.  Except maybe the caffeine to make him quit bouncing so much."

"Fine."  She undid the binding and the boy on the bed relaxed, letting the chocolate infusion going on help him.

Anya tested his forehead.  "He's still warm," she called.

"Chocolate will keep you warm," Buffy pointed out.  "That's why no one eats as much when it's warm weather."  She looked at Anya.  "Will he be okay if they straighten this out?"

"He should be.  We'll have to see."  Buffy nodded at that.  "We can only hope that no serious, permanent damage was done to him in those three long days."

"Ease off," Willow pouted.

Anya glared.  "No one asked you to cast a binding, Willow.  Quit it!"

"Fine."  She huffed off.

Sam growled.  Buffy gave him a pat on the arm.  "Does she always do things like this?  Magic people without asking and things?"

"We're working on her magic problems," Buffy admitted quietly.

Sam made Buffy look at him.  "If someone like our dad hears about this, Buffy, there won't be a problem past a bonfire.  Witches who act against others' well being are hunted."  She went pale.  He nodded.  Anya nodded too.  "I'm not going to tell about this one, but you need to point this out to her.  Stress it even."

"She was nearly burned at the stake.  That should be enough for anyone."  She grimaced.  "I'll tell her, Sam.  Thank you for not turning her in this time."

"I like Xander as a buddy, Buffy.  I know she's important to him."  She nodded.  A nurse came in to check on him.  "Should someone get him things to wear or is he being checked out later?"

"He'll be here for at least two days," she told him.  Sam nodded at that.  Anya went to get him something to wear and some soda to sneak in.  "The witch?"

"Removed it and left to sulk," Buffy said.  "She thought she was being all helpy and momish.  They're kinda like that with each other now and then."  Sam gave her an odd look.  "He does nag her."

"She forgot a stake last time," he agreed.  Buffy smiled.  "I'll stay out of it, Buffy.  It's not my business."

"No, it's cool.  I'd nag about that too."  She looked at the nurse.  "How much chocolate should he eat?"

"At least a cup a day.  Until he's better at least two."  She nodded.  "They can take many forms, including sauces over meat dishes.  We have a good magazine from their people that have many interesting ways to put it into other food dishes."  She handed it over.  "I know your mother cooks and would worry."

"Oh, she's going to fuss," she agreed dryly.  "When can she come fuss?"

"Later tonight.  After dinner."  Buffy nodded, going to tell her that and give her the magazine.  "Are you staying?"

"Until Anya gets back.  That way he doesn't wake up alone."

"That's a good friend.  Are you on the local team?"

"My brother and I are here while he's being treated for a broken leg.  Once I found out the town was so overrun, I did jump in since our family are hunters."  She gave him a confused look so he grinned and held out a hand.  "Sam Winchester.  Dean broke his thigh bone."

She shook it limply.  "Is he seeing someone here?  Usually we'd hear when your sort come to town."

"He's seeing a healer at the clinic downtown by the First National Bank."

"Ah, I know of her.  She's decent at it.  I hope he feels better."

"I conform to local rules and Dean's helping research and stuff," he offered with a gentle grin.

"Good.  That's something that will calm down the paranoid ones."  She left to let that be known.   If they were friends, Harris had quite a strong guardian in that one.  She found the doctor over the ER.  "Did you recognize Mr. Harris' hovering friend?"

"Why would I have?"

"His father once tried to shoot you for over stitching his leg."  The doctor turned purple, which was a species trait with him.  "That's Samuel Winchester hovering over him.  He said they're in town to visit Magdaline over his brother Dean's broken thigh bone."

"Interesting.  I'll let it be known."

"He's been hunting with the slayer.  He just told her he was going to stay out of the argument coming up with Rosenburg.  That he conforms to local standards."

"Even better!"  He went to tell the head of the demon hospital.  They could tell the other important demons in town.  It might be time for a good, long vacation.  The slayer would appreciate that too he was sure.

***

Sam walked back onto the site before the end of the day.  "Xander's going to be down for about three days."

"All the candy catching up to him?" the head boss joked.

"Actually, he hasn't been able to eat any in three days and the lack was making him that sick."  They all stared.  He nodded.  "So they're keeping him for a few days then they'll give him a few days of bed rest probably.  His friend Buffy promised her mom could fuss later."

"Good to know.  Do you have his excuse from the hospital?"  Sam handed it over with a grin.  "I'll file this with our insurance.  I thought it was odd he was eating a salad."

"His buddy Willow made him."

"Ah.  Nagging female friends.  Probably wanted him to go a health kick and eat tofu too," he sighed, shaking his head.  "Okay.  Are you going to be sitting with him tomorrow?"

"No, sir.  I can be back at work tomorrow.  Anya, his girlfriend, is going to be hovering over him tomorrow to nag."

He smirked.  "I'm sure she'll be asked to be more quiet by the nurses since she's rather loud.  Good job, Winchester.  Head home for the day."  Sam nodded, heading home.  He walked over to talk to the other crew chiefs.  "Xander will be back in a few days.  That Willow girl, the redhead I think, made him eat healthy and it screwed up his body.  Winchester said the lack of chocolate was what made him pass out."  One of them looked confused.  "Don't ask me, Harris *always* eats chocolate.  He's at Hillcrest they said."  They nodded.  "Few days in, a few days at home so he'll be back early next week."  They nodded again.  "Don, take over his team for now?"

"I can do that.  Let me tell them so they can fuss over him too, boss.  Thanks."  He went to where Xander's crew was working.  "Guys, got news on Xander."  They stopped to look at him.  "Clean up since it's end of the day."  They did that and gathered around him.  "He's at Hillcrest.  He'll be back early next week.  The big boss got told it was because that redheaded friend of his nagged him into eating healthy.   He hadn't had chocolate in a few days and apparently his body didn't like that."

One of the guys frowned.  "I thought I saw him eating a salad."

"Apparently she nagged."  He shrugged.  "He'll be back early next week and they're only keeping him for a few days.  So if you want to visit, head there instead of General."

"I thought Xander was normal," one said quietly.

"Hillcrest is the better hospital," another said.  "It has doctors that won't kill you.  Since Harris' nighttime activities means he knows about that stuff, he probably goes there because he knows they won't kill him."  That got a nod from that first guy but one was still scowling.  "What about Winchester?"

"He's fine.  He went with him to tell his other friends and his girlfriend.  He's the one who brought us news.  I heard the boss say that Xander's girlfriend could hover now so he'll be back on shift tomorrow."  They all nodded at that.  "Until Xander's back, you're my crew.  Got it?"  They all nodded.  "Good.  Head home, guys."  They left talking about what Hillcrest was for those who didn't know.

A few had no idea that Xander wasn't a normal human.  They'd have to pass that on so the ones hunting the new heir knew to test him.

***

Xander woke up to a glowy figure above him.  "Brain damage?" he asked it.

She muted her aura.  "Sorry, I was reading your magical signature."  She smiled.  "How are you feeling?"

"What happened?  I feel ok so why am I here?"

"It seems your friend Miss Rosenburg bound you from eating sweets for a bit."

"I knew I complained about the salad for some reason," he said dryly.

She laughed.  "With the ones that adopted you, you have to eat so much chocolate a day, Mr. Harris.  It keeps you from starving to death.  You're very lucky you lasted that long without dying.  Quite a few of them can't last three days."

"Hold on, adopted?"

She put the chart against her chest, crossing her arms over it.  "Did you hear about the Lord Wozaataran dying?"

"I did.  I don't know who he is.  Sam found him somewhere and said his people created a great pleasure."

"Hmm.  His people invented chocolate among other things.  His people also need it to live.  For them it's as necessary as humans needing water is."  Xander gave her a confused look.  "It appears that sometime when you were very young, you were adopted by a member of his people.  Part of that is drinking from the sacred spring.  Which means that your body also has that same need."

"So that's why I feel more full eating a snickers bar than I do after Thanksgiving dinner?"

"Indeed."  He just nodded once.  "Now, with you not having any for three days, that's like a human body not eating at all for three weeks.  You were literally about to starve to death."  He shuddered but nodded.  "You're a very strong young man."

"It's not always nice being me.  How long am I here for?"

"At least tonight, possibly tomorrow to make sure that you're healing all right."  He relaxed.  "Your friend the slayer has been up here already.  Her mother said she'd come back in a little while with cookies or something for you.  For reference, you should be having about a cup of chocolate a day for health reasons.  However you want to do that."  She patted him on the head.  "Relax.  The cable here is very nice.  Even if it is mostly demon stations."

"Anya gets one of those on our cable package so she can watch a demon soap.  It has a lot better plot line than some of the human ones.  I can't stand them and that one actually seems interesting."

She smiled.  "Which one?"

He growled the name.  "The one with the wench who just chopped up her last boyfriend and ate him because she was unfaithful to him but she didn't want him to know so now he's egg food and the black mage who just necromancied the town's mayor into a zombie so she could get her business license back."

"My daughter watches that one."  She smiled.  "It does have some interesting characters."  She patted him again.  "Want something to drink?"

"Soda?"

"We are still a hospital, Mr. Harris.  Diet, caffeine free only unless someone sneaks you in some."

"Shoot.  I guess that's fine."  She went to get him some.  He knew Anya would sneak him in some.  "Did you tell them about the adoption thing?" he asked when she came back with his drink.  She nodded.  "Did they have a fit?"

"No.  Your girlfriend was a bit upset that you didn't tell her."

"If I had known, I would have."

"I think she got that point in the ER.  It should be fine or we'll toss them out the window for you."  He grinned.  "One of our guards wants to see if the slayer's skirts fly up when she dives out a window.  He's still wondering why human women wear panties."  He laughed.  "Good boy.  You drink and rest.  I'll be back in a few hours."  She left him alone to surf the tv and rest.  His friends were quite hyper and would be bouncing around his room later.  He'd need the rest to tell them to quit fussing over him.  He was that sort of boy.

***

Dean was helped out of the impala, balancing on his crutches.  He looked at the building.  "Are you sure this is the right place, Sammy?"

"Yup, sure am.  The ER's right there," he said with a point.  He parked the car then came back to walk Dean inside, nodding at the guards who looked wary.  "We're not going to harm anyone unless they make us," he offered.

"That's fine.  The slayer is up there too."  He got the elevator.  "We do have wheelchairs if it would make him wince less."

"Can't stand the iron chairs," Dean admitted.  "Thanks though, dude."

"You are most welcome.  We pride ourselves on being a very good hospital."  He watched them head up.   He'd have to tell his cousins that he had met the fearsome Winchester siblings and hadn't been slain for it.  They seemed nice if they weren't hunting you.

Dean hopped into Xander's room.  Sam got Anya out of the chair for him, letting him sit with a sigh of relief.  "Long hop up the hallway.  Thanks, Anya."

"You're welcome I guess."  Xander shifted so she could sit beside him on the bed.  "He'll be fine.  You didn't have to come and visit."

"Buddies do that stuff," Sam told her.  She looked confused.  "It's a human thing, like visiting a sick friend."

"I don't understand that.  I'd never do that because they might make me sick too."

"It's all right," Xander told her, giving her a pat on the knee.  "Hey, guys.  Sam, are you really freaked out by that adoption thing?"

"Nope."  He shrugged.  "I figure you probably didn't have a say since you clearly didn't know.  It's not like you're going to turn into Godzilla, right?"

"Nope," he said with a grin.  "Maybe Willie Wonka....."

"They based that story loosely on Wozaataran's early life," Anya told him with a smile.

"Really?"  She nodded.  "Wow.  That's interesting.  So are Oompa Loompas real?" Xander asked.

"They're like house elves in Harry Potter.  They're based on a type of demon but they're not seen very often."

"For some reason that makes *so* much sense," Dean admitted, getting a grin from the couple on the bed.  "So, how long are you stuck for, Xander?"

"Probably tomorrow according to the nurse.  Just to make sure I'm okay.  I need to eat a cup of chocolate somehow every day.  Joyce told me that she has some good recipes, including for mole sauce."

"Which is a good way to sneak chocolate," Sam agreed.  "Dean did that a lot when Dad wouldn't let him have any chocolate."  Dean nodded.  "Until Dad found out what was in it then he made us quit eating Mexican food."  Anya rolled her eyes.  "He could be like that now and then."  The nurse peeked in.  "You can come check on him."

"I wanted to make sure you two aren't stressing him out."  They shook their heads.  "Good boys."  She looked at Dean.  "Do you need to visit our ER?  You look like you're in pain, young man."

"I'm seeing a healer down by the bank," he admitted.  "Thanks anyway."

"Magdaline?"  Xander nodded.  "Hmph.  Let me call her to tell her you're in obvious pain today."  She went to do that.  She came up to drag down to the ER so she could check him over.  He shouldn't be in that sort of pain at the moment.  A few other healers came over to learn how to work on hunters and humans.  They didn't get much work with pure humans around there and some were trainee healers.  Which made Dean feel odd but oh well.

Sam grinned at Xander.  "They seem like a really good hospital."

"They are.  That's why we go here," Xander agreed.  "General sucks."

"I've seen that."  He handed over a book he had stopped to get on the way home.  "The new action hero movie in book form."

"Thanks, Sam.  I needed something to do tonight."  He grinned, letting Anya see it.

"Now we don't have to buy it for you," she said, smiling at him.  "Thank you for saving him the seven dollars and tax, Sam."

"Welcome," he said.  He looked at Xander.  "Need anything else?"

"Nah.  I'll be fine.  Joyce and Buffy will be back in about an hour.  She went to get me more soda."  That got a nod.  "You're not antsy being in here, right?"

"Nope.  So far they've all been very decent beings.  As long as nothing's attacking someone or anything we won't be.  It's a bit odd, but we've probably seen worse." Xander grinned at that.  "Relax."

"I'm trying."

Anya huffed, getting up.  "You shouldn't have oral sex yet, Xander.  Even if it would help you nap."

"I don't need that sort of relaxation, Anya, but thanks for offering," he said with a grin.  "You can go help Giles if you want.  I know you hate waiting around."  She nodded, giving him a kiss before leaving.  He looked at Sam.  "She's learning human things."

"She's doing pretty good with it," he agreed, getting a more relaxed boy.  "Even if she's slightly insane....."  Xander laughed, nodding some.  Dean limped back in.  "Here, have the chair, Dean.  Better?"

"They pushed the healing ahead by a bit more and she stuck a needle in my thigh so I can't feel it anymore."  He sat down, rubbing the muscles to work the medicine through them.  "They have trainee healers.  Like student docs."

"That makes sense.  Someone has to train them."  He grinned at Xander.  Buffy and Joyce peeked in then walked in carrying a soda for Xander and a plastic-wrap covered plate.  "Hey, guys."

"Hi, Sam.  Mom, this is Sam and his big brother Dean, who are both hunters but Dean kinda broke his leg.  They didn't realize Sunnydale had demons until they saw us on patrol one night."

She smiled.  "Must be shocking for you."

"We deal with a lot of spirit manifestations," Sam told her with a grin.

"That's not something we get a lot of around here."

"I've been helping on patrol while Dean's been helping some research stuff when he can get out of the house," Sam offered.

"Good boys."  She kissed them both on the cheek and made Xander eat real food for dinner.  Even if she had snuck the chocolate into recipes she had never thought of.

"These mint chocolate chips go *really* well with the stuffing," Xander said with a grin, giving her a one-armed hug.  He inhaled dinner and Joyce gave him cookies, and Dean one too.  "Thanks, Joyce."

"You're welcome, Xander.  No Anya?"

"She hates waiting around," he said with a small shrug.  "She's back at the store probably."

"Hmm."  She smoothed down his hair.  "You be a good boy while you're here and I'll see you when you get out?"

"Of course."  He grinned.  "I know very well Buffy won't let me go nap on *my* couch."

"Nope," Buffy agreed.  "No one to supervise you if you get sick."  She looked at Dean.  "You can come nag him that day and help him sharpen swords.  That's what he usually does when Mom puts him on the couch."

"I know how to do knives and machetes but I've never sharpened a sword.  I can try if your mom wants."

"That'd be fine, Dean."  She patted him on the head with a smile.  "It'll help because Xander won't nap until they're all done."  Xander nodded at that.  "You boys rest.  Dean, are you all right?"

"Broken thigh bone."

"Ow."  She hissed.  "Medicine to kill the pain at least?"

"The healer just gave me something in my thigh so I can't feel my whole leg."  He grinned.  "It's kinda freaky.  They have trainee healers that came over to learn how to work on humans on my leg."

"Good.   They need it in case they have to work on one of the team the next time."  She patted Sam on the cheek.  "You can come over for post-patrol snacks sometimes too, Sam."  She left with Buffy, who left the soda as an after thought.

Xander opened it and gulped.  "Hmm, caffeine."  Dean grinned.  "Sorry, they don't let me have any unless someone sneaks me in some."

"I can understand that," Dean agreed.  Someone in a chestplate walked in carrying something.  "Oh, please don't be harmful."

"I am on the testing panel."  He bowed to them.  "We were told you were adopted into our people?"

Xander shrugged.  "So they tell me.  I have no idea."

"Hmm."  He laid a hand on his head.  "You are well adopted in.  Do you have any birth marks?"

"Don't know.  Never really looked for any.  Hey, nurse?" he called.  She walked in.  "He wanted to know if I had any birth marks."

"He has one splotchy thing on his back."

"Hmm."  He looked at him.  "I will tell the search and hunt panel of this so you can be further tested."  He bowed then left.  The one who had informed them would get a reward if this one was a finalist.

"Huh?" Xander asked her.

"When Lord Wozaataran died, he left a scroll saying his heir was an adopted one with a shield birthmark on his back, Mr. Harris."

"Oh.  But it's not me."

"Probably not," she agreed with a smile.  "But they have to check."

"I get that."

"Is this one a known demon lord already?" Sam asked.  "Maybe I can look them up online to see if they're known about?"

"The scroll said his name is Lavetella.  That's all any of us know."

"Sounds like a female name," Dean said.

"Naming conventions vary by species," she said firmly.  "In my own species, your name would be feminine, Dean."

He gave her a horrified look.  "That's just weird."

She smirked.  "To us all you humans are."  She patted Xander on the head.  "Watch your blood pressure and make the unholy caffeine last all night since you won't get any more until new people visit," she ordered, leaving them alone.

Dean pulled something out of his jacket pocket and tossed it at Xander, getting an evil smirk for the can of Mountain Dew.  "Gotta have it when you need it, dude.  But that's still weird."

"No, weird is my middle name is Lavelle," he said quietly.  He looked at the hall.  "If so, I'm thinking Cuba is really pretty?"

"Should be," Dean agreed.  "We know a few guys down toward Texas that have boats."  Xander beamed at them.  He stood up.  "Okay, let me hop home.  Sammy can come visit you tomorrow to see if you can get out.  Then we'll go sharpen swords?"

"Sure, I'd like that," Xander agreed with a grin.  "I never get to do things with guys.  Giles doesn't hang out and I wanted to slug Buffy's last boyfriend so we never hung."

"Why?" Sam asked.

"He was an amoral schmuck who tortured demons and then turned on his former military unit."  He took a drink of his soda.  They stared at him.  He nodded.  "Yeah, so we didn't hang.  It'll be nice to hang with a guy again instead of girls."

Dean grinned.  "Gotcha on that point, Xander.  I'll see you tomorrow, dude."  He patted his foot on his way past the end of the bed.

"Call if you need things," Sam told him with a grin.  He followed Dean to the elevator, getting on with him and the tiny, orange, furry creature in there.  He nodded politely at them before turning to face the door.  He grinned at Dean.  "It is nice to get to know people as friends again."

"It is," Dean agreed.  "This break's been good but I still want my thigh to heal faster.  I hate sitting on my ass."

"So find one of those 'work from home' things and do it," Sam suggested.  "It'll only help us save up for when we're not here."

"I might," he decided.  They got off the elevator and headed out to the car.  Dean did feel better.  Sam gave him a look when he didn't wait.  "I'm getting better."

"Good.  Then you can get back to annoying me more often," he teased.  He opened the drivers door and got in, reaching over to unlock the other side for Dean.  He slid in, letting the crutches lean against his shoulder once he was buckled up.  "Did you want me to pick up dinner on the way home?"

"Please.  I'm not cooking tonight.  I'm starting to feel like the wife."

"Pizza, burgers, or Mexican?"

"Mexican.  Been a while."  Sam took them to the good Mexican place in town, going in to order for them so they could head home to watch a few more of Xander's movies.  They did appreciate and like the guy a lot.  He was a neat guy.  Clearly being warped by the girls but pretty neat.  Dean called their father once they had eaten.  "Hey, Dad, it's us.  My thigh's doing better.  Sammy's still doing good on patrols out here.  Not been vamped yet.  One of the local team passed out at work so he's at the local demon hospital.  Apparently it's a better place than the human one.  We went to visit.  It's really calm and they're really polite.  No one panicked, no one was attacking anyone, they were all real nice to us.  When the nurse saw I was in some pain from hopping up the hallway to visit she got the healer I'm seeing to their ER to look me over.  She used it to train a few trainee healers they had on staff since they don't see too many humans."

"The nurse got pushy and made him go," Sam said next to the phone.  "She didn't want to see him in pain.  Plus she explained stuff to us when we had a question."

"She did," Dean agreed, giving his head a shove with a grin.  "They're really nice and efficient and it's cleaner than some hospitals we've seen over the years.  Anyway, he'll be fine and they moved the healing a bit further along on my thigh.  She gave me orders about how to rebuild starting in about a month.  Sammy's doing good on his job at the construction company.  We think I might start looking into one of those 'work from home' things so I have something to do all day instead of soaps that make me want to claw my eyes out."

"Xander said one of the demon soaps is a lot better.  Has good story lines, characters he can stand, and he hates regular soaps.  He was scratching when one guy was talking about his wife's addiction to Days of Our Lives last week," Sam told him.

"Really?"

"Yeah.  They have the usual subplots like 'she cheated on me' but they also have magic workers doing bad things and some good ones, some temporal magic here and there, pranks out the butt by one character.  All sorts of species of demons on it.  He said he's learned more about demons from it than he has from years of research."

"Huh."  He went back to his message.  "Apparently Sammy and Xander have found a manly soap opera from the demon networks.  Anyway, we're still in Sunnydale and fine, Dad.  Call us if you want to talk to us.  Night."  He hung up.  "I never would've imagined Xander as a guy who watched soaps."

"He said it was better than most action movies these days."  He found the demon channels on their cable and found one of the others was on.  "This one isn't his but it's still supposed to be pretty good.  Xander recommended it to that one guy's wife.  Anya apparently likes it.  Said it reminds her of when she did her job.  A character's even a vengeance demon."

Dean gave him a confused look but he did watch the first few minutes.  It was even sucking him in.  "Dude, no way!" he shouted at one thing.  "It doesn't work that way!"

"Maybe for them it does.  All tv shows have some suspension of disbelief."  The character on tv told the original one it wasn't going to work.  "See?"  Dean threw a balled up napkin at him.  Sam grinned.  Dean Winchester - big, bad, macho hunter - was watching soaps.  He could almost cackle at that.  He did look up that strange name for the heir of the chocolate lord's kingdom.  It was strange that Xander had a similar middle name.  Then again, they had seen odd things happen around Xander all too often and the girls told him all sorts of stories about Xander doing the improbable.  Sam looked at the tv.  "Xander nearly got eaten by one of those in tenth grade," he told Dean.  Dean gave him a horrified look.  "She had eaten the original teacher and was gathering virgins to fertilize her eggs.  Buffy told me."  He grinned and went back to searching.

"No way!"

"Yup.  She changed into a giant praying mantis."  He smirked at his big brother.  "He dated a reanimated Incan mummy too.  She was having to kill to keep alive but she couldn't kill Xander when he stepped between her and Buffy to save her."

"Does Xander have some sort of strange power to change the laws of probability or something?  Because I'm thinking things like that only happen *here*."

"They apparently do."  He smirked.  "Xander apparently likes doing the improbable.  Like dating a former vengeance demon."

Dean shook his head quickly.  "That's just strange and wrong on so many levels.  He didn't know she was a mummy?"

"No, he said she looked like every other foreign exchange student that had just gotten in."

Dean stared at him, just blinking.  "Cute joke," he said finally with a grin.  Sam shook his head.  "No?"

"Nope.  Sorry."  He smirked.

"Damn!  The boy needs more male friends."

"Yup, he could use them," Sam agreed.

Dean moaned, laying down to get comfortable while he finished watching this show.  It was a really good action show with some mushy stuff he could ignore.  "Wonder if they created that character based on that incident?"

Sam watched for a few minutes.  "If so I'll tell Xander and let him sue them."  He sent Willow an email.  She sent back an 'I know but we can't prove it's only happened to him' answer.  "Willow said she can't prove it didn't happen to others."

"Uh-huh."  Sam checked the listings for the upcoming shows, going to Xander's.  "This is his?"

"Yup, sure is."  Dean got another drink and laid down again, watching this one.  It was a bit more mushy stuff but it was full of magic users doing bad things to each other.  Dean shook his head and whimpered halfway through.  So Sam turned it to a demon channel that was rerunning the A-Team for him.  That made him a happier hunter.  Even if one of the guys was hitting on a woman in a bar.  Sammy went back to his email.  Bobby was amused that demons had cable channels of their own and soaps.  Sam found him the info and what Xander had said he had learned off the soaps.  Bobby groaned but said he might tell one of the female hunters to check it out for him.  He didn't do soaps and Dean's injury was clearly rotting his mind.

***

Their father listened to the voicemail then looked at the woman behind the bar.  "My boys are now insane with this injury leave."

"Why?"

"They're in Sunnydale."  She gave him a horrified look.  "Sammy went looking for something near the healer that Bobby sent 'em to that had open jobs and cheap rent."

"Yeah, but they also have a very high death rate."

"Sammy found out why and joined the local patrol out that way."

"Good!  Are they still alive and well?"

"Apparently.  One of the guys Sammy goes patrolling with just ended up at the demon hospital.  The human one is apparently bad so they took him there.  Dean went to visit and said they're nice, polite, cleaner than some we've seen."  She nodded slowly.  "One of the nurses caught him being in pain from the broken leg and called his healer to their ER, where she moved his healing a bit ahead and used him to teach some student healers."

"Good, I guess."

"They also have demon cable networks?"

"There are?"

"Apparently.  They were talking about some soap opera on one of them that the guy in the hospital had learned more from than years of research."

"Uh-huh.  I had no idea demons were that organized.  Yeah, some harmless things living in hidden clans, but cable networks?"

He sipped his beer.  "So they said.  But they did assure me they were alive and fine.  Dean's going to be able to start physical rehab for his leg in about a month now."

"Good!  Then they can move somewhere more sane," Ellen agreed.

He shrugged.  "I don't know why they have a patrol there."

"Oooh, you never heard about the hellmouth?"  He slowly shook his head, putting down his mug of beer.  "Ah.  Well, it's like this," she said, leaning on the bar.  "Ash found it somehow.  There's a merged spot between realms there that's kinda thin.  It draws demons and power to it.  It's a fairly bad town.  A lot of death and destruction happens there, but no one seems to realize it because he said when he checked it out, everyone was in denial."

"Was this before or after he started to drink?" he asked.

"Before.  This is why he drinks."  John shuddered.  Ash was a full-blown alcoholic computer whiz.  "Now, there's a small complication to the demons wandering around out there.  Apparently there's a group in Britain who have a mystically chosen female warrior.  She's sent there to weed it down.  This one, from the rumors he's heard, broke tradition to have friends to help her patrol.  She's tiny, blonde, someone Dean would probably drool on even though she can bench press him."  John shifted on his stool.

"Exactly.  So Sammy's probably fallen in with her patrol group if he's patrolling out there.  A witch, another hunter, that warrior, I heard a few of the harmless sorts helped her now and then.  That this one was very respectful of the harmless ones, didn't hunt them at all.  Now, it's also said a few years back that they had to stop a demon turning into a pure demon out there during a graduation.  I don't know how they got into that situation but the rest of us heard it as a gas explosion.  Ash somehow knew someone there."

"So Sammy's probably in good hands and Dean can probably butt in if he needs to?"

"Probably.   He also said that the power out there was bad enough that it hid *everything*.  There's all sorts of artifacts and things out there hidden by the power that's leaking through and drawn there."

"So there's plenty of evil to hunt."

"There's no way they could clean it out in a full lifetime without closing that weak spot," she told him.  "Ash was thinking hard about suggesting that hunters go in, raze the town, take out the artifacts, and then escape to safety to let it rebuild for the next generation."

"Huh."  He sipped his beer.  "Any other bad news?"

"The power can drive some of the harmless ones nuts," Ash said as he sat on John's free side.  Ellen gave him his usual beer.  "But that also lets a lot of them hide in plain sight out there because *no* one notices anything.  You can be standing next to one of the funny looking demons and they ignore you."  He took a drink.  "Why are we talking about the hellmouth in the open?"

"Bobby sent Dean to a healer out there," he told him.

Ash nearly spit his beer.  "Are they okay?  Do we need to go rescue 'em?"

"Sammy's hooked up with the local demon patrol.  One of that team is in the demon hospital after collapsing at work earlier.  They said it's better and nicer than some human ones they've been in when they went to visit him.  That everyone was very polite to them, answered questions and all that."

"Sounds about like Hillcrest."  He took a drink.  "Which healer was he seeing?"

"Magdaline?"

"Ah, her clinic.  She's a good healer.  Hillcrest is a nice hospital.  When I was out there, I landed there after that really bad fight I got into.  They were very nice to me."  He took another drink.  "Any other news?"

"Demons have cable networks?"

"Yeah.  There's whole planes of demons, Winchester.  They have to amuse themselves since eighty percent or so are harmless.  There's demon artists.  There's plays, languages, whole things like that.  The cable networks probably come from one of the more advanced realms.  Some are like caveman days but not all of them live off the Flinstones.  Some have fantastic cities from what I've heard."

"Huh.  So they'll probably be fine?"

"If they're hooked in with the current slayer, they'll be fine."

"Good.  Dean won't be able to start rehab for his leg for about a month."

"Get them out of there before spring, Winchester.  Spring is always apocalypse season and they take it literally out there."  He walked off with his beer, going to try to play some darts.

"Apocalypse season?" Ellen asked him.

John shrugged.  "Sounds bad."  He sent a text message to his sons, getting one back from an unknown number that rambled through two complete text messages but apparently they did.  He let Ellen see them.  The last one ended on 'Sammy and Dean are fine, daddy'.  "Figure it was one of the hunting team?"

"Probably.  Even when Dean's stoned he won't call you daddy."

He smirked.  "No, he won't."  He finished his beer.  "Maybe I will go that way to check on the boys."

"Be careful if you do."

"I'm always careful, Ellen."  He paid for his beers.  "Thanks.  Buy Ash a round too."  He left, going out to his truck and the motel that was very nearby.  Not that he had more than the one beer, but he didn't want to be pulled over anyway.

Ellen got Ash another beer, bringing it over to him.  "Anything John should absolutely bring when he goes to check on his boys?" she asked him.

"Holy water and stakes.  Most of the ones out there you can stake."  She nodded, going to make sure he knew that.  He took another drink, trying to drown out the memories for another night.

***

Xander woke up the next morning still in the hospital.  The food was slightly better than he had been told hospital food was.  Marginally.  The nurse gave him a look when he turned the puppy eyes of doom on her.  "It could be seaweed," she offered.  He ate the bland stuff without a protest.  "Good boy.  We even included some chocolate in the muffins."  She checked him over then gave him a pat on the head before leaving him to choke down his bland scrambled eggs and watery fried potatoes.  She was very aware Xander had hidden that can of Mountain Dew until this morning.

She saw it when his monitors said his heart rate went up.  "Not so fast, Harris," she called.  He slowed down the chugging of his sacred goddess.  "Better."  She made note of it on his diet sheet and checked back in an hour to take the tray from him.  The muffins were gone.  The potatoes were still there.  Where the eggs had been had some pepper still floating in it.  "Good enough."  She carried it off, letting him lounge until his doctor got there for rounds.

Xander saw someone talking in the hall and heard his name.  He nearly tensed up but he knew it wouldn't be bad here.  The hospital had non-violence spells on it.  So when the guy with the sword walked in he was fairly surprised.  "How did you get that in here when the slayer couldn't even get a stake?"

"I was granted an exemption."  He looked the boy over.  "Who are you?"

"Xander Harris."

"Beyond that, what is your full name?"

"Why?  I know very well names have power.  My best friend is a witch, dude."

The warrior stared at him.  "I am not going to use it to harm you."

"Don't care.  Names still have power."  He stared him down.  "By the way, I should mention that I do help the slayer and the witch around here."

The demon nodded.  "That's good to know.  It means you're not easy."

"He won't hurt you," the nurse called.

"Then get his sword out of my room before I have to react," Xander called back.  "I'm going to be paranoid about him anyway but weapons makes me itch for one of my own."

She huffed but came in to take the sword and walked off with it, no matter how much the warrior tried to get it back from her.  The warrior sneered at Xander.  "That is not my only means of attacking."

"Mine either but now we're on a more equal footing," he said dryly, finishing his soda.  The warrior reached for him and Xander used his empty can to bop him on the forehead, making him scream and back up when the force to crush the can hurt him.  "Now, why did you need to know who I am?"

The nurse came in with a huff, taking the can.  "I have no idea."

"He walked in here with a sword and demanded to know my full name.  Ain't no way," he said dryly.

"Good.  That shows brains.  Security!"  They came rushing in to get the warrior.  "Hand him back his sword once he's outside please?"  She scowled at Xander.  "Anti-violence charms, Mr. Harris."

"Which I clearly didn't break because it didn't keep me from crushing that can on his head."

"Good point.  I'll have someone check on those to make sure they cover humans."

"Make sure there's an out for self-defense?  Like husbands who don't like what gender their new kids are?"  He pointed at the news special running about a father doing that in the human world.

She stared then at him.  "If one of them tried that, the matron on the bearing floor would kill them and eat their parts," she said honestly.  "Even the Great Ones are scared of her."  She went to check with security about the anti-violence charms.  Did it not cover hunters?  If so, they had a major gap to fill in.

Xander settled back to start flipping channels again.  That had been freaky.  With his luck it was the hospital's accounting department and they had come up to settle the bill with him or something.

***

Xander woke up somewhere strange.  He had no idea how he had gotten here.  He had no idea where here was.  At least he knew who *he* was, that was always something.  He heard a groan and looked to his left, nudging Dean carefully.  "Gently.  Sam's using you as a teddy bear."

"Where are we?" he asked, licking his dry lips.

Xander shrugged.  "I just woke up too.  How's your leg?"

"Sore as shit, dude."  He sat up, which woke up Sam.  "We have no clue."

Sam looked around then at them.  "Anyone think the room is done up for a princess?"

"Yeah," Dean agreed.  Xander gave him a confused look.  "Storybook princesses have rooms like this.  We had an english teacher that tortured us with them because they were her favorite thing to read."  He shifted and winced.  "I hope like hell someone brought my pain medicine with us or else I get to kill and eat them."

"Then let's see if we're alone," Sam decided.

"Not a good idea, Sammy," Dean ordered.

"Lay down, Dean," Xander ordered.  He stood up and cleared his throat.  "Get the hell in here!" he bellowed, making Sam give him an appreciative look.  He shrugged.  "Had to yell a few times in the past.  Two people came running.  "What the hell is going on?  Why are we here?  Did someone bring Dean's pain medicine since he's got a broken leg and this is hurting him a lot, and I want answers now," he snarled.

"Our Lord chose well when he chose you to follow him, Great One."

Xander gave him a confused look.  "What?" he demanded.

"You are the chosen heir of Wozaataran."  He bowed, keeping Xander's eyes in sight.  He knew this one had a temper by the way he summoned them.

"Okay, first of all, we're all demon hunters," Sam said.  "Secondly, he's human, not demonic."

"He was adopted," the second demon said.  He looked at Dean.  "Let us get our healers.  They may have taken your medicine.  They did take most things so we could make you clothes to suit your new husband."  He ran off to do that.

"What?" Xander demanded.  "Guys, I like girls and I'm not an adopted demon that anyone's ever told me."

"The chocolate thing, Xander," Sam said quietly.

"Sorry, I'm confused when I wake up."  He rubbed over his face with his hands.  "Anya's going to be throwing fits."  He looked at Dean.  "If she kills me for this, make sure Willow doesn't get her back?"

"Not an issue.  She can't do anything since we were kidnaped."

"You don't know Anya," he said dryly.  He looked over as one of the minions came in.  "Did you think about telling my girlfriend anything?" he asked dryly.

"Why would we?  It's unseemly to have something like that."

Xander quirked an eyebrow up.  "I like girls.  Only girls."

The demon snorted.  "You'll soon learn to be pleased with your new husbands."

"Only like girls too, dude," Dean said dryly, waving a hand.  "This situation is only making me want to find my shotgun."

Sam cleared his throat.  "Even if Xander is the heir you're looking for, we're only friends with him.  Neither my brother nor I want to be more than that with him.  No matter who says what.  For that matter I'm still mourning my last girlfriend and we're hunting the demon that took out our mother and my last girlfriend.  We're not suitable to be more than his friends."

"Way to be a wordy geek, Sammy," Dean said dryly.

"Shut up, Dean."

Xander looked at the minions that came in to help the first.  "Guys, I don't think I'm the heir you want.  I can't run anything but my construction crew."  They laughed.  "Honestly."

"You ran a battle," one reminded him.

Xander nodded.  "I know that.  I remember it quite well.  It's still not the same as running real things."  He stared at that one.  "Point two.  These two are brothers and my friends.  I don't dig guys that way so we're not going to be getting with the hot monkey sex.  Point three, my ex is a former vengeance demon looking for her powers to come back.  This'll do that and then you'll have to hunt another heir because she'll kill my ass."

"She is lesser but semi-worthy," one told him.  "We can explain it to her.  You must stay up here."

Xander stared at him. "I have things in my apartment and life that I like.  Plus the slayer needs me."

"Their father is coming to help her."

"Dad's going to kill you all," Dean assured him.  "If we don't.  That hurts," he growled.  The demon glared back.

"Dean's been seeing a touch healer about that break," Sam said impatiently.  "He needs his medicine to help it heal."

"We can get a healer up to look him over," the demon assured him firmly.  "That one has been making slow yet steady progress.  We can move it along farther since you're all here."

"She said you had to go slow on human injuries," Dean told him.

The demon stared at him then pointed at Sam.  "As he is tainted, so are you, Dean.  Not the same way or for the same reason but you carry your own taint.  That is enough to get around that once you're somewhere easier to work healing spells.  Our healers are excellent.  I'll have one summoned to you later today, Princess."

"Whoa!  Not a princess," Dean complained.  "Even if I l wanted to bend Xander over night and day I'd still never be a princess."

"It's a formal title.  Sometimes they make no sense," the demon assured him then strolled off.  "The rest of your things will be up in a few hours, Lord Lavetella."

"My name is Xander," he said firmly, glaring at the demon.  That got a flinch from them.  "Am I clear?"  They nodded.  "Good."  They ran off, leaving them alone.  He sighed, looking at the brothers.  "I'm sorry whatever draws strange things around me grabbed you two this time too."

"Chill," Dean said, waving a hand.  "As long as I'm not a princess we'll help you solve this one, Xander.  This is wrong on so many levels."

"Dad would be throwing a fit," Sam said.  "We need to warn Buffy he's coming."

"Oooh, yeah.  She'll kick his ass and then he'll sulk for months that a tiny blonde thing did it to him."

Xander looked around, finding his things first.  "Phone?" he suggested, finding his.  "I have signal bars."  He tossed it to Sam.  "Screw roaming at the moment."

Sam grinned, dialing Joyce's phone.  She was usually reasonable.  "Joyce, Sam Winchester.  Me, Dean, and Xander are all off realm.  They think Dean and I are princesses and Xander's a demon lord.  By the way, fair warning that our father is going to be storming into town soon.  He's very gruff and he'll sulk if Buffy beats him too badly.  We have no idea how long it'll be before we get back.  Can you make sure all our stuff is all right?  Especially the Impala?  Thanks, Joyce.  He's fine, pacing and looking pissed."  He handed Xander the phone.

"Joyce, I'm okay."  He sighed.  "I have no idea but they consider me liking girls to be about like me liking sheep.  Yeah, she's gonna throw a fit.  Well, they'll need a new heir," he said dryly.  "They think I want to marry Dean and Sam too.  Even though they're straight, yeah.  Thanks, Joyce.  I have *no* clue!" he sighed, sitting down to hold his forehead.  "I don't know how these things happen to me.  The only thing I heard was that I was adopted as a little kid by them.  So clearly this one was my parents' fault somehow.  Yeah, you can nag her.  Go for it.  I know it's your favorite downtime activity.  Thanks, Joyce, and can you maybe make sure Anya doesn't sell my stuff too?"  He beamed.  "Even better.  Thanks."  He hung up and looked at them.  "If your car's still there she'll move it to her driveway.  Buffy will get your stuff for you and mine too.  Fortunately she's got a basement."

"That'll work.  Sammy, find ours to warn Dad?"

He went to find their stuff, finding it in another dressing room.  Both their phones were charging.  He found his was good enough so brought it out.  "Hey, Dad, it's us.  We're not in Sunnydale.  We're on some demon realm.  So far we're all right but they want us to marry Xander, who they said is their new prince and Dean's a princess.  So far we're okay and working on it.  Get with Buffy Summer's mom, Dad.  She'll have whatever stuff is left."  He hung up and called Bobby, getting his voicemail.  "Wish you were home.  We're not on the same plane as you right now.  We're on Lord Wozaataran's realm since they think Xander's their new prince and Dean and I are supposed to be his husbands.   Warn Dad to talk to Buffy Summers and her mom.  She's usually found at the college or the Magic Box.  Her mom's going to store our stuff for us, especially the Impala if it's still there.  We'll try to check in but try to keep Dad calm, okay?  Please?  They're getting a healer to move Dean's thigh further along.  We're okay so far, just calm down and try to keep Dad from destroying things.  They haven't hurt us."  He hung up, looking at Dean.  "Any idea where he might be?"

"Ellen's?" he guessed.  "He could've been out in the salvage yard.  Who knows."  He shifted and groaned, holding his leg.

Xander went to search his stuff, coming out with a smirk.  "My field kit."  He handed it over, letting Dean dig through it for something for his thigh.

"Dude, we don't carry a kit this stocked," Dean said in awe.

"Until we heard about Hillcrest, we had to do our own stitches and things," Xander told him.  He looked at himself.  "Someone clearly redressed me since I don't own pajamas like this."  He looked at them.  "Let me shower and dress.  You guys handle Dean's thigh then do the same?"  They nodded it was a good first step for the day.  Xander found the palatial bathroom, whistling.  It echoed.  "I might get used to this."

Sam looked over his shoulder.  "Yeah, I could get used to a sunken pool to bathe in and a multi-head shower too."

Dean hopped over, looking at it.  "Wow."

"Anyone see a toilet?" Xander asked.  Sam pointed at a door.  Xander opened it then blushed and closed it.  "Looks like a nursery."  He went to find the toilet.  It was in another room, all by itself with a sink, and had automatic fans.  "That's nice."  He came out drying his hands on a towel.  "All yours."  He went to try out that shower.  If this was sin, he'd enjoy it.

***

Anya looked up as Joyce walked into the Magic Box.  "The chocolate fairies came to steal my Xander.  I woke up and he was gone.  Most of his stuff too."  She pouted.  "They didn't even tell me."

"He just called me to get the Winchester boys' things for them since they took them too.   Xander said they weren't too fond of him having a girlfriend."

She sulked.  "Gay little fairy bastards," she muttered.

"Be nicer," Joyce told her.  She nodded, still sulking.  "Xander said I could move the rest of his stuff to the basement too, but we're to expect the boys' father to show up soon."

"Good, then I can get him back for shooting me in the butt with rock salt and nearly making it so I can't get orgasms, even if Xander isn't here anymore to give them to me."

Joyce patted her on the shoulder.  "I'm sure he'd deserve it, Anya.  He said he'll try to resolve this issue so they can get back soon but he's not sure how long it'll take."

"Forever and ever.  They become immortal.  Pain in my butt," she muttered.

Joyce gave her a hug.  "It'll be fine.  Warn Buffy and them for me?"  She nodded.  "Thank you, Anya.  I'll come get his stuff tonight."

"Fine.  Can't I have a few things?  People will want them."

"No.  Xander said to not let you sell anything of his."

"Shoot.  How can I make money off losing my orgasms if he's being all noble and stuff?"

"I don't know, dear."  Anya stomped off to sulk worse.

Joyce called her daughter.  "Come to the Magic Box.  We have a small issue."  She hung up and looked around town.  It was quiet recently.  That was good she supposed.  The boys' father might be worried but she knew strange things happened in Sunnydale, especially around Xander.

***

John Winchester found the girl he had found the profile for online.  She was chatting with some redhead girl and another blonde girl.  He walked over, trying to look casual.  "Miss Summers, can I have a moment please?" he requested.

She looked up at him.  "Anya's right, Dean looks a lot more like you than Sam does."

"You do know my boys?"  She nodded with a slight grin.  "Where are they?"

"The chocolate demon lord guys took them and Xander two nights ago because they decided Xander was their new king and your boys were going to be his husbands.   You might wanna watch out for Anya pouting too.  She's kinda still mad that you got her with rock salt that time."

He stared for a moment.  "Would you have more information than that on either topic?"

"Anya was rehumaned," Willow told him.  She smiled.  "Hi, Willow Rosenburg."

"I've heard about you," he said blandly.  She squeaked and ducked down some.

"Sam said he wasn't going to tell you about the fighting stuff," Buffy said, starting to scowl.

"He didn't say a word about her, Miss Summers.  She's got a known reputation.  A few witches warned me about her."  Willow shrank down further, sitting down with a groan.

"We're working on it," Buffy said firmly.

"That's all up to you," he assured her.  "I'm not here for her.  I'm here to find out what happened to my sons."

"Wozaataran died," Buffy said.  "He's apparently one of the last great demon lords and supposed to be pretty nice.  Spike said he even put up with Dru in her batty moods.  Sometime in the past he somehow adopted our friend Xander," she said when she realized he had that same look her mother got right before her temper came out.  "When he died they went looking for heirs.  He named Xander for some reason.  They snuck in and stole him once they had gotten him out of the hospital.  Your boys too apparently.  I spent the morning moving the stuff they didn't take with them to my mom's basement and she moved their car to her driveway so it'd be safer until Xander could talk his way out of this one.  Because he manages it usually."

"He does BS very well," Willow agreed.  "Plus he can babble most anyone into submission and a migraine."

"Sounds like Dean but he doesn't babble," he admitted.  "We don't see a problem with this?"

"They're supposed to be peaceful," Buffy admitted with a small shrug.  "Plus we have no idea how to get up there.  They've closed off their realm for a bit.  Willow's looking into it."

"I am," she agreed quickly, nodding some.  "It's a really complicated spell to move realms or planes unless you can find an already established link open.  Since they closed them all until the coronation I don't think we can wait that long because Xander's kinda the normal guy and they might keep him if he can't talk them out of it.  Then he'd be gay too, which we wouldn't mind all that much, but it might not suit your boys."  Buffy smacked her on the arm.  "Ow!  What was that for?"

"I like Anya enough to not work against them.  She's a lot calmer than she was when she first descended.  He's done good helping her be rehumaned.  Plus, no more drawing bad girls with her around."

Tara moaned, shaking her head.  "Guys," she hissed.

John smirked at her.  "Miss, you would be?"

"Mine, buddy, back off," Willow snarled.

He stared her down.  "I'd never disrespect a woman, Miss Rosenburg, nor would I hit on one."  She blushed and ducked her head again.  He looked at Tara again.  "You have nothing to fear from me, Miss, but I was wondering if someone could translate the river of words she just let out."

"It's past history," Buffy assured him.  She stood up.  "C'mon, we'll go where we meet, see if Giles has found anything new and so you can tell Anya you're sorry for shooting her in the butt with rock salt before she decides to get you back for it."  She smiled a cheery grin.  "Because that would be of the bad."

John looked at her.  "Usually I only shoot bad things.  What did she descend from?"

"Vengeance demon," Willow said.

John stared at her, then at Buffy.  "She's who?"

"Anyanka, but her power center got broken so she got fired and rehumaned.  She's been dating Xander since then."

He shuddered.  "That boy's clearly insane."

"Only when he doesn't get enough chocolate apparently," Buffy said dryly.  "C'mon.  We have seats and tables and books to look through.  Sam and Dean's been doing a lot of that too.  They've started a list of stuff that some others need.  It'll make Anya happy if they buy stuff."  She took his arm to walk him off.  "So, is hunting like you guys do as messy as it is here?  Goo and ashes and stuff?"

"Now and then," he admitted.  He paused to point at something.  "Is that harmful?"

She looked.  "No, that's Clem.  He's a sweetie but he's probably off for a kitten poker game."  She waved and he came over to hug her.  "Hey, Clem, does anyone in town know how we can get up there early for Xander's coronation?  We think he's got to be panicking and they might need a babble translator."

"No demons would ever go against his wishes, slayer.  He was a good and kind lord over his people.  Since he chose Xander he had to have his reasons.  I don't know why he came up with two concubines, if that rumor's true."  John growled.  He looked at him.  "You look like them."

"This is Sam's father.  The two they took with Xander are his boys.  Who're apparently straight."

"Ooooh."  He winced.  "No idea how you can get them free but Xander probably could.  He has to talk them into it but you know he's good at it."

"I know."  She gave him a pat on the arm.  "Don't give Dawn any kittens this week.  Mom's a bit stressed with how they snatched the Xander."

"That's fine.  I won't."  He grinned at John.  "Your boys are very good hunters.  Sam's very polite and Dean talked to me like a normal person when I came to the store to pick up something for Spike."

"Have him meet us there if you see him," Willow ordered.

"I will."  He looked down at Buffy again.  She was so tiny!  "If you want to go to the coronation, I can make sure someone hears that you know him and you're best friends.  But no one will help him get away from them.  The realm needs a leader.  They do a lot of good."  He left, going to tell the others.  At least she wasn't trying a mass invasion via Willow's magic and a lot of helpers from LA or other watchers.

Buffy looked up at John.  "That's more than we knew.  Why are all you guys so tall?  It's not fair."

"They probably underestimate you, Buffy," he said blandly.  He let her walk him down to the Magic Box.  Her mother and an older guy were in there.  "Morning," he greeted.

Joyce smiled at him.  "You must be Dean and Sam's father.  Dean does look a bit like you."  She shook his hand.

"John Winchester," he said.  "What happened?"  He pointed at Willow.  "She babbled something that I need a translator for."

Someone else stomped in, then spotted him and sighed in relief.  "You're here."

"I was heading to check on them when I got a strange voicemail from Sammy about being on another plane.  Why are you here, Bobby?"

Buffy looked at the guy in dusty jeans, a t-shirt, a ball cap hiding whitened hair, and who looked kinda old.  "Wow, you guys live way longer than slayers if you're another hunter."

"Buffy!" Joyce complained.  "That's rude.  Apologize, young lady."

"Sorry, Mom's right but slayers die kinda young," she admitted.  "Hi, Buffy Summers.  You are?"

"Bobby Singer."

Anya squealed.  "Sam left you a list," she said happily, going to get it from him.  "That way you can buy things and cheer me up since I lost my pookie to the gay chocolate fairies."

"Anya, unless they have wings, fairies mean gay," Buffy said bluntly.

"Oh.  Okay then just the chocolate fairies then."

Bobby nodded politely at her.  "Sammy told me what happened to you, miss.  I caught someone trying to call on you last year so I know they still miss you."

She sniffled and gave him a hug.  "Thank you.  I needed that cheering up.  You're very sweet.  But I'm still going to get him for nearly robbing me of my orgasms by shooting me in the butt cheek with rock salt.  You can't save him from me."

"If he needs to be saved I'm sure he can save himself," he offered.  She beamed and glared at John then went back behind the register.  He looked over the list.  "Sammy has expensive but eclectic tastes I see.  Though it would fit nicely in my library."  He tucked it into his back pocket.  "Let me look at my finances first, ma'am.  Magic books are expensive."

"I know, that's why I love selling them the best," she quipped.

"Can we get back to the problem at hand?" John asked before he lost his temper.

"I'm running a computer search through all the spell sites I know for a way to get up there since all their portals are closed until the coronation," Willow promised.  She went to check her laptop.  "So far I have one that'll take calling on a really high demon that'll want all our souls to transport us, which he'd probably take out in icky things to trade for, and one that'll take twelve goats and a piglet."  She looked at them.  "But I have a hundred more sites for it to look through.  It should find anything else by tonight."

"I never find that many sites when I look," Bobby admitted.  "Any other ideas going on so far?"

Buffy shrugged.  "I asked Clem.  He said no one's going to help us get up there if we can't do it on our own.  That the realm does good things for all demon and human kind.  The old ruler even put up with Dru in her battier phase.  As for the whole gay thing?  No idea," she admitted.  "I'm waiting to be super strong and kick butt if I have to."

Anya looked over.  "They have to have deliveries but none of my contacts know how."  She shrugged.  "I do want to go to the coronation.  Maybe Xander will let me be a concubine.  It'd be very prestigious for me.  Plus I'd get orgasms again.  It's been two days and I really do miss them."

"Anya," Joyce complained.  "Not everyone wants to know about your sex life.  You'd be embarrassing poor Xander by now."

"He knows how important orgasms and making money are to me.  He'd only mumble and go on patrol with Buffy again."

Buffy shrugged when the two hunters looked at her.  "We hear too much of this to pay much attention to it unless she comes out with freaky stuff like the last time she nearly got possessed and tried bondage.  Xander's been taken too many times to want that stuff."

John coughed to hide his blush.  "Your group is much more blunt than most people I'm used to.  Even the Marines."

"My last hunny was a former Ranger," she sighed, looking outside.  "I kinda miss him even if he did cheat on me with vampires to feed them."  Willow and Tara gave her a pat.  "I know.  He's bad for me.  But hey, alive and no soul curse like Angel.  So I had better taste."

Joyce patted her daughter on the back.  "I'm selling you into a marriage," she told her daughter.  "Just so I have a son-in-law that's nice and polite."

"Yes, mom," she sighed, looking at John.  "She can't do that, right?"

"I nearly gave Dean into one once," he admitted.

"Oh.  Is it Mean Parent day?" she asked Willow.

She shrugged.  "How should I know?  I haven't seen mine in a few years, Buffy."

"Good point."  She looked at the others.  "Why don't you two get settled in, and watch out for the vamps at the motel, and we'll get back together around dinner?  That way I get an update before I go on patrol with Spike?  You guys can buy stuff from Anya, check the boys' stuff.  And maybe some of the local demons will give me an idea somehow.  Because I've got biology and I'm going to flunk if I skip again."  She checked her watch.  "Oops."  She ran off.

Joyce sighed, shaking her head.  "Don't ask," she told John.  "She loses track of normal things now and then.  She really is worried about Xander and your boys but I will paddle her and have her sewn shut so she can't ever have a boyfriend again if she flunks biology."

"Education's important, but I can see taking time to work the contacts we all have."

"Good."  She drew out a map.  "I live here," she said, handing it over.  "You can come over for dinner, everyone.  That way they can check the boys' things, we can regroup there.  Willow, continue that search and remember you have feminist lit today."  She squeaked and ran out too.  She sighed.  "We need to get her away from magic," she muttered.  John nodded.  "You heard?"

"A few witches I know warned me when they heard I was coming this way.  She's got a slight reputation.  I'm not here for her this time unless she pulls something dangerous in front of us."

"Good."  She stood up.  "I'm at the gallery up the street, gentlemen.  The motel's at the other end of town."  She pointed.  "It's a decent enough place but some of the rooms are easily gotten into by vampires."

"There's a few open houses," Anya pointed out.  "We did have that feeding surge last month.  The Henderson house is open.  Xander was thinking about telling Spike to move there off our couch."

"I don't think they'd want to use an abandoned house, dear," Joyce said.

"If the utilities are on, it'd be fine with us," Bobby told her.  "Easier to ward than a motel room too."

"Okay."  She walked them outside then pointed.  "See the gray house's roof?"  They both nodded.  "One block behind that, the green house with the ugly shutters.  It had water bottles on the porch the last I knew.  As long as there's no realtor's sign it's still clear."  She patted Bobby on the arm.  "I'll make dinner tonight, guys."  She left, going to plan dinner.  It wasn't often Buffy got to see how other hunters worked.  It'd be good for her to see mature ones.  It'd be a good, adult influence outside her and Rupert.  Which her daughter could definitely use.

John and Bobby shared a look then went to scout the house.  It was still empty.  Had all the utilities.  One up the street had water bottles on the porch too but this one was clearly empty.   Plus the mailbox said 'Hendersons' on it so they knew they were in the right place.  They warded the place then settled in to call contacts and research.  Bobby went over the suggested list and marked things.  "Anything decent?"

"Very at good prices.   A bit magic heavy but I'd expect that around here."

"Did you know about this place?"

"Rumors.  A few mentions in books."  He looked at him.  "Have you tried to call them back yet?"

"I got an out of area message," he said blandly.

"I'm guessing nationwide coverage doesn't go off-plane," he agreed.  "How did they get down to us?"

"Maybe they have roaming towers.  I have no idea," John admitted.  "Ash was here once.  Ellen said that's why he drinks."

"This situation is about to make me," Bobby said.  "Any idea if we can get up there to save 'em?"

"Rosenburg's looking."

Bobby grimaced.  "She's a bit scary.  Seems sweet."

"Yeah, which is probably a cover for her dark magic leanings."  John pulled out his weapons to look them over.  A few things could be sharpened or cleaned.  "Any ideas yet?"

"Not yet but I haven't heard anything about this former guy who died.  Every source that mentions him said he was a good, just ruler who helped people.  Even those who weren't his kind.  They invented chocolate."

"Dean's probably in M&M heaven then," John said dryly, smirking some.  "I've heard that Harris has a chocolate fetish too."

"Good for him probably.  They said they need the chocolate to live once they've become their people."  John looked over.  "Something about a sacred spring."  Someone knocked then walked in.  "Miss Summers.  Any new news?"

"My biology teacher just turned into a demon and tried to hump someone so I had to drive him off."  She sat down looking at them.  "The chocolate thing is true.  Willow bound Xander away from sweets and he nearly died after three days of not having any.  That's why he was in the hospital."  She looked at John.  "They said they need about a cup a day for health reasons.  They even gave mom a cookbook of strange ways to hide it in things."

"Interesting.  Do we think my boys will need it?"

She shrugged.  "No clue.  We heard they adopted Xander at a very young age from that situation."  She leaned back to be more relaxed.  "The nurse and Anya nearly chewed Willow a new one.   She's been baking cookies in apology for that.  They apparently brought them with the guys since Anya said there's no cookies littering her place."

"They were living together?" Bobby asked.

"Yeah, they moved in together a few months back."  She shrugged.  "It helps Anya get closer to human again.  Even if she does still talk about sex like it's food."  She looked at John again.  "Everyone I've talked to said your boys are probably just fine.  Since they decided to make Xander take one of them permanently, I don't think they'd be tortured.  If they've got healers, and Willow was sure they probably did, they've got to have someone in to check Dean's thigh.  Xander would protect them.  He tries to do it to me now and then too."

John considered that.  "I'd still rather talk to them."

"Mom actually got hold of Xander's cellphone.  We're not sure *how* or what service he's going through.  Clearly roaming but I'm hoping his plan doesn't charge him roaming costs.  He said it was the middle of the afternoon up there.  Your two were scouting the palace they were in.  Dean's still limping but not as much as he was.  Xander's said that we can get up there.  He knows we have plans on coming up there and Mom did tell him you and Bobby were here because I managed to get there as she was talking to him."  John nodded once at that.  "But they can't get us up there any sooner so it'll be weeks.  He said they closed off the realm for the funeral and haven't reopened it except to get them up there. Xander thinks that there's a reason the old guy decided he couldn't do it anymore and starved to death by not eating chocolate for a week."

"Why couldn't he get him as a prince and helper then?" Bobby asked.

"I don't know.  I know some demons are strange that way.  Heirs are only heirs when you're gone in a few of the higher societies and this is looking like it's a civilized people.  We can't find out much more than that.  I've called Angel down in LA.  They branched off from our group after our graduation."  She swallowed.  "He'll know more hopefully since LA has a huge demon population."

Bobby nodded at that.  "I'd figure most cities would and I've been told they hide here because the power hides them."

"Yup, and the harmful ones get high on it and attack," she agreed dryly.  "We kick butt, go back to our thing afterward, and then have research parties with pizza."  She grinned.  "We've got it down to an art.  Though, Sam has been *really* helpful, Mr. Winchester."  She grinned at him.  "He's been helping Xander a lot and they even managed to give me a few nights off.  Dean helps with the research stuff and Sam's nearly a god of it according to Willow.  She nearly bowed at his feet for finding stuff she couldn't online.  Dean joked that it'd make his butt swell since he was being a butthead that night."  John cracked a smirk at that.  "We like the boys and we want to help you get them back.  Even if they are going to leave us back at the normal stuff again."  She stood up.  "Mom's going to call back after dinner since time seems to run about the same up there.  She said you two are coming over for dinner.  Do you know where?"

"She drew us a map," he offered.

"Good."  She smiled.  Then she looked around.  "These were some nice people but they were kinda fussy too.  Had a german sheppard that used to like to try to pounce us on patrol when it got loose.  It's a shame they're in Bermuda."  She pointed.  "The ones up the street with the ugly shutters are the ones who died."

"Usually someone would've called the cops," Bobby said.

Buffy snorted.  "Our officers?  Do anything like their jobs?  Yeah, right!"  She smirked.  "They never would.  C'mon, I'll walk you two up there so you're not pounced by the granny patrol who'll want to cuddle and coo over you two."  They repacked and headed out after her, going to that other house.  A few neighbors gave her interested looks.  "House sitting," she called with a wave.  "Hi, Mrs. Johnson.  These two are house sitters."

"That's fine, dear."  She pinched them both on the cheek.  "It must be how you're getting a quiet vacation away from stress."

"Yes, ma'am," Bobby said.

"Such polite young men too."  She smirked.  "I should take you out to remember my wild youth, boys."  She walked off, going to get pretty while she talked to them.

Buffy looked at them.  "She's ninety but she can still kick it at the Bronze now and then."  She let them into the house and watched them reward the house.  "Salt?"

"It keeps out some classes of demons and spirits," John told her.

"Huh.  Will it work on vamps?"  They shook their heads.  "Pity.  Most of the problems around here are vamps and we almost never see spirits.  Well, except the ones reliving their bad night at the Sadie Hawkins dance and the time Xander accidentally fell into a burial chamber that gave him syphilis and small pox for a few hours."  She saw the looks she was getting.  "They were kinda mad that we gave it to their native people so they gave him a 'thanks for killing us' gift before we sent them on.  Once they were gone he was better."

"Good to know," Bobby said.  "I've never seen that mentioned before.  John?"

"No, I've never heard of that happening."

"Freaky stuff like this and being kidnaped by the chocolate demons happens to Xander."  She shrugged.  "It's like how he only dates bad girls.  Anya was clearly one when she was demonic so she fits."  She grinned.  "We just sigh and nag anymore.  Especially if he ever gets possessed again."

"That was after a possession?" Bobby asked.

"Two if you count Halloween as one since a chaos sorcerer turned us into our costumes."

John blinked.  "Can we get notes on that so we can make sure people know it's possible?"

"Sure.  Giles would have that."  She grinned.  "That's kinda his job as a watcher."

"We'll ask him later, before dinner," Bobby assured her.  She beamed and bounced out.  He and John shared a look.  "There is a worse magnet than your younger son?"

"Possibly.  How would it have given it to him?"

"There's a way if he's a medium....  Which might be in line with the dating bad girls thing," he said, considering it.  "They'd be drawn to his nature."  John just nodded once.  "Aren't you glad Sammy only has visions?"

"Intensely."  Someone knocked and he got up to smile at the woman on the other side.  "Hi, Mrs. Johnson.  Is there a problem we can help you with?"

"No, not yet, boys, but I was going to invite you to dinner."  She patted her carefully put up hair.  She had even put on makeup and shaved for them.

"Unfortunately we've promised to eat dinner with Mrs. Summers tonight, ma'am," Bobby said.  She pouted.  "She's got some of his sons' things in storage while they're out of town.  But it looks like we'll be here for at least a few weeks.  Maybe some other night?"

She beamed.  "I can do that.  This Saturday we're having a good town picnic in the parks.  Would you like to come with me?"

"We wouldn't mind getting to know more about the town at all," John told her.  She kissed him then strolled off.  He waited until he had the door closed.  "She's one feisty woman."

"Yes she is," Bobby said with a smirk.  "She good?"  John swatted him.  Bobby just laughed because John was blushing.  Big, bad John Winchester, blushing over a feisty ninety-year-old woman kissing him like they were teenagers.

****

Sam came back to their suite from his wandering, handing Xander the map he had drawn.  Dean was leaning in his chair.  "Leg?" he asked.

"Sore as shit, dude, but I'll live.  I took more of the stuff in his kit."  He looked at his map then at Sam's.  "Looks like it's a mirror image except for that one area," he said with a point.

Xander looked then nodded.  "It does.  He's got that listed as incoming portals."

"That's what the door's sign said," Sam agreed.  He settled himself down.  "Any ideas after talking to the guys who came in to leave us food?"

"Two things."  Xander looked up.  "He did suicide but the higher ups think there was a reason for it.  Something he couldn't handle coming up."  That got a joint nod.  "I also learned that there was an official heir but he had given it up to go be human.  They're trying to find him because he has to officially turn over his position to me.  So we might be able to talk him into taking it back and just helping with whatever situation it was.  I do know that he had other heirs given to him and adopted into the family.  For some reason he picked me instead of the over thirty others he had listed in their official books."

"So we might end up helping the new heir but that'd be okay?" Dean suggested.

Xander looked at him and nodded.  "Even if you two aren't comfortable I can do that.  They're said to be very nice.  Very delicate people.  Very honorable as well.  No one's said what the problems coming are about."

Dean nodded once at that.  "Okay so we might have to help.  I don't mind helping people or demons as long as they're not evil bitches.  These guys kidnaped us but it seems like they thought it was for a good reason."  Sam nodded at that.  "Any other news they shared?"

"The coronation is in three weeks."  They groaned.  "They're setting up a room so you can do PT for your leg, Dean, and the healer who worked on you earlier is going to be doing daily checks to make sure you're all right.  There's also a pool attached to that room so you can swim to help it get stronger.  We're not forbidden from helping you.  They did say they'd wish me to acquiesce, their word, sooner on the marriage thing.  I told them I still only liked girls, you two only liked girls, so it wasn't about to happen suddenly.  They said it'd be better and more stable when me or the original heir took over."  Sam nodded once at that.  "I did get them to give us a history book."  He pointed at it on a nearby table.  "Plus a book on local customs and things so we don't accidentally trip over something they consider bad and worthy of killing."

"Not a bad idea," Dean agreed.  "Looked through it?"

"Glanced, haven't really read.  I've been pacing.  I talked to Joyce.  Your dad and someone named Bobby showed up earlier.  They're going to her house tonight for dinner so they'll call back then."  That got a nod from both boys.  "Buffy apparently complained that you're all too tall since she's only five-three.  She's been talking hunting and I'm kinda hoping that they'll be good and help her see some of the areas where she likes to ignore things.   Also, Joyce said he did start in on Willow's magic problems.  That someone had told him from out of town.  He said he'll leave her unstaked for now, but that's one area they could be talking to Buffy about because we've all worried about Willow's magical mistakes now and then.  Especially after that will spell she did when she broke up with Oz."

"Will spell?" Dean asked dryly, staring at him.

"Oz left for Tibet after a long night where he killed another werewolf that was after Willow."  They nodded slowly at that.  "So he basically left for Tibet.  She caught him packing and he said he'd be back.  She got so upset she cast a my will be done spell."  Both boys shuddered.  "It was kinda odd.  Buffy nearly married Spike.  I ended up a worse demon magnet.  Giles ended up blind."  Dean whimpered, shaking his head moaning 'wrong' over and over.  "Yeah.  And it's not her first mistake but I'm not sure that it's a good thing to be making mistakes with magic.  Magic kinda makes me a bit wary since it goes funky around me whenever she's doing stuff."

"Okay," Sam said, holding up a hand.  "You can't make a magical  *mistake*, Xander.  You can cast a spell that you didn't intend to cast.  You can have a higher power warp a spell or some other power warp a spell that you're casting.  Magic has to go with intent.  There's no way to make a *mistake*.  You cast with intention and thought.  You put emotion behind it."

"We have seen a witch that screwed up a potion that went with a spell," Dean corrected.  "That did screw it up."

"She's done that," Xander admitted.  "She doesn't measure very well."

The brothers shared a look then Sam sighed, looking at Xander.  "Xander, has she been stealing books?  Doing rites no one's aware of?"

"Tara might be.  Tara's mother trained her in how to be a witch.  She agreed that Willow's mistakes aren't good."

Dean shook his head.  "No, that's not mistakes.  That's her mind isn't following her intent," Dean said simply.  He shifted and winced a bit, holding his sore thigh.  "That's her mind has a darker core and that core is taking over her control."  Xander slumped.  "That's a damn good reason to get her bound from her magic before she actually hurts someone.  Because that's the major sign on the way to the dark side for witches.  Stealing books, hiding it like it's an addiction, all that."

Sam nodded.  "For her it might be an addiction.  I've noticed that she's been doing magic for a lot of little things.  Like her hair the other night.  She was floating up her hair barrette instead of picking it up.  She used magic to put it into place and hold her hair in place instead of doing it by hand."

"That's bad?" he asked.

"Think of it like a drunk," Sam offered.  "Some people can drink casually.  A drink now and then in social situations.  A beer during the game.  No big.  No desire to keep going, nothing like that.  Then there's the guys even if they only drink now and then, they're still not able to stop.  If they keep from drinking they're fine but at the first sip that need takes over and they'll keep going until they're drunk and they can't help it.  Then there's the full blown, every day drinking alcoholics.  Some of which can function nearly normally while drunk and some can't.  Willow's acting a lot like the social drinker who can't stop herself from getting a second cocktail.  She's moving quickly down the path to a full blown lush that's only drinking."

"Only with magic she can hurt more people than drunk drivers," Dean added.  "If she can channel your hellmouth she can hurt a whole lot of people."

"She's closed it a few times."  Xander looked at him.  "I knew that soul sticking spell was too hard for her."

"Soul sticking?" Sam asked.  "The one we heard was on Angel?"

Xander grimaced and nodded.  "She tried the first time but she ended up in a coma overnight.  When she woke up, she tried it again and managed it but this was less than a year after starting her training under Giles.  She went from floating pencils to closing the hellmouth for him, to that spell while in a hospital bed."

"No, that's not...."  Dean shook his head quickly.  "We can have Dad check her to make sure no malevolent spirit took her over if you want.  Dad'll growl though.  He hates bad witches."

"We can ask Bobby.  He'll be a bit more fair," Sam offered at Xander's quick head shake.  "That way he's an independent source and he can tell her what happens to witches on her path."

"She'll think we're ganging up on her."

"Then we'll suggest it to Buffy," Sam said, grinning some.  "She can nag her into it or go suggest it to Bobby.  That way Willow can't be pissed at you and won't think we're ganging up on her."

"Buffy could best friend her into it," Xander decided.  "I can get behind that plan.  I don't want to see her on a pole about to be burned ever again," he sighed, shaking his head.  "Once was enough."

"Why was she nearly burned?" Dean asked.

"The Hansel and Gretel demon drove the town into a frenzy against magic and the occult.  They nearly burned Amy Madison, Willow's pet rat Amy now, Buffy, and Willow at the stake."

"Huh?" Sam asked.  Xander grinned and went over it in slight detail, earning a shudder.  "We've got to get Bobby to look at the records of strangeness going on out there.  If there's other hellmouths it'd drive hunters nuts."

"There are.  Giles has a book with them."

Dean groaned, rubbing his thigh.  "That's just wrong on so many levels."

"Yeah, but Amy did it to herself.  Willow and Buffy got freed.  It worked out okay."

Dean shook his head.  "Not really.  She's still a rat."

"She can't change herself back and Willow's tried a few times but she hasn't managed it either."

"That's probably going to take a full blown rite to undo," Sam said thoughtfully.  He started to make notes for their later call.  "Your phone isn't prepaid minutes, right?"

"Nope.  I'm going to hate this month's cellphone bill.  Roaming sucks."

Dean nodded.  "That's why we have nationwide toll free on ours," he told him.

"I never get out of Sunnydale.  Well, the roadtrip from hell took me to Oxnard, but not really all that far off."

"Maybe after this we'll help you see more of the US," Sam offered with a grin.  "We've been all over it most of our lives.  I think we've only missed Alaska and Hawaii."

"No, we were in Alaska at one point," Dean corrected.  "You were, like, three.   Dad heard the demon was up there hunting someone so we drove up through Canada.  Pretty country.  It was summertime so not cold.  We only hit just over the border."

Sam nodded.  "I don't remember that.  But okay."  He shrugged and went back to his list making.  "Anything we're missing from our supplies?"

"Weapons," Dean said.

"I found a few of my daggers," Xander offered.  "Nothing else though."

"We've got a whole trunk full," Dean said with a grin.  "Kinda comes with the job."

"I guess it would.  I've got a few warehouses of stuff down there I've managed to liberate from nests and things.  Buffy'll slay and then walk off.  I decided leaving stuff there was probably not a good idea."

"Probably not," Dean agreed.  "No telling what they'd do when another vamp found it.  Anything good?"

"A few things but it's just piled in there in no order."  He shrugged a bit.  "If I let Anya play with it, she'd try to sell it on me and then who knows who'd get it.  Plus any weapons would probably get agents on our doorstep.  Who'd then get eaten and we'd have to take them down too."

"That would suck," Dean agreed.  Sam nodded at that.  "Want us to tell Dad so he can look it over?   Make sure only hunters get the bigger things?"

"I'm not sure yet.  We might need them.  We have needed artillery in the past," he said at Sam's strange look.  "And explosives."

Sam whimpered.  "Why?"

"Buffy blew up the Judge with a grenade launcher in a mall.  Angelus had put it together again.  It was going to eat humanity and could only be destroyed by a weapon that hadn't been invented back in his day.  Basically a 'no weapon made by man' clause.  The explosives we used during grad."

Dean shuddered, curling up some.  "We looked that up, dude.  That looked bad.  That I would've wanted the Marines behind me during."

"So did we but we only had the graduating class."  He grimaced.  "It wasn't a bad plan for being last minute but it was last minute and we had problems.  I'm the first to admit that we had problems."  He looked at the books again, pulling over the etiquette book.  He didn't want to do anything so wrong that they'd want to kill him for.

Dean and Sam shared a look.  Sam gave Xander a short hug on his hunt for the phones.  They could call their dad during supper from theirs.  It'd save some of Xander's phone.

***

Buffy walked up to Willow, nudging her with her shoulder since she was looking down at the little creek.  "Got a wacky idea."

"What?"  She looked at her best friend.  "You don't look like it's a happy or shoe shopping one."

"Nope.  Bigger idea."  She leaning on the railing too.  "I was thinking that since we have some really experienced hunters here, maybe they can teach us some stuff?"

"They don't seem to like me."

"Well, and Sam had a thought about this.  They more don't like how you've made mistakes while casting."  She grimaced.  "Which worries us too, Wills, but maybe they can help you with that focus so you don't have that problem anymore."

Willow slumped.  "I don't know why I make mistakes like the will spell."

"I don't count that as a mistake.  I count that as you were in pain and trying to solve it.  Hence the drinking thing too."  She gave her another friendly nudge.  "Sam also heard how you went uber powerful within your first year.  He wasn't so sure that you didn't have some help doing that.  Maybe you got a bit Xander'd and sucked in something that was helping you with the soul spell and stuff but now isn't so helpy."

Willow considered it.  "I don't think I did."

"Xander said he doesn't remember anything from the hyena.  Who says they can't hide from you?"

"Huh.  I don't know."  She considered it.  "Did Xander nag at Sam about it?"

"No.  But Sam was thinking that maybe, because you've been using it all the time for even the little things, that some training time with some higher witches might help you with your focus and stuff.  That way you don't have burrito farts and destroy us all one night when you're stressed over homework.  Like you nearly burned all my hair off last week."

Willow gave her a hug.  "I said I was sorry."

"I know, but still a bit scary, Willow."  She grinned.  "I forgave you since you made it grow back."

Willow relaxed to her leaning spot again.  "Maybe there is a little helper in there.  I had no idea I was using magic then.  If it's a possession it could've done it without me knowing I guess."

"So, see, we can ask that Bobby guy.  John seems a bit growly about the magic stuff.  Bobby seems more like a watchery sort."

"Yeah, he does."  She sighed, looking down then at her friend.  "Do you think he'd be able to help?"

"I don't know.  We can ask.  He might know some higher witches if he can't."

"That might be nice.  Take Tara away this summer to talk to them."

"Yup, a vacation sounds good right about now."  They shared a smile and walked off.  Buffy got in a short patrol on the way there.  They found Bobby researching without John.  "No scruffy, growly one?" she asked him when he answered the door.

"He's out making sure the town's fairly safe tonight."

She sighed.  "That's my job, not his.  Did he bring a stake?"

"Why would he?"

"Most of the ones around here you stake," Willow told him.  He groaned, texting that to him.  "Can we...I talk to you for a few minutes?"

"Sure."  He nodded as Buffy left.  "What's wrong, Miss Rosenburg?"

"Sam and... and probably Xander too, thought it was a bit odd how I went from floating pencils to sticking souls and closing the hellmouth," she said, looking at her hands then at him.  He sat her down and stared at her.  "He thought I might've sucked up something that's being helpy back then but now isn't being so helpy because I've had a few accidents and times when spells go on that I don't think I cast."

Bobby considered it.  He and Sam had talked about Willow earlier.  "I can search for a possessing spirit," he assured her.  She beamed and relaxed some.  "If it's not that, there's the option of a magic addiction."  Her face fell and she pouted.  "Sam talked to me before about you using it for little things.  Normal things.  If it's a possession we can cure it.  If it's not, I'd be honor bound to report you to some stronger witches so you'd get help."

"I think that might be okay," she admitted.  "I could take Tara to go study with them. Make it like a short vacation from here."

"That might be good with them," he agreed, smiling some.  "Sit there, let me get some things ready."  She nodded, getting comfortable by pulling her feet up to cross in front of her and lean on her knees while watching him gather the book and other things he needed.  Plus some holy water.  He came back.  "Holy water's a basic test."

"I had to refill our squirt guns from a church recently," she offered.  He sprinkled her anyway.  No effect.  She grinned so he moved on to test other things.

***

Buffy found John and sighed, staking the vamp.  "The ones around here you stake."

He looked at her.  "Blowing their heads off works in most things."

"Yeah, but only the vamps are truly evil around here.  We get some bad demons but not all of them are bad.  Some are just hiding."

"I'm not touching anything that's not attacking someone," he said firmly.

She smiled.  "Good!  That's how we roll around here."  She walked off with him.  "So, how is hunting your way?"

"A lot of long hours of research and leaving towns quickly once you've solved things."

"Huh.  I guess that's why slayers have watchers, to do our research for us so we have more time to hunt."  She grimaced.  "Even though Giles and I aren't really needing it right now.  We only go into major research overdrive when the bad things appear anymore."

"Once you've learned your major problems that's how it should be.  Since my boys and I do a lot of spirits, we have to find a lot of graves to salt and burn."

She looked up at him.  "What does that do?"

"Sends them onto their next life by force."

"Oh."  She pursed her lips while she thought then shook her head.  "I'm glad I don't have to dig them up to kill them.  It's kinda icky.  It's bad enough when they get ash and goo all over me.  I hate the days I come home covered."

John gave her a look.  "I'm guessing past slayers haven't really cared about that?"

"No but they got taken from their families and stuff to be turned into perfect slayers.  Who're never allowed to date, shop, have fun, anything like that.  I met one.  It kinda sucked for her.  She only had *one* shirt.  She got really pissed when it got ruined."

John shook his head.  "That doesn't sound ideal either.  I trained my boys to hunt but I wasn't *that* strict."

She grinned.  "Dean does sound like he likes fun.  We even got him to hop into the Bronze one night.  He waxed poetic about fleecing guys at the pool table but he couldn't stand long enough to do that."

"That is how we make a lot of our traveling money," he agreed.

"It seems like you should be funded by someone," she said.  "That someone should pay you to handle some things."

"Nope.  A lot of times we don't get any thanks either."

She nodded.  "I get that a lot around here.  The cops hate us.  They actually tried to blame stuff on us that they were doing."  She looked around and sighed.  "We should check on Xander's warehouses that he doesn't know that I know he has."

"Warehouses?"

"Yeah, he's been going behind me to clean out some nests and things so the next vamp doesn't get their stuff.  Anya doesn't know because she'd throw a fit and expect some of it to be given to her and the weapons to be sold off.  I'm figuring if we need artillery next time he'll pull something out of one of them."  She led him to the storage places so they could check them over.  John looked in the first one, whimpering when he saw boxes on top of cases.  "He just piles it in here.  I don't think he does an inventory or anything."  She shut it and went to the next few.  Then they left again.

"Those were real weapons," he pointed out.

She nodded.  "Next time maybe I won't have to use one in a mall."

He stared at her, stopping her from moving.  "A mall?"  She grinned and nodded.  "You didn't get agents here for that?"

"Nope, but we did get the Initiative a year and a bit later.  We were never sure why they came here.  If it was they saw that demon that was going to eat everyone or if it was about the Mayor's stuff.  Xander figures it had to be about the Judge in the mall since they had to have time to build an underground base.  I figured it was graduation but they showed up a few months later."

He stared at her.  "Probably his idea or something earlier," he admitted.  "It takes time for the military to move.  What Judge?"

"When Angel went bad, he got the pieces and put together a huge demon called the Judge."  She took his arm and walked off again.  "It was really nasty.  Started with their emotions and ate them from there.  He couldn't be killed by any weapon made by mankind.  Well, we blew him back to little blobs then sent the pieces off to be guarded again.  Xander had to sneak onto the reserve base to get me something to use for my birthday."

"Uh-huh," he said, considering it.  "Is it safely stored?"

"Giles sent it to different parts of the globe; to other watchery sorts to guard I guess.  All he said were contacts he had."  She looked up at him.  "It worked."

"I'm sure it did."  He paused to consider.  "If Dean had to do something like that I'd be proud he had managed the situation but then yell because he had done something that would get us attention from the wider world."

"This is Sunnydale.  They ignore everything except me killing the robot that was going to hurt me and my mom around here."

"Robot?" he asked, giving her a funny look.  She sighed but nodded.  "Things are really screwed up around here, huh?"  She grinned and nodded faster.  "I'd hate being stationed here."

"Not a whole lot of choice in mine," she said dryly.  "Slayers are slayers so we handle the big things that would drive hunters like you nuts I'm guessing."

"Probably," he decided.  He watched her move to stake the vampire running toward them.  "Want to spar tomorrow since Xander's not here?"

"Huh?"

"Sparring practice," he said again.  "I figure you'll need someone to do that with since Xander's not here.  I'm not bad at hand-to-hand."

"I practice with Giles now and then when he wants to get his butt kicked.  He did make me a room to practice all I want in.  But Xander and I don't really practice because he's got the work stuff and all that."

He stared at her for her overconfidence.  He knew what was going through her head and why she didn't spar with Xander.  He had heard Sam's rant about her thinking Xander was too normal to do things.  "How do you learn new moves and things?"

"The slayer gifts come with knowledge of every fighting style."

"You can still lose those if your body isn't trained to do them," he pointed out.  "Or injure yourself.  Even girls can get groin pulls, Buffy."  She shuddered at that.  "Even with faster healing."

"I practice every night while I patrol."

"It might help you wear out that bouncy energy that keeps you from focusing in your classes."

She grimaced.  "I think I'm just bouncy, John.  But thanks for the offer."

"It does everyone good to learn new things," he said.

She looked back at him.  "Do you go all pushy daddy on your boys too?"

"Yup.  You have to be able to fight to survive."  He looked over her current outfit.  "If Dean had went out wearing heels I'd have beaten his ass."

"For wearing heels or for hunting in them?" she teased with a grin.

"Hunting in them.  If Dean wanted to cross-dress I would've gotten over it fairly quickly.  Might've used him as bait a few times," he admitted.  She chuckled, shaking her head and taking his arm again.  "How many nights a week do you patrol?"

"Almost every night.  Unless I can legitimately call off for something, like finals.  Then Xander does a short one for me with Spike or someone so he doesn't get hurt."

He looked at her.  "You know, if he had more practice, he wouldn't get hurt so often."

She shrugged.  "He's working all the time."

"Who trained him to hunt, Buffy?"

"He learned on the job.  So did I."

"You had a mentor," he pointed out more gently.  She slumped but nodded.  "I'm sure Dean's running him through his paces up there.  With Dean being down with that broken leg of his, they'll need Xander to be ready for anything."

"I'm sure they'll be fine.  They were said to be nice people.  We haven't heard about any funky, dangerous pre-coronation rituals or anything either."

"Good point.  I know they're still taking precautions.  I trained my boys well."

"They're kinda paranoid."

"Like you, there's people out to get them," he reminded her.

"Yeah, Sam's been researching the demon that wants his butthole.  He hasn't been happy with what he's learned."

John looked at her.  "I don't think the demon wants him for that reason, Buffy."

She shrugged.  "He might.  They seem to want Xander for that reason."

"Sammy's not as drawing of trouble as Xander is."

"Yeah," she snorted.  "Because Sammy didn't have three vampires come to blows over who would get to turn him so they could play with his hair?"

"He never told me that."

"One night at the Bronze.  Xander got two and I got the other one for him.  They weren't happy gay vampires by any means.  They wanted to do a total makeover.  Leather pants on up."

John shook his head quickly at that image.  "I don't think Sammy would like leather.  Dean's got his leather jacket but Sammy's never been fond of it.  Said it was too heavy."

"They kinda had him tied up and gagged.  He was trying to complain but oh well.  Shouldn't have been dancing at the Bronze with the succuba who sold him off."

John shook his head.  "I think I want my boys somewhere more sane.  Things like that only happen around here."

"Usually to Xander," she joked.

"He needs somewhere more sane too."

She nodded.  "I'd like to see him get out of the patrolling business and go raise kids with some good girl, not Anya but some nicer girl somewhere, so he didn't get hurt."

He looked at her.  "Being around power like this taints you," he said quietly.  She slumped.  "The longer you're here, the more you suck up.  Like any radiating energy, Buffy."

"So Xander being born here would mean he'll never leave?  Is that what cut his roadtrip short?"

"I think that was more a piece of crap car," he admitted.  "Dean told me he had went on one and how he got stuck in Oxnard," he told her at her sideways look.  He pulled his gun but she stopped him.  "It's eating that dog."

"They only eat dogs.  They know to only eat stray dogs," she said more loudly.  The demon fled with his dinner.  "Poor K-9 dog.  But his owner was probably sucked dry anyway," she sighed.  She found him in the alley, checking him over.  "Blood in his mouth.  He'll be vamped."

John walked up and pulled out something, sticking it against his chest and pushing the plunger.  It went off with a quiet 'whoomp' and he stood up, tucking it back into his pocket.  "Air injector loaded with holy water soaked wood," he told her.  "It comes in handy now and then."  She beamed at that, walking him off again.  He looked down at her since she was on his arm again.  Not that it wasn't how a gentleman escorted a lady around but it was still odd.

She grinned up at him.  "I never get to do girl stuff these days.  Riley hated me being a girly girl.  Spike makes fun of me for it.  It's nice to do girlish things again."

He nodded, letting it go.  He supposed she didn't get much time to be a girl instead of a slayer.  "Riley?"

"I was dating one of the Initiative guys.  He was a team leader.  Then we saw how big of dirtbags they were so he turned on them and helped us end them."

"Hmm."  He kept his opinion to himself about that.  "He left?"

"He's being a commando somewhere in Central America I think."  She shrugged.  "They needed him to go hunt demons down there for the UN."

"Interesting."  He smiled down at her.  "You need someone better than that.  Someone who doesn't like the job but can do it with you for reasons other than it's fun."

"I know.  But I can't date Xander.  He's like a pesky brother."

He nodded.  "I realize that.  I'll ask a few hunters if they might come out here," he offered.  She squealed and hugged him then bounced off to babble and kick the butt of the demon causing problems up the street.  He pulled out his phone to call Bobby.  "It's me.  We're still fine.  Know anyone who might like to come to town and help Buffy, plus maybe date her?"  He hung up since he had gotten his voicemail.

***

John came home that night, looking at the crying witch on their borrowed couch.  "She good?"

"It's a full blown addiction," he said quietly.  "I've called around.  I'm waiting to hear back from the witches I know."

John nodded.  "Most of the witches you know are good, common sensical women."  He patted Willow on the head.  "People fight addictions every day, kiddo.  You can too."

"I have to be able to work spells to help out or I'm just in the way," she sobbed.

"Yeah, but you can fight the impulse to do more than that.  Like the thing with your hair that Sammy mentioned during the call."  She looked up at him.  "Magic should be for special things, not everyday things.  Even if you can wipe your own ass with it, why bother?  That's why you have hands and tp."

"I guess."  She wiped her nose on the back of her hand.  "Do you think I can learn to work around it?"

He shrugged.  "That depends on how much you want it, girl."  She nodded.  "What does Tara say?"

"She wanted me to give up on magic for a while."

"Sounds like the girl has sense," Bobby agreed calmly.  "Let us get you back to the dorms, Willow.  We'll talk tomorrow once I hear back from a few witches.  It won't be easy but you can do it."  She nodded, letting John drove her back to the campus.  Bobby collapsed, looking up at the ceiling.  This was not a good start to this problem.  A witch with emotional issues and a magic addiction.  Her girlfriend was more stable as a witch but not as powerful.  And too shy to come anywhere near them.  Plus she didn't fight so they couldn't count on her for that.  A slayer who was a bit flighty and scary for that reason.  And their best three hopes of getting out of the problems were the problems this time.  John came back.  "She good?"

"She's settled in talking to Tara."  He sat down.  "Bad?  Sammy mentioned she made some supposed mistakes."

"She burned Buffy's hair off the other night by accident while frustrated.  Made it grow back before Buffy could do more than whine."

"Buffy's looking forward to times that let her be more normal."

"I'd do that too.  She's got the worst job of all of us.  We can retire or take some time off.  She can't."

"Yeah.  But she doesn't like to practice."

Bobby shrugged.  "Most people don't, even if it's their daily job.  Maybe especially if it's their daily job."

"That's what she said.  I'll be seeing her tomorrow for practice since I used moves she hadn't seen before."  He gave him a smug look.  "The gift comes with knowledge of other fighting styles but she didn't take them in to learn them."

"Then I'm sure you'll have fun tomorrow.  How bad was it?"

"Seventeen vampires, two demons and one I nearly shot for eating a dog.  She shooed it off."

Bobby shuddered.  "The town's overrun?"

"Apparently.  They do the best they can but I'm guessing the hellmouth keeps it overflowing."  That got a nod.  "Think the girl will be fine?"

"Willow should be fine.  Girl has some balls behind her attitude.  I'm more worried about why she went down the addiction path."

"Ah, I heard about that," he said dryly.  "Her parents are shrinks."

"Good shrinks or drug dealing shrinks?"

"Neither.  Lecturing, book writing shrinks."

Bobby shuddered.  "At least they're not tv and radio shrinks.  That'd be even worse.  So I'm guessing they coddled her?"

"Buffy said she hasn't seen them in years."

"Excuse me?" Bobby demanded.  John nodded, looking smug.  "So, they're shrinks but they're neglecting their own child?"  John nodded again, looking even more smug.  "That Xander boys' parents?"

"I asked to see if we should tell them anything.  She said not to bother.  She said to drop it when I asked further."

"Ah.  Interesting."  He considered it.  "The local denial problem?"  John mimed drinking.  "That's even worse."

"So Willow basically helped raise Xander," John finished.

Bobby snorted, shaking his head.  "So we've met the real parents in the group?"

"Apparently.  Buffy's mom has some sense.  Joyce seems like she's got her daughter well in hand."

"Even better.  Everyone could use fussed over now and then."

"No thanks."  He stood up.  "Which room is mine?"

"The one in the back.  I gave you the bigger bed," he said with a smirk.  "She get on you for being so tall?  Willow thought she might."

"She did mention it a few times.  She thought it was unfair she was so short."  He went to shower and lay down for the night.  Bobby would wake him up in a few hours so he could take watch.  They weren't going to let their guards down since the town was so dangerous.  Though he did want to go through the boy's warehouse.  Maybe he'd mention to Sam that it should be gone through.  He'd like that sort of challenge.

***

Xander woke up the next morning, looking at the two men in the bed beside him.  "I could've sworn I went to sleep on the couch," he said when he caught Sam staring at him.  "I'm sorry."

"They probably moved you back," Sam dismissed.  "Or you're sleep walking."  Xander relaxed and grinned at that.  "How're you feeling?"

"I'm okay.  Why wouldn't I be?"

"Last night you got goofy after dinner," Dean moaned, sitting up and looking at him.  "Weren't you on the couch and Sammy on that funky footless couch?"

"Yup," Sam agreed.  "I'm guessing they moved us back.  How's your leg?"

"Aches but it's better today."  He looked around.  "So far we're alone."

"Someone woke me up bringing in food," Sam said with a point behind him.  "Xander, take first shower?"

"I can do that.  Sorry, guys."  He left, going to hide in the bathroom while the brothers talked.

"They're pushy," Dean complained.

"They're desperate," Sam corrected quietly.  Dean slumped and grumbled something but nodded.   "Making Xander uncomfortable won't do us any good, Dean."

"I know.  I wasn't trying to."  He looked at him.  "How did you get back here?  No one we've seen is strong enough or big enough to lift your big, heavy ass."

"Who knows.  Maybe they've got some telekinetics or some magic users."  He got up.  "Want the field kit?"

"Please."  Sam got it for him, letting him find his drugs for the day.  Since they'd run out soon it'd mean that Dean would have to cut back as he healed so Sam wouldn't worry about it.  Xander came out drying off his hair in a robe, hurrying to his dressing area.  "Want first or second?" Dean asked, making himself get up.

"Whichever."

"They put a chair in there for him," Xander called.

"Then I'll go next and you take last," Dean decided, heading that way.

Sam sat down to read over the history book he hadn't finished last night.  He needed to know what sort of goofy drugs they had given Xander last night and if they were going to continue.  Then they'd do Dean's physical therapy for the day and find out a bit more about their surroundings.  It'd only help them.

***

Xander walked into the throne room, looking around.  "Damn that's a big chair."

"It'll shrink to fit you," one of the guards in there told him.  "Sire....."

"Don't even," Xander warned.  "My name is Xander.  I'm not royalty."

"Xander then.  There's a council meeting later if you'd like to attend."

"I'm not used to running anything bigger than a construction crew, dude.  How would I know how to lead a people?"

"Like the last one did, you learn as you go alone.  Like any skill and leading ability."  He stared him down.

Xander looked back.  "Wanna trade places?"

"No.  The last Lord had a lot of whining people recently.  I'd hate to smite them."  Xander grinned at that, nodding some.  "The Council meets in the room to the left.  Behind the ugly tapestry there.  His mother made it for him."

"Thank you."  He walked that way, blatantly walking in while they were shouting at each other.  "Okay, let's get some things straight.  I don't know what sort of crack someone was smoking when they offered me.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I want to know why I was chosen out of all the others.  There may be a way we can help without me having to take a better trained heir's place.  Because I can't run shit and not screw up something," he finished bluntly.  He sat down in the open seat, staring at the amused looking men and one woman.  "Why me?"

"There were a few reasons," the pro-tem head of the realm admitted.  "One being that we are being threatened for the first time in a very long time.  Lord Wozaataran felt he was not able to deal with such things.  His last few journal entries said he was tired and had wished to be himself instead of the one everyone knew and looked up to."

"So, using the Willie Wonka analogy that Willow used before, I'm his Charlie?  I got the magical golden ticket?"

The man considered it then nodded.  "As I remember that story, yes."

Xander nodded once.  "I can understand threats but I'm still probably not the best choice.  I may hunt with a slayer but I'm still looking to the watcher for research and how to kill things."

"It would be normal to have advisors," he agreed.

"Okay, that makes more sense.  Why did my parents have him adopt me?"

"For a favor.  That is all that was recorded."

"Hmm.  Okay.  No other hunters, soldiers, anything like that among the other heirs?"  They shook their heads.  "At all?"

"Usually the adoption infusion turns them away from such pursuits," one said.  "You look well rested.  Were your new mates good last night?"

"I don't like doing that with boys, guys.  I like girls.  Specifically I'm dating Anyanka."  They all shuddered.  "She's lost her power center but she's my bitch.  I like Dean and Sam.  They're nice guys, but they're straight and I'm straight.  That's not going to happen.  I like having them here.  They're good in areas I'm not.  Dean's a better fighter and planner than I am when he's healed."

That got a few nods.  The pro-tem head smiled at him.  "That's why we chose them as your mates.  As for liking girls, we can overlook that flaw.  You'll work out a satisfactory relationship with them."

"And the fact that there's a higher demon who desperately wants Sam?" he countered.

He considered it.  "None would go against you for that matter.  You could protect him."

"Possibly but his dad's hellishly pissed."  A few grimaced.  "He's with my slayer right now."

"They are coming up for your coronation.  They've sent word through multiple sources that they're coming up.  They won't be allowed to attempt anything foolish but they're coming up."

Xander stared at him.  "You are talking about Buffy, right?"  That got a few snorts and nods.  "Uh-huh.  She'll agree, I'm not meant to lead people."

"It is still your job because you have the right skills.  So said the last lord," another said firmly.

"If I can help with the problem, I will.  I'm still not meant to lead.  Sam maybe.  Dean probably even more so.  I'll gladly help but I'm not the leader he thought I was."

"He saw your last battle," the pro-tem head told him.  Xander glared at him.  "In review, not in person.  We all knew to stay away from that town."  Xander relaxed but nodded.  "As for the threats, we're not sure.  They're locked and we can't unlock them until after the coronation.  We have no idea why he did that."

"He probably thought there'd be time."  He considered it.  "How do they unlock?"

"You have to be sworn in.  It's a blood key," he admitted, pointing at a box on a pedestal in the corner.  Xander got up to look at it, and it did open for him, making them gasp.  "We did choose well."

Xander looked at him.  "No you didn't.  I can't be civilized enough not to give you all a very bad name.  I'm rude at times.  I swear, I belch, I fart, and I do scratch myself.  I like being sweaty while I work and I like my weapons, guys.  Nothing in that makes me a good ruler."  He sat down to look over the letter, grimacing.  "Do we know anything about these demons?  Like how to kill them?"

"None of us are gifted in those areas," one of the councilors stated firmly.  "It doesn't go well with the holy spring's infusion."

Xander looked up.  "Liking chocolate doesn't mean you can't have violent tendencies.  That's something that's been bred and trained out of you guys, not something that's naturally suppressed."  He went back to reading, then stood up.  "Anything else I should hear *now* instead of in three weeks?"  They all shook their heads.  "Do we even have a military?"  They shook their heads.  "Then I'll see if Sam can find some stuff for you."  He walked out with it, taking it to the room they had set up Dean to rework on his leg.  Dean was slowly walking between a set of bars, trying hard not to brace on them but grimacing in pain.  "Good job," he said, smiling when the brothers looked over.  "But you look like you could use a rest."

"I will after this stroll."  He finished his walk and sat down on a nearby bench, panting hard.  "I still ache."

"You broke a major bone.  Of course you ache," Xander said.  He came over, handing Sam the letter before he squatted in front of Dean to work some of the cramps out.  "You're moving more stiffly than usual.  That's causing muscles to move in unfamiliar ways.  Plus they've been off-duty for a good few months, Dean.  Of course they're being weak for now."  He smiled at the moan, patting him on the knee as he plopped onto his butt on the floor.  "That's why I was chosen over all the other ones.  They said that the infusion from the holy spring tended to remove violent actions in people."

Sam reread it.  "Any idea on them?"  Xander shook his head.  Dean leaned over to read over his shoulder.  "I'll see what I can find online about them.  That's not a problem.  Do we have a local militia?"  Xander shook his head.

"We know there's mercenaries," Dean pointed out.  "There's probably some demon ones."

"I'll look into that once we get the realm open.  We know they can't attack before the coronation because they can't get up here any more than Buffy can."

"Which was a good point," Sam agreed.  "But it's probably hurting the local realm if they have to import things like food."  He put the letter into his pocket.  "What else did we find out?"

"Just that.  The council was meeting.  They said the old lord and master was tired.  Wanted to be himself again."

"You're Charlie to his Willie Wonka?" Dean asked.

"Yup.  They picked you two to because we get along well and you guys cover some of my weaker areas."

"Which makes sense," Sam agreed.  "Was the old lord married?"  Xander shrugged.  "Well I guess it'd mean you'd be less lonely and they'd have a strong ruling couple."

"Still no heirs," Dean pointed out.  "That means he'd have to adopt."

Xander nodded at that.  "Which seemed to happen pretty well before.  I did offer to help if they wanted to find a better trained heir.  I have no idea what I'm going to do yet."

"I know," Dean agreed.  "We're not going to be mean but this isn't a job for a hunter."

Xander shrugged. "It's really not a job for a Xander.  I'm violent and I have urges to kick people around now and then.  That doesn't make for a good ruler."

"We'll figure it out," Sam soothed.  Xander nodded at that.  "Dean, want to try the pool?"

"Been looking forward to it.  I haven't swam in a while."  He got up and grabbed his crutches to hop in there slowly.  His leg did ache.  He stopped to stare at the pool.  It was huge!  Like lake huge.  The water was clear but the bottom of the pool was painted dark so he couldn't really tell how deep it was.  The sides weren't concrete but they were still sturdy instead of feeling squishy like a bank did.  He put down his crutches and pulled off his outer clothes, showing he had on his bathing suit underneath.  Xander climbed in to check for depth, coming up a minute later holding up a thumb.  "Deep enough to dive in?"

"I couldn't touch bottom."  He grinned.  "No current either."

"That's cool."  He dove over the edge and sighed in pleasure as he came up.  Sam stripped down and dove in too.  Their clothes were safely away from all possible splashing.  Dean could relax and let his leg do what it needed to do.  He swam a few laps then rolled onto his back to float.  Of course that's when his phone went off.  "Sammy?"

"Going."  He heaved himself up the ladder, hunting down their phone.  "Hey, Dad," he answered.  "Sorry.  Working on Dean's leg in the pool."  He sat on the side, watching his brother relax.  Xander was making sure Dean wouldn't drown for now.  "No, he's fine.  Floating at the moment.  He was just walking without support for the first time.  His thigh cramped so we're relaxing and thinking."  He went to look at that letter, spelling out the name of the demon.  "Find them for me through Mr. Giles please?  Because that's why Xander was chosen.  They're threatening the realm and he's the only one among all the heirs who can fight."  He grinned.  "I can do that.  Nah, he's blissed out, floating around in the pool, Dad.  Dean, Dad wants to make sure you're all right."

"I'm good," he called.  He came over to the side, taking the phone.  "Hey, Dad.  I'm pretty good.  Just a bit sore and achy.  Well, Xander's field kit is a miracle.  It had something for my leg.   Yeah, still shaky but it'll hold me now.  I'm working on it.  I know, slowly build back up.  That's why I'm in the huge pool having fun not putting weight on it, Dad.  Yeah, that's what the letter said.  Sure.  Tell them we're all okay so far.  Xander's still freaking out some but he went to talk to them and they said the threats were why he was chosen.  Nah, we'll be fine until then.  Well, we might use some research but for now we're good.  Thanks, Dad.  Yeah, that'd be very helpful but the realm's locked."

Xander swam over.  "Have him send up some caffeine?" he suggested dryly.  He leaned closer to the phone.  "Hey, John.  I think I'll need some stuff from the warehouses I have of confiscated stuff.  No, not those.  The one on eighth that she probably didn't know I have.  Yeah, at those places.  Tara has the key to it.  I need my extended med pack because I've only got about a day left of painkillers for Dean.  Plus it appears we might need some weapons from there.  No, I know that but the nicer ones I have stored there.  Remind her to keep Spike out of it and Buffy too.  And have them send up some soda please?"

He grinned at the faint response.  "Thanks.  Let us know what Giles said about that demon too.  Sam should be able to find a way to get online, I think, but Giles doesn't use a computer.  Thank you."  He swam off, letting the boys have their dad for now while he thought.  He needed to do something with his body while his mind worked.  How could a whole realm not have anyone to defend it?  That made no sense.  Even peaceful people had problem neighbors.  Right?

Sam took the phone back, grinning at the complaining.  "I can get online I'm fairly certain from the royal library, Dad.  Yeah, that's what we need.  I can ask."  He got up and walked out, finding a guard looking around.  "If you guys want Xander to defend the realm he's going to need some stuff from his storage area.  And we need caffeine."  The guard nodded slowly.  "Can one of you sneak down to mine and Dean's father later on?  That way he can load you up on stuff we'll need?  Like the painkillers Xander has stored for Dean's leg?"

"It may be arranged."

"Can I get online in the library?"

"There's a data port in your sitting area, consort.  Have you not found it?"

"No, I hadn't.  Is it a data cable?"  He shrugged.  "Okay, I'll make sure.  Walk with me.  I'll be right back, Dean."

"Sure," he called.  He went back to his laps.  He had to avoid Xander but that was fine.

Sam walked the guard back to their suite, finding the cord.  "I need a cable to go from a modem to my laptop, Dad.  Data modem, yeah.  The large phone plug looking one.  Thanks.  At least two feet to the most comfortable chair.  Excellent.  Please do.  Thanks."  He hung up.  "How bad will it be?"

"Will the slayer pounce us?"

"No.  Dad'll make sure she won't."

"That's fine.  I'll go to him myself tonight."

"We don't have any realm defenders of any sort?"

He shrugged.  "They say the infusion takes out all unworthy thoughts that way and makes us more artistic."

Sam snorted.  "I've known chocolate to do a lot of things, including make people less homicidal, but not fully."

The guard shrugged.  "That's what they say.  Personally I'd think we could raise one fairly easily."

"Good.  Then we'll consider that as a valid option."  He smiled.  "If Buffy does fuss and nag, just shrug it off and say Xander hasn't had caffeine in days.  She'll back off and get you some extra."  The guard smirked at that, heading off to tell his superiors.  Sam went back to swim while watching Xander think and Dean relaxing.

***

John hung up.  "You didn't know he had others?" he asked Buffy since she was staring at him.  She had snuck in while he was calling and was now staring directly at him.

"No."

"He does.  Tara has the key to keep you and Spike out of it.  He needs some stuff and some caffeine.  Someone'll come down to get it later."

"Can I help?"

"Nope.  He said to keep you out of there."  He wrote down a name, handing it to Bobby.  "Sammy said to research them.  They're why they picked Xander.  They're threatening and they think that the chocolate spring took out all the bad urges."

"It does that to me but they always come back," Buffy said dryly.  "Anything really horrible?"

"Not so far but Xander said they didn't have many weapons.  Sammy needed a data cable for his laptop.  Then he can get online."  She looked happier at that.  "They apparently haven't had soda in days."

"That poor realm.  Xander's got to be growling at people."

"They're in the pool to help with Dean's PT, Buffy."

"Well, Xander nearly did go merman," she said, considering it.  "Maybe it's keeping him from growling too hard."

"How does he get into those sort of things?" John asked.

She shrugged.  "We don't know but it gets really annoying after a few times."  She stood up.  "Tara's in biology right now."

"I'll go pick her up."  He grabbed his truck keys and headed out, letting Bobby handle the research and Buffy spread news around to the rest of the group.  He found the right building - he had looked up the college's layout - and waited.  The shy blonde witch was streaming out with a few other students, head down.  He sighed.  He really should say something to her about kicking her parents' asses.  He got out and walked over, getting in her way.  She squeaked, backing up a step.  "You know I won't hurt you, Tara.  Xander said you had the keys to his area on eighth?"

She nodded, pushing her hair back behind her ear.  "I...I do.  Why?" she asked quietly, glancing around.

"He needs some stuff for Dean's leg and some of his gear."

She grimaced but nodded.  "Buffy?" she nearly whispered.

"I called the boys.  She's spreading information."  She nodded.  "Got them on you?  I've got the truck."  She blushed but shook her head.  "Want a ride to your dorm?"

"It's faster if I meet you back here," she said, hurrying off.

Yeah, he needed to kick whoever had done that to that girl.  Right after he got his boys free.  No one should be that scared of people, especially not him - unless they were evil.  She came walking back and he walked her to the truck, getting in with her and taking her to the warehouses she pointed at.  She waved at the guard, getting a smile and a wave back.  "He bring you here?"

"Of..often.  It's guarded."  She led him to the right pod and opened the door, making him gasp.  She smiled slightly.  "Buffy would want to play with them," she said quietly.

"I'm not so sure I don't want to.  He confiscated all these?"  She nodded quickly, looking around.  "Wow.   Um, he said he needed some practical things and his stored medicine kit."  She went to the right.  He closed the door once he found the light switch and figured out what would go best up there.  "They haven't had caffeine for days.  I need to get them some soda and coffee."

She looked at him.  "Are the others okay?  Xander growls."

He smirked.  "That's why Sammy and Xander asked, Tara."  She laughed, then covered her mouth.  "Tara, don't be scared of me unless you're an evil bitch.  I don't hurt good witches."  She sighed but nodded.  "If you want I'll go beat the ass of whoever turned you this shy."

She shook her head quickly. "No thanks."  She found the box she wanted, pulling it out.  "All his medicine or just the basics?"

"I'd send most of it.  He can always get more."  She pulled out another three boxes then came over to help him pick weapons.  She knew which ones Xander liked best.   "No guns?"

"Are they banned up there?"

"They said that the holy spring took away all violent tendencies."

She gave him a pointed look then pointed at the back.  "Wall case."  She went to find bullets for them while he got out the guns back there.  She even smiled at his whistle for the collection in the case.  "Trunk at the base too."  He got into it, choosing what would be good general purpose weapons useable by any of the three boys.  Plus Tara added a few swords and two battle axes, and one smaller hand axe, and a few other odds and ends he might need.  He came back to add to the pile by the door.  "How are they getting it up there?"

"One of the guards."

She considered it.  "We need to make a bottomless bag."  He gave her a surprised look.  She blushed.  "My momma liked to shop," she said weakly.

"I don't disagree with the application, I'm surprised you'd know how."

She smiled.  "It helps hide stuff," she said quietly.  John smirked at that, getting a slight grin back.  She got to work on one of the bigger boxes, letting the others go into it.  "He'll know how to get them out. We can do another for soda."

"That'll work," he decided.  He hefted it out to the truck.  It was heavier than it should be but it should be fine.  She got another empty box and put the spell on it, then they went to buy the poor guys some coffee and soda.  Before they bit someone up there.

***

The guard appeared beside John, looking around.  "The mouthy blonde one isn't here waiting to pounce?"

"No.  She's at the Bronze hunting.  Tara made it into two bottomless boxes."  The guard gave him an impressed look.  "One's full of stuff that Xander said he needed.  The other has things to save people from the boys' bad mood."  He pointed in the back of his truck.  "There you go."

"Thank you.  Did Dean add to it, sir?"

"That's in there too."

"Good.  Thank you for being so prompt."

"I understand why you took *my* sons to help the boy but I'd never wish an uncaffeinated Dean on anyone," he said dryly.

The guard chuckled.  "He did growl earlier."  He hefted the boxes, nodding.  "The spells are well done and solid.  Not Rosenburg?"  He shook his head.  "The other is a good witch.  We do appreciate her."  He left, taking them to put in front of his Lord and Master, then he disappeared to watch the other witch and hunter.  They were researching together.  Bobby spotted him and reached for a gun.  "Hold.  I guard the consorts."  He relaxed slightly.  He bowed to Tara.  "Have you found much on the problems?  I was heading back soon and was willing to bring information or books to them."

She nodded, pointing at the pile of papers.  "Tha...that's what we...we found so far," she stuttered.

He looked it over then nodded.  "Our library has more sources but not all in languages most humans are familiar with.  The Consort Samuel hasn't looked in there yet.  They've been helping the Consort Dean because his thigh cramped earlier tonight.  The healer was pleased, said it meant he was working himself hard enough."

Bobby stared at her then at him.  "Take me to them?"

"How fast can you be packed?"

"Within minutes."  He stood up.  "Please."

"I can do so.  It would help calm them down.  While you're a hunter, you're a researcher first."  He bowed to Tara.  "I can bring you as well."

"Willow would get pissed," she said quietly, not looking at him.

"Go pack, Tara.  If they're going to need magical support, it's best it comes from you," Bobby ordered.  She gave him a startled look.  "She's about to lose it, girl.  Go pack."  She nodded, hurrying to do that.   Apparently John met her outside, he heard his truck drive off again.  "C'mon.  We can pick her up in a few."  He nodded, following him with the books and the papers.   Bobby was packed pretty quickly and he called John once he was done.  "They're going to need research help.  I'm taking Tara with me in case they need magic support, Winchester.  I'm sure but there's a whole library and I'm better at that.  Good.  Make sure she packs for a few weeks.  Familiar?"  He shrugged, looking at the guard, who looked clueless.   "Should she leave her familiar with Rosenburg?"

"What form does it take?"

"Black and white cat."

"We're not allergic as a species."

"That's fine.  Yeah, John, it's fine.  She can come."  He hung up and finished up, coming over to grab something out of the back of his car.  It went with his other two bags, getting a nod of support for that.  "I know John sent some earlier."

"Possibly.  We don't have many weapons on our world.  They say the chocolate takes it out of us."

Bobby snorted.  "Not fully I'm sure.  We'll figure that out too."  John came back with Tara, who had two bags and a carrier.  "Food and litter?" he asked.  She pointed at one bag.  "Good girl.  Magic books?"

She nodded.  "All of ours," she assured him.

The guard took them to the portal so he could get Lord Xander some help and calmed down.  Clearly he needed it.  The coronation was going to be hard on him.

Coronation of the Chocolate Freak.

The guard took them and their things up there, dropping them in the royal suite.  The boys were clearly crashed and snoring.  She smiled at the guard.  "Thank you."

"You're welcome, miss."  He went to report to the higher ups who he had brought and why.

Bobby looked in on the boys, who were once again in the same bed.  He grimaced, walking in to poke Dean, who grunted and blinked up at him.  Then he grinned.  "You high?"

"Maybe," he said with a goofy, high sounding voice.

"Hmm.  You like cuddling up to your little brother?"

"He makes a nice pillow."

"Good enough then.  We'll talk in the morning."

"Mm, kay," he agreed, falling asleep again.

"Sipping directly from the spring can make one euphoric," the new guard walking in said.  "That has happened before."  He bowed.  "We have a room next door for you both.  Another suite."  Bobby nodded, helping Tara get their stuff over there so they could settle in for the night.  He hoped all this traveling was necessary since it was dangerous and slightly against regulations.

***

Xander blinked as a light weight settled on his stomach and kneaded him.  He focused on the small black and white head, then grinned.  "Miss Kitty, I knew cats were magical, but how did you get all the way up here?"  He reached up to pet her, earning a purr.  "Nice kitty."  He sat up, giving her a short hug before she got free and went to walk over Dean's head and then Sam's stomach before hopping over to get onto their window ledge so she could see outside.

"What was that?" Sam mumbled.

"Tara's familiar."

"Bobby's up," Dean mumbled, flipping onto his side.

"Huh," Xander said, going to look at the boxes they hadn't unpacked last night.  "Yes!  Goddess caffeine to the rescue!"  He opened a soda to gulp while heading for the bathroom.  He was sure if Bobby and Miss Kitty were up here, one of the witches was.

Sam blinked at the cat, who looked back at him.  "Who're you?"

"Tara's cat," Dean muttered.

"How did a familiar get up here?"

"Go have caffeine," Dean complained, giving him a shove with a foot.  "Make the brain work, Sammy."

"Sam, not Sammy," he complained, getting up to dig into the same box.  A few sodas later and he felt more human too.  The cat came over to nuzzle against his leg, making him lean down to pet her.  "Good morning to you too, Miss Kitty.  Thank you for the wakeup call."  She let him scratch her ears before she left them alone.  He finished his soda.  "Dean, want first or second shower?"

"First," he moaned.  "Someone drooled on me."  He climbed out of bed carefully, stumbling that way.  He was going to try to not use his crutches today.  Sam helped him into the bathroom once they heard Xander get out of the shower.  They didn't care if he was drying off in front of the mirror.  "It was uncool whichever one of you drooled."  He climbed in and shut the glass door so he could have some privacy.

Xander shrugged.  "I didn't think I did.  Sorry, Dean."  Dean just grunted.  "Need help?"

"I'm good.  Go away."

"Going."  He grabbed his robe and headed out to his closet area to find clothes for the day.  Yesterday's were already in there and cleaned up.  That was something he could get used to.  He hated doing laundry.  "They even got the goo stain out of my black shirt," he said in awe.

"Better than I could manage," Sam joked on his way to their closet.  He laid out something for himself and Dean, then went to take his turn once Dean got out.

Xander watched Dean limp slowly that way, coming out to help him.  "If you need them, it's not going to hurt to use them for a few more days, Dean.  It's not an overnight thing."

"Had a broken leg?" he joked weakly.

"Arm.  Forearm."  Dean grimaced.  "Not that fun, no.   Even though I didn't need the PT you're doing, it's still slow to fully heal all the damage."  He gave him a look.  "Unless there's an immediate battle, we're cool with you building back up.  You can be stubborn but if you set back your healing you know he'll nag."

"I know.  I'm trying hard not to."

"So use a cane or just one crutch as an in-between step," he suggested, going back to his own dressing.  He came out and found Tara and Bobby waiting with breakfast.  "My people."  He kissed Tara on the cheek.  "Thanks for the kitty wake up call."

"She snuck over."

"She can sneak over all she wants, Tara.  You know I like Miss Kitty.  Just you two?" he asked.  She nodded.  "Okay.  Sam's in the bathroom.  Dean's in their closet of spoiling doom.  Dean, some older guy and Tara are here."  He came out with one crutch, hugging Bobby hard.  "Awww."

"Quit, bitch," Dean said, giving him a dirty look.  Tara just smirked.  "At least they brought me someone pretty to stare at."  She blushed bright red and swatted at him.  "Hey, gotta try."  He gave her a gentler hug.  "Sammy, get your butt out here.  Bobby and Tara are in.  Breakfast is here too."  He shooed the cat out of his seat and sat down, putting his leg up.  "It's going," he said at Bobby's pointed look.

"Good.  'Bout time, Dean."

Dean just smirked back.  "I'm stubborn but that aches like fuck, Bobby.  Oh, Xander, this is Bobby Singer.  He's one of the hunters who taught Dad and us what we're doing."

"Hey," Xander said with a wave from behind his toast.  "The box without the sodas has stuff, Dean."

"I'm going to try to cut down today."

"Dean, I have lesser painkillers if they packed them."   Tara nodded.  "All of it?"  She nodded more quickly.  "Excellent."

"Weapons too," she assured him.  "John chose them."

"Even better," Dean agreed.  "Not like I don't trust your taste, Tara, but he's the one who taught me weapons."  He went to look through that box.  "How did we do this?  I need to do this in the trunk."

"My mother taught me," she said, looking over at him.  So that's what the guard's spell had done, made her quit stuttering.  She'd have to get him later before thanking him.  "The other has soda, twinkies, coffee grounds and instant crystals, and some sugar packets."  Dean got up to hug her then went back to poking through the boxes.

"Unpack the weapons after breakfast, Dean."

"The medical supplies should be in boxes," Xander said, looking back there.  "Those, yeah."

Dean dug into one, finding the bandage supply.  He looked over at Xander.  "Are we expecting a total apocalypse of injuries?"

"They happen," Xander said bluntly, staring back.  "After graduation, we needed a lot more than we had.  If we need them, we'll have them."

"Good point.  Didn't mean to rag, dude."  He got into the other boxes, finding one of bullets.  The next one had painkillers and other drugs.  Antibiotics.  Anti-virals.  Heart medicine, with nitroglycerin too.  Blood pressure medicine.  A few others he wasn't sure of the cause behind.  He looked in the third one then went back to the second box, digging out something less narcotic than had been in his leg yesterday but still good enough to kill the pain.  "How did you gather those?"

Xander shrugged.  "It's not that hard in Sunnydale.  We're not the only one who has an apocalypse vault in town, Dean."  He grinned.  "Some are odd choices but I figured we might need them sometime."  Tara nodded.  "And have in the past."  He dug in, eating again.  Dean took a pill and relaxed, digging into his own breakfast.  "After breakfast, we'll go over weapons while Sam takes them on the tour?"  Sam nodded since his mouth was full.  He looked at Bobby.  "Are you like their version of a watcher?"

"Nearly," he agreed.  "Been looking over your team's stats from the past."  Xander blushed and looked away.  "That town would drive our kind nuts."

"It drives me nuts and I was born there," Xander told him.  "Then you get used to the nuts and start thinking about psychiatric medicine.  Especially when you have a kid's imaginary friend become really a demon last month."

"That wasn't mentioned," Dean said, looking at Sam.

"We caught it on patrol but didn't tell Buffy or Willow, or Giles," Sam admitted.  "We figured it was just like that as a species and it was dead once the kid was unconscious.  Then Xander brought him home, told his parents that he had snuck out and been knocked out by some tough older kids we ran off.  They yelled and screamed at their son but they were hugging him."

"Some day Georgie is going to be the next me," Xander said dryly.  "Or maybe the next Jesse.  I'm not sure which yet."  He ate one last bite then went to dig through the boxes.  They could stock supplies in a corner.  He even put a cute sign that said 'touch these and I'll prove that the hyena taught me to bite' in front of the soda.  Just in case someone wanted to move it on them.  Then he and Dean got into the weapons.  They made sure they were all ready to use.  Which they were because Xander treated his weapons good.  The medicines got put into Dean's dressing area for now.  They knew he'd handle his own thing and would only complain if they fussed.  They only had to stop to keep rescuing Miss Kitty from the bottomless boxes.  She liked boxes.  Tara finally sighed and came over to get her, making sure they were empty and ending the spell on them.  Her cat hopped off to play in them anyway.  She still liked boxes.  Xander put in a little ball of paper for her to bat around, making him a kitty friend again.

"You'll spoil her, Xander," she chided.

He shrugged.  "So?"

She rolled her eyes but helped Dean up, then walked off with Sam and Bobby to look around and see where she could help.

The guard following Sam around gave her an odd look when she stopped to sniff some plants.  "Those don't usually draw humans."

She looked back but Sam answered for her.  "She's a nature witch.  She's probably never seen those before, dude.  Relax.  They won't hurt you guys or try to break us out of here."

"I didn't think they would, Consort Samuel.  I just thought it odd since most humans found those flowers stinky."

"Even stinky flowers have their place in nature," Tara said quietly.

He smiled.  "You have sense.  The new Lord will need some of that."  He opened the library door for them since it was clear they were headed that way.  The older human with them moaned in pleasure.  Samuel did too.

"Is there a cataloging system?" Bobby asked.  The guard pointed at the librarian.  He went to get her to see what they had on that demon menace while Tara went to look at magic books and Sam went to browse around.  Xander could help Dean with his working out today.  Or he might just play with Tara's cat all day if he was feeling bored and lazy.  Who knew when it came to Xander's moods sometimes.

***

Xander looked over the information after dinner, pointing at something.  "They're allergic to sugar?"

"To them it's like a drug," Bobby said.  "So they probably want into the sacred spring or to destroy it.  They crave it but it'll kill 'em if they have it."

"Like many diabetics," Sam quipped.

Tara nodded she knew ones like that too.  "What do we do?" she asked Xander.  He planned for them.

"We can't assume they'll only have their own kind if they do come as an assault or invading force," he said, considering it.  "We have enough weapons for us to hold off a small force but not a larger one.  There's none locally that count as a military or anything."

"Ah, one flaw," Sam said, holding up something.  "Prison records.  Two percent of all crimes are violent offenses."  He put that down.

"So maybe we can do a 'go military or stay in jail' thing?" Xander suggested.

"That could work but we'd need leaders," Dean pointed out.

Xander pointed at the guards.  "The obvious choice since they are trained to be a unit and are trained to use violence to protect their Lord and Master if necessary."  The guard stared at him in horror.  "Not you specifically but I'm sure you guys have trainers?"  He nodded slowly.  "Same process to make a military unit."  He looked at Dean again.  "We can ask them to suggest for a few squad leaders."

"That's not a bad plan," Dean agreed.  He looked over the map of the realm Sam had found for him.  "Which way would they be coming in?"  Sam looked then pointed.  "Their homeland?"

"They're two realms on the other side so that was the most likely place.  They've tried to invade once before, way back before Wozaataran took his office.  Back before they were more than a cohesive and cooperative group of tribes.  They came that way then.  The only other place they could move a large force in would be here," he said with a point.  "There's a larger set of portals there.  The ones here in the palace can only move a few at a time."

"I think having them here and open would be a security breach waiting to happen," Dean said, looking at the guard.  "Are they usually just open?"

"We usually have guards standing there in case someone unruly comes through," he admitted quietly.  His bosses were going to be amused at this talk.  "For the coronation we're going to be moving them outside for security reasons."

"Good," Xander agreed.  "If I'm staying they're staying out there."  He looked over.  "It'd be safer if we had some sort of greeting center anyway.  That way diplomats would feel encouraged and happy when someone kissed their asses as soon as they showed up and I wouldn't have to deal with people just walking in with problems.  You could even put it next to an immigration facility for those who're just visiting and need visas and things."

"The credit card?"

"No, the entry papers," Xander corrected.  The guard shivered.  "That way we're sure that people who need to be here are here for a good reason.  I'm not against open borders but I'd like to have some more knowledge when bad people come through.  That'd give you guys a more steady point to defend if they come through."

"That's not a bad idea," he admitted.  "I'll bring that to my superiors."

"It'd also mean that diplomats could be well rested when they came to bother him," Sam offered.  "Send a messenger ahead with anything they want to talk about, then go rest while we get a chance to check them over and what they wanted over."

"Not a bad proposal," the guard agreed.  "Plus it would make us seem more friendly and easier to deal with."   He smirked at Xander.  "You said you couldn't lead people."

"I can't, but I can spot a security flaw."  He gave him a dry look.  "Higher ups often have more education and skills to do stranger things, like magic, because they have the free time to study."

"That's not a bad point.  I'll mention that.  We do have some bored pages and things hanging around the court."

"Plus it'd give a good entry level position for those who want to work their way up the ladder to being trusted in the government," Bobby agreed.  "In ours, you start as an intern or a page then move your way up to local politics, then state or regional, then national."

The guard smiled.  "Which does make sense.  You wouldn't want a leader who had no notion of what people needed."

"Ours don't always, they're usually the rich sort," Xander told him, getting a laugh and a nod.  "Any other major security precautions about the coronation we need to know?"

"We'll tell you that night so your friends cannot interrupt, sire."  He left to tell his bosses about their proposals.  It was interesting and would create some new jobs, which the town could probably use anyway.  Even if his bosses would shudder in horror about being chosen to lead a unit of criminals against their enemies if they showed up.

Xander looked at Bobby.  "What are they planning?"

"Still looking at major ideas," he admitted.

"Hmm."  He looked at the map of the realm again, pointing.  "Isn't that ...  Angel's crew has someone from that realm."

Tara nodded.  "Cordelia said something about Lorne being from Pylea.  He sounds sweet."

"Maybe that's an option," Xander said.  He looked at Dean.  "Do you do better with mass security or battle planning?"

"I can do either but I'm going to concentrate on our security while you plan that battle with my help."

"That'll work," Xander agreed with a slight grin.  "I've only had to do it a few times.  We're too loose usually to need a full out plan."   He looked at the information.  "How do we get them if they're only allergic to marshmallows?  I don't have a marshmallow shooter."

"There's probably not a way we can add it to the payload of a grenade or shoot it," Dean agreed.  "Let me think on that, Xander.  I've got a good hand at making whatever we need on a hunt."

Xander relaxed.  "Thanks, Dean."

"Not a problem.  They picked us to support you so we will until you screw up too badly."

Xander snorted.  "That'll be any day now I'm sure."  He leaned back, letting the cat hop into his lap.  "You're very comforting, Miss Kitty."  She let him pet her.  "Thanks, Tara."

"She wanted to come, Xander.  She knows you spoil her rotten."

"She's my first friend's pet.  Not like I could play with Willow's fish."  He went back to petting her.  "What about the possibility of sending an emissary to them to talk them out of stupidity?" he suggested finally.  "The US tries diplomacy first."  Sam gave him a look.  "Like I have any idea how this stuff works.  I got a D in civics and history."

Sam shrugged.  "I wouldn't say it'd be a problem but I don't think you should do more than encourage them to show up and talk to us.  Going there would seem like we're scared maybe."

Dean nodded.  "We want to appear strong so they don't try shit.  Have them come to us.  Send a letter saying that we'd welcome talking to them after the coronation.  That we heard there were problems and they wanted to see if it was something that could be stresslessly ended or something."

"You have a council to help you make those decisions," Tara pointed out gently.

He nodded.  "I do.  They've been doing this a long time.  I'll give them that suggestion the next time I run into one of them.  Plus I should learn if there's other problems like this one.  I can kinda understand not wanting to have people watching him and not wanting the stress anymore but the listed the threat in that letter as one thing he couldn't handle.  Since he's the one who united the peoples, I'd think he knew how to handle simple things like this."

Sam shrugged, getting more comfortable and relaxed as well.  "Maybe he was tired of having to deal with it and one more thing was too much.  The history book didn't state anything about the current socio-political situation."  Xander nodded that was true.  Dean gave him an odd look.  "History was still mandatory at Stanford, Dean."

"Uh-huh."  He shifted and the cat leapt over to knead his leg.  "Thanks, Miss Kitty.  I needed the kitty'sage."  Tara grinned.  "She's a good familiar, Tara."  She nodded that she was.  Dean yawned.  "I want to know who keeps moving me from the couch I go to sleep on."

"No clue," Xander admitted with a yawn of his own.  "Stop that.  Those are contagious."

Sam grinned.  "I went to sleep on the foot of the bed and ended up being Dean's pillow most of the night.  I have no idea if it's the guards thinking we'll be more comfortable together or not."

"When we got in last night, Dean was goofy and high sounding," Bobby told them.  "Could've been that."

Dean snapped his fingers.  "That last minute cocoa that was really chocolatey."

"Probably directly from the spring then," Bobby said.  "The guard said euphoria could happen now and then."  He gave them a pointed look.  "I still didn't want to see you two cuddling."

"Why?  Were we as cute as we were when Sammy was two or so?" Dean quipped back with a grin.

"Which is probably what's freaking him out," Xander pointed out dryly.  "You two are still brothers and I doubt he wants you two to be *that* close."  Sam blushed and shook his head.

Dean grimaced.  "No, Dad would bitch us out.  He did when I was bringing Sammy out with me on dates.  He thought I was dating Sammy for some reason.  Went off for nearly a week about that stuff until I laughed and said if I wanted to date, I was old enough to date, and since it's not like he was watching Sammy someone had to.  Besides all the girls cooed over me being such a great big brother so I got pieces of ass more often."

Sam swatted him.  "Don't say things like that in front of Tara!"

Dean looked at her.  "You know I got laid all the time before, right?"

She blushed and shrugged.  "Not my thing.  You're not my witch," she said quietly.

Xander looked at Dean.  "Twins?"  He gave him a smug look.  "I had quads during my roadtrip.  I thought they were twins."  Dean's mouth fell open.  "Don't embarrass her.  Willow will show up and turn you into a furry thing."  He looked at Tara, who was now brighter red.  "You know she would."

She nodded.  "She's getting help, Xander."

"That's good.  I can encourage that.  Because she went scary."  Tara nodded, swallowing some.  Xander stared at her.  She looked away.  He got up and walked her off.  "Let's talk about the dorm stuff, sweetie."  He locked them in the bathroom so he could ask her what she had done this time.  Willow had been having some temper problems recently and had begun to take them out on Tara before they had been kidnaped.  Tara hesitated but gave him what he wanted to know.  Which meant Xander had to come out and get his phone so he could call Joyce.  Clearly Willow needed a mother's hand on the paddle this time.

Bobby watched him stomp back into the bathroom but he looked really calm.  "Knew she was going to break soon," he sighed, looking at the boys.  "I talked with the girl last night.  Willow's not overtaken by some spirit, though there's signs she was when she was younger.  Probably during that soul restoration spell like you boys thought," he said quietly.  "But now she's full blown magic addicted."  Sam grimaced but nodded.  "I've talked to some I know and they're going to start with her as soon as the semester's up.  One's starting to write to her now so she's got some base level support before we yank her to Oklahoma."

"What about Tara?" Dean asked.

"Might do her good to be around some stronger, sensible women with the same skills," Bobby pointed out.  "Could do her a lot of good in the confidence department."

Dean nodded.  "Dad go off on her parents or whoever made her like that yet?"

"He asked if she'd mind and she said Buffy had run them off once."  Xander came back out with Tara under his arm.  "We good?"

"Last night Willow's temper came out," Xander said.  "Joyce is talking to her tonight about her temper."

"Ah."  Bobby pulled Tara down for a short hug.  "We'll help all we can, Tara girl.  There's some very nice witches in Oklahoma who're looking forward to helping her straighten out and are expecting you two to be together.  They'll treat you like a good daughter since you're not doing bad things."

"I..."  She sighed, sitting in her chair.  "I was nagging."

"I nagged, you nagged, Buffy nagged," Xander said dryly.  "She didn't magic Buffy.  She's magiced both of us to fit into her worldview better," he finished bluntly.  "That's wrong, Tara, and since you're her girlfriend that's magical girlfriend abuse.  If she does it again, you let me know and it won't be Joyce's hand she'll have to worry about paddling her.  I've reached my point of I'll be damned."  She stared at him in horror.  He stared back.  "I took it for years," he said quietly.  "I won't take it from her.  I won't let her start to hurt others.  Buffy won't stop her.  She can't.  She's got that blind spot."  Tara nodded at that wisdom.  He gave her a hug.  "The same as if one of us got turned, it's not like Buffy could stop us."

She nodded.  "I know."  She smiled weakly.  "Thank you for making Joyce go talk to her, Xander."

"Joyce might as well be all our mom's.  Of course she'll go work on Willow.  Because I'm sure if she doesn't, their dad will if he catches her."  Tara shuddered at that.

Bobby nodded.  "Witches who do things like that are considered rogues and often take down," he agreed calmly.  "Which is why we want her to get help.  Maybe they'll send her early.  John knows who I called."

"Can we send her Missouri's way first?" Dean suggested.

"That's almost mean.  Missouri would lecture her until she ran out of voice," Sam said.

Tara cracked a grin.  "She might need it.  Her mother's never there."

Xander snorted.  "Neither of her parents are ever there, Tara.  I've seen my parents sober more often than I've seen her parents around her house."  He sat down again.  "Anyway.  Buffy's at the Bronze.  John's on patrol tonight because he's frustrated.  Joyce went to find Willow and have a nice long mother/daughter talk with her."  Then he smirked at the boys who knew *exactly* what sort of talk that would be even if Tara didn't.   Bobby was trying hard not to cackle but it might do the girl good to realize there were others watching over her now.  "We should rest before they come in with the cocoa again."  They nodded and went back to their rooms.  Xander got into pajama bottoms and climbed onto the couch.  "Dean, take the bed so your thigh has room to be cushioned.  Sammy, have it or the chaise or whatever."  That got a nod and they headed off for the night.  Xander laid there and thought but that was normal.  He was under pressure and he really wasn't sure he could handle it.  He knew he'd screw up somehow.

***

Joyce found Willow out with John and smiled.  "I need to talk to my adopted daughter, Mr. Winchester.  Do you need her at the moment?"

He looked at her then at Willow.  "No, sometimes you've got to have a mother's touch," he admitted.  "I know who Bobby talked to if there's a problem with her magic."

"Possibly.  I'll return her in a few minutes."  She walked her off by her arm, taking her to a nearby crypt.  It was open and empty.  She closed the door then laid into Willow loud enough she was sure Winchester could hear up the cemetery but oh well!  The girl deserved it this time.  How dare she hurt Tara!

John shivered.  "Mary was a woman like her," he muttered.  "I can only imagine how loud she would've yelled at Dean about being a slut."  He went back to waiting on the vamps to rise while Willow got her butt chewed out.  From what he heard of the yelling, she clearly deserved it this time.  Willow came storming out crying.  He waited on Joyce, who took a minute to calm down.  "Should I make arrangements to get her to Oklahoma?"

"Possibly.  Why is she going there?"

"Her magic has turned into an addiction."

"Ah.  That overuse stuff."  She considered it.  "Last night she lost her temper on Tara after hearing that.  She took denial to a whole new level."

"Magiced her or just yelled?" he asked calmly.  "Because if it's the first, she's fully rogue and I should take her out instead of send her off."

Joyce shrugged.  "Tara said yelled."

"I'll send her off in the morning if I can."

"I'll make arrangements.  Even a few weeks now could help her.  Then she can come back for the problem with the boys and head off again."  She went to find the girl and tell her she was going.

John called the witches Bobby had called.  "It's Winchester.  That witch Bobby called you about?  She lost her temper on her girlfriend last night.  Tara only said it was yelling so far.  I wouldn't put it past the girl though.  Tomorrow.  I'll call with info on how she'll get there.  No, we've got about two weeks before we're going to have a problem.  Thanks, Melody.  Tell your mom I miss her meatloaf."  He hung up and went to find the local greyhound station.  Buses were fast enough these days.  Willow was walked in by Joyce when he called to give her the ticket information.  The bus would be leaving soon.  It was straight from here to Vegas, then she'd change there and go to Oklahoma via St. Louis.  He kindly slipped Willow something to keep her calm then stuck her on the bus.  "She's panicking," he told the driver.  "Going to see some aunts for the first time in years."  That got a knowing nod.  Apparently some parents did this now and then to keep their kids safe around here.  He escorted Joyce back home then went to find Buffy to warn her.  He found her in the Magic Box so he walked in with a sigh.  "Willow's on a bus."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because last night she went off on Tara."  Buffy winced.  "With her magic addiction fully blown now, she's going to the witches Bobby knows to get some help.  They know we'll need her back in a few weeks so they'll work on her until we need her."

Giles sighed.  "I had hoped it was a simple possession or something."

"After stealing books?" he asked.  Giles flinched at that.  "Buffy, can you clean out her magic book stash?"

"I'm fairly sure Tara took them all but I can check her parents' house and things.  Her usual hiding places."  He nodded once at that.  "My mom?"

"They called your mom to talk to her first.  Joyce agreed she should head for a few weeks."

"It's probably not the vacation she wants but apparently she needs it," Buffy decided.  "How was patrol?  I got a lot of vamps at the club tonight."

"Three raising, got another two out wandering around snacking."

She nodded.  "Good.  The less there are now the less there'll hopefully be during finals."  She looked at Giles.  "Let me go find your books.  Do you know which ones you're missing?"

"Not yet.  I'll do an inventory tonight."  He looked at John once Buffy had left them alone.  "Was it necessary?"

"Two weeks ago she admitted she tried to keep herself from magicing her girlfriend into giving in to her want of the moment," he said bluntly.  Giles slumped, nodding at that.  "She's had accidental magic leaks.  She ended up sobbing last night because she realized all those accidents were really her fault.  Yeah, she needed a good swift kick sooner.  That's why most covens have mentoring systems for the really strong ones.  Unfortunately you guys can't do that here because of all the screwed up power drawing the darker stuff out."

Giles smiled.  "That's why I don't practice as much anymore."

John stared at him.  "I'm hoping you don't practice at all like you used to back when you were in your twenties."  Giles had the grace to blush when he shook his head.  "Good!"  He smirked.  "I'll get a list from Tara about which books she has up there if you need it."

"Please."  He went to start his inventory.  That girl had gone too far if she had other hunters dealing with her for them.  Though it was nice he didn't have to yell this time.  John drove Buffy back since she had a whole stack of books, making him moan.  Especially when she carried in the obviously heavy invisible stack.

***

Willow woke up, looking around the bus station.  She was....somewhere.  She wasn't sure where.  She had tickets in her hand.  She looked at it, then sighed, going to find out when the bus was coming.  She had obviously screwed up a lot if she was in St. Louis and didn't realize how she had gotten here.  Or maybe she had been drugged.  Winchester was said to be a 'do what's necessary by the hardest route possible' sort.  She got herself something to drink and eat out of the machines and boarded her bus, heading to rural Oklahoma.  It was pretty country, she'd never even seen tv specials about it before, but it was pretty country.

She just hoped those witches were nicer than Joyce had been.  She didn't deserve the yelling.

***

Tara finished her emails then looked at Sam.  "Thank you."

"Welcome.  How's Willow?"

"On a bus."  She straightened up.  "Buffy found over sixty spell books."

"Did they look in Anya's closet too?  She's been storing a few boxes for Willow recently for ten bucks a month in the bottom of our closets," Xander said from his spot reading a research book.

Tara wrote that email back to John.  She got one back and nodded at him.  "That's where the last few were."

"Good to know.  How many did she steal?" Sam asked.

"Fifty or so."

Xander shuddered.  "And knowing Giles' past forays into the land of magical stupidity, I'm sure some of them were dark magic."  Tara nodded quickly.  "Well, maybe they'll figure out how to uncharm Amy at least."  He shifted and went back to reading.  "Because I'm not sure why she's not working so hard on it anymore."

"I don't know either."  She gave him a hug.  "Relax.  Joyce handled it."

He looked at her.  "I know.  Still sucks."  She nodded.  He gave her a real hug.  "Thanks, Tara."

"We'll help her get right together, Xander."  She sat down with one of the research books to look through, blushing and putting it down to pick up another one.

Dean took that one to put into his pile.  It was clearly something naughty.  The front picture was enough to make him interested.  "How many pictures are there of naked women dancing around a fire?" he asked.  "That's like seven now."

Xander looked at him.  "The Church was consumed with the image of women having power over their sex according to Willow.  So they demonized it by creating all the witch trials and things."  He went back to his reading.  "Yes, her parents were shrinks.  You should've heard her go off on Thanksgiving the year I got hit by the former natives."

Tara snickered.  "That was cute."

Xander looked at her.   "Not from my end it wasn't."

She gave him a pat on the arm.  "You got better."

"Yeah but they can still find it in my blood," he countered.  She and Sam both gaped.  He nodded.  "I wondered so I asked.  Angel was alive during the last bout of plague.  He said he tasted the same thing in mine that he did in the one victim he ate back then."  He went back to his research.  He finally put the book down.  "Anyone else bored shitless and need a break?"  Dean nodded.  "Good.  I'm hitting the pool.  Wanna, Dean?"

"Sure."  He went with him.  Tara changed into a modest bathing suit that looked like the unitards dancers wore and speed swimmers wore at races.  Of course she had on a fluffy robe with matching slippers until she climbed in with them.  Xander was working off his frustration.  Dean was relaxing.  Tara was relaxing.  It was good for them.  Even if Xander looked like he was angry doing laps.  He nodded at him for her benefit, asking the silent question.  She shook her head.  So they'd let him work it out of his system for a while.

Sam and Bobby shared a smirk.  They could play later.  Right now they were doing research and it was something they liked to do.  Even if Sam had taken all the books with the dirty pictures out of Dean's pile to put away again.

***

The guard sneaking into the main suite looked down at the fierce hiss.  The witch's cat was staring up at him, looking pissed.  "I'm not going to wake them, cat."

Xander sat up from his spot on the couch, staring at him.  "Tara's cat is a very good familiar," he said quietly.  "She's very good at spotting people who shouldn't be near her mommy or those she favors."  The guard backed up, looking scared.  "I don't know why she spotted you....."  He turned and ran.  "Wrong answer."  He followed, catching him before he made the portal room.  He shoved him against a wall, staring at him.  "So, why was the familiar hissing at you?"  Another guard came running.  "Tara's familiar wouldn't let him into the suite.  She woke me up hissing at him."

The guard stared at the other one then at him.  "I have no idea who he is, Sire."

Xander stared at him.  Then he smirked.  "Any of the natural guards here know I don't answer to that name."  That one nearly sat on the floor.  "GUARDS!" he shouted.  A few more came running.  "This one was stopped by Tara's familiar.  The other one doesn't know me very well.  He tried to call me sire," he told one he knew was a guard.

That one smirked.  "I have no idea who either of them are, Lord Xander.  May we?"

"Are you going to make them talk?" he asked.

The guard looked horrified.  "We're still mostly peaceful, Lord Xander."

Xander sighed, walking both men into a room by their arms.  He came out with them sobbing a few minutes later.   "This one's been a spy for about six months.  He was one of the bored pages but tried to get nosy into what we were researching.  The one the cat hissed at is from our beloved enemies.  Lock them up."  He handed them over and took some paper and a pen to write down what he knew.  He looked back at Sam.  "Miss Kitty get you up too?"

"The slamming door when you left did.  What happened?"

"Miss Kitty guarded us by hissing at the not-a-guard."  He pointed at that one.  "She's a good judge of character."  He finished writing it down, letting Sam see it.  He smirked and went to tell Dean.  He handed it to the guard he knew.  "That's what they said when they begged for their lives and souls."  He walked off again, yawning some.  "Any others I get to play with?  I did learn a lot from Spike."

"If so, we'll let you know," the guard said, then burst out laughing once he was gone.  "He has the most odd helpers," he said at the higher guards giving him dirty looks.  "A cat, a vampire who can't hunt, a slayer."  He let his bosses have the paper.  Thing will definitely not be boring with him in charge.

The higher ups took the fake guards to put them in a cell so the Council could figure out what to do about them.  They were even nice enough to send a healer down to check them over in case their new liege was too rough on them.  Then the guards got together to talk about his violent tendencies.  Maybe some more infusions from the holy spring?  Or a quiet word to his consorts might soothe him more?

***

Sam walked into Tara's room the next morning with her cat, petting her gently.  "Tara?"  She flinched awake.  "Sorry.  Miss Kitty just had a hairball on Dean's stomach.  Did you have medicine for her?"

"On the dresser," she said, staring at her smug looking cat.  "Was she a butt last night?"

"She was very helpful.  She caught a spy coming into our room."  Tara went pale.  He nodded.  "Dean'll be going over security for us later today."  He got the hairball medicine out onto his finger, offering it to her.  "She won't lick it?"

"She hates the taste.  Put it somewhere she'll lick it off her fur."  She got up and grabbed her robe, coming over to hug her cat around Sam.  "You're a good girl, Miss Kitty.  Thank you for protecting your favorite spoiler."  Sam wiped the stuff into her fur, getting a huff.  "If you'd lick it like other cats, you wouldn't have that problem."

He grinned.  "We've got breakfast when you're dressed."  He walked her off, letting her down so she could go lick herself in peace.  "Tara's on her way over."  He sat down, looking at Dean since he was hobbling to his closet.  "Dean, use the crutch when you're tired," he complained.  "You can drop it the other times to seem more macho."

"Shut up, Sammy.  I'm fine.  I'll go back to it later when I'm feeling less fine."

"Fine."  He looked at Xander, who gave him a curious look while he chewed on some toast.  "What's up for today?"

Xander pointed at the books as he swallowed.  "We've got to figure out if that one was representative of their people or not."  Bobby gave him an odd look.  "Miss Kitty caught one and I caught another one."

"Hell," he muttered.  "So we'll figure it out later."

"I told Tara Dean's going to go over the group's security today," Sam told him.

"That'll work for me," Dean agreed as he came out tucking in his undershirt then pulling on a t-shirt.  "She okay?"

"I left her to shower and dress."

Xander looked around then at him.  "We have two extra rooms in here we apparently don't ever use."  Sam gave him an odd look so he went to open the doors, finding bedrooms.  They smirked and checked, then nodded.  Tara's stuff got carted over by Bobby while she quickly dressed.  He brought his own stuff over.  Tara and her cat's litterbox came last.  "Better and more safe, Tara."  He gave her a kiss on the cheek.  "How was Anya?  I just realized I haven't heard her complaining in weeks."

"Pouting."  She sat down, looking at him.  "Are you sure?  I snore."

Xander shrugged.  "So do I, Tara.  Oh well."  She smiled sweetly.  "It's safer.  I'd hate to have to kill everyone if they hurt you.  Remember, I taught Willow what scary was."  She swatted him but poured herself some tea.

Bobby smirked at the cat, slipping her some sausage.  That made her happy again.  "She was good last night."

"I heard.  She's been a good judge of character," Tara agreed.  Xander nodded, his mouth full again.  "What's up for today beyond the research?"

"I'm going to see if the Council is meeting today to see what we're doing with those two from last night.  Plus go over the other ideas like sending them a 'we'd like to talk to you about your delusions' letter."  He finished up and wiped his mouth off, walking out gulping his next soda.

Dean shook his head.  "I've got an hour of PT.  You guys can come research with me if you want.  Or stay in here and research."

Bobby and Sam shared a look.  "Take Tara with you," Sam ordered.  "Then hit the library for more sources, Dean."  That got a nod.  "Tara, if someone upsets you, tell us and we'll thump them for you."

"I'm not helpless, Sam."

"No, but you're too nice and polite to kick ass like Sammy, Bobby, and I do," Dean assured her.  She patted him on the wrist and handed him another piece of toast.  "Thanks.  You're going to be a great mom some year," he joked.

She shook her head.  "I don't like icky boys."

He smirked.  "Some of us aren't icky, Tara.  Some of us shower regularly."

She pinched him.  "Still icky, Dean.  Boys aren't my thing."

"That's why they make turkey basters and gay male friends," Sam teased.

She blushed, shaking her head.  "Willow would be a scary, overprotective mom and I'd screw up somehow."

"Probably not," Bobby told her.  "Besides, all parents do at least one wrong thing sometime.  You just gotta learn how to manage it and then do better next time.  Even Winchester managed to screw up a few times.  Once he was so tired after a hunt he put Sammy's diaper on his head.  Left him totally dirty butted and wandering around with it on his head."

Dean snickered.  "Sammy came to wake me up so I'd clean his butt for him.  He was only about a year old and we were at Bobby's house."  Sam was bright red now.  "He walked into the room we were sharing and poked me until I looked at him then pouted and said butt over and over until I got the point and looked.  Then the next morning I gave Dad the potty training book Bobby had found him.  Dad was about Sammy's shade of red that morning."

"He deserved it," Bobby assured her.  "At least Sammy decided not to wipe his butt on the walls.  He knew Dean would take care of him even back then."

"I was gentler than Dad was.  Never, ever let Dad give you a washcloth bath when you're sick or you'll be rubbed raw," Dean told her.  She shook her head quickly.  "Seriously.  Got chicken pox at ten.  Really high fever.  Dad's wipe downs were almost worse than the itching."

"I'm sure there were plenty of kiddy Dean stories we could tell," Sam countered, glaring at his smug big brother.  Who only grinned back.  "Bobby?"

"I met him after he was potty trained, but yeah, he had a few good ones.  First time he drank, Tara.  Boy was only five and a half I think.  Snuck into the bottle under my sink thinking it was creme soda as he told us. Found him guzzling it on the back porch.  Boy then rolled over and puked on his daddy's shoes, got up and went to whizz off the back porch by climbing up the railing to sit on top of it, and then passed out when John tried to get him off the railing.  Peeing all over John at the same time."  She shook her head but she was grinning.  "John had one hell of a fit that night."

"And the next day," Dean agreed.  "I learned why hangovers were bad *long* ago.  Dad complained that my puking was worse than hellhound blood and being peed on by someone my age was as bad as the demon who did it to him was."  She giggled.  "So I kindly pointed out that next time someone should lock cabinets and puked on him again."  Bobby snickered, nodding and looking smug.  "It got me out of a lot longer lecture.  He made me go deal with cranky pants there while I had the hangover."  Sam moaned, shaking his head.  "Sammy saw I was in a bad mood and quit being so fussy about his clothes being a bit tight, hugging me instead.  I didn't care if he was dressed or not as long as he was quiet."

"He hugged you right back into a nap too," Bobby added.  "John came up to see why Sammy wasn't complaining about needing looser clothes.  Found Sam knotting Dean's hair all to hell and grinning at him.  John tried to walk in and Sammy growled and swatted at him when he tried to move Dean so he had to leave 'im alone that time.  Took us nearly two days to get out all the knots Sammy put into his hair.  Ended up cutting most of them out the second day."

"Someday you'll  have a kid that's nearly as adorable as I was," Dean told her with a grin.

She shook her head.  "If I do have children they'll be good boys or girls, Dean.  Not naughty like you are."

He smirked.  "We'll come by to check up on 'em.  I'll teach them how to prank their siblings and things."

Sam swatted him.  "Don't threaten to warp her kids or she'll never have any."

Tara shook her head.  "You two are insane."

"Possibly," Sam agreed dryly.  "For the same reason Xander is.  Hunting."

"My kids won't learn," she vowed.  Bobby gave her a shoulder pat.  "I know it warps your soul, Bobby.  I don't want that if I do have kids.  I'll have to give it up for protecting them."

"You'd still have help, Tara girl.  Trust me."  She nodded, digging into her breakfast again.  "Want us to ask them for some fruit and things since you don't eat meat?"  She pointed at the fruit basket since her mouth was full.  "They do spoil you guys rotten."  He finished up, letting Sammy help him clean up.  "Dean, hit your PT for the day."  He nodded, taking Tara with him.  They settled in to check their email for new information and then get back to the books.  Miss Kitty decided her spot of the day was in Bobby's lap.  He looked down at her.  "Spoiled."  She yawned and stretched out better.  "Fine.  I guess you deserve it after last night."  He gave her a gentle pat on the tail end then got back to his research.

Sam smiled when the spoiling-lacking cat decided to come over to his lap to get her rightful pets for the day.  "He not petting you?" he teased.  He scratched her back while he read, making her a happier cat when he found that spot near her tail that made it wiggle.

Bobby shook his head.  "That cat's so spoiled."

"I thought that was the definition of a cat."

"Possibly."

"Thank you for not telling her the time I got into your markers."

Bobby smirked.  "Dean didn't see you like that."  Sam moaned, shaking his head.  "Be a good boy or I'll give her all sorts of stories of cute Winchester baby boys so she'll want some of her own."

"I'm not sure if Dad would be thrilled or not," he admitted.

"No clue," Bobby admitted but he was smiling.  John might freak out if the boys offered Tara sperm for her future kids.  Or he might be a semi-happy grandfather.  Or he could be both, you never knew with John sometimes.

***

Xander looked up from reading the stuff that was sitting on the table when the Council filed in.  "What're we doing about the two spies from last night?"

They stared.  The pro-tem head cleared his throat.  "Spies?"

Xander smirked at him.  "Miss Kitty, Tara's familiar, stopped one from coming into our room.  Her hissing woke me up.  I chased him down and found another one getting him taken into custody."  He shifted so he was sitting up instead of lounging.  "I had to get a bit pushy last night to find out why they were here."

"I've heard that we have to decide a matter on spies," one admitted.  "The head guard sent word to me."

Xander nodded.  "Good.  We can talk about that.  Also, we had a slight idea."

"The welcoming center?" the pro-tem head asked.

"That's a good one but we were thinking about sending a missive to them saying we wanted to know what their problem was this time.  That way we'd find out *why* they decided to wait so long to become aggressive.  Not send an emissary, but to send a letter saying something like 'let's talk about why you sent us a threatening letter after the coronation' sort of thing.  Even the US tries diplomacy first.  If not, I'm sending some sort of explosive marshmallow thing to their realm."

The pro-tem head cleared his throat.  "That's not a *bad* idea.  We have no idea what started off this new aggression."

"Whoever brings it might also get a look at whatever force they're massing," another agreed.  "Which would give you valuable planning assistance, Lord Xander."

"It would," he agreed.  "It might also help us keep them there instead of trying to invade.  War should be a last resort not a first one."  They all nodded that they agreed with that.  "Also, how did we like the welcoming center idea?"

"It's innovative and would be helpful.  It'd give diplomats a time to rest when they got here," the pro-tem head agreed.  "Letting us ease off the schedule if necessary."

"It'd also give us time to research them to make sure they weren't here for other reasons," Xander agreed.  "Plus it'd help solve a security breach.  Sam pointed out it'd open up some entry level jobs as well."

"That's not a bad idea," one agreed.  "We have a delightful building we can renovate."

"Empty?" Xander asked.

"Slightly used as a lesser medical clinic."

"I'm not looking to displace anyone," he said firmly.  "Everyone needs a doctor sometime."  They nodded at that.  "But aren't all the hotels and things on the *other* side of town?"  They all smirked at that.  "Put it out by them in something empty that's not being used.  That way they can send petitions up to be looked over while they go to their rooms for the night or so to rest.  They can shop on their way up to see us or on their way back to their rooms.  Plus if they tried something stupid, it's a long damn hike."

"That would create more need for transportation level jobs as well," the pro-tem head agreed.  "It's a plan I could get behind."  They all smiled at that.  "We'll look for a suitable building and get to  work on the design.  That should help in a number of ways.  Plus make you look like you do welcome visitors in a formal yet slightly relaxed way."  Xander nodded at that.  "Good idea, Lord Xander."

He grinned.  "Thanks."  He looked at the piles of  papers he had went through.  "We have to know about crop yield because there's problems?"

"We've had some over-abundance issues," one said.  "It drives down the price."

"Can't we sell them off-plane?"  They gaped.  He shrugged.  "Half of the US's food is grown in the Midwest or in California.  We ship it all over the world.  And we do have supplies in case of a bad harvest or for emergency supplies, like canned stuff?"

"We don't have earthquakes like your state does," the pro-tem head said calmly.

"Good, what about rock slides, really bad weather, and those sort of issues?"

"That we do have now and then."

"Plus if we had them stored as emergency supplies we could aid others that have problems," another said.   "It'd look very good and generous on us."

"That's not a bad idea," he agreed.   "We can look at doing that with the over abundance.  Plus shipping some of it to off-plane market areas once the realm's reopened."  He smiled.  "You're doing quite well, Lord Xander."

"I more see holes in logic," he told him.  "It doesn't mean I won't screw up grandly."

"I know.  As do we all sometimes."  He looked at the other things.  Then at the guard who had snuck in.  "You have a report for us about the spies?"

"Yes, Lords, I do."  He handed it over.  "Lord Xander was quite firm in his questioning of them and they answered the rest of our questions when we promised to wake him up again."  Xander smirked at that.  "We didn't think you'd mind."

"Nope, not in the least.  Catching me without caffeine is always a bad time."  The guard nodded at that wisdom.

"You ...talked with them?" the pro-tem head asked.

"No one else seemed to want to," he said bluntly.  "With the threat going on it was likely at least one of them was from there.  And I was right.  Besides, I didn't really hurt them.  Much.  I think I grabbed one really hard when he reached for a weapon."  The council all shuddered.  "Guys, I'm not the nice fairy.  I'm a demon hunter.  I've dealt with apocalypses.  I do what I have to do so my people stay safe.  It's not like I do it all the time and I do know how to use other methods of intelligence gathering.  The slayer and I are both fairly well known among the kitten poker circuit in Sunnydale.  We've bought info, traded favors for it, and other things, but yeah, now and then we have had to do it the hard way.  In the case of last night I decided it was the most logical method and didn't hurt them like I've had to in the past.  Sorry if this upsets you guys or something but I do what I need to do.  So do Sam and Dean.  You wanted us for those skills."

The pro-tem head of the council nodded slightly.  "We do but did you truly torture them?"

"No.  I knocked one into a wall when I caught him.  The other I scared the crap out of mostly until I had to grab him because he was reaching for a weapon."

"Then that's reasonable.  We would prefer that you not torture others, Lord Xander.  We are widely seen as a gentle people."

Xander nodded.  "I get that but they came here to do harm."  He stared him down.   "You don't play nicely with people who want to kill you.  That means they come back."

"I can understand your point," he assured him quickly, "we'd just prefer that you be less openly violent if possible?"

"I'll see what I can do," he said dryly, staring him down.  "And if it comes to a war you can hide under your bed."

"I'll be watching in case I need to move my family quickly," he countered, staring back.

Xander smirked.  "I'm not going to have a war near the city, guys.  That's dangerous and we'd have to evacuate the population.  Unless they attack first, they're not going to be outside the city walls.  There's better places to hold a battle.  Like an empty field.  Or on their realm."  That got a wise nod from the pro-tem head of the council.  "Feel better?"

"Much.  Just try to seem less violent."

"You guys picked me for that ability," he pointed out patiently.  "If I have to use it I will."

"Agreed.  Do not let it get into the main press."

Xander shrugged.  "I told you I'd make a sucky ruler.  I don't care what people think about me.  I'll protect you guys, help you solve problems, but I could care less about reputations.  That's your job."

He nodded, understanding.  "I can do that, Lord Xander.  Thank you for that insight."  Xander smirked.  "As for those two spies, they are spies?" he asked the guard.  Who nodded.  "From?"

"Our current enemy and Lord Kalifratz."

"Why?  He's been peaceful with us for a great length of time," another said.

The guard shrugged.  "He told us he'd been here for the last six months as a page.  Watching and sending reports back.  He hasn't sent back anything truly impressive, mostly about the funeral arrangements and the hunt for the heirs.  He hasn't sent back anything about Lord Xander at all."

"What sort of demon is he?" Xander asked.

"He's one of the other high society lords," the pro-tem head told him.  "He's fairly snooty."

"And he's what sort?" Xander asked.  "The name sounds slightly familiar."

"Your friend Clem knows of his people.  One of his parents was one of his," the guard told him.

"Ah!  So he might not need to send info back about me or the guys.  Clem's a nice guy and we talk with him a lot.  He's a major kitten poker player and he hears a lot of stuff.  He tells us when it's dangerous stuff."  They all stared at him.  He smirked.  "The current slayer works with the harmless sorts, guys.  She's not a kill them all slayer by any means.  Clem even lets her little sister play with his cats."

They all gave him odd looks then looked at the guard, who nodded.  "They are on friendly terms with him.  The slayer gave his friend Clem a hug one night that we saw."

Xander nodded.  "Buffy likes the wrinkly guy.  He's sweet and gentle outside his kitten poker habit."  He shifted.  "So he doesn't need intel on us.  He can get all he wants from Sunnydale directly.  Maybe not on the Winchesters but Sam was patrolling with us while Dean was injured."

"They're not native to your town?" one asked.

"No, Sam drove Dean there to see a touch healer.  They took an apartment and job nearby so Dean could get treatment.  Usually they're traveling all over the US."  That got a nod.  "Sam's apparently got a prophecy about another higher demon sort wanting his ass.  Some higher demon who's kinda rude and killed his mom and girlfriend."

The pro-tem head stiffened, staring at him.  "He's that Winchester?"  Xander smirked and nodded.  "Oh, dear."

"Sam would like any and all information anyone has on that thing by the way," he said casually.  "And if we're friends with it, pity."

"No, we're not.  It's not of our society.  It's one of the higher that want to take over realms.  Those who're civilized don't associate with those who pretend to be Fallen."  He coughed.  "I'll talk to Samuel myself later, Lord Xander.  Thank you for that warning."

"He shows up, we're going to be doing something," Xander warned.

"Good!"  He stared at him.  "He is dangerous."

"Which is why Sam's family's been hunting him for over two decades."

"Good point.  We'll help him where we can with that issue.  It's better if he's safer.  That one won't attack up here."  He shifted to look at the guard.  "What else did we find out?"

"Not much.   He stupidly kept copies of his reports.  The one from our enemy wanted to look over the research this hunter was gathering.  He had no idea that the guy was the heir as well, not just someone we had hired to solve problems."  That got a nod from Xander because it was good news.  "Other than that, we have no idea."

"You know, we can use that as a ploy to send that 'we'd like to talk to you about your stupidity and aggressive tendencies' letter," Xander pointed out.  "Put that in the letter.  Start off with a 'we found one of your spies and wanted to know what you were thinking'."

"I can definitely put that into a more genteelly worded missive," the pro-tem head agreed patiently.  "Should we have him bring it back?"

"Only if he goes on a stretcher," Xander ordered.  "You spy on us, you get punished."  That got a nod.  "All hunters are a bit paranoid about our lives, guys.  It keeps us alive.  That's why I have warehouses of confiscated weapons."  They shuddered.  "I only had them bring up a few in case we're attacked before the coronation."  He looked at the guard.  "Thank you for the soda too."

"Your mate's father was most amused and decided it was a bad thing to deal with you or the Consort Dean without caffeine."  He looked at the council.  "We can have them charged today."

"Agreed," the pro-tem head agreed, waving a hand.  "Other issues?"

"We need to increase the guards around the spring," Xander said, staring at the guard.  "If they want sugar but it'll destroy them, they'll probably try something against it."

"We have specially selected guards there," the guard said firmly.  "It's an honor to serve there.  It's our highest spot and those on guard know that they are to protect it with their lives, Lord Xander."

"Decent.  Do we need to up the number?  Is there a suitable amount for rotation?"

He shrugged.  "I'll ask.  That is a strategic reason."

"Is there only one place they can get to it?  Nothing like an underground cave that leads to it?"  The guard flinched then moaned, rubbing his forehead.  "Make sure they can't to any of it.  If the whole realm partakes of some of it, it's not that hard to sneak in and get a vial of poison into it."

"Agreed.  We will check the other entrances.  Also, there are spells on it to tell us if it's been tampered with."

"Excellent.  Do whatever you have to do to protect that and the others.  We've pretty well got our own security worked out."

The guard stared.  "We'll still leave you a few, Lord Xander.  Just in case someone bothers you again at night.  Her familiar is very spoiled."  He left, going to tell his boss those thoughts.  That one did think tactically.

Xander grinned at the odd looks he got.  "Miss Kitty, Tara's familiar, spotted the spy.  She's a very good judge of character."

The pro-tem head nodded at that.  "Cats are said to be.  Especially those who affix themselves to those with gifts."  He smiled.  "The rest is probably boring things, Lord Xander.  Doesn't your consort need help with his healing?"

Xander smirked at him.  "Tara's helping him.  But I can take a hint."  He got up and left them alone.

The pro-tem head of the council looked around.  "Our last Lord and Master had a vision that he was what was needed.  Apparently this upcoming war will be bad."  They nodded.  "But he has had a few good ideas.  Can we do that with the excess of food?"   They settled down to look at that problem.  They'd have time to calm Lord Xander down.  Plus more sips from the sacred well would help him integrate better soon.  They'd have to make sure he was getting enough.

***

John walked up to where he had Buffy meet him with Clem.  "Your parent's overlord had a spy in Xander's new court?" he asked Clem.

Buffy looked at him.  "I want to know what's going on too.  We need to know if we need to help the Xander and his sons.  You know what trouble he gets into, Clem."

"He's asked us all for information.  He needed to know how to approach him about some mutually beneficial relations."  He shrugged.  "No one's said anything bad that I've heard.  Even when we heard that Xander did scare the crap out of the spy last night by nearly torturing him."  John smirked at that.  "It's said that Miss Kitty spotted them.  The other spy wasn't ours, it was the one that got him anointed."

Buffy grimaced.  "I can't believe he's the only chocolate addicted hunter," she said dryly.

"He's the only one that was adopted by the old Lord," he countered.  "Many like chocolate.  Dean's said to."  He shrugged.  "All I know was that it wasn't a harmful spying, just gathering intelligence on attitudes and how to deal with him.  I'm sorry, Buffy."

"Nah, we should've expected something like that, Clem.  I'm sure some of the others in the kitten poker circuit have been asked."  He nodded quickly, making his folds of skin shake.  She looked at John.  "See, not too bad."

"No, not too bad but Xander's got to be a bit paranoid."

"He nearly tortured him," Clem agreed.  "They said the cat woke him up when the harmful one tried to sneak into their suite.  Ours was only going to look at what they were researching, not bother them.  That one might've tried to harm them."

"We want any and all information you have about what's going on up there," John said firmly.  "We need it to help the boys."

"Anything big I hear I'd have told her anyway," he said with a slight frown.  "I respect Buffy, Mr. Winchester."  He looked at her.  "It's said they're not doing badly.  Xander's found a few logical errors that he's pointed out.  I heard that earlier they talked to him about the near-torture issue and he said something like 'what else did you expect from a hunter' and that it was the council's job to be nice, not his.  His was to protect people."  She smiled and nodded at that.  It sounded a lot like Xander.  "It's said that Dean's doing his therapy at least twice a day.  One hour in the morning and one after lunch.  That he's down to one crutch but he's clearly using something from Xander's supplies they got sent up."

"I did send up his medical kit and equipment when they asked," John agreed.  "Plus caffeine.  They hadn't had any for a few days."

Clem shuddered.  "Many of us have warned that the boy needs it to not be grumpy.  My own father's lord agreed and knew others like that, Mr. Winchester."  He looked at Buffy again, smiling some.  "They said that they do have some weapons, but not a lot.  Just enough to protect themselves if they have to.  That hunter that went up there has been lurking in the library doing research and so have the others most of the time.  Every now and then Xander takes a break to hit the pool they have for Dean's leg.   They say he looks stressed out when he swims."

"He probably is," she agreed.  "Xander's not exactly going to be comfy leading a people."

"It's said he knows he'll be screwing up sometime and it's the council's job to fix that."  He shrugged.  "He did have the idea to move the portals up there out of the palace and to their own welcome center."

"It'd be a security risk if they were in the palace," John said, scowling some.  "I'll have to ask about that."

"Xander does my planning," Buffy reminded him.  She looked at Clem again.  "Any other news?"

"No, Buffy.  Well.... It's said that the boys are wary of being together.  Someone has moved them into the same bed a few times but now Dean's got the bed, Sam has some chaise that he naps on, and Xander has the couch."

She nodded.  "We wouldn't mind if Xander went gay.  I wouldn't even mind if Xander picked up one of those two if they wanted it that way because they're nice guys."  John snorted.  "They are and they'd know about the life, John.  It's really hard to date someone who doesn't know and anyone we have dated that didn't know ended up getting sucked in and hurt.  They could help each other and stuff.  It'd be a good match if your boys were gay.  If they're not then they're buddies, like they have been."  She looked at Clem again.  "Anya's determined to be there for the coronation."

"I'll let them know that."

"His last email said he hadn't heard from her recently.  I'm not sure why....." she said, letting it trail off.

"Gotcha," he agreed with a grin.  "I'll let that be known.  Oh, one last thing I have heard.  The sacred spring's output can make one... a bit goofy and euphoric I'm told.  They've had to ingest some now and then as part of the coronation rituals.  That may be why they ended up in bed together.  But this morning I heard they were sharing baby stories to make Tara want to have someone cute to cuddle her."

"Awww.  I'm sure the boys were adorable when they were little."  John nodded that they were.  "Tara would make a great mommy but we'd hate to miss her when she went somewhere safer with the little thing.  Maybe some year soon."  She gave him a pat on the arm.  "Thank you, Clem.  Keep us informed.  And anyone else who hears something.  Not like they can't find us too."

"Yes, Buffy."  He looked at John.  Who nodded for him to go.  He ran off before Winchester could have a violent thought his way.

Buffy scowled at him.  "Clem's very peaceful, John.  He'd never hurt Xander.  Even though he owes Xander two kittens or so right now."  She walked him off.  "That was a good thing to know about.  I had no idea they'd been in town.  They must've been very stealthy.  Usually strangers get noticed really quickly after Riley's crew was here."  She looked up at him.  "Were they really cute?"

He sighed but pulled out his wallet to show her an old picture, earning an 'awww'.  He put it back.  "Why would it matter if Anya went up there?"

"Anya gets her powers back if she can prove that she's been scorned again."  They shared a look and John shuddered.  "I'm thinking yeah, it'll be a problem."

"Probably.  We can let her go up on her own?"

"They know we associate, John.  They're still watching us to make sure we don't do something to help the boys get away."  She took his arm again.  "Anyway, did you get your daily email from them?  I haven't yet."

"Not yet.  I hope it means that Sammy's hard at the books right now.  Xander researches?"

"He does but he gets bored and frustrated now and then.  He's not as handy at it as Willow is.  He gets us snacks when he has that mood down here."  She looked up again.  "That's one reason why we tended to discount him now and then.  I do miss the dork, but maybe it's safer if he's up there?" she asked quietly.

He shrugged.  "That depends how bad the situation is."

She nodded.  "I can see that.  You know, we should probably find something nice to wear to it.  I doubt they'll let us near there in dirty jeans and t-shirts."  He grimaced down at her.  "It's a coronation.  I'm sure they're expecting good clothes."

"I have an outfit I can wear and still fight in."

"I was going to bring Mom to the mall later to help me find something tasteful that I could move in.  Mom said I couldn't wear my favorite clothes, that it'd make me look slutty."

"Now and then you do wear some pretty short skirts, young lady."

She poked him on the side.  "It's a good thing my mom's a mom instead of a dad, John."  He smirked and nodded.  "Though I do have a picture of when Willow dressed Xander in a skirt once during a sleepover."

John shuddered.  "My boys would've killed her."

"He would but he doesn't know."  She smirked meanly.  "Dawn's got it.  She's the present keeper of the blackmail."

"Uh-huh."  He walked her into the shop.  "The news network goes both ways," he told Giles.

"That's interesting.  Have we had spies in town to gather information on Buffy?"

"On Xander, Giles.  His thing, not mine."

"Oh, that.  Well, they might discount his skills if they hear the popular gossip about him I suppose.  That could be helpful getting him free."

"It could," Buffy agreed.  "Some of them treat him like's stupid and worthless."  She bounced off to her practice space.  "John, will you teach me that throwing move you used on me last time?"

"Sure, Buffy, but only if you put on pants.  I don't want to see anything untoward."  He looked at Giles.  "Miss Kitty apparently spotted a spy and woke the boys up."

"That's interesting.  I didn't know familiars could do that."  He went to find a book.

John looked at him, then shook his head slightly as he went into the practice area.  Buffy was changing into pants so he didn't have to be flashed.  Thankfully!  How did Joyce not paddle her for that?  He had seen vampires stalking her to get flashed before they died.  His boys would never wear skirts that short.  Even if they were inclined to wear skirts.  And that thought meant he needed a night off to rest and get some real sleep.

***

Sam looked over as the guard walked into their suite a few days later.  "Something going on?" he asked quietly.  Dean was taking a nap.

"It's time to go over the formal preparations for the coronation," the head of all the guards said.  "Where is Lord Xander?"

"Pool wearing out some stress."

Dean yawned as he sat up.  "You might wanna make sure the guy we hung out the window didn't decide to jump."  One went to look and retrieve the poor idiot.  "Next time, don't let him come in and go through our weapons."

The guard nodded.  "He's a reporter.  They can be pests, Consort Dean."  He walked him off, going to find Xander at the same time.  "Lord Xander, it's time to go over coronation details.  We need you in your suite," he called into the pool area.  He heard a splash and walked the reporter off.  "They found him going through their weapons and hung him on a banner hanger out the window," he told the guard in charge of the cells.

"Interesting punishment."  He took him to a private cell so he could calm himself down.  He was still shaking and crying.

Xander walked into his room, looking at the head guard.  "Major issues that we have to deal with during the coronation?"

"Official protocol.  Plus you've all got to be fitted for your clothes."

"Guys, I'm not marrying Sam or Dean.  They're brothers and we're all straight.  I still like girls."

The head guard shrugged.  "That is not for us to decide, Lord Xander.  It was decided by the Oracles.  We have no say over that and neither do you at this point in time.  Later that would become pertinent, but that's after the coronation, the last part of the ceremony."  Xander nodded once at that.  "We can go over that later.  For now, we have to go over arrangements."

"Sure," he sighed, sitting down to stare at him.  "What funky ritual things do I have to go through?"

"Basically, you have to be clean, calm, slightly nervous is fine, and walk out in the procession.  We hold the first part of the ceremony by the sacred spring.  You imbibe some to prove that you're one of us.  Then you have the procession parade back here.  The first is dignitaries only.  The high born basically."  That got a nod from all three men.  "The parade is for the majority of the people to see you and get to know what you look like.  You'll be walking it.  It's a distance."

"There's no way my leg's fit for that yet," Dean told him.

"You two don't have to do that.  You'll be meeting him here," the guard told him, getting a nod.  "You'll be meeting him on the steps of the palace.  The grand staircase with the marble banisters leads up to the formal chambers.  That's where all rituals are performed.  Once there he'll be sworn in by the head of the pro-tem council.  The old heir is going to be asked if he wishes to challenge you for the position.  Since he'll say no, there's no problem there."  That got another mass nod.  "At that point, Xander will be standing and you two will be behind him on each side.  Basically showing that you back him up."  That got a nod from Sam.  "Then Lord Xander takes his seat.  He makes a nice speech about how he's here for the people or whatever you three decide on.  Then the Council asks him who will support him.  That's the point where you three will be joined or he'll name you the family's defenders."  Sam stiffened at that.  "Which is acceptable but it's still seen as a precursor to being mated to him.  It's a cautious step but a reasonable one."

"That would get me out of the idea of marrying them once the battle's done?" Xander asked.

"Yes.  At that point they could go back to hunting and say something about protecting your family this way if asked by other nosy reporter types."  Xander grinned at that.  "You can also protect them back by saying that any vendetta against their family is one against yours, thereby making you their protector as well.  That would mean that the demon had to formally challenge and overtake you to get Samuel.  If he bypasses that you can declare war on him.  It's not often done by those who are of that odious one's rank but it is a formal step that could help him."

"I can also have Tara meld us some night soon so the demon has to come after me and take me out before he can get Sam," Xander pointed out.

The guard nodded.  "That would not be looked on favorably by the Council but you could have the witch do that."

"I can wait until after the coronation," Xander said, looking at Sam.  Who glared.  "Tough, Sam.  We'll talk about that problem later.  Let's get through this one first."  He looked at him.  "What about the other heirs?  I'm sure there's some disgruntled ones somewhere."

"They'll have the right to petition to be heard about their claims at the same swearing in point," he advised him.  "Which means that can drag on for days."

"How many are going to?" Dean asked.

"At least ten.  Then the Council would have to look over each one's petition and judge it against what we know the last lord wanted and why he wanted it."

"I said often enough that if one who was more qualified was wanted I'd just back them up with the battle stuff."  Xander shifted to cross his legs.  "Is there one?"

"Two who are adamant that you're taking their rightful spot.  If they're turned down they can demand honorable combat.  Which would have to be won before the swearing in.  Which again, could take days."

"Single person like a duel or champions?" Dean asked.

"Their choice since they called it," he admitted.  That got a nod from all three men again.  "It does have to be a fair contest to both sides.  They can't pull out unsolvable puzzles or anything.  They have to be able to win it and so does Lord Xander."

"So we're probably looking at a duel situation or a champion taking me on for a battle," Xander decided.  That got a small shrug from the guards.  "Could they call a more serious, scholarly one?"

"One might.  He relies much on his mind over everything else.  Which suits him but he'd think all problems to death."  One of the ones in the back handed over a scroll.  "Those are the other heirs, their general backgrounds and abilities, their personalities that have been seen around, and their fields of expertise, as my guards noted for you."

"In order of probable problems," that guard said calmly.

Xander grinned.  "Thanks, guys.  Is there one you guys like better?"

"The old Lord had his reasons," the head guard said firmly.  "The Oracles were decisive and he had his reasons beyond their advice, Lord Xander.  There is obviously something that you can do or have that will help us continue to prosper.  If not, Wozaataran would have named one of them.  Even if the Oracles had counseled him not to."

Sam relaxed.  "No funny other pre-rituals?  No ritual bathing, nothing like that?"

"No.  Though I would advise that his robes be something he could fight in.  If they do call a physical combat they'll want it right then."

Xander nodded.  "That's why there's layers," Xander said dryly.  "Robes like in the Harry Potter movies?"

He considered it.  "I've only seen the first one but yes.  Much like what Snape would wear if you so chose or like Dumbledore if you so chose.  That is your choice and it will be setting style trends by whatever you choose."

Xander nodded.  "So layers are going to be acceptable."  That got a nod.  "Any weapons I'm not allowed to carry?"

"We would prefer not to let you carry any, especially during the parade.  The crowd has been known to surge and try to hug their Lord and Master in the past," one of the other guards said.  "It would be most seemly to have a dagger or something on you in case of problems.  No one says that in the crowd there won't be assassins."

"So, I can leave them with Sam and Dean?" Xander suggested.  That got a nod.  "Okay.  Good question that I need to know about beforehand.  When, as part of the ceremony, is my ex going to make her statement and get her powers back?"

The head guard winced.  "When they ask who stands behind you to support you she can make a claim of a prior relationship.  The council would be responsible for telling her that she's not worthy but she can press it and if you agree that you left her, that would be the point when she'd call on her former boss to get them back most likely.  We do know that she's most happy to come up."

"During the first week after we brought you up here, she did make mention of thinking about asking for a concubine's position," the spying guard told him.  "Since then, some of her friends have been telling her how this scorned her."

"Anya's always wanted her powers back.  Now and then she whined that I wouldn't cheat on her," Xander told him.  He got up and grabbed something from his desk, handing it over.  "Give that to her when she shows up please?  It might keep her from cursing me.  Maybe, if I'm lucky and she's having a mushy moment."  He looked at the boys then at his guards.  "Sam needs books on what being a family protector means."  That got handed over to him.  "Thank you.  Anything else I should know?"

"There'll be two guards with you the whole trip," the head guard said firmly. "Even Wozaataran had two with him when he took his oaths.  It was partially to keep him from panicking and partially to keep him from being harmed by those who would."  He pointed at two of his people who got along well with him.  "They'll keep your friends off you as well.  We might like the slayer's stance on things but she'll not be allowed to steal you during the parade."

Xander grimaced.  "Buffy's not that subtle.  I don't think their dad is either."  He sat down again.  "If I fix this problem with those anti-sugar demons, can I hand it to one of the other heirs?"

"Only if you name them during the ceremony," the head guard said.  "I'd start interviewing now because that will give them some power and status.  That can cause problems for you."  Sam and Dean both nodded at that.  "We understand why but you are going to do fine in the role.  There's times when we have to think about doing mean things.  As a people we're not used to that but it has to happen to protect ourselves.  I have to fight very hard to get my trainees into that mindset now and then.  You may not be the most gentle but you are actually the most sensible choice of them all.  Wozaataran chose well when he chose you.  Oh, and you'll have to answer to your proper given name."

"I can't even pronounce it."

"We can."  He smirked.  "That's not your job either."  Xander gave him a small grin for that assurance.   "The fittings will start tonight.  You have three designers to choose from.  I'll tell you now one was favored of Wozaataran.  He preferred to be loudly and gaily colored."

"Not my thing for skulking around hunting," Dean said dryly.

"You two will have more minor versions of his outfit," one of the guards assured him.  "The weapons can have built-in hidden spots if you want.  I don't know how you'd hide something the size of a shotgun but the handguns and knives are more likely."

"My axe," Xander said with a point.  "It's been with me a long time."  He looked at Dean.  "I'll let you use it as a cane.  It's about the right height?"

Dean looked then nodded.  "I might be able to do that.  Especially with the family protector decree instead of the marrying one.  That'll make a good statement."  The guards all smiled at that.  "Anything else we have to know?"

"We'll go over final details on the parade route the night before.  That way we make sure nothing gets back to the slayer's team.  We don't want to have to hurt them if they kidnap you."

Xander smirked.  "But if I name an heir to hand it to after I solve the aggression....."

"Then they could take them home for a bit but Samuel is still safer up here.  That demon can't get him up here.  Down there the demon could easily get him without you being there to protect him."

Xander nodded once, looking at Sam.  "We'll go over all the ideas on how I could protect you later, Sam.  Tara's found a few ideas with Bobby."  Sam grimaced but nodded.  He looked at the guards.  "Why come in here en masse?"

"We knew someone had broken in but we hadn't heard any screams.  I thought we might need to carry them out," the head guard said dryly.

"If he comes back, you'll b e picking up parts.  He tried to feed Tara's familiar a sedative."

"Ah.  No wonder he was hanging out the window.  That's reasonable and this part of the palace will be shut off to all but support staff for the rest of the time in, Lord Xander."  That got a nod from Dean.  "You can come and go but expect there to be guards to keep them from you.  Oh, fair warning.  The setting styles will also probably set some color boundaries for your royal colors.  They'll be expecting the clothes to say a lot about you.  Including your color preferences.  So if you like water that much you might want to include that?"

"I nearly turned into a merman," Xander said blandly, giving him a dirty look.  The guard gaped.  "I went undercover to see why the swim team was turning into black, lagoon type monsters and eating people.  The coach was putting mermaid parts and blood into the steam treatments we all took.  Fortunately I got detoxed in time."

All the guards stared at him in horror.  "That does explain why you go work off stress in the pool.  Or on the heavy bag," one said in awe.  Xander smirked at him.  "We won't mention that.  It won't hurt anything but some might see that as a sign that another demon species was trying to take you away from us.  It would make people think about going to be mean to merpeople."

Dean looked at Sam.  "If you ever turn into the demon magnet Xander is, I'm going to beat your ass, Sammy.   I know he does the impossible shit for breakfast, but just don't go there."

"I don't think I want to be partially turned," he admitted, staring at Xander.  "How do you get into those things?"  Xander shrugged.  "No idea?"

"Nope."  He grinned.  "But Tara was checking.  That demon did try to come after me too."  Sam moaned, slumping down.   "The old mayor sent him off for *some* reason."

"Oh, shit," Dean complained.  "He wanted you too?"

"Apparently I was a backup plan but I don't know to what.  No one's ever told me."

"He needed an innocent blood sacrifice when you were six," the head guard told him.  "We've been watching over the heirs when we could.  That would have tainted you so he couldn't use you.  It came down to a choice between you and Rosenburg as his backup sacrifice.  He didn't think she'd have access to the power  you would."

Sam stiffened.  "But Willow's a powerful witch with magic problems now."

"Seers are always preferable and Xander was born and bred on the hellmouth.  She moved there at a young age.  There's been very few children naturally born on the hellmouth," the head guard said smugly.  "He's one of ten in this last century.  All the others are born out of town at a hospital or move there.  The one who was sacrificed in his place was one who would have been a very powerful witch."

Xander nodded at that.  "The hospital's technically outside of the town's limits by about three yards."   Dean gaped.  He smirked.  "Though, seer I am not."

"You do show the latent gift," the head guard told him.  "It's never been awakened.  Plus the hellmouth seems to like you.  It kept you from being taken when it opened that first time."

"I wasn't in the library.  I was taking out the zombies in the basement.  They decided I was worthless that night."

"Yes but it still could have reached down for you.  It should have and didn't," the head guard told him.  "Of the ten, you've made it longer than all but one.  She was turned when she was twenty-four.  If you're not turned by then you'll be the longest lasting child born on your hellmouth.  The full record is the one in Cleveland since they put a real city there.  One of them reached ninety.  If you're still our Lord and Master you'll eclipse that by a lot."

Xander grimaced.  "We'll see."  That got a nod.  "Thanks for the info, guys."

"You're welcome, Lord Xander."  He bowed and so did the other guards.  "Let us start the heavy preparations around you.  We'll send in the royal clothiers in a few hours.  The rest of your team will need to be dressed as well."

One guard coughed.  "One reporter asked if Tara was meant to be your heir carrier.  We thoughtfully tossed him out before she heard, Lord Xander.  She was in a bit of a frustrated moment at the time."

"She's got PMS."

"We figured as much," the head guard agreed.  "We fed her mortal's chocolate instead of our special version."  They left.

Xander looked at Sam.   "Huh."

"You can't put yourself in his way, Xander.  He can still hurt you."

Xander quirked up an eyebrow.  "Sam, don't tell me what to do about demons pushing their luck around me.  I tend to get stubborn and throw fits that include weapons or explosives."  Sam blanched.  "Got me here?"  Sam nodded.  "If it's the only way to protect you, so be it.  Your dad and big brother would agree I'm sure.  It'd lead to the thing being killed sooner and probably easier."

"We need to look over all the ideas for the best way," Dean told his brother.  Sam nodded, going to find Tara.  "That's brave yet stupid, dude.  Sammy's going to throw a fit about you being pushy."

Xander stared him down then opened his shirt to point at something.  "Sam's not the only one that's had that problem, Dean.  My father tried to offer me up once."  He rebuttoned his shirt then looked at him.  "That one decided I'd taste funny.  I was about eight.  Had no idea why the dark guy was sniffing me."  Dean shuddered.  "I owe you guys since your dad took him out later as I found out last month."

"It's cool with us," Dean assured him.

"If it's the safest and easiest path, then it is," Xander countered.  "We'll let Sam pick from the best few options.  That way he won't pitch a fit but he's still protected.  That demon getting him is looking like a bad thing.  There's a reason the slayer line kept stopping him the last few times he tried to open the gateway."  Dean stiffened, staring him down.  Xander stared back for a moment then pointed.  "One of the Council gave it to me.  It's a dossier on what he's done, why he's done it, and where.  I emailed it to your dad last night after you guys went to bed.  He gave it to me at one.  That's when Tara and I started talking options to save him."

Dean got up to get it, coming back to sit down while Xander went over the various heirs.  When Sam came back with Tara he held it up.  "One of the Council ran into our demon in the past."  Sam snatched it.  He grinned at Tara.  "Is there a better option?"

"Two.  There's a best option but it's impractical since he can't knock Xander up."  She sat next to Sam, pointing at something.  "I don't know where that is."

He looked at her.  "Bobby might."  She smiled, tucking her hair back behind her ears.  "Thanks, guys.  I know you want to help."

"Sam, you can pick which version works best for you but we're still protecting you," Xander said, rolling more of the scroll up so he could unroll the bottom some more.  "There's no way I want to handle this battle with yours coming due any day now."  He looked up.  "Besides, it's not often I get guy friends.  I need to protect them.  I couldn't protect Jesse because I didn't know.  Now I can protect you and Dean until you get the sucker.  Friends are too rare to miss."  He went back to his reading.

Dean gave Sammy a punch on the shoulder.  "Let me get Bobby.  He said he sent it to Dad already."

"I'll call him once Bobby's read it to make sure he's got some idea," Sam agreed, going back to his reading.  Tara picked up the book on family protectors.  He smiled at her.  "They wanted to know if you'd carry Xander's heir."

"Maybe some year but not this year."  She pinched Xander's leg, getting a smug look.  "They fed me chocolate?"

"They think you have PMS."

"It was sweet of them."  She started on that book while Sam and Dean moved to make plans and talk to their father.  She went to get Bobby, bringing him back at a jog.  That was a problem that had been going on much too long.  It would be ended soon.  She settled in to read the new book, smirking at the information.  "It does fit," she said quietly, letting him see a section of the background.

He smirked.  "I'm like that anyway," he agreed.  She smiled and they went back to their research.  "They said I have to dress all you guys like me for the ceremonies," he told her absently.  "We're talking  Harry Potter type robes."   She giggled.  "I'm going to go as Snape.  We can let you go as McGonagall."

She pinched him again.  "So bad."

Dean looked over.  "Pants, nice shirt, no ties, robes if we have to can be like trench coats.  No big froufy things."

Xander looked at him.  "Not like I'm Buffy, Dean.  I still gag at lace."

Dean grinned.  "Good.  We heard she's been shopping."

"It's what she does when she doesn't have a boyfriend," Xander agreed dryly.  "Her mom will complain soon about the few billion pairs of shoes she now has."

Dean shook his head.  "I'm not used to girly girls like her."

Sam smiled.  "Jess wasn't a big shopper either.  Just now and then when she needed to do laundry and was too lazy."  Dean smirked at that, understanding that urge very well.

Tara shook her head.  "I only go once a year.  I don't understand girls like that and I'm a girl."

Bobby smirked.  "Some girls put their passions into their stress relief, Tara.  For some it's sex, for some it's shopping."  She blushed, shaking her head and hiding her face behind the book.  He looked at them.  "We need to find that area."

"I realized yesterday Sammy hasn't had a vision in months," Dean said.  "Is it being up here?"

"The hellmouth kept the wavelength down," Xander said, shifting to get more comfortable.  He and Tara switched places so he could stretch out on the couch.  "It's why Cordy's latent seer gifts didn't come out either.  The evil radiation messes with all gifts.  She admitted she had a few of the funkier dreams that were kinda almost visions once she got to LA and then Doyle fully awakened it when he passed his to her."

"Huh?" Sam asked.

Tara looked over.  "The hellmouth radiates power," she told him.  "It makes magic harder too, Sam.  It taints the things around it.  It can also counteract other taints and gifts with the way it radiates to infect.  We all show some."

"Some of us more than most," Xander agreed.  He smirked at her.  "I'm one of ten kids actually born on the hellmouth in this last century.  Only one's lasted longer than I have so far."

"But half of everything came for you to try to take you because of that," she reminded him.

He nodded.  "Probably why I'm such a demon and trouble magnet," he agreed.  "They think I'm a latent seer."

She nodded.  "I've seen some of your nightmares be repeated now and then."  He scowled.  She stared.  "We have.  You had one about Willow going bad," she said quietly.

"Shit.  I didn't even realize."

"Yup.  It must like you because it cloaks you and it's like a lottery about who ends up with you."

"The highest bidder the hellmouth likes gets me?" he teased.

"Apparently.  When is Anya going to make her play?"

"When they ask if I'm marrying Sam and Dean.  I'll make them the family protectors, which is that book you've got.  She'll point out we were in a relationship."

"Ah.  Well, I'll do what I can to protect you when she gets her powers back."

"Thanks, Tara.  I knew you loved me," he said with a grin.  "I sent her a letter with the truth too."

She smirked.  "That's nice of you.  I know she's been angsting."  She went back to reading.

The three hunters looked at each other then shook their heads.  They didn't understand how Xander could date Anya anyway.

***

Anya and John both looked up as the demon walked into the Magic Box.  "Mr. Winchester, have you checked your email recently?  I know Lord Xander sent you one late last night about your family's enemy."  He took Willow's laptop from her to get into his email.  He looked at Anya.  "Lord Xander bid me hand this to you, Miss Emmerson."  He handed over the letter.  "From his hand to yours late last night while he was thinking of you."

She blushed.  "He's been thinking of me?"

"No matter how many times the Council wanted him to dally with his proposed consorts he has not and he worries what you'll think and do because we took him from you."  He smirked.  "He does know and is looking forward to you coming up for the coronation."

She tipped her head.  "Thank you for letting me know."

"You're welcome.  Later on we've got to force him into real clothes for it."  He left, leaving them to their duties.

"I'll be damned," John said.  "Someone told Xander about the demon that took out Mary and Jess."

Buffy came out to look over his shoulder.  "No wonder slayers kept stopping him," she said with a scowl.  "Giles?"  He came out of the office.  "Don't we have anything on the girls who stopped this big butthole sucking demon?"

He came over to look.  "I've given him what I've found but I haven't looked into their chronicles.  I'll ask to see if any information was put into them.  It's an avenue I hadn't thought of."  He went to make that call, pausing at Anya's staring at the envelope.  "Bad news?"

"From Xander.  He was thinking about me."  Giles nodded once and went into the office.  She read it, sniffling some.  "I know it's not his fault," she muttered.  "It's still not fair."

"The guard said he hasn't been sleeping around," Willow reminded her.  "He's kept true to you because that's the sort of guy he is, Anya."

She pouted.  "That's not fair."  She looked at her.  "Shouldn't you be in Oklahoma?"

"They sent me back for the coronation," she reminded her.  "As long as John does some mentoring for the next few days."

John looked at her.  "No magic unless necessary to save lives."

"Of course not.  They agreed."  She pouted.  "Anything I can help with?"

"Why didn't it come after Xander?" he asked.

"Oh.  The hellmouth hides those things," she said with a grin.  "The evil radiation from the hole to hell dimensions hides a lot of things.  We noticed that Sam hasn't had a vision since he got into town too."

"I had more clear slayer dreams before I moved here too," Buffy agreed.  "Hold on, why would it come for Xander?"

"He's clearly got skills if Wozaataran wanted him as an heir," Anya told her.   "Plus he's had some prophetic nightmares."  She stared at Willow, who blushed.  Buffy gave her a horrified look.  "There's almost never children born within the hellmouth's town limits, Buffy.  See, there's limits and then there's limits imposed by the strength of the hole.  Radiation may leak farther, but it's not within the true limits of the hellmouth's reach.  The hospital's outside the real town limits by a few feet.  Xander was born at home because his mom was too drunk to realize she was in labor."  She reread her letter.  "It's very rare that any children are born within the limits of the hole's power.  It inhibits that too."  She smirked at the stunned slayer.  "Those who are usually die fairly young.  Xander's nearly one of the oldest ever.  The last one I knew about was twenty-four when she was turned back in the fifties if I remember right.  The odd one out is Cleveland because it's a real city and there's two hospitals within the mystical three mile range it has.  One there made it to ninety but she was a seer so she could see when things were coming for her.  She moved to the middle of nowhere because of it."

"Granny Tyler?" John asked, looking confused.  She smiled and nodded.   "A lot of us wondered why she had gifts and why she was so odd."

"She's a hellmouth baby.  Or she was.  I heard she died a few years back."  He nodded at that.  "Xander's the last one born on this or any hellmouth in the last few decades.  Well, I heard there was another one but the Mayor got her as a sacrifice.  You know, he might've stopped that demon from coming for Xander if he intended him as a sacrifice."

"He couldn't help him ascend so he was a predator in his hunting preserve," Buffy said.  Anya nodded.  "Eww."  She looked at John.  "Was Xander supposed to be on the list?"

"It's possible.  He shows the same earmarks.  Sammy thought he might be for some reason.  He's had visions about the others the demon's tried."  Which meant he might be losing Sammy to the hellmouth to keep him safe.  "Has he had any visions up there?" he asked Buffy.

"Not that I've heard."

"If they're being sent by the demon, it couldn't get up there to do that without starting a war against it," Anya said, smirking evilly at him.  "And Xander would destroy it to save his friends.  He'd protect them like he would have Jesse if he knew the dangers back then."  Willow whimpered.  "You didn't know either."

"No but he's been hunting all this time because the vampires took Jesse."

"All hunters have a reason that makes us join the field," John said simply.   She nodded at that.  "Xander helping hunt here because they got his friend is a pretty normal response.  Him continuing to protect himself from them would be well understood too.  His bad jokes might not be, but we'd understand his reasons."  Buffy gave him an odd look.  "We would. A lot of us joined due to a vendetta against some demon that hurt one of our close friends or family, Buffy."

"I get that but I don't think they'd really understand Xander all that well.  We don't and we've known him for years."  Willow nodded at that.

"Maybe it's a guy thing then," he offered, mostly to make her leave him alone so he could look over this new information.  She went to help Anya and Giles with stuff so he got back to the email.  "Devil's gate?" he muttered.

"Which one?" Anya asked.

"The one Samuel Colt put a devil's trap around?"

"One of the Dakotas.  I haven't been there since they split apart.  It's in a cemetery."  She went back to rereading the letter.

John sent that to Ellen and Bobby.  Someone would know where it was.  Ellen sent back word from Ash.  He knew.  "Ah."  He forwarded that to Bobby and they got to work chatting about how to get things done.  Much cheaper than the phone bill the boys had this last month.  Six-hundred-twenty-nine dollars thanks to roaming was a bit much.  Sam added in the options Tara had found to help protect him and John looked them all up to see what was involved.  His son would be protected.  Xander was going to do that if he could.  He liked the boy for that much alone.  Even if people did want them to marry.

***

Xander looked at the drawings the fashion people wanted him in then shuddered.  "Guys, let me put it plainly.  I like simple clothes.  I tend to like dark colors because it went well with the hunting and sweat or blood didn't show as much if I wore them at work and got hurt.  I'm a *guy* and we hate lace.   The only thing I can think of when I see that dress-like robe is Drucilla."

"The old Lord did like her," one offered.  "We know you know of her."

"Yeah, Angel tried to give me to Spike once.  Thankfully Spike's chipped and I treated him like crap when I babysat him so he decided he couldn't claim me and hand me to Dru for her newest pet."  He gave them a dirty look when they gasped.  "Got that part worked out.  Sent Angel a nasty gram and infected blood too."  He smirked sweetly.  "Let's get real here.  There's every chance I'll be called to combat with one of the other heirs.  I don't wear dresses anyway.  The only dress you'll be doing is Tara's.  Pants, simple shirt, both comfortable and easy to move in if I have to defend myself or others.   Robe if we must but it shouldn't get in my way and I'll be hiding weapons in it."  All three stared at him.  "No lace, no froufy ruffles, nothing like that.  Simple, plain, elegant.  Okay?"  They slumped.  "Sorry but it's not my thing.  No matter how many people want me to gayer than all of San Fran, it's not my thing.  Sorry to disappoint."

They nodded.  "We'll work on something and come back in the morning," the one in the middle said.  The other two nodded.

"That's cool.  We can see you after breakfast and before Dean hits PT."  They nodded and left.   He leaned back with a groan.

"Thank you," Dean called.

"Welcome.  Ruffles on the sleeves and collars would look odd against your face, Dean."

Sam smirked.  "The color would look nice on him.  That light rose color?"

Dean smacked him on the head.  "Shut up, Samzilla.  Before you end up in the tight pants to show off what you'll be slipping to Xander later."

"With the social customs, Xander should be on top," Bobby told him.  Tara blushed bright red and squeaked.  "Sorry, Tara."

Dean looked at him.  "So Xander should have the tight pants that show off everything he has?" he joked.  "Sure, we can do that.  Sammy's butt could use some work since it's getting flabby."

"Why are you staring at my butt this time?" Sam asked.  "I thought you liked girls, Dean."

"If your dad could hear you two, he'd have a heart attack," Bobby complained.  "I'm about to so stop it."

Xander snickered from his seat.  "They're like playful kitties nipping at each other until one pounces the nipper."

"I always saw myself as more of a blood hound sort of dog," Dean quipped back with an evil smirk.  "Big eyes that get me petted by pretty girls."

"Floppy ears, stubby legs," Sam teased.

"Some of them are taller," he retorted.  "Just because you'd be one of those freakish looking elkhounds or something doesn't mean the rest of us aren't good at the same job."

"You know, if Willow hears you, you can both be poodles," Xander offered.  "They can technically hunt but they're there for the pretty."

Dean shuddered.  "Oh, god, the mental image," he complained.  "Tara, please make it stop?  She'd make us dyed poodles with the froufy haircuts."

She patted him on the back.  "I'd protect you and change you back, Dean.  I'd never let anyone suffer as a dyed poodle."  She glared at Xander, who only gave her an evil smirk back.  "Someone's had too much caffeine."

"I'm in a decent mood, Tara.  Be nicer or I'll throw you in the pool in your street clothes."

"Xander," she complained, scowling at him.  He just smirked harder.  "You need help."

"Well, yeah, but they're not really my sort."  She went 'eep' and bright red again.  "It's hard.  Anya gave it to me at least twice a day every day.  It's been weeks without."

Bobby looked at him.  "You have a huge bathroom that's nearly soundproofed."  Tara hissed in his ear, getting an awed look.  "How did she do that?"

"I don't know but she was always like that," Xander told him, coming over to look over their shoulders.  "At least twice a day every day.  I figured it was a long dry spell during her demonic times."

Dean looked at him.  "She a bit nympho?" he teased.

"Very.  She even complained if she didn't get more than four or five orgasms a time."  Sam's mouth flopped open.  Tara nodded then shivered.  "Willow nearly stole her voice once to make her quit complaining when I had the flu last time; I hadn't been able to do more than cuddle for nearly three days.  We heard about it for a week."

Bobby shivered.  "That's some bit of stamina."

"That was working, going home for dinner time sex, going on patrol, heading home for bedtime sex, getting a few hours of sleep and then sometimes wakeup sex," Xander said smugly.

"That explains why you don't sleep now," Dean said.  Xander just nodded.  "You really should try to sleep more, Xander.  It can't be good for you."

"It can so.  I've got terrific stamina now thanks to her."  He patted Tara on the head.  "Even if Willow does still want to turn her into a bunny rabbit.  Though I think that was more wanting nieces to spoil."

"Those would be some horribly bouncy kids," Sam teased.

Xander nodded.  "Probably.  I was."  He smirked and grabbed the family protector book, going back to his chair to read it over.  "Anyone not like this idea?"

"Sounded good to us," Dean agreed, going back to his silent talking with Sam.  Maybe they needed to drug Xander now and then so he slept?  Tara s hook her head and wrote out a note, letting him see it.  He just nodded at that information, letting it happen since she was helping him sleep at night.  They got back to chatting with their father about the current problem.  He wasn't waiting patiently for their input.  Bobby thoughtfully told him about the interruption they just had.  John.... well, since it was either off the keys he needed or it was symbolic of swearing they were sure he was not happy with it.

***

Xander looked at the new drawings then sighed, pulling Sam over.  "See his clothes?  These are work clothes.  They fit this way so we can move in them if we have to.  Including having to fight, hunt, stalk, or kill in them."  All three designers went pale.  "No tight pants that'll make me look like I went back to stripping.  Please."

"You did what?" Bobby asked.

"Car broke down while on my roadtrip," Xander said with a sweet grin.  "Had to get it fixed somehow.  It paid for my room and things.  I wasn't good at it but it happened.  I waited tables and things too."  He looked at the designers.  "Easy, simple, slightly loose so I can fight in it if I have to.  Darker colors, no ruffles, no lace, nothing shiny that'll blind me in the sunlight during the parade.  Has to be able to conceal weapons."

They pouted.  "We're gentle people," the one on the left said.  "We don't usually have to hide weapons in our clothes, Lord Xander.  We're used to showing ourselves off to show our stations."

"My parents are dirt poor and I worked my whole life," Xander told him.  "I'm not rich and if I want tight pants later, that'll be then.  For this I need to be able to move freely and comfortably.  The parade's going to be at least a mile and a half of walking from what I can tell."  They nodded at that.  "I have black sneakers.  Just make it comfortable and simpler."

"We'll be back by lunch," one of the others said, getting up and dragging his cohorts out.  Perhaps they needed some different opinions before they brought their designs to Lord Xander.  He was fussy and picky about things.  One who knew one of the guards got him called off so they could coopt his opinion on these matters.  It'd only help them.

Xander leaned back, covering his eyes.  "Why me?" he asked Sam.

"I don't know but I'm finding it amusing they still want to put Dean into light pink," he offered.

"He won't look bad in the color but it's not what I'd want to see him in," Tara said.  Dean grunted from where he was reading.  She looked over.  "Naughty things?"

"On the demon that got Mom and Jess," he admitted, looking up.  "Thank you for specifying dark colors."

Xander grinned at him.  "I'd look sucky in pink.  You're the only one of us who might be able to pull it off.  Maybe Tara depending on the shade."  He covered his eyes again.  "I only have research this morning, right?"

Tara cast the sleep spell, letting him nap.  "We can handle it for a few hours," she told the brothers.  Who both smiled and nodded at her wisdom.

Bobby walked in, watching Xander nap in the chair.  "He that exhausted from shopping by picture?"

"They wanted him in light pink tight pants," Dean told him.  He went back to his reading.

"Ah.  Headache.  Got it."  He came over to get his own research materials.  "How soon can we work on this other problem?"

Sam smiled.  "If they're coming during the coronation they'll be in trouble."  Tara nodded at that.  "You two figure out how to do that while we go over the battle plans again."

"Got 'em done," Dean said with a point.  He went back to his reading.  "That tainting by Xander might help the most," he said quietly.  "He'll be considered a demon lord once he's taken the seat or whatever."

Tara nodded.  "It could help but that would put these people in danger."

"Xander said he won't attack up here," Dean reminded her.

She pushed over something.  "A more complete plan."  He read it over then grinned at her.  "That has the same elements but it adds more."  She smiled shyly.  "I've been watching him now and then.  Buffy doesn't."

"Good point," Dean agreed.  He went back over it, making two changes.  "Can we do those?"  She nodded quickly.  "Good.  Sammy, this is how we're protecting you," he said, handing it over.  Then he stood up.  "I need to go work on my leg.  Tara, coming?  You make a good cheerleader.  Even if I can't see you in the slutty outfits some of them wear."  She pinched him.  "Ow," he said playfully, earning a swat too.  "Fine, be that way."

"You need swatted more often."  She walked out with him, going to help him with his therapy for his leg.  He needed to be in better shape before the coronation.

Bobby took it from Sam's hand to read over then handed it back.  "We can do that."

"That'll tie me to him," he pointed out.

Bobby looked at him.  "I'm betting that family protector thing would too."

"Good point."  He went back to his studying.  He wanted to know exactly what doing this meant before he agreed.  Even if it would protect him.

Bobby nudged Xander's foot when he started to snore, making him shift onto his side and curl up in the chair.  He shook his head.  Xander was very unique.  Very strange but very strong and very unique.  It was like looking at a slightly warped version of Dean some days.

***

Buffy looked up as Clem walked into the shop, smiling at him.  "New good news or bad news?"

"Xander's frustrating all the clothing design people, Buffy.  They want him in something flashy, like the old lord would wear.  Something adorable, slightly tight, and clearly showing off his station.  He's turned down their designs twice now and they're not hopeful for the next set either, even if they do take out the pink colors."

Buffy gave him the oddest look.  "Pink?  On Xander?"

"No, on Dean and Sam.  They wanted to dress Xander in a more royal dark goldish color."  She burst out laughing.  "With a loose, flowing shirt, tight pants, and a robe."

She shook her head, still snickering.  "Yeah, I can't see him going for that.  Not even if Tara could talk him into it."  Willow and Giles came out to listen in.  "They're working on the formal clothing for the coronation.  They want Dean and Sam in pink and tight pants, and then Xander in a darker goldish color.  And probably tight pants too."  Clem nodded.  "Plus robes.  Tara's got to be rolling her eyes at them."

"My poor witch," she sighed.

Clem nearly jumped out of his seat.  "We heard you were out of town on a vacation, Willow."

"I got released back for the unkidnaping," she said bluntly.

"Ah....."  He winced.  "If you do their whole people could die and they will kill you to protect the people up there."  He looked at her.  "They're peaceful sorts.  They don't even have a military.  The guards can barely hurt people.  The rumors are saying that some demons want to take out their holy spring."

Buffy nodded.  "That's what we've found too.  They're allergic to sugar so the sacred spring offends them because they crave it."

"It's still wrong!" Willow said firmly.  "Xander can't lead anyone!  He can barely lead his work site."

"How're they going to fight if they don't have a military?"  John walked in.  "Clem heard that they're frustrating the clothing people by not letting them dress them as gay boys in a parade.  They want your boys in pink."

"Dean might be able to carry that color off now and then but probably not the most manly look for him," he said patiently.

"How would they defend against an entire enemy army with just Xander?" Willow asked him.

He considered it.  "Sam said that they don't have a military but they do have royal and spring guards.  They also have a prison population that has a two percent violent crimes rate.  So I'm guessing.....  I'd give the prisoners the option to fight and put some guards over their units to train them."  She gaped.  He shrugged.  "It's a sound tactic.  The US used it in Vietnam."  He looked at Clem.  "Are they getting frustrated with the boys?"

"Only the clothing people."  He cleared his throat again.  "They have said that anyone trying to take Xander back would be killed for treason."  John groaned.  "Now, there is a way Xander can keep himself from being married to your sons and we're thinking he's probably going to do that because it might help protect Sam from *his* threat for a bit."  John nodded at that, slowly but he nodded.  "But we're not sure.  We're also not sure if any of the other heirs will challenge him to combat for the job.  He might name one an heir.  We don't know, Mr. Winchester.  We do know that there's a sacred ceremony at the spring then a parade, then the swearing in.  If there's combat, that part can take days."

"I understand why," John agreed, trying to stay calm.  "So they won't have to marry him?"

"If he's doing what's being thought about, he'll make them his family's protectors.  Basically like a right hand, like you see in the mob movies?  Like that for him.  Which would mean that demon would technically have to at least try to get Xander to get Sam.  But.... that sort doesn't always play by the most civilized rules.  So I'm not sure."

"The boys and Tara have been talking about how to protect him."

"Good!"  He stood up.  "So far they're supposed to be fine but they did want you guys warned not to try anything to get Xander and them back during the ceremonies.  They're not a violent people.  This threat isn't well known but some do know and are worried.  The others are worried since this is only their third change of power ever.  Wozaataran gave it up once so they had an heir sworn in, then she died, then he came back."

"I can understand why it's making people nervous but we need them here," John told him.

"Which they understand but they have no idea how to handle things without Wozaataran.  They say the sacred spring weeds out violent instincts in most people.  It's said that he's the only heir who knows how to really *fight*, not just duel for honor.  Of course I've also heard that some are worried that he'll start to torture people now and then too.  They think he's a bit too violent."

Buffy groaned, rubbing her forehead.  "Like when he had the flu last year, Clem?"  He shuddered but nodded.  "Yup, he's miserable and going on stress at the moment."  She sighed.  "Can we get up there sooner to go over plans?"

"No.  They're still shut off.  Just don't be too overt, okay?"

"We won't be," John assured him.  "First I need to talk to my boys then we'll see if they need rescued before that battle coming up."  Clem nodded, leaving to pass on that message.  "Pink?" he said then shuddered.

"In some cultures pink is a good color to be wearing," Buffy told him with a slight grin.  "Like in some cultures you wear white to funerals and black to weddings and red in a wedding dress, even if the US would see it as odd and a bit goth."  She leaned back.  "I think most of Xander's stress could be cured if he could sneak Anya up there, but there's no telling how bad it'll get in the next few weeks.  She's insistent," she told him at his dirty look.  "Multiple times many times a day.  That gets a body used to it."

John grimaced.  "I've never seen anyone that demanding."

"Anya complained when she got less than six a session, John.  Trust me about the demanding stuff."

"Fine.  He could cure that himself."

"I don't think that'll work as well anymore.  I know it doesn't for me."  She shrugged.  "Anyway, so far it sounds like they're okay at least."

"It does.  Or at least that they don't need saved right away.  I had hoped we'd know when the battle was going to be so we could make plans to be there and help them so I could bring the boys back sooner."  He sat down at the research table.  "Any other ideas yet?"

"Not yet," she admitted.  "I'm thinking.  If the coronation is going to last for days, we might be able to get up there to talk to him before the first part and before the parade."

"They'll probably be guarding him harder right now," John said.  "Dean said they upped the guard after a reporter type broke in."

She grimaced.  "I'm so glad I don't have to deal with those."  John smirked but nodded he was too.  "I know you guys have been chatting a lot."

"They had more information about the demon that took out my wife," he said quietly.

"Ah.  Will you need help?  Because I can do what those other slayers did and help you stop him."

"We're looking into that," he assured her, getting a smile.  "There's a few weapons that can kill him instead of just killing his host and banishing him."  She nodded once, understanding that urge.  "We're working on the final plans to protect Sammy.  He might have to stay with Xander for a bit to keep him protected."

"Xander would go insane without anyone to talk to," she said.  "They're going to be complaining to him and his first instinct is to snark back because that's how my team plays."

He nodded.  "Probably not the best thing for a ruler to do," he agreed.  "We'll have to see what's going to happen.  I don't know if it'll be necessary or not.  We need to find out why he's doing this.  What we have is conjecture, not certainty."

"Which can suck but sometimes you gotta go with what you have."

"I know.  I've been tracking this bastard for a very long time, Buffy."

She patted him on the hand.  "I know you have been.  Have you made plans for the party once it's finally gone?"

"I always planned to go talk to my wife's grave and tell her it was finished."  He smiled.  "The boys will probably want to party that night."

"You deserve it after such a long vendetta war, John."  She smirked.  "So said Mom and she's the fount of all thing wise."  She stood up.  "Do you think light green or medium blue?"

He shrugged.  "I know nothing about fashion, Buffy.  I've never cared as long as it wasn't too dirty."

"Eww.  I'd be a mess without clean laundry.  It's bad enough that I end up missing some things from all the goo and ooze and nasty crap like that.  I couldn't wear dirty clothes too."  She went to look at both outfits.  Maybe the shoes she'd be wearing should decide it?  In case she had to slay something during the parade?  She'd be doing some standing that day.  Both had heels but the green outfit had lower, thicker heels.  That might be more comfortable.  She had no idea how Queens did this sort of stuff.  It was hard deciding what to wear.

John shook his head at her naive grace of dodging the important part of the talk.  Sometimes he wondered why Joyce's common sense didn't get spread to her daughter.  Something like that should at least be learned from one's mother if she had it.  If it wasn't genetic.

***

Xander looked at the newest version of their outfits, sighing.  All three designers slumped.  "Better," he admitted.  Dean came over to look since that was as close to praise as he had gotten so far.  "Still way too ....ruffley and lacy though."

Dean pointed at something.  "Take those off.  Take all the ruffles, the train, all the lace, all the things that are 'designer' and leave it plain and simple," he ordered.  "Sam and I can wear green.  Xander can wear black or blue or whatever color is a good omen that's not light or pastel."  The designers perked up at that.  Another version of the outfit was shown.  "Closer.  Still, no train, no ruffles on the sleeves.  Make the pants a bit looser too.  We have to be able to do more than look hot in them."

The third one showed his.  It was horribly plain to his vision but it was closer to what they wanted.  "And I made one for the Lady Tara as well," he offered, showing him that one.

"I like that," Xander admitted, looking at Dean.  "All but the train."

"It is slightly fashionable," he admitted.  "Very upscale of us to have one."

Xander grimaced.  "It'll get dirty while I walk the parade.  I'll probably end up without the robe if I end up in combat but it's ... nice.  Still a bit light."

"That was for show only," he assured him.  The other two pouted.

Dean pointed at the one he had amended.  "I like that one.  It'll be better for me and Sammy, Xander."

"Okay.  Take off all those things he named, you can dress those two."  He looked at the guy that was left out.  "I'll need you to make sure Bobby's appropriately attired even if he's only going to be in the crowd."

"I can do so," he assured him firmly.  "I hope my designs meet up for your next formal event, Lord Xander."

"I have to hold more?" he asked, looking horrified.

They all smiled.  "Diplomats like such things," he agreed.  He left quickly.  He could come measure the hunter later.

Tara came over to look at the dress design, pointing at one.  "I like that one," she said quietly.

The designer looked at it then at her.  "You do have a body you can show off, Lady Tara.  It's not sinful."

"She's shy," Xander said firmly.  "And in a committed relationship with the witch Rosenburg."  That got a shudder.  "She does like corset dresses though."  He pointed at the one he liked.  "How about that one?  It's probably going to be cool enough to not overheat in the long sleeves?"

She tipped her head to look at them, taking the others he had brought.  The other designer showed off his as well.  He had been sketching while she looked.  She pointed at one.  "Like that but in a lighter green and with the top of this one?" she suggested, pointing at another one.  That got a nod and they went to work on hers as well.  She gave Xander a hug.  "Thank you."

"You're welcome.  You're keeping me sane, Tara."  She smiled and left him alone to brood.  Not that he'd admit it, but yeah, he was brooding.  Again.  This was not what he expected out of his life.

Dean and Sam got taken by the guards to be measured.  It was weird but the fitter didn't try to touch them outside of measuring them.  They could appreciate that.  Dean pulled in the weapons he'd be carrying so they could account for that.  That got a silent nod of thanks and the fitter made notes on how heavy they were, where they'd be placed, and what sort of bulk they'd have.

Tara was measured in there so she wouldn't have to squeak in fear.  Lord Xander might hurt them if they scared her.  She picked out a very pretty, subtle patterned fabric for her new dress.  Bobby complained some but oh well.  Lord Xander's word was law in this matter.

Xander's fitting was much more thorough since they'd have to dress him multiple times throughout his reign.  All the designers got copies of his measurements, and a few press people somehow got them too.  He did have very good muscles.  So did his mates.

***

Xander woke up on the morning of the coronation, looking at the ceiling.  He wanted to run.  He wanted to run *so* bad.  He knew if he did, he'd be hunted down and brought back tranquilized, which wouldn't look good on any of them.  He looked over at the bed.  Dean and Sam had been making plans late into the night so they had collapsed together on the huge bed.  Tara was across the foot of it.  He saw Bobby in his doorway and nodded, getting a smirk back as he took a picture of it.  Xander got up with a yawn, heading for the bathroom.  He really had to be clean today.  It'd look bad if he was filthy.  He usually wouldn't care but until that stupid battle was over with, he'd have to care.  He didn't rush, knowing that they'd be impatient but oh well.  He wanted every crevice and crack cleaned this time.  He came out in towel around his waist, finding the designer there.  "Let me find underwear and socks," he said quietly, heading for his closet.

"What is this underwear?" he asked, following him.  Xander gave him a funny look.  "Is it formal?"

"No, it's so you don't hang out," he said dryly, putting some on.  The guy seriously looked like they had never heard of the stuff.  So maybe this whole race were kinky chocolate lovers instead of just being chocolate lovers?  He put on socks and pulled out the sneakers he had cleaned specially for this.  The designer gave them a funny look too.  "They're comfortable for walking."

"Oh, I see.  Not formal wear but probably appropriate."  He handed him the outfit, helping him into the robe once he was finished with his shirt and pants.  He looked him over.  "You could use some decoration.  It's very plain, Lord Xander."

Xander shrugged.  "I'm a plain guy."  He grabbed a belt to put on, adding his weapons under his robe.  They had made allowances to hide them.  That got a nod and he walked out doing up the buckle.  He stopped to let Bobby look him over.  "Do I look like I'm going to my doom?"

"Yup," he agreed dryly.  "Or going to be married.  About the same really."

Xander grinned.  "Thanks, Bobby.  They said it'll be about two hours out there then the walk back is just under two miles."  That got a nod.  "Have fun getting sleepy, cranky, and Sam up."

"It'll be fine.  Go.  Do what you gotta do to protect these folk.  We'll see you in a few hours, Xander."  Xander nodded, walking out with the guards.  Bobby let the door slam, making Dean flinch awake.  "You got about two, two and a half hours," he said.

Dean groaned, getting up and limping to the shower.  Sam could take the last one.  Tara would take longer because of her hair.  Dean would need time to make sure the medicine he'd need today had time to settle into his system.

"Twenty more," Sam mumbled when Dean slammed the bathroom door.

Tara yawned, stretching out, nearly falling off the bed.  "Shoot."

Bobby smiled.  "You make a good foot warmer, Tara girl.  Dean's in the bathroom."  She nodded, going to use the potty then wait on him.  She needed to brush the knots out of her hair before she washed it anyway.  Bobby took his own before he got Sam up.  Tara was using Xander's dressing area since it had a small seat in front of a floor-to-ceiling mirror for her to do her hair in.

The designers came in to get them ready, not watching as Tara retreated to the bathroom to get dressed in private.  Dean whistled when she came out, earning a blush.  "You look hot, Tara."

"I'm a taken witch," she teased back.  "But you clean up pretty well too, Dean."  She pinched his cheek.  "Your leg?"

"It'll be fine and I'll be leaning on his axe if I need to."  She nodded at that as she sat down to put on her shoes.  The designer brushed down the robe to make her less lint covered from the wrapping paper it had been in.  Sam was still half asleep when they dressed him.  Dean got them all coffee then they brushed their teeth before heading out.  Bobby and Tara got to hit the crowd around them.  Dean and Sam had to wait on Xander to appear on the main stairs to the palace.

***

Xander took his ritual gulp of chocolate, closing his eyes as the vision hit.  It hurt like a bitch but he wouldn't collapse.  Talk about looking bad.  He let it flow through and over him, mentally swearing at the content. The demon was coming soon for Sam.  He opened his eyes, finding one of the Oracles giving him an odd look.  "Is that normal?" he whispered.

She shook her head.  "No.  It must have been important to nurture your latent gift into a full-blown one, Lord Lavetella.  See us after all the fuss is done with to go over it."  He whispered in her ear, getting a grimace.  "It could be that some of it will not be true.  It could also be that he'll know that you had it and work to go around whatever you're planning.  The main points would still be salient though."

He nodded, bowing slightly.  "Thank you for that advice."  He looked at the curious looking onlookers.  "I had a small vision just then.  She was interpreting for me."  That got a cheer from the group.  It was apparently a good omen even if it was a bad one?  Okay then.  He waved a hand.  "Let us go to meet with the rest of the people."  They walked around him, letting him lead them back once they got to the bottom of the hill.  He found his guards waiting, nodding at them.  "Shall we?"

"We need to wait for one thing, Lord Xander.  One of the musicians is ill."

Xander looked at her.  "Much happiness on your future child," he told her.  She beamed and got ready to perform.  The guard gave him a smug look.  "All kids should be happy.  No one should have parents like some I've seen," he said quietly.

"Here, we have people who watch those things and act swiftly," the guard assured him. "Your town's former mayor stopped them before."  Xander smirked at that tidbit.  The music started an they walked up the road from the spring to the palace.  The crowds started out small but quickly got to scary, arena concert levels.  All chanting his name.  Some crying, some in near hysterics.  He gave the guards an uneasy look, getting a calm one back.  So he kept walking.  It was a really long hike.  He'd have to take up jogging to the spring and back most days to keep in shape since he wouldn't be building things up here.

***

John found his spot near Bobby, giving him a pinch to let him know they were there.  Bobby smirked and pointed at the stairs.  John looked.  His boys.  They looked nice he guessed though he didn't understand why they were wearing robes.  Dean was clearly leaning on the battle axe but that was reasonable with his injury.  "How are they?" he asked quietly.

"They're fine.  Dean's nearly back.  Just some residual pain and stiffness he's working on.  Sam woke up grumpy but he's fine too."  John nodded at that, glancing around.  Buffy had hugged Tara and was beside her.  Willow was behind Buffy since someone wouldn't move to let her have Tara's other side.  Bobby was clearly protecting the shy witch.  John looked around.  "There's a lot of people."

Bobby pointed.  "They're the ones who sent that letter," he said quietly.  He nudged Buffy and told her that, whispering in her ear.  She nodded, staring at them.  The demon quickly faded back into the crowd.  He caught Dean's eye, nodding that way.  He got a slight nod back.  Dean shifted his weight some.  Sam glanced around the crowd.  He nodded at their father, nudging Dean to say something to him.  Dean smirked at their dad then went back to watching the crowd.

***

Xander finally made it to the palace, smiling at the ones beside the guardrail.  He paused in front of the stairs, looking up at his buddies.  Then he turned to look at them.  "I'm not one to make speeches," he told the crowd, getting silence.  "I'm not one who likes to make speeches.  I'm told it's customary here so I'll try."  He took a deep, calming breath like Willow had taught him once.  "I will do my best to help and protect the people of this realm.  Even if I'm not the most proper of people and I don't always have the best manners.  I will do what I can to protect you all from any dangers that may come, internal or external.

"I hope you can put up with me, but if I get too annoying let me know somehow.  I'm told that's the purpose of editorials in the newspapers."  A few laughed at that.  He took another breath.  "Today is a change for all of us.  We'll learn about each other as we move on.  Let me know what you need and I'll see what I can do, but I'm not going to be stiffly formal and I'm not going to be that polite.  I was raised a simple, dedicated man and I'll always be one.  Let it be known that the changes should be helpful to all."  The crowd cheered.  He walked up to stand beside Dean and Sam, getting nods from them.  "We have to talk, I had a vision at the spring," he hissed before turning around to face the crowd.

The head of the council walked up to him.  "Lord Lavetella, we have searched long and hard for you.  Do you swear to protect your people as you would your family?"

"I do.  They are my people now."  That got a new cheer.

The head of the council smiled.  "Do you pledge that you are indeed the heir we sought?"

"So it was told to me," he agreed.  "No one told me I was adopted into the people until I got ill."

"That is fine.  We verified it through many means?"

"Two hunters and another two seers verified it.  Plus the guards kept track of us."

"Good."  He looked at his book then at him.  "Lord Lavetella, do you swear to do what is best for these people?  Including providing an heir?"

"I have no idea where an heir would come from at this time but I am not against naming one of the other heirs as my own until one comes from my seed."  He grimaced.  "I have not interviewed to see which I would choose yet.  May I have a week after the celebrations to find that one?"

"You may," he agreed, looking surprised.  "That would be a workable solution for the whole of the Council and the people."  That got a cheer from the higher ups.  He bowed.  "The last true heir gave up his post.  He must agree to his choice."

"I welcome hearing from him," Xander said ritually.

The last heir walked up the stairs, his dark, messy hair blowing in the light breeze.  His clothes were actually pressed and he looked presentable.  He bowed to Xander.  "I willingly give up my claim to the throne, Lavetella.  It is not in me to rule a people."

Xander smiled.  "If you say so.  Do you wish to petition to be my heir?"

"No.  I'd mess up."

"I said the same thing," Xander hissed, earning a smile.  "Thank you for your honesty.  We are here for you as we are for all the others."

"Thank you."  He bowed and left them alone.  The next heir came up and it was repeated.  That one did want considered so his name was taken down by a guard.  The one after him wanted to challenge him.

"So be it," Xander agreed.  "Do you want to do this now or wait to see how many others challenge me and do them all at once?"  The snobby heir glared at him.  "As you called it I'll give you that choice.  That way the people don't have to wait for all the other heirs who don't want it to go through their giving up vows."

"We'll go now, as is proper.  If you were really one of us, you'd know that."

Xander took off his robe, handing it to Dean.  "What method of combat did you want?"

"Duels are formally acceptable."

"Fine, then I choose swords," he said, grabbing his off his back.  "Shall we?"  He waved a hand at a clear spot on the street.  The guy gave him a horrified look.  Xander walked down there.  "I'm waiting and you're making this day drag on," he said when the guy didn't follow him.

"You're obviously rude and uncultured," he sneered.  "Unlike our people."

Xander shrugged.  "I didn't know I was adopted until I was kept away from chocolate for a few days.  While my upbringing wasn't privileged, I do know how to protect the people from the worst things coming for them."  The heir gave him a horrified look.   "Are you done posturing yet?  Speech does not a duel make.  If you have enough honor to duel, you should be able to do more than talk a good game."

"You're uncivilized."

"Yay me.  I'm also a defender so I'm not going to attack you first for your arrogance."

"How do you think you could rule us?  You have no heirs!  You have no skills!"

"I have plenty of skills.  As for heirs, I can pick one of the rest of us.  One who has subtlety and won't be trying his hand at removing me to get more power of his own.  One who can dance the polite verbal dances with the politicians I'll end up pissing off sometime to repair any breaks I might cause.  Since you openly attacked me, that clearly leaves you out."  The heir looked startled, staring at him.  "I don't attack first unless you're attacking an innocent," he told him quietly.  "If you want it, come get it."  The guy grunted and lunged.  Xander easily sidestepped and knocked his blade out of the way then pinned him down by clotheslining him across the throat.  He stared down at him.  "Do I meet your qualifications now?" he asked dryly.  The heir gurgled but nodded.  He stepped back.  He waved off the guards.  "It's good he's worried about his people's well being.  It's what a good heir would do.  Even if he doesn't have the qualities I'd need, he clearly thinks about what the job means.  I'm sure I won't have any more problems out of him," he said, staring him down.

"No, Lord Lavetella.  No problems from me or my family," he promised, bowing to him.  He melded back into the crowd.

Xander walked back up to his spot, taking back his robe.  He smiled at Miss Kitty when she rubbed against his leg.  "Feeling left out?" he teased, reaching down to pet her.  He stood up again.  "My friend's familiar is an excellent judge of character.  Plus she's curious, as all cats are."

Dean snorted.  "She tried to climb Sammy a few minutes ago," he said quietly.

"Of course.  He looks like a giant tree."  Sam gave him a low-powered scowl.  He looked at the head of the council.  "Are there more heirs?"

"Yes, Lord Lavetella.  Nearly a hundred-thirty more."  He called the next one forward.  He wanted included in the heir hunt but gladly gave up his claim to the main throne and backed back into the crowd.

***

Xander looked up a few days later as a guard walked up in front of him.  "Tell me there's no more heirs?" he begged.

"It's a day of rest, Lord Xander.  Tomorrow you'll face the last seventy."  Xander groaned, sipping his cocoa.  "You should be inside."

Xander looked up at him.  "I needed peace and quiet, plus some clean air that didn't have fussy people."

"I understand. All leaders need peace and quiet to clear their thoughts.  We'll set a guard up the road but I do believe you're about to be interrupted."  He turned to find John Winchester staring at them.  "Lord Xander?"

"This is Dean and Sam's father.  Leave him alone.  If he pisses me off that badly I'm marrying his sons."  John smirked at that, sitting beside him on the stairs.  "It's a rest day."

"Every culture has some sort of one," he agreed.  The guard walked off shaking his head.  "That's a weak threat."

"I have a headache," he admitted, finishing his cocoa.  "The boys are probably in Dean's PT room by now."

"They're in the pool with Tara and Buffy.  Dean thought you'd be out here pulling out your hair, kid."

"No, I'll do what I have to so the people are protected.  What I've seen of the other heirs only the true heir knows what protecting someone else means."  John nodded he had seen the same thing.  He looked at him.  "We gotta talk about the vision I had at the spring."

"Sam told me you had one.  Bad?"

"The demon's coming soon.  He will try to come through me, no matter what we do, unless we do something gallantly stupid."

John considered it.  "That goes back to that tainting idea, right?"

"Probably.  If he's up here, the demon can't take him but he is trying to gather the others he's tainted."

"I figured he would be.  We're ready to face him."  Xander stared at him.  "You don't think so, kid?"

Xander shook his head.  "He wants Sam for a specific reason.  I don't know why but he's his favorite choice.  Hence Jess," he said quietly.  John flinched.  "All I saw was that the demon was pleased when he found someone to love.  His college years were his time out."

John nodded.  "Waiting until his plan was ready to spring. Taking out Jess meant that he had a desire to take him out."

"No, John, like you he wants to beat his ass.  That means meeting in person and gives the demon a chance to win legally and officially."  John flinched, giving him a hard look.  He stared back.  "If he can beat Sam, then he can claim him, even if Sam escapes."

John grimaced.  "Would he be safer up here?"

Xander shrugged.  "I know he can't call him from here but we know the demon's not above using you and Dean to get him where they want him to go.  After all, that fire could've went off long before she called you up to the nursery."  John grimaced but nodded at that fact.  He hadn't thought of that before.  "For some reason he wants all Winchesters as his chosen, not just Sam.  Dean has his own strengths.  You might be expendable and a pawn but he wants Dean for something.  Maybe to help Sam, maybe to protect and guard him.  I don't know.  I can't figure that part out."

John considered it.  "I can understand what you're seeing, kid.  It does make sense.  Especially with Jess.  He had no reason to go after her."

"The timing was suspicious too," he pointed out.  "Minutes after Dean got Sam home after his first hunt in four years?  Why not sooner.  Sam would've hunted down you and Dean to help him most likely."

"I would've been there instantly if he had done that some other time.  As it was, I split off from Dean to protect him because I heard the demon was nosing around me and I had a good lead on him."  He looked the kid over.  "You're not bad at strategy."

"D&D," he said with a slight grin.  "I learned all sorts of campaigning playing with geeks who want to rule the world."  John smirked, shaking his head as he stood up.  Xander stood up too, bringing his cocoa mug inside.  He handed it to a guard.  "Tell them to quit trying to make me goofy by feeding me that much from the spring?"

"Yes, Lord Xander."

Xander stopped and stared at him.  "The spring.  It does what to us?" he asked in his ear.  The guard hissed back the usual properties.  "Not that.  The life one."  That got explained.  Xander smirked.  "That is not a bad thing to know."  He walked off with John.  "The holy spring can prolong lives," he said quietly.  "I didn't realize that.  Or that Dean and Sam have been given some too."  John stared at him.  Xander shrugged.  "When I got dosed, they got dosed."

John's mind was spinning at the implications of that one.  "I need Sammy to stay up here, Xander."

"He'll try to get him to come after you two somehow."

"I don't care."

Xander nodded.  "Then the family's protectors should be helping me, John.  Do you want Dean?"

"No.  I want my boys safe.  If he wants my boys, he goes through me."

Xander stopped him to look at him.  "If you're not a pawn, John, you'll be playing into his hand.  He can call more hosts to handle you.  Or he could kill you.  That would up the angst quotient and make them less than rational."

"I know.  It'll be fine, kid.  Thanks though."

"You tell 'em, I'm not."

"I can do that."  They went into the PT room, heading for the pool.  He pointed at Tara and Bobby, getting a shrug back.  He cleared his throat.  "Boys, with that vision, I need you two to stay up here for a bit longer."

Dean looked up at him from his spot floating.  "No way in hell," he said firmly.  "Sammy, you feel like being protected?"

"Nope.  His ass is mine just as much as his ass is yours, Dad."

"Sam," Xander said, sitting on the side of the pool.  "The vision clarified something for me."  Sam stared at him.  "Why take out Jess?"  Sam stared.  Dean nearly drowned by flipping over and trying to stand up.  He bobbed back up spluttering and swam over to be next to his brother.  "If she was part of his plan, why do it *then*?  There were better moments.  Ones that would piss you off more and make you hunt down your family and beg to get back into the field.  Ones that'd send you after him so he could take you sooner."

"His plans has a time code built in."

"That's not until five months from now," Xander pointed out.  "He could have left you at Stanford, happy until he was ready to rip it from you and take you at that vulnerable, emotional, pissed point.  Because I saw you researching how to summon him."

Sam nodded once.  "I did."

"That is a good question.  Why take out Jess?" Dean asked.

"Because it made him hurt," John said, sitting next to Xander.  "We're not sure if he wants all three of us or just you two, boys.  Dean's special in a lot of ways.  Otherwise he probably would've taken Jess out at some other point, one to make Sammy do it on his own instead of doing it just when Dean would see, realize what was going on, and save you, Sammy."

Sam stared at his father.  "It's still my battle."

"True, but it was my battle first.  If at all possible, I'll let you help me kill him.  For right now, it's too dangerous."

Buffy looked over.  "I've had funky slayer dreams about a black eyed demon taking people who were marked by him.  It's like they glow to me.  Regular people don't but they do."  She smiled at Sam.  "We can help protect you and help you kick its ass, Sammy."

Sam looked at her.  "I understand the urge, guys.  I don't want to face him by myself, or really in person.  I'd rather have a weapon that would kill him from a distance.  Especially with what he needs one of us for."

Xander coughed.  "Sam, just opening that gate isn't a real plan.  If he opens the door to hell, then he's just another demon.  One of the rank and file again."  Sam glared at him.  "Think, Sam.  He opens the gate and then they party in South Dakota?"

"He needs Sam or whoever his chosen is to help him earn status by claiming souls," Dean said, getting it.  Xander shrugged but nodded.  "Best guess or vision?"

"Best guess," he admitted.  "Probably one of those nasty good vs evil battles that they write sagas and epic poems about.  Because if he got Sam, he'd probably get you too, Dean.  You'd do anything to protect Sam."  Dean nodded that was true.  "Sam's not a warrior born.  He doesn't think in strategy and manpower.  You do when you need to.  Sam's charismatic, the same as you are, but Sam could probably puppy eye people into joining his army or pledging allegiance to him.  Plus, with what Sam's shown of his powers in the past, he's probably the stronger target.  Plus he knows what demons can and can't do.  He's realistic about how much damage they can do.  Are the others?"

Dean considered it.  "None of the others knew about demons as far as I remember."  He looked at Sam.  "So you've got the right skill mix and the leanings.  That's why you're his favorite choice?"

"It could be," Sam agreed.  He was leaning on his crossed arms on the side of the pool.  "So what do we do?  Since hiding isn't in my agenda."

"First, he can't pull you from here or the hellmouth," John said.

"He might be able to get around the hellmouth now that the mayor isn't there," Tara corrected quietly.  "But he'd have to work really hard.  He'd have to physically be in town."

"Which we'd hear about, right?" Buffy asked.

Tara shrugged.  "Maybe.  Probably if we put the word out."

"So even if the boys come back, they need to stay in Sunnydale," Bobby said.

"Or Cleveland or one of the other hellmouths," Tara agreed.  "There's five or six."  She looked at Sam.  "If John isn't wanted by the demon for some reason, he's a pawn, Sam.  Something to get you both to the point where you are and now he'll use him to draw you both out.  So he needs to stay safe as well."

"It doesn't sit right dragging him to us."

"No, but it is something we can plan easier," Xander pointed out.  "The hellmouth isn't a devils gate and it goes to multiple hell dimensions.  Tara, do we know if it goes to the same one he'd be in touch with?"

"No."

"I asked Giles if it'd be the same as a hellmouth opening.  He said that the sort of thing he was trying to open was like a single realm doorway," Buffy said.  "If we can find what realm, we can make sure he can't channel or pull open the hellmouth to help him."

"I can do that," Willow said.  "I'm linked into it to keep it closed."

Xander looked at her.  "We do know how dangerous that is?"  She grimaced but nodded.  "Good.  We miss the good you sometimes."  He stared her down, making her look away.  "Like any junkie, once you're through rehab, we'll rebuild."

She nodded.  "Thank you, Xander."

"Welcome, Wills."  He looked at the boys again then at John.  "Do you want to stay or do it there?"

He considered it.  "There.  He can't get up here."

"He can get a minion up here.  The guards said that they've seen two who're possessed by his sort of demon.  Probably associated, possibly not.  I'd lay odds that they at least knew about it and would probably taunt him with the information they had at the very least."  He looked at Sam again.  "You also need to relook at what benefits the sacred spring gives us since you got some at the same time I did when we first got up here," he said slowly and clearly, staring into his green eyes.  Sam shivered but nodded, getting out to look that up.  He looked at Dean.  "I want to protect him, even if there is a battle.  Being the family's protector I can step in front of him while you and John kill the bastard.  And yes, I know he'll fuss.  I'd throw a fit."

"He'll probably be doing that afterward if you don't tell him beforehand to let him do it then."

"Which is why we need to pick a way to protect him today.  The vision said it was soon.  I was still wearing slightly formal clothes when he tried his crap.  You weren't.  You were in jeans and stuff."

"Good to know.  How absolute was it?"

"I asked one of the Oracles that.  She said it might change some details if he knows and tries to counter it.  The basics, that he's coming, he still wants Sam, and the reasons I saw behind things, are still valid."

"Just not the when and where," Dean finished.  Xander nodded.  "Okay.  We can work with that.  Buffy, we need to know where he is and when he hits Sunnydale."

"Got it," she agreed, calling the Magic Box.  Giles could spread that word through Spike.

Xander took the phone when she started to talk to Spike.  "It's me.  Sam and Dean Winchester are the family protectors of my new clan, Spike.  Am I clear?"  He smirked.  "Good.  Though I did tell them that you had given up claim on me.  The guards were horrified that I might end up being Dru's pet."  He smirked.  "Even better.  No, he wants Sam badly as his chosen.  Think of a darker version of what Buffy is and then move on from there."  He nodded.  "Exactly.  We need to know the minute he's in town.  Even if we're up here."  He handed the phone back, standing up and looking down at Dean.  "Did you see the knee brace I had in the supply boxes?"

"I used it during all the standing," he said dryly.  He heaved himself out, taking a towel from Bobby to dry off with.  "Let's go calm down Sammy."  They headed that way, Dean limping a little bit but that was fine with him.  Sam let out a scream before they opened the door.  "Bad news?"

"The sacred spring, if continually ingested, grants eternal healthfulness and longevity."

Xander nodded.  "I thought I had seen that.  You guys got some when I did when we first got up here.  So like me, that means you guys need to be aware of your chocolate intake daily."  He stared Sam down.  The other guy nodded at that.  "Which also means it's really hard for him to kill you, Sam."  Sam relaxed.  "Especially with me in front of you since you'd be mine to protect.  That's part of being the family's protector."  He patted him on the head.  "Spike's spreading news to watch for him, even if we're up here.  We'll use this day of rest to work out plans on what's going to happen when he does show up.  Since he can't pull you from here, that'll mean he'll have to."  He sat down while Dean put on clothes.

"Xander, this is a Winchester war," Sam protested.

"Sam, by giving you that chocolate with me and them deciding that we're at least close enough for the protector status, you're now my family and clan.  That makes it just as much my duty as it does yours."  He stared him down.  "Because you're going to need Buffy's help, even with a super weapon."

"He's getting more desperate," Buffy agreed.  "The first one of us who stopped him had it pretty easy.  She just got him out of his host.  It didn't say how.  That ended that attempt and she died taking out all the demons waiting around the devil's gate to revel with their buddies.  The other two that had to help about did the same thing, but they had a longer fight as it was recorded.  One ended up taking out him and his chosen one."  She shrugged.  "I don't know how.  They didn't write that down.  But we do have evidence that there's a lot of demons moving that way from what some of Spike's contacts heard.  Even the geek trio have  heard and wanted to know how they could help," she told Xander.

He nodded.  "The Buffybot might help," he agreed.  She beamed and wrote them an email, getting information back.  Xander looked over their shoulders, grinning.  "I like our geeks.  Sure, they can handle that part while we're up here if they want to."  He patted her on the back of the head, making her pat down her hair.  "Also, Buff, if we need her, do we think we can spring Faith?"  She gave him a horrified look.  "If the last one was stopped and killed by the hundreds of demons that her watcher quoted...."

"Shit, yeah, we'll need her won't we."  She sent that email to someone else.  Her mom would read it to Giles since he never wanted to get near a computer.  "How will we make sure she'll stay good, Xander?"

"Buffy, she's not bad.  She's been following the slayer spirit's urgings."  He stared her down.  "We *all* screwed up with Faith and owe her an apology for trying to make her be you.  She's not you and we basically pushed her at the Mayor.   Of course she went.  She didn't have someone to balance those urges out."  She nodded, grimacing some.  "After that, she's been reacting.  Plus, I think you'll see that prison has changed her."

"You talked to her?"

"I had one of the guards check on her for me recently and silently drop off a letter.  I've been writing to her but she never wrote back before.  This time she did."  He grinned.  "I think Faith'll be fine, Buffy.  She needs more support, like you got from Giles and your mom.  She's never had that."

"Never?"

Xander shook his head.  "Her parents and mine?  A lot alike."

"Oh."  She nodded quickly.  "I can see helping her without being pushy and bringing her to sleepovers.  Because I doubt she'd want that.  But definitely helping her I can do.  Do you think I should go visit?"

"It might be nice but they're not letting anyone visit right now.  Some problem in the prison's going on."

"Shoot."

"You'd have to wait nearly a month anyway."  He patted her on the head again, making her push back down her hair.  "You have static," he teased.

"I know.  Up here needs dryer sheets in the air."  She looked at John.  "If we do, can you help Faith?  She's not a bad girl if Xander's right."

"I can do that," he agreed.  She beamed at him.  "How soon before he can open it?"

"Six weeks," Xander said.  "That's his appointed date.  Oh, Sam, did you get any visions about his next attempt starting?"

"Huh?" Dean asked.

"If he can only open it every twenty-five years, he's got his next set of possible chosen already marked," Buffy pointed out.  Dean gaped.  She stared back.  "If he can only mark them at one point....."

"Shit," Dean muttered.

"I got a flash of a baby," Sam said.  "Plus we did meet that one little one, Dean.  Clearly one of the ones the demon marked."  Dean stared at him.  He stared back.

"That's true.  We'll do what we can," he agreed.  "How many were marked?"

"I've been doing web searches for others that had the same thing happen.  House fires with six-month-old babies," Willow admitted.  "I've caught four that fit the profile we have perfectly and another three that are possibles.  In Sam's first year I caught ten I think total that fit the profile."

"A few probably died in childhood," Dean said.

"However he's marking them is probably what makes Sammy such a demon magnet," Bobby pointed out.  "Other demons can probably sense it somehow."

Xander nodded.  "That's probably up there with hellmouth baby taint from me for drawing it, right?" he asked the older hunter.

"Probably," he agreed.  "Though, if Sammy ever turns into the magnet you are, I'd spank him myself."  Dean snickered.  John just moaned and shook his head.

"Wouldn't Willow have that?" Buffy asked.  "That'd blow the theory, right?"

"We moved into town when I was two," Willow told her.  "Xander was born inside the mystical limits of the hellmouth."

"My mom was too drunk to realize she was in labor," Xander said cheerfully.  "Dad was too drunk to drive her anyway.  I'm one of a few in the last few centuries.  Nearly the longest lived on ours.  Another year and I will be."

"The hellmouth is keeping him until it finds a bidder it likes to own him," Bobby told Buffy.  "If he had magic he'd be in bigger trouble."

"No, magic goes wrong around him," Buffy said firmly.  "Very, very wrong sometimes."  She glared at him.

He gave her a smug look back.  "Only that one spell.  Willow's had to work magic around and on me before.  And hey, the First Slayer spell didn't go wrong and I was doing part of it."  She gaped then whimpered, shaking her head.

Willow stared, mouth slightly open.  "It still goes wrong around you, Xander.  The will spell...."

"Made me the demon magnet you wanted," he countered.  She swallowed.  "That wasn't me, Willow.  That was you wanting some OCD time over Fate.  I asked one of the guys up here about the love spell incident.  He said it could have been Amy's mistake that made it backfire, it could've been the fact that I wasn't really in love with Cordelia, or it could've been hormones at the time.  At that age, magic goes screwy for everyone due to their hormone surges."

"I had good control," she pouted.

"Uh-huh."  He stared at her until she blushed and looked away.  "A lot of the problems you had with spells, when I asked them since they popped around to check on us  now and then, was the fact you mismeasure potions.  You throw in 'this should be' amounts."  She groaned, rubbing her face.  "Magic is a science, Willow, not a cooking test.  That's a direct quote one kept muttering over and over about you while you were doing that love potion."

"Ooooh.  I tossed that out."

"Because it sent half a dorm floor into a rut," he countered.

"How did you know about that?  I thought no one knew," she squeaked.

He smirked.  "They found all those.  That one kindly removed them for me."  He stared her down.  "If I ever catch you using memory spells again, you won't make it to Oklahoma," he said quietly.

"I know why it's wrong."

"Good.  Because mystical friend abuse is bad too."

She nodded.  "I get the point, Xander."

"Good.  Then when you're better, I won't nag."  She nodded, accepting that.

"Memory spells?" John asked.

"Yup.   He said something about herbs and lethe brambles?"

John glared at Willow.  "You ever do that and I will make sure you're declared a rogue, Willow Rosenburg.  That's far against the side of light."  She nodded, ducking her head further.

"Memory spells?" Tara asked.

"No, I had them check," Xander told her.  She smiled at him.  "When they found two on me, I made sure.  He took one off Joyce too."  Buffy glared.  "She apparently walked in on her doing something.  So she'll be going to Oklahoma on the way back.  We shouldn't need magic to deal with this demon, right, John?"

"No.  We shouldn't need it outside of some protections around Sammy.  Which Tara can probably do."

"I can agree to that," Willow said quietly.  Tara gave her a hug.  "Thanks, Tara."

"You're getting help.  As long as you get help, we'll support you."

She smiled and kissed her on the cheek.  "Thank you."  She relaxed again.  "If he doesn't show up in time, should we plan on a summoning?"

"Why?" Xander asked.  "Sammy and I can stand outside of town and draw him.  Well within the radiation range, but still outside the mystical boundaries.  I can take a week off to do that.  Hopefully the other problem up here won't attack that day."

"Hopefully," Dean agreed.  "Dad, can you please remove the mark his father put on him when he was eight?  That way no one has to worry about it even though the demon decided it didn't want him as a sacrifice?"

"Huh?" John asked.

"My dad tried to get help with his poker debts," Xander said bluntly.  He opened his shirt to show him the mark.  John growled.  "The demon told him I'd taste funny and turned him down."

John pulled the boy closer to the lights to look at.  "We can remove it since it was only marked, not embedded by the demon.  You didn't ask Bobby?"

"I've had it for so long I don't even worry about it.  I'm guessing my adoption up here prevented that one."

"Probably," John agreed.  "Or your Mayor wanted to keep you as a sacrifice."  He looked over it.  "We'll need some sterile equipment."  Dean went to get it for him.  He sat the boy on the chair, injecting some local anesthetic so he could slice the small mark off him.  Then he put a pad over it.  "Any others?"

"For some reason I have a tattoo on my butt but I think that was just being drunk," Xander admitted.  "I know I got it during my roadtrip that got canceled the hard way.  Though I did learn a lot about people at the strip club."

"Into the bathroom.  We can check it for you, just in case," John ordered.  He followed the boy, scalpel still in hand.  That one had a spell woven into it, he could feel it, but he had no idea what it was for.  "Can Tara look at this?"

"I asked her to before.  She blushed and nearly ran off."

"Tara?" he called.  She came in and blushed, turning around.  "It's got a spell on it."  She came over to glance at the edges of it, then whispered in his ear before fleeing back to her girlfriend's side.  John swatted him.  "It was to stabilize you off the hellmouth."

Xander pulled back up his pants.  "Really?"

"Yup.  Where did you have it done?"

"Oxnard.  Some little gypsy looking shop.  So I got a magical tattoo on purpose you think?"

"I have no idea.  Were you feeling sick?"

"I don't know."  He shrugged.  "I was kinda drunk that night.  They forced me up onto the stage for the first time.  I was *really* drunk when I wandered off after my second truly sucky set."

John patted him on the head.  "We'll check on her, Xander.  Do they know you have that?"

"One saw it one night while I was in the pool.  He giggled at it."  He shrugged.  "Who knows."

"Fine."  He walked the boy out.  "Boys, have you two been to Oxnard?"

"Once," Sam admitted.  "Jess wanted to hit Tijuana for spring break our first year together.  We stopped there for lunch and a stroll around to stretch our legs.  Why?"

"Gypsy looking store, tattoo place at least," John said.  He looked at Xander.

"Madam Rose's bookstore and tattoo palace?"

"Oh, she looked in there.  Something creepy told me to get away from there.  I figure she had wards up since it felt like they usually do to me.  Is she who did that?"

John nodded.  "It was to stabilize him off the hellmouth."  He noticed the guard there with the guy putting down their lunch.  "What else does it do?"

"It keeps him from getting sick as the radiation from the hellmouth leaves him.  She thought he might be getting sick and start leaking soon, which would draw some huge predators to her town.  She was protecting the area.  We asked once we found out she had done one.  We thanked her greatly.  She had no idea he was an heir.  For some reason his didn't show as much as some others' did."  He looked at Xander then at John.  "Thank you for removing that one.  Some people got worried about it."

"Not a problem.  Any others we've seen on him or around him?"

"There's still a lust spell on him from Rosenburg, but I'm not sure why.  We haven't been able to remove that.  She's stronger than the ones we have around here."  He left with the server.

"Willow?" John asked patiently.

"I did?"  She came over to remove the spells, sighing.  "That's really old.  I don't know why."

"Pre or post kissing incident?" Buffy asked.

"I can't tell.  I'd say post."  She shrugged and got to work removing it.  "There, all free," she told Xander with a grin.

"Thank you."  He kissed her on the forehead.  Then he stared at her.  She nodded that she'd go back tonight.  Then she went to spend some quality time with her girlfriend.  He sat down to lunch with his friends.  It was good to have this stress break.  "How many more days do you think seventy heirs is going to take?" Xander asked John.

"Two," Dean told him.  "I asked the guards last night.  They said two more days."  He looked around.  "No Anya?"

"She'll be up tomorrow," Buffy said.  "She said watching him be sworn in is the important part, not this boring part.  She hates to watch him fight or snark someone into submission.  So any ideas about the heir things?" she asked.

"Two," Xander admitted.  "Looking at the profiles the guards did, I have two good suggestions but neither one's shown up yet."

John groaned, shaking his head.  "You don't have to do that, Xander."

"I know.  Not that many heirs.  Five, maybe ten if I have to."  John smirked at that.  "Two family protectors that they want me to marry....."  He smirked at Bobby.  "They haven't given you any yet.  You or Tara."

"Thankfully.  That stuff's a bit odd and I'm not one for chocolate anyway," he pointed out.

"I like chocolate but that's just too much for me," Buffy said.

John nodded.  "I'm surprised Dean hasn't gorged himself sick on it yet."

"Why would I need to?  It's in the sauce over the meat and the casserole," he said dryly.  He ate another bite.  They all stared.

"Huh, they do better than my mom at hiding it," Buffy said, digging in again.  She did feel better so she must be coming up on PMS again.  If so, she really pitied the demon after Sam and his family.  She ate another bite and almost had smug thoughts about destroying it.

John looked at the sauce.  "It does look like that stuff you find in Mexican food."  He ate it anyway.   "Is this the spring's chocolate?"

Xander shrugged.  "No clue but probably not."

"Thank you."  He ate another bite, glancing at Willow.  She hadn't eaten any of the 'gravy' anyway and the casserole hadn't been touched when Dean had said that.  Interesting.   He finished up and took his boys off to the sitting area by the bed to go over plans of attack on the demon and what to do if it came while they were still waiting on all the heirs to come vow they didn't want the problems.  Or during the other invasion.

Someone knocked and the head of the council stepped in, bowing to them.  Xander waved him in.  "What's wrong?"

"Do you have any idea on who you might choose as your heir?"

"Two but neither of them have shown up.  The others who've asked, there's a good candidate who has skills where I lack them but I don't think he understands about the constantness of the job.  He seems to like to disappear into his books for months at a time.  There's one on there that I'd hate.  The guards said he does have a violent streak and he enjoyed torturing someone last year but they didn't do anything about him because of his station outside of raiding his house to get his victims free."

"Oh, him.  We do know about him and his name was only hypothetically taken down."  He sat across from Xander.  "The two who haven't presented themselves yet?"  He handed over his short list.  "Both interesting choices who do know what diplomacy means since they've been sent on diplomatic missions."

"I figure they were closer to the old Lord and Master so they might know what's going on.  So I'm waiting on them."

"They're not bad choices.  Generally, the people will go with whoever you want, Lord Xander."  He looked at the plotting Winchesters.  "Problems?"

"The one after Sam's coming up on his critical, have to move time."

"Ah.  If he's up here, the demon can't draw him."

Xander smirked.  "That's one idea but if we can get him to come after Sam, we can kill him.  That way no other parents have to go through this."

"That's also a good point."

"We'd settle for banishing but he's already picking out his next go-round's heirs."

"I still don't understand that," Buffy said.  "I mean, I do, but why be so picky?"

Xander smirked.  "Because, Buffy.  If he's got later plans after he opens the gate, it's probably going to be leading armies to conquer people to get a higher rank.  Right?"

"That seems pretty standard.  Yeah.  Even the ones who want to open the hellmouth usually have a plan to hold a later war to gain status over all the other demons they freed."

"If someone like Sam, who's charismatic, strong minded, has planning abilities - especially if Dean's beside him - wins his favor and runs his armies, they're going to be *his* armies, not the demon's.  So even if he does end up somehow making Sam his heir, he'll need a later one when he has to take out Sam to get his power back.  Like putting up a puppet leader who's too good at what he does so the people want him to lead them instead of the ones pulling his strings.  He'd end up losing control.  He'd have to be replaced at some point."  He looked at the head of the council.

"We do not have that planned," he assured him quickly.

Buffy giggled.  "Sometimes Xander's a bit paranoid.  It's lack of sex from Anya.  She wears it out of him usually."

"If you married Lord Samuel, it'd mean you could taint him, Lord Xander.  Then you could wear that out and have him safely beside you while his family hunted down that demon."

"I owe it a few good hits too," Sam pointed out.  "He killed my girlfriend."

"I was not aware.  I'm sorry, Lord Samuel."  He looked back at him.  "It still would be safer to be up here."

"He can't summon him from here or Sunnydale," Xander told him.

"Ah.  And that would be a preferred battleground," he said wisely.  Xander tipped his head.  "Should it happen during the ceremony, let us know and we'll speed up whatever we can."

"Can't we speed up the heirs?"

"No.  He was overeager to get those who could be helpful to him at a later point."  He stood up.  "I will send you other's opinions on those choices and make sure that they're hanging around, plus hurry those two heirs up, Lord Xander.  That way you can make your choice sooner."

"I said a week after all the celebrations," he said dryly.

"Good point."  He left, going to think on his choices.  They weren't bad choices, especially with only the profiles the guards had given him.  A few were odd choices.  He'd have to give him a more well-rounded view of those heirs.  He went to talk to some of the other highborn who knew them all.  That way they could write in their ideas.  Xander would appreciate the help he was sure.  He was busy planning two major battles for them.

Xander looked over.  "It's one idea we've still got on the planning board, Sam.  Pick whichever idea is going to be best for you and if we have to suddenly switch we'll argue."

"I can agree to that."  He grinned.  "You're doing a good job, Xander.  What about those other demons?"

"I sent a 'I've recently received your letter to Wozaataran and we've found your spy, what were you thinking' letter to them through the nicer people on the council.  They reworded it so it was polite and non threatening.  We did suggest that they send someone to talk to us in person.  That I didn't want to have to invade them but if they kept pushing threatening actions I'm not the nice sort he was.  And I made sure that made it into the final draft of the letter.  It was politely enough crouched in 'come see us before we kick your ass for the spies' to suit the diplomats and plain enough that it says 'I'm going to send a marshmallow covered army to your world if you don't lay off' for me."

John smirked.  "That's not good body armor but with their allergies...."

Xander grinned wickedly.  "Exactly.  Oh, and Dean did figure out how to launch a payload of sugar at them."  Dean nodded happily.  "So if we have to, we can."

"Excellent job, son."  He patted him on the head.  "Any other enemies?"

"Two but they're at the polite snubbing stage.  One sent someone to the coronation.  I saw them the other night after the day of heirs begging not to do my job.  He still sneered and asked if I knew what I was doing.  I told him right then I was working the cramp out of my foot for standing so long and wondering if this was an official diplomatic visit so I needed to call for tea and a quiet room to talk in.  He huffed so I offered him tea.  Then I smiled and told him I had no problem talking with diplomats, even if I couldn't fulfill their desires.  I'd at least listen to what they wanted to say since I hadn't been briefed yet on more than who was who.  He huffed off.  So apparently we're still at the 'snubbing politely' stage with them.  A guard leaned in.  "That huffy purple diplomat, did we piss his people off more?"

"His queen said it was nice you were honest about rubbing out your foot cramps and they'd see if they could work out our differences in a few weeks, Lord Xander."  He smiled.  "Can we take the lunch dishes?"

"We're done.  Thank you."

"Welcome."  He came in with the server to get the dishes.   "Any other huffy diplomats are waiting.  They know not to bother you during the coronation."  He smirked.  "When that one person tried to scream her way up the stairs with the dagger and you grabbed your axe from Dean, they decided you're under a bit of stress and should let you calm down first."   Xander just gave him a smug look back.  "Mostly their differences are that they're a hive species and we're not, plus we like different things."

"I'm all for letting their differences be theirs as long as it doesn't hurt our people.  Oh, what's this I hear someone was jailed for liking a female?"

The guard coughed.  "Her mother had him jailed for liking her daughter.  The judge has since had him removed since that's not a legal reason.  Our jails aren't bad."

"Thank you."

"Welcome, Lord Xander.  Any other concerns?"

"Any idea where the demon after Sam is?"

"I know where he's stashing his heirs."  John stiffened.  "I know he's traveling toward your town."

"John and them need to know anything on that development."

"Of course, Lord Xander."  He sent for another guard to tell them what he had learned.  Plus the spying reports from their person in their threat's realm.  Then he left him alone to rest while making plans on how to be horrible to someone else.  He really was quite amusing when he needed laid.

Xander took the scouting reports with a grin.  "Thank you."

"Welcome, Lord Xander.  I'm worried that he'll be hurt."

"Can he pull back?"

"No, it's not an area he can do that in.  We do know that they were displeased you contacted them that way.  They considered it a sign of weakness."

Xander considered it.  "John, if information that we had weapons now got back to them would it be a good or a bad thing?"

He considered it.  "It might scare them off acting but it might make more spies come.  Are you thinking about leaking information?"

"Perhaps a publicity photo then," he said, looking at the guard.  Who gave him a smug look and a nod before leaving.  The guard with John, Dean, and Sam looked amused.  "Anything to make them hold it off for at least a few weeks until we're ready."

"We don't think they can be ready before a month, Lord Xander, but we may be wrong."

"Better to be ready for a bit than underprepared and have them attack here," Xander pointed out.  That got a nod and they went back to dealing with that problem while he read over the scouting reports.  Buffy came over to help him.  "I'm scaring him using you," he said quietly, looking at her.

"I can be a pinup up here too," she said with a smug look.  "Any demon that hates chocolate is probably a bad guy anyway."  He nodded, letting her see them.  "I wonder if you can fire rock candy like you do rock salt," she said, looking at Dean, who choked and looked back at her.  "If they're allergic to sugar...."

"That's nearly evil, but I'll see," he offered.  He got back to the problem at hand, making a note for himself.  It was nice the slayer liked weapons even if she didn't really like guns most of the time.  John was still shaking his head at that idea.  "They're allergic to sugar.  It'd probably kill them on contact."

"Body armor," Xander noted.  "So maybe we can find a way to coat bullets or pack it hard enough to make bullets."

"We probably can't pack it that hard," Dean said, considering it.  "It might melt if you do it that way.  Coating might work.  We'll have to test."  He made another note.  He saw the guard's uneasy look.  "There's people who're worse gun nuts than we are," he assured him.  "We just do what we have to do with them."

"Good.  Some do think Lord Xander's paranoid since he has weapons with him at his coronation, but we understand why after the first few duels and the one who tried to stab him."  He went back over the plans he had overheard so far.  The demon clearly knew that he was watching him but it amused him and furthered his plans.  They could still use that information.

"Is he aware Xander had a vision about him?" Sam asked quietly.

"Not that I know of, Lord Samuel."

"So it may be something we can  use," he decided.  That got a nod and they got to work planning with this new information once the guard was gone.  "How many more weapons do you have, Xander?"

Xander chuckled when Buffy moaned.  "Way too many, Sam," she complained.  "He won't even let me play with them."

John looked at her then at Xander.  "I've been sorting out your confiscated areas."  Xander nodded at that.  "Want those clothes sent to the thrift store?"

"I wouldn't care.  Or let Joyce yard sale it if she wants.   That way we can afford all the pizza we eat while we research."

Dean snickered.  "I walked in for pizza a few days before we got snatched and they asked if it was for the group or just us."

"I eat like a slayer," Buffy reminded him.  "I need those calories for patrol and staking vamps."

"Yes you do," Xander agreed, patting her on the shoulder.  She swatted him.  He just smirked back.  "We all know you do but you eat better when you have a boyfriend."

"Riley showed up.  We told him we were coming up to see you coronated.  He went to get drunk but said he'd patrol in my place for a few days."

"He had the balls to show up again?" he demanded.  She nodded.  "Wow.  I thought my balls were huge.  He apologize for being a feeder?"

"Yup, and showed off his new wife."

"Ah."  He gave her a hug.  "It'll be okay.  I promise we'll find you someone worthy of you, Buffy."

"I know a few hunters who'd like her," Bobby assured him.  "I've already spread around that she could use more help while you're up here.  I got emails from them yesterday that they're in town and stunned at the overrun state of it.  I sent them to Giles to talk about harmless demons and to not stake Spike."

"Thank you," she said.  "Are they cute?"

"Mostly.  One's a female and she's pretty but tough.  That'll give you a girl to talk about hunting with too."

"Wow.  I'll like that.  Thank you, Bobby."  She got up to give him a hug.  "You're a good uncle sort of guy."  She went back to the scouting reports.  "He really didn't like your letter, Xander."

"Ehh, next time I'll send his spy back to die at his feet with one."  He gave her a smug look.  "He has no idea who I am.  He probably thinks I'm like these guys are.  Nice, gentle, delicate people who don't fight much outside of honor duels."

She laughed.  "Yeah, not you."  He shook his head.  "Good.  Then can you come home?  So I don't have to listen to Anya fuss?"

"Probably.  We'll see.  Though, Anya fussing will probably happen anyway."

"Good point.  She found something to fuss at even when you were meeting her demands."  She went to talk to Tara again.  She needed a hug since Willow was still off the deep end of the ethereal plane.  Tara gave her a smile.  "Bobby said there's a female hunter coming."

"That might be nice," she agreed.   "Then you could have a night off to go do girl things."

"That'd be really nice.  Mom and I need a mom and daughter shopping trip."  Tara patted her on the hand.  "Really.  She didn't even help me shop for the stuff up here."  She settled beside her.  "She said she was tired."

"Buffy, take your mom to Hillcrest," Xander said firmly.  "Tonight."  She sighed but went to travel to do that.  "Joyce can't be sick or we'll all be losing our mom," he said at John's look.  "She's the only parent some of us have had.  I'd hate to have to kick her ass for not taking care of herself."

"You try that.  Joyce will spank you for weeks, Xander," Willow snorted.

He stared at her.  "She knows she's got to take care of herself.  That her daughter depends on her as a sanity roadblock.  Otherwise hunting gets to you."

John nodded.  "It does.  That's why Buffy retreats to an airhead now and then.  It makes it easier not to think about what you just staked or killed."

Xander nodded.  "Plus she had the First Slayer showing her things about the line that weren't pretty."  John looked at him.  "To defeat the Initiative we had to call her spirit back to possess Buffy.  She hadn't been happy to be a slayer.  Let's just say, even without her torturing us in our dreams, things were bad back then."  John just nodded once.  "But Sineya was ....very strong."

Willow nodded.  "Having that stuff forced on her made her that way."

"They ...forced it on her?" Bobby asked.

"Back then the demons ruled," Xander said.  "The humans wanted a weapon.  They made a weapon.  That was back in our grunting and pointing days.  She had a brow ridge worse than Angel's."

"Any idea if that's written down anywhere?"

"England," Willow said.  "I know where their library is if you want the address.  They might not like hunters like you.  The watchers are kinda poopy heads about that stuff."

Xander nodded.  "Yeah, trying to take out both Faith and Buffy when Faith woke up wasn't that amusing of them."  John growled.  "Exactly."  He smirked.  "We're on friendly terms with Buffy but not the watchers.  Their head guy, he really does need blown up."  A vision hit him, making him grab his forehead and bend over, hissing in agony as it flowed through him.

"Xander," Sam said, coming over to help him.  "Breathe.  It helps.  It'll be over with soon."  He rubbed his shoulders until Xander relaxed.  "Shh, let it settle for a minute."

"Paper."  Sam got him some and a pen, letting him write it out.  He let it all spill out until it faded.  It left him with a migraine.  He handed it to Sam.  "Seal it."  He stared at him.

Sam read it then folded it up and handed it to Bobby.  "Seal that."  He got Xander down onto the couch and went to get one of the guards.  "Xander just had a vision."

"I'll get him some cocoa."  He called out for it to be brought, taking a sip before handing it over.  "That way no one tries to poison him."

"Thank you."

"Did it concern us?"

"No."  He went back in there, handing it to Xander.  "It was taste tested by the guard," he said quietly.  Xander nodded, gulping it so Sam could tuck him in and help him sleep.

Bobby let John see the vision then got a nod and him putting it into his sealed journal.  No one was getting into it.  They'd have to stop that.

"Do we need to know?" Tara asked.

John shook his head.  "No.  Not yet."  She nodded at that.  "It was an upcoming apocalypse for you guys so later on."

"Sure, we can do that," Willow agreed.  She snuggled in better.  She had missed her Tara cuddles.

John checked on Sam and Xander, smiling at the fussing going on.  "Let him sleep, son."

"I am.  Just being here in case he wakes up with nightmares like I'd have."

"Sure."  He tossed over one of his fun reading books, getting a smile back for it.

Dean looked back.  "If we need some of your pills they're in my closet on top of the dresser."

"Sure."  He settled in to read and be there in case Xander needed him.

Dean and John shared a look.  "His are that bad," Dean said quietly.

"I figured they were.  I'm glad he hasn't had any in a while."  He patted Dean on the back.  "We'll find out if we can stop them for him."  They got back to work on the plan.  If Sammy's visions came from the demon they'd have to take out the demon to stop them.  It went well with their goals.

***

Bobby caught Tara later that night, taking the vision from her.  "That's why we didn't want you to know."

She stared at him.   "I'm not that naive, Bobby.  I know it can happen."

"We think it'd be better to avoid it by keeping you up here, Tara."

She considered it.  "If it gets that bad, I'll definitely come up with Xander.  Or hide with him if he's back with us."

"Good."

"But we can't stop her if she tries it."

"Yes we can," Xander muttered.  "And I will be."  He looked back at her.  "If I have to I'll stop her, Tara.  The same as I would if she were turned."

She nodded at that, giving him a hug before going back to bed.  Bobby stared at him.  "That's a sucky job."

"Yeah but Buffy won't be able to."

"I know.  You sure?"

"Yeah.  Even if I hate them and wouldn't mind them being blown up, I can't let that happen.  Even if it would be nice to sink Sunnydale."

Bobby nodded.  "Good."  He put back his journal and went back to bed.  They had to stop Rosenburg so the boy wouldn't have to.  That sort of thing destroyed a soul faster than anything.  Though, he'd already been through it once with Jesse from what he'd heard.  He walked back out, looking down at him.  "They told me you've had to once."

"Jesse," he agreed quietly.  "My first staking."

Bobby shuddered.  "We'll help so you don't have to, Xander."  That got a nod and Bobby went back to his room to think about how to get the witches in Oklahoma to nag her on that point.  Maybe they could do something to shut down the hellmouth if and when Buffy died the next time.

Xander got up and snuck out, heading for the pool.  The guard tried to stop him.  "I still have a headache.  I'm going to work it off."

"Go back to sleep, Lord Xander.  It'll be another trying day of heirs tomorrow.  I'll get you some new cocoa to take out that headache."  He sent for some and handed it over after a sip.  "Just in case," he said at the amused look.

"Thank you.  You guys take good care of me.  After all this is done and I've decided to hand it over, want to come home with me?"

"No.  Then you won't have a guard and we'll be detoxing your system from the sacred spring.  I'm told it hurts like hell."

Xander gave him a look.  "Really?"  He nodded.  "Huh."  He finished up.  "I'll keep that in mind."  He went back to his couch to think.  He'd sneak out later if he didn't get to sleep.  Of course, he yawned and did drift off fairly soon.  That cocoa was deadly to keeping him awake.

The guard yawned as well.  That sleeping potion had been a bit strong.  He called for a relief guard so he could sleep it off.  He also made note of the joking request Lord Xander had made.  That way the last true heir could tell him what happened when that was done to him.

***

Xander looked over as someone whispered into Dean's ear, getting a nod.  He and Sam headed off.  He looked at the head of the council, who was not looking pleased.  "Time's up," he said quietly.  "Let's get on with it."

"There's one last heir," he said.  He motioned them up.

"I give up all rights and don't want to be an heir," he said quickly, realizing that the consorts disappearing that way had to be a problem.

"Wasn't he on the list?" Xander asked.  The head of the council nodded.  "Tough, you're in the running for heir because you've been helpful in the past.  We'll consider your wishes though."  He grinned sweetly.  The heir shuddered and moaned but nodded.  "I'll be talking to the ones on the list in a few days."

"Agreed, Lord Lavetella.  Thank you."  He disappears back into the crowd.

"Lord Lavetella, it is important that you do have a willing support network behind you to keep you centered when the duties get trying."

"I have two family protectors, Dean and Sam Winchester.  Who I really need to go help."

"Are there any prior relationships that may count against theirs?" he asked formally.

"He is mine," Anya said, stomping up there.  "He was mine first and you stole him from me."

Xander kissed her.  "In many ways I'm still yours, Anya honey."  He stared at her.  "Do you *really* wanna deal with formal occasions and those things?"

"No," she pouted.  "But you're still mine.  If you dump me I get my powers back."

"I see nothing wrong with you getting your powers back," he said, smiling at her.  "So therefore I have to end our relationship for a very good reason.  They want me to have heirs and you don't want children."  She squealed and hugged him.  "But don't you dare curse me."

"We'll see," she said, looking up.  "D'Hoffryn?"

"Anya, later," he ordered, making her whimper.  "Later," he said more clearly.  She nodded, backing down.  He looked at the head of the Council.  "Yes, I do formally end my union with the former, and soon to be again, demon Anyanka.  I still want Sam and Dean Winchester as my family's protectors.  As such I have to go protect them from something."

"We'll conclude the wedding of you and the consort Samuel to protect him better tomorrow," he said.

Xander glared.  "You explain it to Sam then."  He looked at the worried people.  "A demon just attacked my protector's family.  I'll be back shortly."  He walked off, taking off his robe on the way to the portals.  He landed behind Sam.  "They're insistent that I'm marrying you, Sam."

Dean spluttered.  "That's so bad."

"I have the prior claim," the demon dressed as a man said.

Xander snorted.  "You want Sam that much, challenge me."

"Who're you?" he sneered.  "Some upstart little hunter?"

Xander stepped forward.  "The old Mayor stopped you from getting me.  Don't recognize me?"  The demon stared then burst out laughing.  "Get him!" he shouted.  The demons Spike had organized on his say so attacked.  They wanted to help the new demon lord.  Once he was down and struggling Xander smirked.  "Hi, let me reintroduce myself.  I'm Xander Harris.  Also known as the White Knight of Sunnydale.  Also known as Lord Lavetella."  The demon shrieked.  "And they decided Sam was mine, not yours.  Pity."  John moved forward.  "Guys, don't get in John's way."  The demon started to chant.  Xander sighed, looking toward the old school, then putting into practice something he had learned recently when researching hellmouth babies.  The whole town's demon contingent shrieked and the ones there backed away from him.  That one looked awed.

"Hellmouth baby," he sneered.

"Ya think?" he sneered back.  "I should feed you to my hellmouth but it might get indigestion.  John?"  He shot him, making the demon scream and the cloud try to escape.  John shot the cloud of demon too, making it die.  He let go of the hellmouth, panting.  "Ow.  That hurt."  He looked at Sam.  "You get to yell at them for wanting to marry us off anyway.  I said family protector, dude."

"I know you did," Dean said calmly.  "What did you do?"

"Hellmouth babies can touch the hellmouth and draw on it," Sam said, staring at Xander.  Who just smirked back.  "You let it go?"

Xander checked.  "I think I did."

John knocked him out with the butt of the gun.  "Now he has."  Two guards appeared.  "We're making sure he doesn't still have the hellmouth held in thrall.  You can have him back in a minute."

"Of course you are," one agreed.  "We need you all back.  They're insistent that the marriage happen anyway."

"I'm still straight," Sam complained.  "He only wanted us as family protectors."

"This will still protect you more."

"It's only going to take today?" John asked.

They nodded.  "We can bring you back up for that and then transport you and the other hunters, plus both slayers, to the place of the battle.  It'll save you traveling time."  They took them all.  Xander was woken by Sam gently patting him on the face.  "I hope he doesn't have a concussion," the guard complained.

"Me too, but I don't feel like I do," Xander admitted, sitting up.  "Ow, John.  Be more gentle and use a nerve pinch or something."  He rubbed his head.  "Ow."  Sam grinned.  "Oooh, let's go end this."  He got up with some help from the guards.  "Okay."  They walked out, Xander grabbing his robe on the way since one of the other guards had it over his arm.  "Thank you.  Sorry for our abrupt departure but something was trying to claim Sam."  He nodded at the worried looking council.  "It's dead."

"Good.  It is good you will protect your mate with your skills," another of them said.

"Family protector, dude," Dean told him.  "Not mates.  We're brothers.  We can't be married to the same person and we're both straight."

The council shrugged.  "It will protect you during the battles that are coming."  Xander gave them an odd look.  "There are those who would gladly continue his ideals, Lord Lavetella."

"Then they can get their asses kicked too.  We've got to go do that in a few minutes," Dean told them.  "So can you finish naming us family protectors?"

The head of the council coughed.  "It would be for the best if you two were married to him.  It would protect you both more."

"We're fine on protection," Dean assured him.

"Still."  He looked at John.  "As their father it would be more helpful."

John honestly considered it then he shook his head.  "We're demon hunters.  It'd look bad on us."

"It still might but it's safer for them."  John shook his head again.

Xander sighed.  "Guys, we've had this talk.  I like girls.  I like these two as friends.  I'll gladly protect them, fuss over them when they're injured, all that.  But we're not like that with each other and I'd never get sex again so I'll end up *really* violent sometime soon.  Find me a nice person I can mate with for heirs.  Really."  They all gave him odd looks.  "I don't care.  I really don't."  He looked around.  "I'm still edgy too.  Dean....."

"Going."  He went to get the weapons ready just in case.  Sam stayed with Xander while John helped him with Bobby, Buffy, and Faith.  He nodded at her.  "Hey, Faith.  Dean Winchester."

"Hey," she said quietly.  "What is going on?  I got magically blipped from my cell.  Someone's going to be yelling really soon about me being missing."

"No one told you that Xander got adopted by the chocolate loving demons as a kid?" Buffy asked her.

"Yeah, got that part."

"They're swearing him in today.  The last step is naming those two family protectors," Buffy told her.  "But we think the ones who want to destroy these nice, sweet, gentle people's sacred chocolate spring are going to attack soon."

"Why do they want it?"

"They're allergic to sugar," Buffy said dryly.

"Hence this baby, that'll shoot a payload of it," Dean said with a pat to the case.  "But we didn't get you out for this."

"The demon they just took down has gathered hundreds of them near a devil's gate, which is like a lesser hellmouth, to open it and welcome their buddies," Buffy said with a wicked grin.  "That's slayer work but I'm not that good.  Together we are."

"You trust me?"

"Xander reamed me a new one recently," she said dryly.  "He's turning into my mom.  All common sensical and all that."

Faith laughed.  "This is a cute play, guys."  The crowd shrieked.  "Or not."  She grabbed the case with Bobby, helping him carry it out.

"Real leaders are at the front of their troops," a demon sneered at Xander.

Xander waved a hand.  "Not like I'm hiding, dude."  He looked back.  "Can I?"  It was handed over by Bobby.  He looked at it then flipped it open and fired at the extra large demon, making him and his people scream as the sugar crystals hit them and killed them.  "End them," he ordered.  The guards dove in with his help.  Dean and Sam were right behind him.  John, Buffy, Faith, and Bobby grabbed lesser weapons to dive in and help too.

***

Xander flopped down on the stairs once the last demon was dead, looking at the mess.  "We need a bonfire," he muttered.  The council was all gathered together.  He looked at them.  "Morning."

"It nearly is," one agreed.

Xander shrugged.  "Not my fault battles take a while."  He looked at his troops.  "Guys?"  He came down to check them over, getting swatted at by Buffy.  "You get fussed over too.  Stop it."

"No."  She got free of his checking injuries.  "I'm fine.  Only a few claw marks, Xander."

"Don't even think about getting with the touching thing," Faith warned.

Xander kissed her on the cheek.  "Keep complaining, watch me put you in for my official consort, Faith," he said quietly, making her whimper and try to hide behind Buffy.  "Can we get some healers?" he called.  They ran that way.  He checked over Sam and Dean, getting swatted at by Dean.  "His leg's cramping," he noted.  "Doesn't feel like he reinjured it."  He got John sitting to check him over.  "You've got a good gash there."  He reached for a stitching pack but a healer came over to close it for him.  "Some day I've got to learn that," he said in awe.

The healer patted him on the cheek.  "You may."  They got the rest of the warriors cleaned up, sending a few to their clinics.  Then they bowed at the council.  "They'll be fine to continue after a good meal and some time calming down."

"We can complete the coronation without them if need be," the head of the council said.  "Lord Lavetella?"  He flinched, looking at him.  "Go calm down.  Take your protectors and mates to your suite."  Xander nodded, going that way.  "Someone clean up the mess," he ordered.

Xander came back out with Tara.  "Can you?"

"Of course."  She lit the demons on fire.  They burned quickly and left no mess.  She stroked the head of the council's cheek.  "Don't try to manipulate me," she whispered.  She walked Xander off so he could calm down.  He was bouncy and ready to attack someone else.

The crowd was cheering behind them.

Miss Kitty looked at the crowd and meowed.  She knew she was special, but really.  They were noisy!  The head of the council looked down at her.  She stared back, seeming to smirk.  She meowed at him too.  Then she trotted after her mommy.

The head of the council shook his head quickly.  "He has some very strange yet helpful advisors."  The crowd who heard laughed at that.  "We will finish the ceremony while they calm down.   Before more things happen."  The crowd cheered and they got on with the marriage ceremony.  Even if the participants didn't want it, oh well.

Sam stalked out, glaring at one of them.  "Family protectors, not husbands.  Dean and I can't share the same lover, guys.  It's nasty to have incest that way."  They booed.  He glared at the crowd, making them stop.  He glared at the council.  "Protectors only.  That's all Dean and I will accept.  Faith said the same thing."  He left again.

The council shrugged and finished it off.  Not all marriages had to have sex in them.  The sudden, intense rain shower that started when Xander's stand-in agreed and turned to look at the stand-in for his consent drove them off.  So they'd finish it inside.  It was best for their realm.

***

Xander looked up as the last true heir was let into his suite.  "Here to tell me how painful the detoxing is?"

"It nearly killed me," he admitted.  "But no, they sent me to make sure you won't attack them since they did marry you and Sam and Dean."  John moaned, shaking his head.  "They said not all marriages required sex so therefore you could have human modesty standards for a few more years."  He sat down across from him.  "I know you don't want to do this but they'll hunt you down.  There are those who will hunt you down if you hand it over.  Not these people, but others.  They'll consider you a good target for retribution."

"I'd leave a stable heir."

"They did it to me and Dad was in good health when I left twenty years ago, Xander.  I've nearly died a few times thanks to them.  One tried the day they found you so I wouldn't have to protect myself by giving it up again."

Xander considered it.  "It's not who I am."

"It wasn't who Dad was either.  He was the poor guy with common sense who spoke out and got heard.  He had good ideas and he had sense about what was needed.  So they named him.  He got hunted after he gave it up.  They nearly got him twice."  Xander shuddered.  "They will get Dean and Sam because they're still mortal.  They've only had secondary output from the spring, not the pure stuff you have."  He stood up.  "But yeah, it's really painful and it can kill you.  That's why only heirs and their consorts get from the direct spring instead of the filtered stuff they get in town."  He grinned.  "I'm headed back to Miami."

"You do good work and if you need to hide, come back up," Xander told him.  "You'll be welcome."

"Thank you."

"Stay safe."

"I'll do my best."

"Want me to assign a guard?"

"You can't do that.  I gave it up."

Xander smirked.  "I can name you one of my heirs."

"You still can't do that, kid.  Trust me.  Dad tried."  He smirked.  "But I have my protectors."  He disappeared out the door and to the portals.

Xander looked at them, then shrugged.  "Okay, now we need to plan what I'm doing next."

"Beating the council?" Sam suggested.

"That could work for me," Dean agreed.

John stared at his boys.  Then at Xander.  "You'll protect them?"

"Of course," he said, looking confused.  "They're the only guy friends I have.  I protect all my friends with my life, John.  You've seen me do it to Buffy I'm sure."

"I have.  You won't make them sleep together?"

Xander shrugged.  "If they're that kinky, it's nothing that includes me.  Hold on...."  John smirked as he grabbed his jacket.  "Oh, no.  You'll need them in the cemetery."

"I'll have the ladies and they can come help."  He nodded at Faith, who he had explained things to after they were calm again.  She took his hand to help her up and they walked out together to go kick demon butt.  They might die but that was what they were made for.  Buffy hurried after them.  Tara and Bobby hurried out too, going together.  She'd do what she could to protect the hunters.  Dean grabbed their gear bag and headed with Sam after him.  John looked at his boys.  "This isn't your battle."

"Shut up, Dad."  They walked through the portal, finding the demons still waiting.  Dean checked his watch.  It updated automatically to the correct date.  It was a nice coronation present from Joyce.  "It's the day he's supposed to open it."  They smirked at each other and dove into the battle.

Faith and John stuck together.  He was a normal guy and needed the support of a slayer.  Even with his shotgun.  Buffy was with that Bobby guy and Tara.  The boys were fighting together.  It'd happen.  They'd take out a lot of evil bitches and make them wish for hell again.

Xander came out of the portal with major weapons, firing them off.  The demons screamed as the sugar enhanced weapons hit them.  It didn't kill them with the sugar but it was still an explosive concussion against their bodies.  More went down and Xander had to switch to an automatic weapon.  By dawn, the cemetery was littered with demons parts and bodies.  They were avoiding puddles of blood and ichor.  Buffy was complaining about her clothes.

Faith looked at herself then at John.  "We're nasty."

"We are."  He lifted his t-shirt off his stomach to let air get under it to hopefully dry some of the nastiness.  "We need a bath."

"I have one of those," Xander said dryly, leaning on his gun.  "Go hit it, guys."  They trudged back through the portals, Xander last, shaking his head at the worried looks.  "The demon that took Sam and Dean on earlier was going to open a devil's gate.  We went to deal with his buddies who were going to cause problems.  I do back up slayers who don't kill every demon, just the bad ones.  And for apocalypses."  Faith gave him an odd look.  "Like I haven't been at all of them?"

"Good point, X.  You sure we can clean up?"

"I have the shower of sin and a bathtub, Faith.  You need one of them."  She swatted at him.  "Then maybe John can introduce you to other hunters who could use some of your help or who could help you maybe?  Bobby's like their watchers."

"Really?" she asked him.

"I do a lot of research for a lot of folks," he agreed quietly, looking at her.  "I've seen other hunters who've hit the dark side too, Faith.  If you need to talk, you can come see me."

She nodded.  "I might take you up on that.  If Tara isn't too busy guard dogging you."

He smiled.  "She's a good girl who loves Willow, even with her addiction."  He patted her on the back, getting a squish.  "C'mon.  I'm sure one of us has a t-shirt you can borrow."

"My closet seemed to have sprouted new clothes," Xander said dryly.  "So did Sam and Dean's since last night."  They all groaned.  "Can we get a modesty screen so they can use the tub and the shower without running into each other?" he asked a guard as he walked past them.

"We've opened the other suite's bathroom for the ladies, Lord Xander."  He let Tara lead them that way.  Xander handed him a pile of clothes for them, going to deliver them.  Then he posted a female guard in front of their room.  He found Xander taking a long time drinking some juice.  "Lord Xander, people are wondering if there'll be more of these incidents soon?"

Xander looked at him.  "That depends on if Buffy needs more help with the next apocalypse or if Faith does," he said honestly.  "Today's was a continuation of the one that was coming after Sam.  You can tell them that."

"I'll do that, Lord Xander.  So unless we're attacked or there's an apocalypse that involves Sunnydale or the slayers, you're here for us?"  He nodded.  "Are you going to switch out?"

"I'm not sure yet," he said honestly.

"I understand.  You're not really a leader of men, just a leader of battles."  He went to tell his boss that.  His boss could play politics and tell the council.

Xander got his turn in the shower, then came out to flop down on his couch.  It had been a long few weeks.  He hoped the upcoming ones weren't as bad.

Not Even Chocolate Will Cure This.

Xander woke up alone with a note sitting next to him.  Someone had moved him into the bed even.  "Huh."  He read the note.

We're going to go hunt down the remains of the demons that got away from us.  You know we're only a call away if you need us.  Dad has Faith.  Buffy's in Sunnydale.  Tara went with Bobby to help him.  She's loving his guard dog Rumsfeld.  Buffy's got nine new hunters in town who want to help her fix the place.  Joyce is ill but is having it taken care of by a very good healer.  She said not to worry about her or to come fuss.  She said if you did she'll be spanking you.  Even if you do snort at that, she said she would.  Anyway, we're headed to get the cars and go hunt the rest of the evil bitches down.  I'm writing this so Sammy doesn't go all mushy and emo and shit to make you blubber too since you're a lot like that sometimes thanks to the girls.  You need us, you call.  Dean.

Xander put the note back down and yawned, putting his head back down. He heard the quiet voices outside.  "If it's a spell that shows I'm awake, I need caffeine before I deal with people."  The guard stuck his head in.  "They still okay?"

"Your consorts are quite well, Lord Xander.  So are your friends.  We have caffeine if you want.  It's an official holiday today anyway.  Tomorrow you can be nagged and sucked up to."

"Oooh, yay me," he muttered.  He sat up.  "When did they leave?"

"Early last night.  John had you put into bed because you were nearly falling off the couch thanks to the injury on your back.  By the way, the healers had a fit that you didn't call for one of them."

"I'm used to injuries.  Need any after care?"

"No.  They fully healed it and all theirs.  Ready for food and caffeine?"  He nodded, coming over to sit at the eating table.  It was brought in for him along with the papers.  Before Xander could look at the papers he patted him on the wrist.  "We told them it wasn't just you."

"Did Buffy yell?"

"We can send her copies."  He went to do that.  Xander let out a yell of complaint so he chuckled.  "He'll get over it.  They'll be blowing anything he does out of proportion anyway."  He sent the new guards down to finish sorting out Lord Xander's storage areas and bring up anything that was his, weapons, or anything that might be useful.  The former vampires' clothes got sent to Faith in case any might fit her.  Buffy seemed to think that slayers needed clothes so they'd do that for her.  Tara had left a never ending box up here for them.  It'd be helpful for the younger slayer.

Lord Xander could take today to calm down and ready himself for petty politicking that would start tomorrow.  Before he ended up shooting one of them for annoying him.  They really did have to talk to his consorts about pleasing him.  Even if they weren't liking boys they could at least touch each other.  Right?

***

John looked up as the guard appeared, stopping Ellen's hand reaching for a weapon.  "He's peaceful and a guard for her friend Xander that just got appointed.  Problems already?"

"We finished sorting out the warehouses of stuff that Lord Xander had collected from nests and things, Mr. Winchester.  We've given him all the magic books, the supplies, the weapons, but a few things we think the Slayer Faith could use more."

"I don't need anything," Faith told him firmly.

The guard looked at her.   "Us giving you the clothes and a few of the weapons will keep the Slayer Buffy from shopping for you, Slayer Faith."

"Ooooh."  She winced.  "B power shopping already?"

"We showed her all the clothes that were sorted out.  She agreed that if you wanted them it'd help you and you'd only need a few things to round it out into a good wardrobe.  She did make a joke about you liking all the leather pants however."  He handed over the bag.  "We had the Lady Tara make it neverending like her boxes for you.  Inside are also three swords and a set of guns we thought might look nice in your hands.  Lord Xander agreed you'd need weapons to keep up with Mr. Winchester."  He backed up and bowed.  "He said to call him if you needed him.  He found out we do have a cellphone plan that's much cheaper than his current one with roaming.   It works on all planes.  He wanted to know if you and the boys wanted to subscribe to that," he said, handing John a brochure.  "That way you could call them whenever you ended up on another realm so your boys would quit fussing and angsting, his words, when you disappeared next time."  He smiled and disappeared.

John looked at the brochure.  "It says it covers the eighty major planes and this one."  He tucked it into his back pocket.  "Cheaper than mine too."

Faith looked at him oddly.  "Xander's strange.  Clearly too much chocolate, even if he has to eat some every day."

"He had four storage areas full of stuff he confiscated from nests, Faith."

"I didn't know he was a packrat."

"I don't think he was, but it was necessary apparently."  He shrugged and looked at Ellen.  "Xander's a hunter, he worked with Buffy in Sunnydale.  He had no idea about any of this before they told him in the hospital.  He's also the only one they got as an heir who can protect others.  He's doing his duty."

Xander appeared.  "Going to kill me a council member who just sent me twenty nubile young virgins to have fun with as a payment for his future position on the council."  He smiled at Ellen, putting down money.  "Can I please have a beer?  We don't have any up there."

"Who're you?" she asked.

"Xander," he and Faith said in unison.

He looked at her.  "Buffy's seriously going to shop the mall in Sunnydale bare if you can't use any of that.  Whatever you can't use, give away or something.  Don't tell her because even Joyce was complaining how much that trip'll cost, but go ahead.   John, is it wrong to take him up on his offer and kick him off the council for being a dick anyway?"

"Yes, Xander."

"Shit."  He took his bottle of beer and disappeared again to shoo the virgins out of his suite.

Faith looked at John.  "He could use a daddy figure sometimes."

"I know.  I figure that's why they wanted my boys to be his."  He sipped his beer while Ellen choked.  "Yup, they took all of them up there for that.  The coronation was nice, but long because there were too many heirs."

"You went to a demon plane?"

"Yeah.  They were very nice people.  Very gentle people.  Though they had no idea what underwear was for.  The guys who dressed the boys for the coronation thought it was amusing and some strange human ritual garment."

Faith shook her head.  "All very happy chocolate lovers who just wanted to be touched and petted.  Look pretty all the time."

"That's why they needed someone like Xander.  None of the other heirs could do more than duel and they all sucked.  Only one of them went beyond two minutes," John added.  "Sixteen of them challenged Xander.  By the last one he sighed and went down there to thump them on the head then walk back up to his spot and ask them to get on with it."  He finished his beer.  "He's going to be insane soon.  He's got to set up a National Guard system for emergencies and natural disasters.  He's got to make peace with the remains of the demons who attacked.  Though I heard he told them he could come there and hit another sugar missile into their palace if they didn't decide to be peaceful again."

Faith snickered.  "Xander's used to more pressure.  He's gotta have it bad without Anya since B told me about her."

"Quite," John said dryly.  "He has two hands, Faith.  He can handle that."

"Uh-huh."  He smirked at Ellen.  "X used to be this geeky boy.  Very geeky boy.  He's got muscles now but they're going to be driving him nuts since he's a lot like Dean."

"Yes he is," John agreed.  "He's like a less serious version of Dean unless something critical is going on."  He got another beer from her.  "He's not a bad guy.  I like the kid.  I respect him because he's doing what he has to do, even if it does make him a demon lord now.  I respect him for trying to stand up his council who wanted to marry him to Sammy and Dean without their consent.  They managed it with stand-ins while we showered so Sammy's still growling at that.  They decided they'd be good advisors and helpers for him," he said at Ellen's hysterical look.  "We all like the boy.  He's a nice kid.  Sammy's age but a nice kid."

"It took me a while to see what X tried to do to help me," Faith admitted.  "And talking to him over that time before and between the battles showed me that he ended up a really good guy.  He earned his white knight rep and name."

"He did.  He'll be protecting Sam and Dean for years yet."

"You too probably," Faith teased.

"True.  I've seen a few demons that were scared of touching any of us thanks to him."  He took a drink once he had his new beer open.  "Anyway, he helped at the cemetery.  He helped in Sunnydale.  He arranged for a vampire that worked with their team to marshal some other demons into helping us by distracting and attacking the demon to hold him down for us.  But he's gone now.  Dean celebrated his first night back down here by finding strippers.  Took Sammy and got him laid too I think."  Faith snickered.  "Bobby has Tara to watch over her.  She needed it because she's a powerful, good witch who has a girlfriend problem."

"She has one?"

"Hers is Rosenburg.  They're soulmates and Rosenburg has a magic addiction," he said grimly.  "Xander had a vision that her thing was going to cause an apocalypse some year soon."  Buffy stomped in.  "What are you doing here?"

"MaryBeth brought me.  She's fuming in the car because I can't stand country music."  She looked at the bag then at Faith.  "Will it fit?"

"I'll try it on later, B.  Having a calming down time now.  X even came to get a beer."

"Why?  More problems?"

"One of the council sent him twenty cute young virgins to keep his spot even though he pissed Xander off," John told her.

"I need to sneak Anya up there to pounce him again."

"They said if they caught her trying it'd be her forcing him to cheat on Sam and Dean so they'll throw her in jail this time," John reminded her.

"Crap."  She grimaced.  "He's going to be pouty, violent, and bouncy until he gets some again."  MaryBeth, the female hunter Bobby had talked into going to Sunnydale, walked into the bar.  "MaryBeth, did you get to meet Faith?"

"I hadn't.  Faith."  She shook her hand.  "I heard good things about you coming back from the edge of the dark."  She smiled.  "You should talk to Pastor Jim.  He's good when we reach that point.  I'm taking Buffy to him next week."

John looked over.  "Why?" he asked patiently.

Buffy ducked her head.  "Riley and I got into it when he went back to the vamps.  His wife agreed with me but I kinda, um, nearly staked him to death for it.  And for when he cheated on me too kinda."

John nodded.  "I would've beaten the boy bloody but I know you girls have a stricter set of rules with the slayer spirit in you."  Faith looked at him.  "You didn't tell her about calling the First Slayer, Buffy?"

"No, I hadn't."  She walked Faith and her beer off to talk to her about it.  Faith moaned at what she found out but it was good to know and pass on to any other potentials they found.

John looked at MaryBeth.  "The others doing it for her?"

"Yup.  Rosenburg still in Oklahoma?"

"Oh, yes.  With Tara helping Bobby it's good for her."

"Excellent."  She sat down.  "Ellen, can I please have some holy watered beer?  I can feel the hellmouth even now."

"It does radiate," John told her.  Ellen got her one.  "Buffy, what would you think about sinking the town?"

"I'd find my old pompoms," she called back with a manic grin.  "And the cute uniform."

"You needed help to be on the happiness and prozac patrol back then," Faith told her.

She shrugged.  "I was cute and popular before I was called, Faith.  I don't hide that I used to be a cheerleader.  Or that Spike might've followed us."

MaryBeth looked back at her.  "If you take up with him again I'm going to paddle you like Joyce should, Buffy Summers.  She said so."

"Yes, MaryBeth."  She leaned closer to Faith.  "She's like a female version of John.  Marine and all.  She even made Spike quit smoking."  She leaned back.  "So, how's traveling with the grumpy, scruffy one?"

"Not bad so far.  It's only been a week."

"If you need to talk, I'll listen.  So will Mom," she promised.  She grinned.  "I'm so glad I'm not alone anymore.  Even with Xander and Willow I always felt alone.  That's why I got sucked into the party scene my first semester in college.  You would've laughed at the caveman beer, Faith."  She took a drink and told her that story, cracking Faith up.  It was funny looking back, but not that funny.  She took another sip of her beer and paused, rolling it around in her mouth.  "John, does your beer taste like bitter chocolate?"

He sipped then nodded.  "I'm going to beat that boy."

Faith sipped hers.  "It does?"

Buffy took a sip and nodded.  "Yup.  That makes you need chocolate every day, Faith."  Faith groaned.  "But hey, no more PMS."  They shook their heads and went back to drinking.  Might as well.  They were already tainted by it.

***

Tara tasted her tea then looked at it.  She looked up.  "I'll get you for that, Xander!"

Bobby looked over then looked in his cup, sniffing it.  "Mine's normal."

"No it's not.  He got us with spring chocolate."

He sipped carefully.  "Mine tastes normal, Tara."

"Trust me."  She glared at the ceiling.  "I'll make it so you can bear those heirs you need, young man."

He appeared, giving her a confused look.  Which was a lie but she didn't have to know that.  "Huh?"

"Chocolate, Xander.  In my tea."

"I didn't do it, Tara."  He kissed her on the head.  "They wanted to make sure I had people to talk me down from killing the guy who sent me twenty virgins to keep his spot on the council after he pissed me off."  He disappeared again.

Tara called Dean's cellphone.  "He got us with chocolate and is denying it, Dean."  She listened.  "Really?  I guess that's fair and all with what they decided for you two."  She hung up.  "They got them when they first got up there."

Bobby shook his head slowly.  "Mine still tastes normal."

"If you feel hungry tomorrow, try eating normal chocolate.  He needed about a cup a day before he got sworn in."

"I'll do that."  He finished his tea and went back to his current book.  If that was true, Tara could beat him later he was sure.

***

Dean hung up, looking at Sam where he was watching the stripper dance on the top of their table.  "Xander got Tara and possibly others with chocolate."

"Hmm," he said, watching her move.  "Interesting."

Dean smirked.  "I knew you had it in you, little brother."

Sam looked at him, then snorted. "I get all the girls I want, Dean.  I'm picky, not asexual."  He went back to watching the stripper dance.  She was very good at it and her breasts even looked like they were real.  It was amazing.

Dean was watching her too.  She was really good and the implants looked almost natural to him.  She got her tip and moved to another table to dance for them.  "We should go hunting soon."

"Hmm," Sam agreed.  "Sometime.  Or we could handle the succuba that's keeping us here."

"Good point."  He sipped his last beer.  "Finish up."  Sam did that and they headed out to handle the issue that kept drawing them back to this strip club.  They found her back in the office having the manager service her.  "What's wrong, babe?  Can't get a real man with the leathery wings?" Dean taunted.

She glared at him.  "Who're you to interrupt my fun?"

"Sam and Dean Winchester," Sam said with a grin.

She glared.  "Winchester.  Where do I know that name?"

"Hunters for years," Dean told her.  He shot at her, making her shriek and fade out then come back in a different spot.

"No, that wasn't it."  She considered it while Sam took aim.  "Oh, I know."  She moved herself again.  "You two just married Wozaataran's heir."

"Not really," Sam said.  "We're not like that.  His council decided it without our input."  He shot her.  Dean got her when he injured her.  She faded out.  They shared a look.  "We've got to find a way to annul that.  Before they decide to arrest whoever Xander's wearing himself out with."  They headed out, getting in the Impala to go back to their motel room.

Dean tapped his steering wheel with the music going.  "I think he hasn't been wearing it out.  He sounded kinda needy when he called a bit ago to complain about the councilor that gave him the virgins."

"That would be kind of funny.  Wouldn't they have to arrest them?"

"Not real sure," Dean admitted.  They and their car disappeared off the road.  They reappeared in a flash of light in front of the palace.  Thankfully he had good reflexes and brakes so they didn't crash into the palace.  "Not cute," Dean called as he got out.

The head of the guards came down to greet them.  "Go cure Lord Xander before his bouncy, violent spell destroys the building please, Consorts."

"We only wanted to be family protectors," Sam pointed out.  "Mostly because we're not down with the boy love."

Dean looked at him.  "Strange, rapper way of putting it, Sammy."

"The succuba got to my brain for a few minutes."  He looked at the guard again.  "We're not like that."

"We can provide you with chocolate to confuse your senses so you don't realize you're with a male if it'll help but please go calm him down?  He just broke the heavy bag off the chain."

They sighed, heading that way, Dean calling his father.  "We're at the palace.  Xander's pissed enough to break the heavy bag off.  Car and all, Dad, but got the succuba running the strip joint."  He hung up and walked inside, waving at the adoring guards who nearly drooled after them.  "Think they've got a lust spell going?"

"I think Xander's so frustrated that he's making them horny," Sam corrected.  They checked the workout room.  He wasn't there.  So they went to his suite, finding him pacing.  "Xander, they pulled us up to sex you up so you quit being so violent.  Need to talk?"

"No, I need laid," he muttered, pacing in the other direction.  "It's been weeks.  This isn't natural for me.  They won't even let Anya visit."

"If we can get the marriage annulled, you can have her all you want," Dean offered.

"No mystical marriage divorces," he complained.

"As in ever?" Sam asked.

"Nope.  I asked, they just smirked and said it was for the best.  Even though they might all be going up in flames when I get too frustrated next time."  He gave them a dirty look then went back to pacing.  "So I'm going to be frustrated sexually for the rest of my very long, nearly eternal life until I finally give up and starve myself to death.  How was your week?"

"Oh, you know, succuba in a strip club keeping customers there," Dean said dryly.  "Where are these council members?"

"In their meeting hall.  Somehow I accidentally locked them in magically in my frustrated state."

"Huh," Dean said, walking that way.  On the way he had his gun taken by one of the guards, who thoughtfully walked it back to the new gunlocker in their suite.  Dean shrugged.  "Not like I need it, dude."  He called his father on the way.  "There's no annulment that they'll admit to, Dad.  Congrats, you don't get grandkids unless you adopt Faith and she has some."  He hung up before looking at the door then casually lifting a foot to kick it in.  "Better."   He walked in and kicked the door shut.  "Gentlemen, and lady," he said with a nod.  "It really is no fair to sabotage Xander by making him so frustrated with the world in general."

"You could," one started.

Dean held up a hand.  "I like tits.  I like how women taste.  I don't want a man.  If I had wanted him, I could've been grateful for all the times he took away my boredom when my thigh was broken."  He stared them down.  "It was highly dangerous to do that to us in the first place.  Thankfully we were too involved in the battles to plan anything destruction related.  You see, Winchesters don't bend over for any demon unless it'll save the world.  And while sexing Xander up might save you guys, this is only one world."  He stared them down.  "You married us against our objections and against all reasons.  I don't want to be married to my little brother either by the way.  To humans, incest is a vile thing that gets you killed."  He stared around the group again.

"I'd fix it.  Soon.  Because Xander's not going to last much longer.  Oh, whoever sent the virgins, wouldn't that cause the same problem as Anya coming up would?"  He gave them another glare.  "Really, people.  Xander's just out of a relationship with a girl who could wear out dildos.  Do you really think he can go this long without and not be affected?"  He walked off again.  His point had gotten across.  He had seen the horrified realization of how bad Xander was going to become soon.  Because yeah, Xander was going to turn into a bouncy, violent young man who would be killing them for marrying him off to other straight guys.

Sam smiled as he walked past them.  "They in there?"

"Yup.  Feeling really sorry about it too hopefully."

Sam walked in after a quick stop in the library, putting a book down and finding the page he wanted.  Then he slid it to the head of the council.  "Xander's going to start destroying things to wear out that extra energy.  Not to mention the hellmouth radiation leaving him."  He smirked.  "And I still don't want to be married to my big brother.  He's a disgusting tit hound who'll sleep with any firm assed, big titted woman and I know way too much about his sex habits from the times they've bragged.  Especially when he went after twins.  So no, annul the marriage or however.  We don't really care.  We'll gladly fall back to family protector spots.  That's what we wanted originally and you guys wouldn't let it happen."

"The oracles said it was for the good of him.  That you two would help him," the lone female told him.

"We'd help him without having to try to calm him down too.  Because then he could date girls and get laid.  That'd make him calm down a lot more and faster than we ever could."

She groaned.  "Same sex relationships are more normal for us."

Sam shrugged.  "Oh well.  We were born human, we were taught to be human.  We don't personally care about who you fuck as long as they're able to consent and do consent.   Personally I don't see how people can sleep with vampires, but that's their thing.  I don't care if you see him screwing girls to be like we humans see those who screw dogs.  It's not happening right now.  And if someone tries to force it, they will end up destroyed.  Because if Xander can't, I can."

He smiled sweetly.  "Now, let's get on with however we do this so we're just family protectors and someone Xander can lean on for advice.  Before he causes more accidental magic as the hellmouth taint leaves him."  They groaned so Sam left.  They were talking quietly about how to cure that problem.  Sam handed the book back to the library and went to stop Xander from pacing.  "Xander, you're wearing out the rugs," he reminded him.  Dean had tried.  Xander growled.  "Dude, calm down before we summon a succuba."

Xander gave him an odd look.  "I tried one of those once.  She got very tired."  Dean gaped.  Xander shrugged.  "Apparently I had natural skills before Anya built my stamina," he said dryly.  "Or the hellmouth baby stuff came out when she fed off me.  She did say I tasted like chaos but that was back after I just got broken in."  He shrugged and went back to pacing.  Sam pushed him onto the couch.  "Hey!"

"Xander, the rug is probably priceless and a pain in the ass to replace," Dean told him.  "Calm down.  If we have to, we'll take you to Vegas and put you in a whorehouse."

Xander moaned.  "I haven't done that in years."

The head of the guards walked in.  "We can make the portal go there since part of the gardens are now sprouting milk from the fountains."  Xander snickered.  "We think perhaps you need to be spell cleaned as well, just in case this is some sort of magical accident, Lord Xander.  They did say that the consorts' tempers were very nicely calmer than yours."  Xander glared at him.  "Come, let us work to weed any other spells off you, then we'll let you go play somewhere on the human realm that might have working girls."  He walked him off to have their people take off all magic spells.  As they thought, it helped some.  Then they and the Winchesters went to a small, exclusive brothel outside of LA.  It was a demon place but they were known for their lack of talking to anyone.  He pointed.  "They married him to two straight consorts."  The madam snickered.  "Exactly.  His last girlfriend was Anyanka.  She was apparently next to a succuba."

"I see."  She looked Xander over, running a quick spell check on him.  "You forgot a spell."  She called in her tame sorcerer who worked for fun instead of income.  "Remove it so he can go play please?"  He looked then groaned and mumbled something as he removed the spell from Xander.  Xander looked happier but she led him to a room and let the women there pounce him.  She arranged the fees with the guard, who'd charge it to the one who cast the spells on him.  The two consorts stayed to make sure he'd be fine.  One texted someone on his phone but otherwise they were content to wait on their husband.   Sometimes political marriages made no sense to her.

***

D'Hoffryn looked up as a messenger demon appeared in his main hall.  "What do you want?" he asked it.  It was amusing someone had sent him a message.  Usually they just bellowed.

"Lord Lavetella's Council sends this, Great D'Hoffryn, so you can pass it onto those who it needs to go to."  He bowed, handing over the two envelopes then he disappeared.

He looked at the names on them, scanning the one to his vengeance demon.  He burst out laughing, summoning her there.  He held it up.  "It's amusing when a messenger demon shows up for you, Anyanka."  He handed it to her, watching as the magical summons took hold.  "There are those that aren't happy with your last curse."

"It wasn't my doing," she complained.  "I didn't curse him."

He stared at her.  "They know that.  You asked that witch to do it for you.  They're making you both responsible for the fees and to replace the things that he destroyed in his frustrated state."

She slumped.  "He'll pay it for me."

"I doubt it," he countered.  "He may have loved you but not that much.  Especially since it says it caused him to leak accidental magic that harmed the palace's grounds.  Something about milk geysers?"

She shuddered.  "I can't tell Willow that.  She'll kill me."

He smirked.  "I'll do that for you.  That's your summons to pay them for it."  He went to check on the witch, appearing outside the wards of the house she was in.  He walked up to the door and knocked, nodding at the furious looking witch who answered.  "I'm only the messenger.  She got caught."  He handed her the letter.  "It will activate when it touches her."

"Who are you?"

"D'Hoffryn.  I'm over wish demons, young woman.  One of mine came to Miss Rosenburg to cast a personal curse for her that would be outside her job duties."  He smirked meanly at her.  "She's now responsible for some of the cost of fixing what that curse caused.  His people said so."  He disappeared.

She walked the letter in to Willow, handing it to her, watching as the glow flowed up her arm and over her head.  "Well, open it, girl."

She opened it and moaned.  "I didn't do anything wrong.  Anya said it was just."

"Then she could've done it herself," she told her.  She took the letter to read, snorting at the contents.   "Isn't he your best friend?"

She moaned but nodded.  "He'll forgive me."

"His council apparently won't.  You've now got a debt to pay to them."  She handed it back and went to tell the other witches in the coven.  The girl clearly didn't stop to think now and then.  It was the only way she was that stupid at times.  She told Bobby and Tara as well.  Just so her girlfriend would hear it from a nicer source.

***

Tara opened Bobby's email when he only grunted at the new email sound.  "Oh, damn it."

Bobby snapped to attention, looking around.  Tara *never* swore.  He noticed what she was doing.  "Apocalypse?"

"Willow cursed Xander for Anya."  She let him see it, going to fume outside with the dog.  She settled in to pet him, letting him lean and slobber on her all he wanted.  "Maybe I don't need a girlfriend after all, Rumsfeld.  Maybe a nice puppy to go with Miss Kitty would do me good?"  She noticed her cat walking up Rumsfeld's back, earning her a dirty look from the human and the dog.  "Quit tormenting the dog, Miss Kitty.  Before you turn into your other mother."  She took her to cuddle too.  Rumsfeld didn't mind sharing the petting.  He even lapped the cat and seemed to doggy grin at her.  "I know, she's got kitty PMS from Willow probably."  She went back to cuddling them anyway.  Eventually she couldn't handle it anymore and put down her cat, then walked off into the woods.  She let loose a burst of frustration and magic, letting it bleed back into the ground.

Bobby looked out the back door at the pets, shaking his head.  "That girl's going to be beaten soon.  Willow has no idea what can of worms she opened."  He came out to pet both animals.  Tara came out looking much more calm and centered, coming back to pet them again.  "We can head to Oklahoma if you want."

"I can get there," she said quietly.  "Then back here in time for dinner."  She smiled at him.  "I'm stopping myself from doing that, Bobby.  Thank you anyway."

He grinned back.  "I can order a pizza, Tara."  He went back inside.

She looked at her familiar.  "He really shouldn't encourage me right now.  I might hurt her."  She tried to calm herself down but she so wanted to be with Willow.  She finally handed her cat to the dog and teleported off.  She walked into the house where Willow was.  "Excuse me, can I have her for a moment please?"

"Who're you, dear?" the older woman asked with a smile.

"Tara," she said quietly, making Willow flinch.  "I think we need to have a talk."

"We'll be beating her ourselves later."

Tara smirked.  "He's her best friend since the first day of school.  You can have your turn later."  She hauled Willow up and out back, taking her to the barn to have a ...talk with her.  If the other witches heard her screaming, oh well.   Sometimes Willow was just plain dumb.  She got interrupted by Faith and John.  "No,  you can't have her yet."

"Bet me," he told her.  "The witches said to come deal with her like I would my boys."  He looked at Faith.  "Can you take her inside and get her some tea, Faith?"

"Sure.  I don't think I need to see this."

"Don't hurt her?" Tara asked, staring into John's eyes.

"I won't kill her, Tara."

She smiled.  "Thank you."  She walked off with Faith.  "How is traveling?"

"Not bad.  I'm seeing a lot of stuff I never realized about.  Including that there's some really nice people out there."  They heard Willow scream and Faith walked her into the house by her arm.  "John's got her."

"Good," the elderly witch said.  She handed Tara a tea cup.  "You look like a tea sort, dear.  Or we have coffee."

"Tea's good," she agreed quietly.  "Thank you for trying.  I know now and then Willow doesn't seem to think before acting."

"This time either."

"What did she do?" Faith asked.  "Just in general terms?"

"Cursed Xander for Anya.  He already hasn't had sex in months.  He was so frustrated he was letting off accidental magic."  Faith winced.  "They sent him to a brothel after removing the spells."  She took a sip of her tea.  "This is very good.  I can't find a good herbal blend with grapefruit in it.  What brand is it?"  The box was pointed at.  "I'll have to look it up."  She smiled.  "They removed it from Xander.  He'll be fine once he's had some stress relief."

"Good.  He sounds like he's doing all right with the duty that got handed to him," the witch said.

Faith nodded.  "We've kept in touch with some gossip rings.  They say he's doing okay so far."

"Do you want some tea too, dear?" the witch asked.

"No thanks.  John's about coffee'd me out for the day and I was never a big tea person.  Not my scene."  Tara smiled at her.  "It wasn't."

"I know."  She patted her on the knee.  "How has it been besides long and interesting?"

"A lot of driving and I had to complain about some music now and then but he just snorts and said 'driver picks the music'.  After the second time I kinda knocked him out and got to pick the music while I drove and he napped.  When he woke up he wasn't happy but it was nicer."

Tara giggled.  "Sam complained about that too."

"I know why."  They looked outside at a wail from Willow.  "Hopefully he's just beating her ass."

"He promised not to kill her," Tara reminded her.

"True."  She looked at Tara again.  "How's the scrap yard stuff?"

"Bobby's very sweet and very intelligent.  He's letting me research whatever I want.  I even get to spoil his dog.  Miss Kitty's being a butt by tormenting Rumsfeld but he's really a big puppy."

"I saw the drool marks, I was hoping it was something like that," Faith teased.

Tara blushed.  "I don't cheat, Faith.  I'm not that sort of girl."  She gave her a nudge back.  "Any cute things on your trip?"

"Yup.  Knocked one down and wore him out too.  John only sighed so I guess he was having Dean flashbacks."  Tara nodded.  "Brothel?  X-man?"

"Apparently," she agreed.  "An exclusive, quiet one probably.  They don't have divorce or annulments up there from what we found.  Even though they made Xander marry Dean and Sam against their wishes."

"I'm surprised X didn't take some of those excess weapons to 'em," Faith said.

"I think he considered it but Dean didn't want to waste them."

"Hmm, good point."  John walked in.  "She need bruise cream or stuff for whip marks?"

"Don't tempt me," he said, cracking Faith up.  "Tara, I think she wants to apologize."

"She can write Xander an email like the rest of us.  Supposedly he's busy wearing out what she caused."  She finished her tea and squeezed the witch's hands.  "Thank you for helping my temper calm down, ma'am.  It was very nice of you."

"We need more good witches with sense in the world, Tara.  You'll take our place some day if the Goddess is kind."  Tara smiled and got up, heading back to Bobby's to play with the dog some more.  And her cat when she pounced them.

John sat down, looking at her.  "I beat her good like her parents should have if they weren't book-writing shrinks."

"That does explain a lot," she admitted.

"They left Red alone all the time," Faith told her.  "Went on long trips without coming home between.  She and Xander raised each other."

"Xander has his vices but they were strengthened by his hunting," the witch told her.  "And his last girlfriend I suppose since I heard she's a bit insistent from Willow.  Hers seem to be not thinking before acting.  Which does breach the main rule of Wicca.  First do no harm means even to your friends."

"You won't hear an argument from me," Faith assured her.  "Magic creeps me out.  It's weird and creepy and funky stuff that I've never gotten into.  Even when it helps the slaying."

The witch patted her on the hand with a smile.  "Have you talked to Pastor Jim yet, child?  He's very good when you're stressed out from the hunting."

"We're on our way there now," John assured her.  "This is the slayer Faith.  She was called when Buffy died momentarily thanks to Xander knowing CPR."

"Interesting."  She smiled at her.  "You'll do fine, Faith, and learn a lot of healing while with John.  After all, he raised his two boys to be mostly moral young men.  Even if Dean will hit on female-shaped rocks at times."  Faith cackled, nodding some.  "You'll do fine with him as a guidance system."  She stood up.  "Should I take her an ice pack or just some tea?"

"Tea would help but she might need a warm bath.  I was a bit brutal since she's screwing up so badly.  She was warned back in Sunnydale she's on the edge of being a rogue."

"We heard.  We made her tell us all the spells she's done since she started magic."  She took some tea out to the girl.  When she got back, John and Faith had left.  She might not agree with all of John's methods but they did get results when you needed one quickly.

***

Xander came into the Council's room the next morning, looking much calmer.  "Thank you for putting up with me in that state.  It may happen again since I'm unlawfully married against my will to straight guys, but we'll figure it out."  He took his seat.  "Now, let's start with some serious discussion.  Why am I being made to fawn over that pink, jiggling thing with the purple hair?"

"They're a delegate from a mixed demon realm," the lone female on the council said.

"Hmm, and they want what?  Not even the translators have a clue what she's said."

"He," she corrected absently.  "He wrote it down for us."  She slid it down.  "He was just as frustrated, Lord Xander."

"I doubt that since I saw her...him, whatever showing signs of wanting to pounce."  He read it over then snickered.  "We do that?"  They all shook their heads.  "Didn't think so.  So I can say a polite 'no' and they'll go home?"

"No," she said with a smirk.  "They'll want reasons."  She slid down a long list to him.  "There you go, translated into their language.  You can hand it to him.  He understands that you don't know his species' language at this time."

Xander stared at her.  "I barely passed my native language's classes and I flunked French twice.  Keep the translators handy," he assured her.  He read it over.  "We can't add that it's disgusting?"

"No.  It's impolite."

He looked at her again then shrugged.  "Okay, and?"

"They'd become enemies."

"Fine."  He put the list down.  "Though the next person who curses me I'm going to give them to them."  The council all shuddered.  He gave them a sweet looking smirk.  "Exactly," he said cheerfully.  "Anything else I should know before I run from his flower-headed dick again?"

"Ummmm," she said.  "He was naked?"

"It was clearly popping out.  I tried really hard not to stare.  I had no idea anyone but Buffy wore their skirts that short.  It looked more like female genitalia to me but if you say he's a him then I guess it was his dick."

"Oh.  Eugh."  She shuddered.  "I'll go to the meeting with you, Lord Xander."

"Thank you."  He passed the list back to her.  "You're very diplomatic."

She smirked back.  "I have children, Lord Xander.  I can treat you and annoying diplomats like I do them."

He burst out laughing.  "That'd be fine.  I know I'm annoying now and then."  He looked around at them.  "Okay, next topic up for discussion?"

"Unlawful?" the head of the council asked hesitantly.  Xander went to get the same book Sam had, handing it over to him open to the right part.  He read it over and went pale.  "Ummm......"

"Yeah," Xander said dryly.  "So I'd fix it.  Soon.  That way I don't have to get frustrated by being married to men who won't touch me."  He grinned.  "Or who I won't touch."  He sat down again.  "Any other problems before I go down into town to work on the new housing development?"

"That's menial labor, Lord Xander," the councilor that had sent him the virgins pointed out.  "Why would you do that?  You hire people for that sort of thing."

"I spent the last few years doing that sort of thing," he said dryly.  "I like to work with my hands.  Though I don't do well with plants so I won't mess up the gardens beyond fixing the fountains my accidental magic leaks screwed up."  He looked at him.  "What did you want me to do between diplomatic visits?"

"Learn about the other diplomats?" he suggested.

"I have a whole file on the various diplomats, their species, their usual complaints, their usual plots, who's conspiring with who at the moment, and it reads a lot like a soap opera.  I've been over it twice and I'll keep going over it until I no longer pass out at the soap opera-like feelings it causes in me."  He leaned closer.  "In case you forgot, I learned a lot from the slayer's watcher.  Spent a lot of time researching too."  That got a shudder but a nod.  "Good."  He leaned back.  "I also know that I have a new cabinet to fill with things just to take out diplomats that're going to try to kill me.  Like the other weapons I'll be putting around the palace for safety and in case of sudden attack."

"You're a bit paranoid," the female told him patiently.

"Is that why the newspaper this morning noted that I had a six billion dollar, in gold, price on my head thanks to Wolfram and Hart not liking me taking over up here?"

She gasped.  "There's no way."  He went to get a copy of the paper, bringing it back to her.  "This is usually a gossip rag."

"I called home.  Spike said he's heard about it."  He sat down, putting one leg slightly against the arm of the chair but not over the arm.  There was a curve just below the arm that did nicely.  "So yes, I'm paranoid for a good reason.  Buffy's not pleased.  She's not-pleased enough to call Faith so they can go barge in on Angel to get his help bringing them down.  She's so pissed it makes PMS look like a fond time of the month.  I haven't seen her on this sort of rip since the sex demon tried to hit on her."  They all shuddered again.  Apparently someone had spread that rumor.  He grinned.  "So, the head of the guards has agreed to my paranoid arsenal around the palace.  He said I can have a guard who actually knows what construction work is to go with me when I go down to help build things.  Fortunately it's one of the ones I like anyway.  Any other topics we need to go over?"

"We did send your former girlfriend and Miss Rosenburg a bill for the damages they caused, Lord Xander," the head of the council stated.  "Magically binding of course.  That way they couldn't beg on your good graces."

Xander shrugged.  "Anya would try to get me to pay for it.  Willow would pout.  I'd ignore it until the guilt baking started."  They all nodded wisely.  "What happened when the witches she's with found out?"

"They sent for Mr. Winchester to have a parental discussion with her," the female told him with a smug look.  "Apparently hers didn't?"

"Hers wrote books, went on tours, and tried to overprotect her until she could speak, walk, and mouth off.  Then they quit taking her on trips."  They all glared.  "It's why she was free to help me raise myself when my parents were too drunk to."  He shifted to put his leg up over the arm of the chair.  "Before anyone asks, I got stung by a bee on my walk."  They all nodded politely at that.  "Any other issues?"  They shook their heads.  "Good, then get me the announcement for the fixing it thing by tomorrow if possible.  Let me know if more diplomats show up.  I'm going down to be useful."  He got up and walked out, heading to get his tools and the guard.  "C'mon, let's go do something more practical than primping and studying."

"Where are we going, Lord Xander?" he asked, hurrying after him.

"To do some actual work."  The guard gave him a horrified look.  "I'm not going to be able to just sit around and look pretty.  I'd go insane.  Dru would look competent, calm, and in control of herself by how insane I'd be."  He walked outside, waving at the guard out there.  "Going to the new housing project, tell me if there's more diplomats."  That got a funny look but a nod from the guard.  It was a good walk, it felt good to be outside too.  He walked up to the site, nodding politely at the foreman.  "I'm helping."

"Lord Xander?" he asked, looking confused.

"I spent the last two years working construction and the last few months leading my crew.  I'm bored."

"Ah!"  He nodded.  "Do you prefer interior or exterior?"

"I do interior better but I don't care if I'm planting sod at the moment.  Though I do suck at plants."

"That's fine.  We've got a good lot of wallboard going up on the upper levels."

"I'm your man.  Same method we use in Sunnydale?"

"Yes, sire."  Xander grinned and took a hard hat, walking onto his new job.  Even if he didn't get paid he'd feel better if he was doing something useful.  The guard followed, even helping hold sheets of wallboard while he screwed them in.  He got all the walls in a room done and came back to do the joint compound and tape.  Once that was smoothed down he moved onto the next room.  It was good to get back into the swing of things.  Much better than the pool too.  The construction foreman called the palace.  "Lord Xander is helping us by wallboarding," he told the receptionist.  She nodded once at that.  "Is he ill?"

"Bored.  He said he's been working for years, he's not going to stop now."

"Oh, good."

"Let us know if we have to correct any methods of his work.  We figure there's differences between our way and the human ways."  She hung up.

He went to check.  The first room was well done.  The joints were ready to be sanded once they dried.  He had done the ceiling as well.  He did seem to know what he was doing after all.  He went to check on his current room.  "You mud all at once?"

"Sure do.  It's faster to do it that way and lets you know if anything has to shift, which would mean redoing the joints if it did."  He looked over with a happy, sated grin.  "Because now and then a board will shift some and you'll get cracks.  This way everything's set and I can do that all at once so no wasting mud."

"Good reasoning, Lord Xander."

"While I'm working I'm only Xander."

"Sure, I can do that," he agreed, mentally swatting himself.  "We take lunch in about an hour."

"I can do that."  He got back to work.  The guard was still giving him odd looks but oh well.

The foreman went to make a note in his log about this.  It wasn't every day you had a royal person on your construction crew.

***

Dean and Sam walked into Bobby's, Sam hugging Tara.  "We're back," Sam said with a grin.

"I can see that," Bobby agreed.  "What happened?"

"We had to take Xander to a very nice brothel to wear out the rest of the aggression problem he was having thanks to not getting any."  He flopped down, looking at Tara.  "We heard Dad got her.  Can she sit yet?"  Tara shook her head.  "Good.  Means Dad was just as hard on her as he was on us."  She smiled slightly, shaking her head but going back to her reading.  "Anyway.  Before they took us we did the succuba that was running a strip club in Iowa."  Bobby made a note of that.  "Also there's a price on Xander's head.  Heard it from Spike."  Tara gave him an alarmed look.  "Something about a law firm.  Animal names.  Something Harry Potterish....."

"Wolfram and Hart," Sam said.

"Yeah, them.  Six billion in gold."  Tara sighed, moaning a bit at the end.  "What?" Dean asked her.

"Angel's been having problems with them," she told him.

Dean smirked.  "We saw Cordelia."  She gave him an alarmed look, eyes going wide, starting to pant, all of it.  "She came to check out her ex's new spouses," he said dryly.  "Decided we were good enough for him and warned us not to let Xander have too much chocolate.  We told her what had happened so she had a vision and then a migraine."  He gave her a smug look.  "Then she decided Xander would have all sorts of little bouncy babies who got high off the chocolate."

"Oh, dear.  Is she all right?"

"More or less," Sam said, sitting next to her.  "She's calmer now.  Wesley reminded her that he couldn't infect her."  He grinned at her.  "Other than that, it's been a bit fun.  Xander was making magical accidents with the hellmouth taint that was leaking out of him.  Made some of the fountains shoot milk instead of water."  She shuddered.

"He's calmer again.  Only took three pros," Dean assured her.  Bobby gave him a horrified look.  "Anya was needy."

"She complained a lot if he didn't give her enough," Tara agreed.  "Is he really all right?"  Both boys nodded.  They all stared outside when they heard an engine puling up the driveway.  "It's John and Faith."

"Cool with us," Dean assured her.  "We like Faith.  She's less stiff than Buffy is."

Tara smiled.  "Buffy needs a new boyfriend."

"I'm only for the playing, Tara, not for the keeping yet," Dean said dryly.  His father and Faith walked in.  "Hey.  We got he succuba in Iowa that was running a strip club."

Faith stared at him.  "Is that why B's having flashbacks to the one that hit on her that she ended up ripping to pieces by hand?"

"Maybe," he said with a grin.  "Or that we had to take Xander to a brothel to cure him last time.  Oh, might be careful.  Some law firm in LA put a bounty on his head, Dad."

"I'll look into that."

"Spike told us," Sam said, waving at Faith, getting a grin back.  "How's the trip been?"

"Not bad so far even if I did have to knock him out to get control of the music and the truck."  John gave her a dirty look but she just grinned.  "You said I had to drive to pick the music, J."

Dean snickered.  "I do the same thing to Sammy when he whines, Faith.  Driver picks the music.  The passenger can shut his cakehole."

Faith looked at Sam.  "Knocked him out many times?"

"Not yet but the next time I do he's going to wake up to David Arkenstone."  She cackled at that, leaning on John's arm to hold herself up.  Tara swatted him but she was giggling as she went to put on water for tea and coffee.  She even remembered to add holy water to the pot so Bobby could relax again.

"Any other reason my place is the preferred Winchester meeting grounds?" Bobby asked them.

"Happy coincidence?" Dean teased.  John nodded at that.  "Any new jobs coming up, Bobby?"

"And how's Ellen?"

"She's fine, boys.  She's not real sure you two weren't tragically tainted for good."

"Xander has the book on how illegal it was to marry us against our wills," Sam said dryly.  "We'll be family protectors again very shortly."

"That way I'm not married to my dorky little brother there ever again," Dean agreed.  Tara came out to give him a hug then went back to making coffee for the boys and tea for herself.  She brought out the tray, handing it over.  "Remembered the holy water?" he teased with a grin.

"I did.  Last time I forgot."  She sat down with her own tea, looking at Faith.  "Are you staying overnight?  You can share my room, Faith."

"Not sure yet.  That's up to the big lug there," she said with a head nod at John.  Who shrugged.

"If you are, go buy groceries.  I'm out," Bobby said, sipping his coffee.  "Good job, Tara."  She smiled at him.  "Hear anything new from up there?"

"Xander's buying new weapons for stashes around the palace," Dean said.

"He texted earlier that he was working on one of the housing projects they had going up.  Apparently they thought he was going to be a normal royal and primp all day.  He's doing wallboards today instead."  Tara smothered a grin by taking another drink.  "Took a guard with him to be safe," he assured her.

"They probably could use the help anyway," Dean admitted.  He finished his coffee and put his cup down.  "So, any hunts, Bobby?"

"Not that I've heard of.  Small werewolf preserve had a fence break last full moon but I'm sure they've got it fixed by now.  They're the sort to tie themselves up during the three days."  That got a mass nod.  "Pretty nice folk overall.  A few hunters I know watch out for them to have bad problems or one to get free and go after people.  Most of the time they have guards who tranq 'em and put them back."

"Which makes sense but it's a sucky future," Dean said.

"Willow's ex was one.  He locked himself up," Tara said.  "He had to fight a female were that wanted to kill Willow so she could have Oz."  Dean and Sam both grimaced at that.  "He ended up going to Tibet to find control of the wolf.  When he came back, he didn't change on the full moon but he did when he got too upset.  That's unfortunately how we met.  I wrote him a letter later saying I didn't blame him.  She had said she'd wait and didn't."

John looked at her.  "Huh?"

"When he left, she said she'd wait for him to come back.  Then we ended up clicking.  I had no idea about that promise until he showed up, sniffed me, went furry, and got captured by Riley's people."  John shuddered.  "They saved him, John.  He's back in Tibet."

"I'd like to learn more about that control method," Bobby said.  "Any tattoos or anything?"

"Henna on his chakras and beads in some places.  I don't know more than that.  I can write him and ask.  That way you can pass it onto that preserve if they want it."

"I'd like that," he agreed with a smile.  "Thanks, Tara."

"It's not a problem.  Things like that might help others.  It's usually not their fault that they got bitten.  He got bitten by his two-year-old nephew while babysitting."

"That's gotta suck, being a werewolf at that age," Dean said.  Sam nodded, finishing his coffee.

"You two drove me enough nuts at that age, that would've ended what little was left of my sanity," John told him.  "We probably all would've been shot some full moon when I went outside to howl and a hunter caught you two causing hell while I was locked up."

Dean smirked.  "You say some of the sweetest things, Dad."  His father reached over to swat him but he ducked with a laugh.  "Getting slow, Dad."

"I can still kick your ass, Dean."

"Maybe.  But Xander did give us some goodies before we left today."  He gave him a smug look.

"I don't think you need artillery, son."

"Nope, got demons parts that emit a sleeping gas when exposed to the air.  Got a few other neat things too."  John stared at him in horror.  He smirked back.  "It works pretty well.  The sleeping gas thing knocked Sammy out after a vision. Kept him down long enough to get some real sleep."  Sam glared at him.  "Didn't it?" he asked smugly.

"I'm going to kick your ass for that, Dean."

"Uh-huh."

"Blue, kinda messy looking skin?" Tara asked.  They nodded.  "If you use it too often you can get addicted.  Some vampires eat them to get high."

"Good to know.  If he needs it, I'll use it sparingly," Dean assured her, giving her a pat.  John was still shaking his head with a light moan.

"Do I know them?" Faith asked.  Tara got her laptop to pull up the demon identification site they used, finding it for her.  "Oh them!"  She grinned and nodded.  "Not great fighters and they wander around like pot smokers.  The only one I slayed tried ta hug and grope once."  Tara giggled.  "He did!  Slimy hands on my last clean jeans of the week."  She finished her coffee and put it down on the table next to Sam's.  "So, nothing going on anywhere?"

"Hunter's picnic in a few weeks sponsored by Ellen but I'll have to make sure she won't sic anyone on the boys," Bobby offered.  He reached over to grab his phone, calling her.  "Ellen, Bobby.  Have all three Winchesters here.  Yeah, they're fine.  Drank holy water, moved out of my devils trap, all that."

"The marriage is being annulled soon," Sam called.

"That too," Bobby agreed.  "No, they're perfectly normal.  That's what I was wondering.  Sure, we can head there tonight.  We'll see you in a few hours."  He hung up.  "She said to stop by."  He got up with a groan, helping Tara out of the squishy spot on the couch.  "Go get pretty.  I'll make sure Ash doesn't flirt this time, Tara girl."  She blushed but went to do that.  "You two too.  You look like hell."

"Long night making sure they didn't keep Xander at the brothel," Dean admitted, heading for the bathroom.  Sam headed for another one.  John went to find one for himself and Faith took Dean's when he was done to use it for bodily functions.

Bobby shook his head.  "Gotta remember to get more toilet paper before they use it all," he muttered.  He did walk far around the bathroom Faith was using.  John had clearly been cooking by how bad it stunk this time.

***

Ellen looked at the boys, splashing them with holy water.  "How in the hell?" she complained.

"Well, first, they're not that sort of demon, Ellen," Sam said, sitting on the nearest bar stool.  "They're of the born different, not of the hell-born spawn classes.  Secondly, it's not like we changed species.  Even Xander's still human.  He just got fed from their sacred spring and got adopted thanks to that.  They can adopt any species they want that way."  She nodded slowly.  He took Tara's laptop to get into the demon identification site, letting her read it.  She blinked, staring at it then at him.  He grinned.  "Xander was adopted when he was little.  His parents did it for some sort of favor.  Their oracles decided we'd make him good husbands but they're fixing it shortly.  Then we'll just be his family's protectors."

"That's good to know."  Ash came over to look over her shoulder.  Then he snorted.  "Know them?"

"Heard of their last ruler.  What happened to him?"

"Decided he couldn't handle it anymore and starved to death," Dean said, sitting beside his brother.  "That's when they came hunting heirs and found Xander in the hospital."

"We heard he was in there.  That's when your dad decided to visit."

"Rosenburg decided his diet needed fixed so she bound him away from chocolate without knowing he was adopted by them," Sam explained.  "He didn't even know until the heir hunting team told him."

"That's interesting," Ash agreed.  "I've been looking at his history.  Zombies?"  They both shrugged.

Tara got a look but she shrugged too.  "Before my time probably."

"Probably."  He went back to reading over Ellen's arm.  "They sound nice."

"They're very happy, slightly strange, very gentle people who didn't even have a National Guard unit," Dean told him.  "People keep giving Xander funny looks for having weapons."

She shook her head, handing Tara the laptop back.  "I suppose it could be worse."

"Actually, the hellborn ones can take them over and possess them," Sam said.  "They're basically like a different species of humans in a lot of ways, only they need the chocolate after they're exposed to it."

"Evolutionary diversion?" Ash asked.  Dean nodded.  "An interesting thought but one to make someone like Pastor Jim drink."

"Xander keeps blowing their minds by not being a stuffy royal sort.  He went to help work on a construction project earlier."

"Huh," Ellen said.  "I guess it's fine if you two come to the picnic.  You're not tainted.  You're not reacting to anything holy?"  Sam lifted his cross.   "Hmph.  Fine.  I suppose, but others have heard when your dad said you got married off against your will."

"They had stand-ins do it," Sam said blandly, giving her a dirty look.  Someone came up behind them but Tara made him hit the ceiling with a scream as his sword dropped out of his hand.

Dean looked up at him.  "Hey, Thomas.  Thought you were in Sunnydale."

"You're unholy now!" he said, struggling.  "Put me down before I burn you at the stake, girl!"

"You touch Tara and we'll make your last few minutes miserable," Dean assured him.  "Let him hit the floor, Tara.  We can kick his ass."  She let him down gently.  She also held down his sword so he couldn't get it.  "Dude, get a life.  Really.  We weren't turned.  Tara's a white witch who's studying with Bobby.  Why aren't you in Sunnydale?"

"Buffy sent him away for being a dick before she fed him to Spike in little, tiny chunks," Ash said, getting another drink and walking off again.  He smirked at Faith.  "Pretty."

She gave him a look over.  "I'm too tired to put up with drunks.  They can't preform near well enough to get me hot and heavy.  So no, sorry."  He snickered, patting her on the arm as he walked past her.  He didn't even try to grope.  She gave John an odd look.

"That's Ash.  He's just...him."

"Sure, I get that.  Hey, Ellen.  Can I please have a soda?  I'm all coffee'd out again."  She handed her one.  "Thanks.  No Jo this time?"

"Nope.  She's cowering in her room afraid that Dean will drag her into the demon planes he's been to recently."

Faith snorted.  "They're damn nice folk."  She opened the can and took a drink, gulping it as someone stomped in with a shotgun.  He pointed it at John so she crushed the can on his forehead, making him scream in pain.  "Dickhead," she snorted.  "Try it again."  She stared down at him.  "Really."

"Who're you?" he demanded.  "Some girly hunter?"

She leaned down.  "I'm a slayer, dear.  I'm Faith."  He went pale.  "Yeah," she said with a smirk.  "You're interrupting my calming down time away from J driving us nuts with his bad music.  Sit down and be a good puppy.  Before I have to get mean and evil again."  He got up with a yank from her, being stood on his feet after she made sure he realized she had picked him up.  "There ya go.  Have a beer and sulk over being less good than a girl."  He pouted all the way to the bar.  She looked at Ellen, who tossed her another can of soda while she was drawing him a beer from the tap.  Wisely the boys didn't snicker at him.  She tapped the can a few times before opening it to take a drink.  "Always fun here, Ellen.  More floor shows coming?"

"We've been busy recently but most of them know that Dean and Sam aren't tainted, just unfortunately married to one."

"X is still fully human," she assured her.  "Just a bigger chocolate freak than he was before this."

"It took three pros to wear him out once they removed all those spells," Dean told her.

"He had some virgin talent when I pounced him that once, plus Anya probably rode him hard and put him away sweaty and trying hard to catch his breath a number of times.  It only took three?"  He smirked at her.  "How long?"

"Five hours," Sam told her, making John whimper.  "Yeah, he's got to find a mistress or something."  He looked at her.  "I need a new girlfriend."

She nodded.  "Might help, yeah.  That way you could discourage them from keeping you three married."

"They didn't care about incest," Dean said dryly.  "And took him from Anya."

"Who is she?" Ellen asked.  "She sounds familiar."

"Anyanka?  Over women scored?" Tara said.  "I'm sure someone's run into her handiwork before.  I know she came to brag about her latest cursing.  Some guy hit his wife for not putting back up the toilet seat for him.  His wife decided to make him the only working indoor toilet in the whole village."  Ellen burst out laughing, banging a hand on the bar.  Tara smirked.  "Exactly.  He realizes it too she said.  Fortunately she said the village was small, only about sixty people using him until he dies or breaks down, however that works."

Dean shuddered.  "That's disgusting and so damn bad, Tara."

"She's like that when she's working," she quipped.  She gave him a pat on the arm.  "It'll be okay.  You won't have her called on you."

"God I hope not," Sam said.  "I'd hate to have to burn down the toilet to free him and end his suffering."  John nodded at that.

Ellen burst out in a new set of giggles.  "I can see that!"  She walked off to tell that to her daughter.   Plus to spread the news that the Winchesters weren't tainted and were still pretty normal, just a bit more warped.  It'd keep people from being beaten by one of the group.

Tara looked over as someone ran in with a scream, frowning.  "That's a demon."  She stopped it and floated it off the ground, making it struggle.  "What are you doing in here?"

"They left Lord Lavetella!" he shouted, trying to get down.

"Dude, they married us against our wills and we're brothers," Dean told him.  "Get over it.  We're friends, not husbands."  The demon pouted.  "Now scoot, kid, this is a hunter's bar."  Tara let him down and he ran off.  He reached over the bar to get his own beer.  He handed one to Sam, then one to Bobby and his father too.  He handed Tara and Faith a can of soda then he popped his beer to take a drink.  "Damn, that's better."

John sat on Dean's other side.  "It'll be fine, son.  Some day it'll calm down."

"You hope.  With that price on Xander's head it might be a while."

"Then you can go back up there for the annulment," he said.  He took a sip, nodding at Ellen as she came out.  "We shooed off the demon who was pissed that they're not sleeping with Xander."

"That's fine.  Pay for the beers, boys."  They put down money.  "Thank you."  Tara put down a dollar for her soda.  "I don't charge designated drivers, Tara."

She smiled.  "I don't drive."

"I'll be fixing that," Bobby assured her.

"I'm nervous."

"So?"  He looked at her.  "If you have to get away that way, you'll be able to."

"I can but I'm too nervous to be behind the wheel without a nerve pill and they're bad for me."

"We'll work on it around town, Tara.  Practice takes some of the nerves away."  He looked at Faith then at John.  "She need the work too?"

"Yup.  A lot."

"B aims her car at the sidewalks to hit demons," Faith told him.  "At least I kept the truck on the road, John.  I didn't even hit the hitchhiking demon."

"That was good of you," he said dryly.  "You're still getting driving lessons, girls.  One of us will do them."

"I gave Sammy his," Dean said quickly.  "That was more than enough for me."  He took another drink then shuddered.

Xander appeared, putting down a ten, taking some beers from Ellen.  "Thank you.  The pink, jiggly thing that wants people to play with and then eat once they're too tired came back and tried to hit on me again by putting out his flowery dick.  I'm in for complaints because he touched me and I nicely ripped the dick off for him before he could try anything else."  He disappeared with his six pack.

Sam looked up.  "Pink, jiggly thing?" he called.  Xander came back with the briefing sheets, handing them over before he disappeared again.  He found that one, then shuddered, hading it to his father since he had the strongest stomach of any of them.

Faith looked over John's shoulder.  "Killed two of those for wanting a threesome with me.  B got a few too.  Good job to rip it off.  It's not that easy to do."  She took another sip of her soda, making John give her an odd look.  "What?  Like I wanted it to touch me?"

"No, probably not."  He read it over, then handed it back to Bobby, who could use it to learn more about demons.  "Sounds like a reasonable action to me."

The head councilor appeared, nodding politely at Ellen.  "Um, Family Protectors, could you please come calm him down?"

"Let him rant," Dean advised.  "He'll get it out of his system in a few minutes.  That's why he came down to get a beer or six."   He looked back at him.  "Is that one sorry?"

"Quite and his leader was not impressed with him hitting on our new leader, but was quite impressed with Lord Xander enough to start off on a mating binge."  They all shuddered at that.  "Just let him pace and rant?"  They all nodded but Tara whispered in his ear.  "I can do that.  Thank you, Tara."  He disappeared, going to order that for him.  It'd make him feel better to have some twinkies and ice cream for a bit so they could honor that.  It really was most rude of that diplomat to hit on their leader.  Against all diplomatic codes.

Tara looked at them.  "I told them to give him some ice cream and twinkies.  He'll feel better in the morning."

Ellen took the briefing sheets.  "Who're these guys?"

"The diplomats who'll be bothering Xander soon," Sam told her.  "He said it's better than the demonic soap his ex got him to watch with her."

"I can see that.  Intrigue, playing around, attempts to take control of things that they want but can't have.  All they need are a few baby's mommas."

"They keep those hidden.  It's not polite," Dean said with a grimace.

"Ah, that sort.  Good to know."  She went back to her reading, handing them back to Bobby.  "How many other species are there?  I know that there's a lot but how many?"

"The online source I use has over ten thousand listed," Tara offered.  "No one knows for sure since there are some cross-breeds.  One's very sweet.  Helps us a lot with news from the kitten poker circuit.  His name's Clem."

"Clem was very nice and very polite around me," John agreed.  "Wrinkly, sagging skin, huge paws, but a nice guy underneath.  I have no idea why you play poker for kittens but I'm not sure I want to know either."

Sam grinned.  "Some play for food, some play for boredom, some play to have something to play with.  Spike trades his for cash for cigarettes, blood, and liquor."

"Figures," John agreed.  "Someone really should unchip him.  It'd be a pain in the ass to have him back functioning but it's almost...cruel and torturing him.  Especially since he's helping the team out there so often."  Ellen gave her the oddest look.  "I'm not into torturing them, Ellen, just killing the bad ones.  I can't agree with torture."

Tara nodded.  "Willow and I agreed.  But the first thing he would do is make us all very sorry.  Supposedly Angel was looking into it as his sire, but he's been busy being a Champion of the Powers That Be.  He doesn't really like Spike or Dru from what I heard though."

"Dru's batty, that's why," Sam told her.  He looked at Dean.  "The only vampire in all of the town.  Hadn't seen any demons in *months*.  No one turned, nothing like that in the news.  Not even a haunting going on from an OD'd frat brother."  Dean grimaced.  "But one night at a club, this loony, swaying, long haired, Victorian dress wearing, pale woman walked up to me and started to babble that her stars said that I'd meet a good friend who would...."  He paused.  "She said he would solve the problem of the blood that called out to mine and that the hunting would be sweeter then.  That he'd bring new life to my grief and doom, plus that her kitten would be good and hiss at me all I needed when I got needy.  Heard from Spike who it was later."  He took another sip.  "She's a seer?" he asked Tara, who gave him a smug look and nodded.  "Shit."

"Spike said she's always right when the stars talk to Miss Edith, but sometimes you have to translate.  The mob in Prague made her that way.  Though he did say she was loony before."

Sam shuddered.  Dean patted him on the back.  "Seers like her happen, dude.  Calm down. Be thankful you aren't one."

"I am.  I just realized that she was right."  He took another drink at the amused look from Ellen.  "It's not often a vampire walks up to you in a club, doesn't want to try to at least nibble on you, and gives you a prophecy."

"No, it's not.  Thankfully."  She patted him on the head and handed him another beer, getting a grin back.  "MaryBeth said she made Spike quit smoking," she told Tara.

"Hmm, his last email said he got her back for that.  A few of the guys who were newly turned captured her, tied her up, and sold her to some slaving demons.  He taunted her until she said she'd put up with secondhand smoke as long as he cut the ropes around her.  He did and they tore the demons up.  Spike got the money they had and all their other stuff to sell.  She went to take a long, hot bath.  Buffy went to complain to the rest of the clan that hadn't been there, making them flee for their lives."

Faith nodded.  "About what I'd do too," she agreed.  "She good?"

"Spike said they didn't touch her, just taunted her.  Called her a lesbian a few times until she shot back she'd slept with men more recently than their gay butts had."  She sighed.  "Willow just appeared nearby guys.  I can feel her."  She walked in.  "What are you doing here?"

"I tried to apologize to Xander but I can't get up there."  She pouted.  "I want to apologize."

"He's had a bad day, Rosenburg," Dean said firmly.  "Leave him alone and write him an email."

"It's not the same."

"No but it'll have to do until he gets over having to rip the dick off some pink, jiggly demon who tried to touch him."

"Shoot."  She gave Tara a hug.  "I'm sorry I disappointed you," she said quietly.

Tara gave her a squeeze.  "You need to keep getting better, Willow.  It's a good step that you're finally apologizing for all the times you've magiced him."  She flinched.  "And I do mean it."  She nodded.  "Good.  Start with those here if you want.  It'll be good practice for when you go distract Xander tomorrow."  She nodded, moving Faith off to talk to her.  She gave John's arm a hug.  "Thank you."

"Welcome, Tara."  He smiled at her.  "We'll help her as long as she's getting help.  One more stunt though and she's getting more than my hand on her behind."

"I understand."  She went back to her soda.  "That's my girlfriend," she told Jo when she peeked out.

"She's pretty," she admitted, coming over to talk to them.  "So, chocolate?"

"They have a sacred spring," Sam told her.  "They're the ones who introduced cocoa plants to this plane."

"Wow.  I'd love them for it if they weren't demons.  Works to cure some of my bad days."  Her mother swatted her.  "It does.  Yours too."

"They're nice people," Sam assured her.  "Polite, nice, gentle people."

"Who can't fight worth a damn," John added.  "Even dueling."  Xander appeared to grab more beers.  "That bad?"

"Yup, sure is.  Now I've got nagging bastards so I'm going to hide in the gardens and wake up next week."

"Xander," Willow said.

He looked at her.  "Do not," he warned coldly.  "I'm not ready to bitch you out for that yet, Willow Rosenburg.  Right now I've got diplomatic problems with suckers who deserve to be staked, even if it won't kill them."  She backed off.  She knew that tone of voice.  "So I'm going to have a drink in the garden before I decide to go on patrol tonight."  He paid for the rest of the case and took it with him.  "Thanks, Ellen.  The guys said some very nice things about you."  He disappeared.

Willow shuddered.  "Someone's going to get it."

Tara called Buffy.  "Xander's in a 'kill them all and let Satan have fun with the parts mood'," she said quietly.  John and Dean both choked at that name for that temper of his.  "Beers at the moment.  Diplomats.  No, it's bad.  He just chewed on Willow.  He said he might but he's been drinking so no clue, Buffy.  Sure, if you need me, call."  She hung up and put her phone back in her skirt pocket.  "He'll be fine.  Someone may be very sore tomorrow but he'll be fine."  She looked at Dean.  "It's not often you hit the bottom of his temper but when you do, run.  He'll enjoy the chase."

He nodded at that wisdom.  "Buffy?"

"And Spike once.  He's the one who named that mood of his."  She went back to her soda, still calm.  Xander didn't get upset with her.  "I should find him a familiar or a puppy or something.  He likes Miss Kitty."

"Speaking of," Bobby said.  "Why is she tormenting Rumsfeld?  My poor dog just whines at her."

"I don't know.  I think she's pushing his boundaries until he finally acts like a dog to her but I'm not real sure.  Or maybe she thinks he's your familiar."  He shook his head.  "I try to keep her in the house, Bobby.  You know that."

"I do, Tara.  It's all right.  Rumsfeld is a big, happy dog, even when your familiar decides his head is her favorite napping spot."  John gave him a horrified look.  "Dog won't get up either.  Just lays there until she moves."

"She likes to frustrate him by walking up his back too," Tara agreed.  "He's never done more than sniff and lick her a few times.  She batted him on the nose the last time but he went back to it anyway.  They get along just fine but she treats him like he's a toy and a slave."

Bobby nodded.  "Cat's seriously warped anyway.  But a good judge of character.  Came out the other day when a local officer showed up and hissed at him until he backed into the devils trap, then hopped off to torment the dog again."  He took a sip of his beer, making Tara laugh.  "He was possessed."

"She's my familiar," she said happily.  "Even if Xander does spoil her rotten."

"It's nice she ate more of his breakfast than he did some days," Sam teased.

She shrugged.  "She does it to me too.  She's a horrible mooch but you can't train a cat that way.  She's a gift from the Goddess even with all her quirks."

"Some day I've got to introduce you to Missouri," Bobby decided.  He finished his beer and got comfortable with his next one.  "So anything going on tonight beyond the stupid young'nes, Ellen?"

"Not yet.  We'll have to see if they show up later."  She got Dean another beer too.

***

Xander appeared back in the palace, walking off with his beers.  One of the guards gave him a dirty look.  "It's this or I'm hunting," he said sweetly.   He dropped most of them in his suite, taking his and a spare outside to the garden shed.  That way they'd leave him alone.  It didn't have any real weapons but if he had to he could use a shovel as one.  He knew a few ways of using a shovel as a weapon.  He sipped as he surveyed the damage he had done, going to fix it since he wasn't busy at the moment.  It'd give his temper something to wear itself out on that didn't involve a weapon.  Though he could probably use a trowel as one if he got really needy.  He was even muttering to himself about that while he worked.  But hey, it was nicer than the diplomats.

The guards went to get the head of the council, who listened for a few minutes then went to take care of the diplomatic problem with the newly chosen heir.   She was nicely content to just play mind games with them now and then to keep Xander more evenly balanced.  He walked up to her suite, knocking on the door.  "Lady Estria, Lord Xander is presently out muttering about diplomats while fixing the damage his outburst caused in the garden.  He's nicely muttering he won't use the gardening implements as weapons at this moment."

She grimaced.  "Which one did what this time?  I know the pink one was bothering him earlier."

"Oh, yes, but he had to be taken to a healer because he...flowered and it touched Lord Xander's leg.  Lord Xander kindly removed the offending part.  Literally."

She laughed.  "Knife?"

"Ripped it off I do believe."  She stared in awe.  He nodded.  "Now we've had two others appear and be huffy because he's not formally dressed and he's clearly inferior and other things they complained about until he went to earth to find a few beers.  Some of which are in the garden with him."

"I'll come complain back to them."  She grabbed an over-robe, walking out to find them shouting.  "Do shut up now, thank you," she said quietly, making them stare at her.  "Lord Xander is presently not happy due to a diplomat earlier.  I am his heir.  He's out wearing out his frustration before he goes to hunt down the ones who have a price on his head.  Is there something I can do for you?"

"Why did he pick you?" one sneered.

"Because I'm more likely to use diplomacy than a weapon," she said dryly.  They all backed away from her.  "Lord Xander is the same Xander that helped the Slayer Buffy in Sunnydale.  We all upset him earlier.  It's best to let him calm down for a bit.  Now, is there anything I can help you with?"

"He still hunts?" the one sneered.

She shrugged.  "Before he only hunted the harmful things and vampires with her.  I'd assume he'd do the same now if he was.  It's nice, the Oracles chose two hunters to be his family's protectors."

"We heard mates," one noted.

"We had them married by stand-in since they were off at a battle.  Lord Xander has protested that he only wanted them as family protectors and that to do it that way was illegal.  They'll be moved back to family protectors at their instigation," the head of the council said.  "We were trying to do something to help him find a quicker balance in his new role."

"That's not unreasonable," the third of the diplomat problems agreed.  "We heard he was betraying the royal code by being menial?"

"Lord Xander spent the last few years doing construction.  He likes to work," Estria told him simply.  "He's insistent that he's going to continue whenever he's bored up here."

She grimaced.  "That is not how royals do things."

"Lord Xander is not like any other royals," Estria said firmly.  "Nor is he like any other person you've ever met.  He's very unique, and if you don't piss him off, very nice and tolerable.  If you do, well, I don't think many haven't regretted it."  She stared that one down, making him flinch.  She looked at the other two.  "Since he's had such a long day I doubt he'd be in here later tonight to talk to you.  Why don't you go to your rooming houses for the night and send word tomorrow about what you wish to talk to him about?  He seems to prefer that method so he has time to look pertinent details up and give you time to rest."

"That's why we're putting in the new welcoming center," the head of the council agreed.  "So diplomats can come in, hand over an itinerary, and then go settle in before coming to talk to him.  That way we don't have any more exhausted people up to negotiate but you're all given full honors."

The fussy one nodded at that.  "That is befitting our station.  Where will it be?"

"Near the better hotels, ma'am," Estria told her.  "That way it's a short jaunt to get settled in and you have time to wander through the market on your way up here.  Or find something as a souvenir on the way back before you go."

She smirked.  "Which increases your market's traffic.  That's nearly ingenious."

"Lord Xander's idea so he didn't have to deal with tired people who just got here," she admitted.  "Plus it lets him meet you on a less  than formal footing since he's not really a formal sort."  She smiled.  "If you want, we can have you escorted back tonight.  I notice your usual guards aren't here."

"I left them at home guarding my daughter.  She's about to give birth."

"Congratulations," Estria said honestly.  "I hope it's healthy."  The soon-to-be grandmother smiled and nodded slightly at that.  "I'll tell Lord Xander at his morning briefing so he'll know you might have to leave at a moment's notice as well."

"That would be acceptable.  I thank you."  She stood up.  "We'll let him do whatever he's doing that's menial now."

"A few days back a witch who was a friend cursed him and it caused him to leak accidental magic.  He's fixing some of the damage he caused in the gardens by making our fountains shoot milk instead of water."  They all looked alarmed.  She shrugged a bit. "She's been fixed but he likes to work with his hands.  It's the sort of man he is."

"We'll keep that in mind," the sneering one said distastefully.  "I've come about that trade situation you're starting."

"It was suggested since we did have so much more to harvest this year we could add to the foreign trade surplus plus also make sure there were emergency supplies on hand in case of another cave-in like on Ptolemy."

She shuddered but looked disgusted.  "That was horrible.  They should have known better though."

"Some of those caves had been in use for centuries from what we heard," Estria told her.  "Ancient homes and their nursery.  That way we'd have supplies we could send to help them out.  We'd all hate to see anyone suffer."

"I suppose that's generous but you're adding too much surplus to your external shipments."

The head of the council shrugged.  "That may affect our supplies' prices but that shouldn't affect others' dealings.  Plus it's going to a few new places.  Lord Xander rightly reminded us some of our people are on Earth so we moved into some markets down there as well.  That way we're not looking bad to those who had less generous harvests."  She stomped off.  The other one walked off shaking his head in amusement.  He looked at her.  "Thank you."

"They'd send me into a fit as well," she said quietly.  "I'll brief him tomorrow on the upcoming problems."

"We left him a briefing sheet but we think he's shared them with the family's protectors."

"That's reasonable.  Some of them might go to them to see if they could change his mind about things."  She smiled.  "He'll even out once he's more used to the insanity that they cause.  Even if he does end up using some gardening implements on someone who bothers or upsets him too much."  She walked off, going back to her dinner.  She looked outside.  She had beautiful french doors that led onto the garden's nearest path.  "Lord Xander?" she called, heading over to where he was working on fixing some small fences.  She squatted next to him.  "They've went home for the night to complain to their own people.  I have pointed out you're not like other royals to the one who thought you were weird and wrong.  The one who was complaining about us selling too much of our harvest was told we went into other markets.  The other didn't really specify a complaint but he'll send one up since I told him to. You can have a full briefing tomorrow for breakfast.  For now, just calm down.  The sneering one who doesn't understand liking to work is about to be a grandmother so she might be leaving suddenly."

"That's a happy thought."  He blinked at her.  "How often do I get to do this?"

"After this first round they won't be ganging up like this," she assured him with a pat on the shoulder.  "It's just where you're new that they all want to set up good relations."

"I like people a lot when they leave me alone."

"I know but they're diplomats and things like that have to happen."  She stood up.  "It's a nice job on the fence, Lord Xander.  Oh, the blue things are weeds, the others are flowers that bloom at sunrise.  Very pretty things."

"I might be out here then."

"No, sleep some tonight.  If you're grumpy they'll expect you to always be grumpy."  She smiled.  "They all grew up like your friend Cordelia did.  Wealthy and spoiled.  Think of them like that."

"So they're the cheerleaders of their people?"

"In many ways diplomats are.  They're here to mainly tell you about how good their people are and what we usually do with them.  Mostly to make sure nothing's changed and we're on friendly terms."

"I can deal with them like that but not all at once and no sneering."

"That will be spread around.  The diplomats are highly known to each other.  We all hung in the same clubs basically."  He nodded, understanding that.  "They know who I am for all the work I did for Wozaataran.  We also told them about the welcoming center and how it'd help by treating them as their station demands."  He smirked.  "One thought it was an ingenious way to increase traffic to our markets."

"That too.  Less time I have to deal with fussy people too."

"Very true and for that it's brilliant."  He beamed.  "So finish up and eat something so you don't have a thundering hangover tomorrow.  Not even healers can cure those.  Have a better night, Lord Xander."  She left him to his mending job.  He now had keys on how to be less frustrated by the stupid people that couldn't hold a real job but were too rich to be left alone to cause problems, so they were politically appointed to be a diplomat.

Xander went back to his mending, replanting the few plants he had taken out by accident before getting up and moving to the fountain to make sure it wasn't damaged.  He noticed the guards weren't very close by but that was fine with him.  He wasn't used to bodyguards.

***

Xander walked up to the head of the Council the next morning, staring at him.  "Your wife is very well spoken and quite the fussy sort."  He went pale.  "I ran into her pacing around last night when I had a nightmare and couldn't get back to sleep.  She was worried that I was going to hang you by your toenails off the tower for marrying me off."  He gave him a dirty look.  "Is she pregnant?  I've only seen pregnant women that fussy."

He smiled.  "She does want to be.  The healers are encouraging her fertility right now," he said quietly.  "I'm sorry if she annoyed you."

"No, I liked her.  She had common sense.  It's a rare thing apparently in politicians and higher ups."

"That is why I married her."

"Good.  By the way, the one who sent me the virgins, he won't have a job.  You will because you actually explain shit to me.  You can tell her to calm down and quit worrying about feeding your future offspring."  He walked around him.  "Gotta go deal with fussy people."

"I'll let her know, Lord Xander."  He smiled at his back.  Yes, the man was quite like his wife now and then.  He hadn't realized it before but clearly they shared some qualities.  He walked into the Council chamber.  "I just ran into Lord Xander.  I had no idea my wife was pacing around last night but they talked."  He took his seat.  "They're a lot alike I realized."

The lone female member considered it then smiled.  "They are.  That same heir of the plain people."  The others stared in horror.  "Really, they are."  She looked at him.  "Did he say anything else?"

"He asked if she was pregnant.  She was being fussy and worrying while pacing.  He couldn't sleep after a nightmare so they talked when he ran into her."  He smiled.  "He's off to deal with diplomats."  The head guard came in.  "Ah.  Good.  Do you have a report on how effectual your guards are in relation to this price on his head?"

"Not very.  Lord Xander is slightly a loner but he likes company.  He doesn't understand being bodygaurded but he likes company.  I'm going to assign very calm guards around him.  Probably two man teams.  Lady Estria's team is going to be more tricky because of her children."

"None of us would hurt children," the one who had given Xander the virgins pointed out.

"Plenty would," he countered.  "One came up to the oldest one yesterday to try to get her to talk to her mother about something."  He sat in the visitor's chair.  "As of right now, Lord Xander usually is more comfortable with a single guard.  Someone he can talk to, work beside if he's doing things, that sort of thing.  Though I did suggest he change when I ran into him just a moment ago.  The diplomats would not like to see him in his jeans and t-shirt.  He smirked and said they'd catch him tinkering anyway so why bother to put on something he'd ruin."

"I realized after our talk that he's quite a lot like my wife," the head of the council said.

That got a nod.  "Quite.  Including the same sort of fussy about his family."  He gave him a pointed look.  "She was worried last night."

"I heard.  I'll talk with her in a few moments so she can calm down."  He looked around the room then at him.

"Any idea what the diplomats wanted to complain about or are they just up here to meet the new leader?" the virgin sending one asked.

"Mostly that, to make sure their things are staying the same or tilted more toward what they want.  Lady Estria did note that one wanted to talk about how much of our harvests were taking over markets in place of theirs.  She's also about to become a grandmother.  Her guards are staying with her daughter for some reason."  That got a nod from a few of them.  "One wanted to sneer more than anything.  The other was mute on why he was here but we  know he's been here many times to basically hang out and watch for problems coming."

"That's interesting.  Is he at his house?"  The head guard nodded.  "Good.  One less person to annoy him."

"We can arrange his schedule some so they don't get to gang up on him again," the lone female member pointed out.  "That way he has some time to calm down, make notes, get some food or chocolate in him.  It'd keep him from beating a few of the more annoying ones."

"That's another great thing we can do with the welcoming center," the head of the council agreed.  "Set up a scheduled appointment so he knows when he has time to go tinker or fiddle with things."  He made that note to himself.  "Plus it'll tell us how long they'll be here.  Oh, no planning formal events for a while.  Lord Xander doesn't really understand those sort of things.  That's going to take a good bit of coaching to get him up on the polite version of dancing and things."  They all nodded at that.  "So invite him if you have one but don't make it too gushing and tell him you'd understand if he couldn't make it.  This year is going to be too busy and deals are usually made at those sort of things."

"We can easily do that," the guy who was about to lose his job agreed.  "Did he say anything about any diplomatic presents?"

"No, but he did note that he had been given a few by locals who wanted things."  That one looked stunned.  "Twenty virgins was a bit much, don't you think?"

He shrugged.  "He was stressed and has a large appetite according to his last girlfriend.  He sent them all back untouched anyway.  Clearly I have bad taste in what he wants."

"He didn't think it was appropriate, especially since we wouldn't let his last girlfriend up to help him with his problem from the witch," he countered.  That guy grimaced.  "So we may be finding him a royal mistress until he's married but it should be more his choice.  He was slightly confused and insulted by that by the way."   He nodded he'd apologize later.  He looked at the female member since she was snickering.  "If he's married he's not going to cheat.  That's why his former girlfriend didn't get her powers back before the coronation."

"Good point."  She smiled at that one.  "I'm sure it'll be fine after you apologize."  She looked at the head.  "Has he said anything about changing any of our jobs?"

"I asked him casually since that's what my wife was worried about.  He said I explain things to him and put up with him when he's in one of those moods of his.  He didn't specifically say much beyond that."

"Hmm.  I'll talk to him about it later then."

"Remember, he does not play politics," the head guard said as he stood up.  "I've already warned his guards against doing more than explaining situations to him when he's confused.  That way they can't seem to be siding with one side or another."  He left them alone to rearrange the guards around the palace.  He really wanted one of the spring's guards back but he was too high to bring back.  Though he did go out to talk to him.  "Evarol."

"Boss," he said, saluting him.  "Inspection already?"

"No, son, wondering if you'd give up the cushy job to guard Lord Xander."

The guard stared at him.  "Why would he need my skills?"

"Wolfram and Hart put a six billion gold price on his head.  He's a commoner who ascended very quickly.  He's a former demon hunter.  I think you two are scarily alike with your past military service on the human realm.  I have one I can send with him when he's off working on a construction crew around town.  I have no one who can help him if he's attacked that way since he prefers weapons and will need someone to spar with.  You know we don't train you beyond honor duels.  He's shown a definite like of artillery."

"I saw that during the coronation."  He looked around.  "This is a really boring job unless someone tries to poison the spring."

"Feel lucky you're not assigned to the back entrance at the caves."  He smiled.  "Name a replacement."

"Corsor?"

"Going with Lord Xander when he goes to build stuff."

"He used to do the same thing so I'm sure he can handle it."  He shrugged.  "My nephew?"

"If he'll apply to the guards I'd let you both guard Lord Xander."

"Hmm.  Rotate Helis from the caves and put Dalton back there?"

"That I can do.  He's a screw up but that's usually because he doesn't understand people.  He'd like a job where he didn't have to see anyone who wasn't threatening."  He called that choice in, waiting around until they switched out.  "I'll give you a ride back."  The guard ran to pack his kit and go back to the palace.  He checked the throne room.  No Xander.  The armory, no Xander.  The gardens.  Still no Xander.  He got a feeling and went to the new range, finding him there talking with one of the guards while he cleaned guns.  "Lord Xander, this is Evarol.  He's your new personal guard.  Corsor will keep going with you when you leave the palace to go do work things.  Evarol here was military on your plane for ten years.  He also did some demon hunting for a few."

Xander looked at him.  "Initiative?"

"Hell no," he said firmly.  He smirked.  "Army but no."

"Good."  He shook his hand.  "I'm sorry if I caused problems last night going to wear out stress in the garden."

"No, Lord Xander, we prefer that over you going on patrol last night.  That would've been messy for many, including those who'd have to explain."  He smirked.  "I'll leave you two to talk and get to know each other."  He left them alone.  Those two would either rub each other the wrong way, Evarol would treat him like a new cadet, or they'd end up friends.

Xander looked at him.  "I got possessed by a PFC once."

"I read your dossier," he admitted with a grin.  "Can you spar?"

"I'm better with weapons but I won't turn you down for practice time.  I know I need to be able to protect myself and others."

"Good.  Then we'll do that after the last diplomat's gone back to their rooms for the day.  Gives you some stress relief from all the fluffy, irritating people who want stuff."  Xander grinned and nodded.  "No current ones?"

"One just left after I looked so confused about why she was complaining about having a good harvest year.  I don't know why she cares.  I'm told her plane doesn't produce the same things."

"No, but she probably decided it'd bring down their prices too."

"That'd make them seem more rare I thought."

"Probably.  They also control very stiffly how much goes out to market," the other guard told him.  "That keeps the prices up.  They tried to get Wozaataran to agree to that plan but he basically said it'd be bad for their farmers and left it there."

"I think that'd be bad, yeah.  Oh, well.  Can't make everyone happy I guess."  He finished up his current gun and put it back into the case in there.  "There, that one's done."  He looked at his usual guard.  "Do I have a lot to do tomorrow?"

"No, Lord Xander.  Not a thing as far as I know."

"Cool.  Then we'll be going to help on the new clinic's site since I seem to like that boss to work with."  He looked at the new guard.  "Are you going to fuss?"

"No.  I can't stand to sit and do nothing either, Lord Xander.  That's why I joined the guards after I left the Army."  He smirked.  "We can make sure you get an official scheduler if need be."

"I don't want to make someone have to handle that stuff.  It'd be a boring job to only do that and someone would complain about me paying someone to do just that one thing."

"Wozaataran had a personal secretary who did all those things," Evarol told him.  "Including keeping track of who was who and which one was being gossiped about so he kept up to date about palace going ons."

"Would anyone mind if I did that?"

"No," Corsor told him simply.  "Her name is Madge.  She's got blue hair, is very tough, and will smack my hands when I reach past for her cookies in the break room."

Xander grinned.  "What's she been assigned to do now?"

"She's been subbing in for someone else I suppose."  Corsor walked him out to the break area, finding one of the local guard commanders there.  "Where's Madge?"

"Kitchens.  She's been doing inventory.  Been nagging about it too."  He sipped his coffee, nodding politely when he spotted Xander.  "Problems?"

"He needs an assistant to keep track of things too," Corsor told him.  "That way he knows when he can go tinker on the local building sites."

"She'd enjoy it."

Xander grinned.  "Thanks."  He headed for where he thought the kitchens were, letting Corsor turn him around when he got lost.  "I really do have to finish making a mental map of this place.  It's huge!  I feel like a first day student at Hogwarts."

Evarol laughed.  "It can seem that way sometimes.  Building and renovating got us through an economic slump a few decades back.  No one uses these rooms anyway unless there's an emergency."

"Good to know."  Xander leaned into the kitchen, finding the complaining woman with blue hair.  "Madge?"  She looked over, giving him a horrified look.  "Do you think it'd be okay if I stole you away to work on my schedule and stuff too?  Because I have no idea when I'm allowed to go be myself and not put up with fussy people who probably want to annoy me to no end.  And hey, you can even add on a rating about how much I'll want to grab a weapon because they'll be annoying me," he offered with a cute grin.

"Of course, Lord Xander.  It'd be an honor."  She stood up.  "They told me you wouldn't need one."

"Bullshit," he said bluntly.  "I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time and no clue why I need to know the rest."  He gave her a pointed look.  "I'm a demon hunter and a construction worker, Madge.  Institute a weapons needing rating quickly?"

She smirked.  "Of course I can.  Mellie, I'm going back to my real job.  Have fun with the rest of the inventory."

"Until the welcome center gets finished, there's supposedly bored pages," Xander offered her, walking off with his new assistant.  "So, how bad have I already screwed up things?"

"Not yet that I've heard," she admitted.  "Welcome center?"

He smirked.  "So the diplomats have somewhere to land that'll let them give us what we need to know while they go rest up until I can see them.  That way they feel properly greeted and respected."

She giggled, nodding some.  "Letting the ego stroking go on without us having to gag at it.  Good idea, Lord Xander."  She nodded politely at the female on the council.   "He does need me to help him schedule."

"I figured you would still be in your job."

"No, Heimal said he wouldn't need me."

"Isn't he the one that sent me the virgins?" Xander asked the council member.  She nodded.  "Well, shit.  Find someone to replace him?  I'm not putting up with sabotage.  It'd look bad if I had taken him up on his offer of the virgins.  He's making my life harder, have the council deal with it."

"Yes, Lord Xander," she agreed, looking amused.  "Any other new business today?"

"No new diplomats since the last one got huffy when I didn't understand why she was upset we were putting more things out to market.  Other than that, I have no idea."  He looked at Marge.

She smiled.  "You'll probably be pounced later but we'll make sure they give you some time to rest and regroup first, Lord Xander.  They won't be offended if they come in and you're doing something either.  There's a few that will need proper greeting and meeting times.  Some will gladly talk to you or nag you about things while you're cleaning weapons or whatever."  He beamed at that.  "I'll make sure you know which is which."  She smiled at the council member.  "I'll take my old office back then?"

"Please do.  I don't think he's seen his actual office.  He seems to do everything at the table in his suite.  Lady Estria is the same way at the moment, though I think she's more redecorating with some things from her private home."

"I have an office?" Xander asked.

"Of course you do," she assured him.  "All leaders have an office, Lord Xander.  That way they can keep important papers and have somewhere to retreat to when things have to be decided.  Or to play their gameboy when they're bored."  He grinned and nodded.  "I believe yours connects to the garden out on the east side.  Madge knows.  She worked there for years."

"Cool."  He followed her, whistling at the bare office area.  "No desk?"

"It went to the new hall honoring Wozaataran," Evarol told him.  "I had to help move the massive desk that he got as a present."

Xander looked around again.  "How do I decorate this without spending the people's money?  Do I get an allowance?" he asked Madge.

"Well, yes, and you are allowed to spend for certain expenses, Lord Xander."

"That's money that's for public works," he told her firmly.

"Sure, I understand that decision," she agreed with a smile.  "No one expected you to spend the people poor decorating or anything.  There's a small allowance in the budget for normal expenditures, like clothing for state visits, and to redecorate because it does create work and social trends."

Xander gave her a confused look.  "I can paint.  I'm pretty good at painting."

"Yes, but it creates jobs for decorators, Lord Xander," she told him.  "Plus it sets some new social trends so we're not all doing the same thing all the time.  It adds new ideas into the pool of fashion, design, and those things."

He shrugged.  "You're talking Cordy language.  It's not one I'm fluent in."

"I can tell.  We'll go over that later."  She walked him to her office.  "This is mine.  I see no one moved anything of mine."  She smiled at him.  "If you need me, I'll be in here most of the day.  You'll see me right after you eat breakfast so I can tell you what you're doing that day."  He beamed and nodded at that.  "Good.  Now, where are you if you're not here in the palace doing things?"

"He likes to work at the Kerist Co's sites," Corsor told her.

"I'll make note of that.  That way we can reach you in case of sudden going ons and things."  She pinched Xander on the cheek.  "I'll work up a weapons rating for how much you'll want to hurt someone as well, Lord Xander.  For now, go rest.  You probably have a few hours before anyone else shows up."

"I'm bored."

She laughed.  "Take Evarol and go spar.  That way he knows what you can do if it comes down to a physical fight."  He beamed and dragged his guard off to the practice area they had found the first day.  She looked at Corsor.  "Has anyone made any decisions about any salary he'd be earning down there?"

"No but I'd expect he wouldn't mind if it was into a fund to help someone or something.  Maybe an educational fund or for those who're poorer?  Ask him."  He walked off to watch the practice.  He had to know too.  "Do tell him how you got that one person with the hammer when they came onto the site to get you," he said as he walked in.  Evarol gave him an odd look.  "Someone snuck onto the site.  I looked over from helping install wiring and found he had just bopped someone on the head with his ball-peen hammer and was now staring at her like she was stupid."

"That's good to know."  He got to work with his new master.  He wasn't *too* bad but clearly had learned from having to duck instead of any formal training.

***

Xander and Estria met at the table that night for the more formal palace dinner.  "Good evening.  How are your kids?"

"Quite unhappy that I had to cut our movies short tonight," she said, letting him hold her chair for her.  "Thank you, Lord Xander."

"Just Xander, Estria."  He sat down.  "I found out I can have an assistant."

"Madge is very good."

"We found her in the kitchens."

"Even better."  She smiled.  "How are things otherwise?  And is that a black eye?"

"I was sparring and Evarol got me with his elbow.  I didn't duck fast enough.  I've had others so it's all right."

"Good."  She watched the others file in.  "We do this to promote harmony within the palace's staff.  So they see that we're mostly just like them."

"I'm more used to doing real work than talking to people," he agreed.  He handed her the bowl that the waiter handed him.  "Ladies first."  She smiled and dug some out.  Then he got his own.   "Madge is going over the budget for what I'm allowed to use my allowance for tomorrow.  Are you sitting in on that?"

"No.  Should I?"  He shrugged.  "I can stop around.  I haven't been horribly busy since my husband's brother is moving my office this way."  He grinned at that.  "I know they gutted yours for the new honorary hall."

"I had no idea I had an office before today."

She smirked.  "Yes, you do.  There's even an escape hatch down to the guard barracks if you need it."  He beamed at that.  She handed him something.  "That's going to be salty."  He added it to the stuff he had just put on his plate.  "What plans do you have for after this?"

"Bedtime probably.  Madge said I have tinkering time tomorrow so I'll be on the new site."

"That's good to know.  I know the palace becomes dreadfully boring if you don't have hobbies and things for after hours.  Even my children are bored with all the hiding and seeking they've been doing."

"I saw all the unused rooms."

"We needed the economic push a few decades back.  I was barely my youngest's age then but I remember everyone fretted until Wozaataran announced he was renovating the palace.   That created a lot of new jobs and the easing spread from there."  She looked at him.  "You could take some on-your-own-time classes," she suggested. "Maybe a language or something?"

"I'm thinking about it but I hated school.  I think education's important but I'm a hands-on guy, not a lecture sort."

"Which is important."

"Did you know we don't have a Vo-Tech for those who want to go into practical trades?"

"I hadn't.  We don't?"  He shook his head.  "That might be something to look into and talk to your site's crew about.   Perhaps something we can fix."  He beamed and nodded.  "Any other large plans?"

"Emergency response teams.  In case we have another cave in or something bad happens due to a flood or something.  Better than the US's FEMA agency but less than the National Guard?"

"That's not a bad idea," she agreed.  "Plus it will create new jobs and training for those who'd rather do practical things.  Not everyone's meant to be a high thinker or studier.  No one's really planned for those sort before because they mostly probably got their training by direct apprenticeship.  But you can look into it.  I know some who would like to do that sort of thing."  He smiled at that.  "It's something to go over."  She dug into her dinner.  "Can I have the meat?"  He smacked himself on the forehead and handed it to her.  "Don't stress so much, Xander.  They won't expect you to be perfect for at least a decade.  They're even making sure that no one tries to force you to any society events for a bit."  He shuddered.  "I know but important contacts are made at them."

"Go right ahead.  As my heir, you have my permission to do that," he assured her.  She smirked at him for that.  "The only dancing I know is how to taunt vamps in the Bronze and the only society things I know are from Cordy's upbringing and her snobbish parties.  Not my thing."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Plus it means less politics going on around me.  No more maneuvering to get my attention and things."  He shuddered.  "Definitely not something I'll put up with."

"Most diplomats do have something like that."

"So do soap operas but I don't like them.  They're girl things.   Well, there was that one demon soap Anya got me hooked on but it was pretty cool because it had all sorts of demons.  I learned a lot from that one.  All the backstabbing, the plots and plans, all that stuff annoy me and I'd have to find a weapon."

"Good to know," she said dryly.  "We'll try to point that out gently."  She leaned closer.  "Since your marriage has been annulled, basically, there is talk about some people coming to you as a favored mistress," she hissed in his ear.  "That will get that sort of planning going."  She sat back up.

He looked at her.  "No.  Flirting is fine.  Not that.  I'd never accept anyone who I didn't really like and who I couldn't be seen with in public like we were dating."  She gaped.  He stared back.  "I believe in dating.  I really do.  I even made Anya see that going on dates was nice instead of always being at home to just have sex and watch tv.  Dating maybe.  Maybe someplace to wear myself out now and then.  Because I'm not against that if that's your *choice* and not something you got forced into doing.  I feel sorry for them but I'm not going to just appoint a concubine.  Dating's nice.  It'd also get me out in the city to learn it a bit better and to be among the real people instead of the people who put up fronts and try so hard to be something that they're not."

She gave him a long stare then nodded.  "That's good to know and it is suitable that you do date, Xander.  I'll make sure all the prize hunters know that about you."  He grinned a boyish grin.  She seriously wanted to cuddle the boy.  "Is there a sort of woman that you like?"

"I seem to have the unfortunate draw of bad girls.  I don't know why.  A shape changer that wanted virgins, a reanimated Incan mummy, Cordy and Anya."  He shrugged.

She gaped.  "A what?" she asked.

"Anya?"

"Mummy?" she squeaked.  That was odd even by demon standards!

"Her seal got broken.  We got to the cute stage.  But we found out she was actually killing people to stay alive.  I made her try to eat me instead of Buffy but she couldn't.  Ampata was pretty sweet and cute.  Her people forced it on her as a princess or something.  Something chosen that they thought would make the Gods happy I guess."

She blinked a few times.  "I'll make sure your guards know to do a good check on anyone who you date, Xander."  He grinned but shrugged a bit.  She looked back at Corsor, who shrugged.  "Did you know that?"

"The guard that checked up on him saw Ampata.  He was...amused in many ways."  He grinned when Xander looked back.  "He saw you dating Cordelia and Anya as well.   He thought Anya might turn out a bit stranger than she did since she descended."

Xander shrugged.  "She learned a lot from Cosmo, Buffy, and Oprah.  I tried though."  He dug into his dinner again, adding some more of the butter looking stuff to the green potato looking stuff since it was still salty.  "What is this?  Or do I want to know?"

She looked.  "It's a type of root vegetable.  It's good for you, but the cook usually oversalts it."

"Okay, so the salt isn't natural?"

"It's very bland without it."

"That's good to know.  Anything of the food that I don't want to know what it was?"

She pointed.  "That's technically an edible type of seaweed but it's commonly eaten in Japan."

He looked at her.  "I've had sushi.  I did live in Southern California.  Sushi, tofu, and Starbucks are our native cuisine."   She giggled, covering her mouth with her napkin so she wouldn't spit.  "Nothing like eyes, tentacles?  Anything freakier than some Japanese food?"

"No.  We're not that strange, Xander."

"Cool."  He dug in, eating heartily.

She shook her head.  Xander was quite...original in many ways.  Maybe she'd set a few friends up to meet him casually so he might date them.  It'd do them good to be seen with him and they might make him happy.  A few had common sense like he did.  One was even slightly wicked since it seemed his tastes went that way.

The Chocolate Freak and the Council of Doom and Annoyance.

The newest member of the Council walked up to where Xander was lounging in the sun reading a comic on his day off, clearing his throat to get a grunt of attention from the other man.  "Lord Xander, if we asked would you please not date again?" he asked politely.

Xander gave him a confused look.  "You guys wanted me to marry someone.  I have to date to do that, Homic."

"Yes, but we'd prefer it if you saw someone less....unpleasant."

Xander raised an eyebrow, trying hard not to smirk at him.  "Homic, you have heard of my last true girlfriend, right? Anyanka?"

"Well, yes, but the Council and some of the higher born think it'd be pleasant of you to date someone less deadly.  Your last one was an assassin after all."

"It was nice, she didn't have a contract out for me.  A very nice change in my life."  He grinned at him.  "I don't do it on purpose."

"We know, but perhaps we could set you up with someone nicer and less deadly?  Someone who would be a good helper to you ruling over us all?"

"You can try but most people like that don't understand me and want to be very confused when I try to work."

"I can understand that somewhat, as I don't understand that urge myself, Lord Xander, but we'd still prefer it if you dated someone less demonic than we are.  Someone decent, someone who doesn't want to kill others for fun maybe?  Just someone *nice*."

"If I find one that's attracted to me, you guys'll be the second to know," he promised.  "I really don't do it on purpose."

"There is the idea of a royal concubine, Lord Xander."

"Eww.  I might pay for it now and then but not like that."

"It'd be of her own free will.  Many rulers throughout your human history have had one.  They've often been instrumental to helping get things done around the palace."

"I can't stand politics," he said firmly.  "And anyone I date has to not want to play those sort of mind and power games too."

"I can understand that desire," he said, backing down from that point.  "We can give you a list of nice, suitable young women or men if you prefer."

"If I liked guys, I'd have kept Dean or Sam."

"Ah.  That was the problem with that."

"Yeah, all three of us were straight and Dean and Sam are brothers.  Kinda not good by human standards."

"That's reasonable I suppose.  They do make good family protectors.  Even if half the demons that they'd go after are now too scared to go near them."  He smiled.  "If you want, Estria's cousin is having a ball tomorrow night."  The young man shuddered so hard his comic book rattled.  "We can coach you in all the popular dances.  That way you could meet them in a more casual setting."

"The only dancing I enjoy is baiting vamps at the Bronze sort of dancing, Homic.  That formal stuff you guys do at balls and they do on girl movies is really .... boring.  Very boring looking.  There's no heat, no passion, nothing like that."

"Yes, we do tend to share those sort of things out of the public eye," he agreed.  "How about a nice tea or something?"  Xander just stared at him for a moment.  "Without the diplomats, unlike the last one that you fell asleep during, Lord Xander.  Just an informal thing here in the gardens perhaps?"

"If I must, but no one gets to nag if I fall asleep again."

"We'll keep that in mind, yes.  Thank you, Lord Xander.  I'll have Estria arrange it for you."  He hurried off to report on the success of his mission to get Lord Xander to date *normal* people instead of the ones he seemed to be attracted to.  Seriously, how could one man date something like an assassin and then go to better killer after that?  He and Estria would have to look into his dating past.  Perhaps there was a hint there of what sort of woman he'd prefer.  Xander was back to his relaxing while they did that.  Estria nearly ended up crying because of who and what he had dated in the past.  He, well, Homic decided his husband gave a good cuddle and he went to him for comfort so he wouldn't have to think about their poor leader, who was going to be killed one of these days.  Which meant that they'd need an heir soon.  Maybe a nice surrogate?

***

Xander looked up from his nibbling for dinner when Estria walked into his suite.  "Problems or just a headache?"  He grabbed his bottle of tylenol, which he seemed to live on some days, to toss to her.

She sat down and took a few with his soda of the moment, staring at him.  "We have to talk and you're not going to be happy."

He grinned.  "Homic still complaining about my exes?"

"No, we went looking in your past to see what sort of girl you were attracted to.  We fear that anyone you date might kill you to take over.  Which is why we need an heir soon, Xander."

He quirked an eyebrow up, then giggled.  "Tara said if I dosed her with holy chocolate from the spring she'd make me able to bear some."

"That would be unethical of her and I doubt her guardian would approve," she said dryly.  "Still, it is necessary for you to start thinking about that.  I do not want that responsibility.  I'll gladly fall back to a diplomatic position once you've found a decent one.  You know that."

"I know.  That's one of the reasons I chose you."  He leaned on the table.  "I did dose Buffy, Faith, John, Bobby, and Tara with it," he said quietly.

"They'll be as dissatisfied with it as you are."

"I know but I wanted someone who had a clue about what was going on in case something happened to me during a problem.  You guys dosed Dean and Sam when we first got up here.  We all spent a good few nights goofy off it."

"We were so sure you were compatible," she sighed.

"If I swung that way, I'd gladly bend either one over."  He grinned.  "But they like girls too."

"I heard."  She blew a bang out of her eyes then looked at him again.  "Some people think you don't want to give it up."

"If I could find someone decent who could do this, I'd gladly hand it over.  No matter how painful that weaning process is supposed to be."  She gave him an odd look.  "I talked to the last true heir.  He went through it."

"Ah.  That thing.  Yes, it's supposed to be very painful and it can cause brain damage.  Though, his father said they'd go through it even though we didn't demand."

"So I can send him a guard?  He seriously needs one from what I've scried in the last few weeks."

"No.  That's against the rules.  Unfortunately.  I wouldn't mind turning my position over to him."

"If I could sneak and dose him I would."

"He'd realize it before he swallowed," she agreed.  "So we've got to start a good heir hunt.  Perhaps someone with some business sense since we both seem to lack it?"

"Madge seems to do good at it.  She explained the budget to me the other day."

"That's good because it was a mess," she agreed dryly.  "My husband explained it to me and even he said it was messy."  She stood up.  "Do try to think about having an heir with someone who won't kill you to take over in their place as regent?"

"If nice girls liked me, it'd be different," he pointed out sarcastically.  "Find me a nice girl who likes me and I might."

"I've been trying for the last few months, Xander.  All the nice girls in the kingdom either want the power you could give them and their families or they wouldn't want you anyway."  She left him alone, going to think.  There had to be some nicer bad girls somewhere in the universes.

Xander went back to his dinner, then went to write Sam an email about the newest problem.  He liked to giggle about his dating problems.  The assassin that hadn't wanted to kill him had even made Dean laugh, or so Sam had said.

***

Dean looked at Sam when his phone chirped the new email sound, pulling it out of Sam's jacket pocket to upload it while he drove.  He did pull over carefully so he wouldn't wreck or wake Sammy up from his post-vision nap.  He burst out giggling as he read, making Sam hum.  "Email from Xander, Sammy.  They want him to have kids with some nice girl."

Sam snorted, shaking his head but drifting off again, mumbling about saving him from the demons.

Dean sent it to Tara, then put the phone on the dashboard before pulling back on the road they were traveling down today.  Xander would be the world's fussiest father if he had kids.  That kid would never get to do anything fun with him being so fussy.  They'd have to sedate him when the kid was ready to start dating kinky girls who liked sex.

***

Xander appeared where John and Faith were holing up this week, crawling onto the bed next to Faith and snuggling into her shoulder.  "You're a slayer.  You can save me too, right?" he mumbled into her shirt.

"Depends on what you dated this time," she said dryly.  He gave her a dirty look then put his head back down.  "I don't think I'm the type your people want you to lean on."

"Actually one did suggest you since you're back to being a good girl again and you're pretty, plus you understand about hunting stuff," he admitted.  "They want to set me up with a *socialite*, Faith."

"Worse than Queen C?" she asked.

"So much worse.  The sort that has to talk to her dog for intelligent company."

She shuddered.  "I'm so sorry, X."  She patted him on the back.  "Try to discourage them, 'kay?"

"I have.  I told them we could never be that way.  They did a life review and found our ten minutes of fun and decided I could have you instead."

She shuddered again.  "No thanks.  It'd drive me nuts and so would you.  No matter what Anya complained about the last time she popped in from a job."

He snorted.  "You have no idea.  She was working on my realm and I got told to go shoo her off.  I pointed out that only D'Hoffryn could do that but I did take her to lunch and talk her out of massively cursing that guy to some sort of VD that was going to kill everyone."

John walked in and slammed the door, staring at the pair on the bed.  "Should I go sleep in the truck?"

"He's hiding from the socialite they want him to date," Faith said with an evil smirk.  "Or me."

"I don't think that'd do more than make you both bored."  He sat down to take off his boots, ignoring Faith's grimace.  "I'll clean them later."

"Lock them in the people box?" Xander suggested into her shoulder.

She gave his head an odd look.  "People box?"

"I was dealing with kitty cat people's embassador.  They even keep house cats as pets.  Their cats have litter boxes, they have people boxes.  She said so."

"Was she really old and wearing a sweater?" John joked.

"Nope.  Was kinda pretty and had some pretty, short, striped fur that looked really soft.  But Madge told me if I hit on her I'd be paddled within an inch of my life."

She patted him on the head extra hard until he moved off her.  "He's traumatized."

"I can see why."  He looked the boy over.  "Did you forget to eat, boy?"

"No, John," he sighed.  "I've been very good about working out and stuff."

"Weren't you going to hand it over?" Faith asked.

He gave her a dirty look.  "Unless you want to take it from me, I need an heir, Faith.  They want me to marry and have kids to get a few too."

"Um, no.  Thanks anyway.  I'd go even more insane than I was a few years back."

He smirked.  "You get into a routine and learn how to avoid the people who look like they're about to nag you about something."

"If you say so."

"I managed to avoid Madge for three whole days by sneaking off to go work.  She wasn't happy but I managed to avoid some ambassadors that way too," he said proudly.

"Will that cause problems?" John asked patiently.  "Their sort don't seem to like to be kept waiting from what I've seen."

"One finally decided I was being happy building so he came down to volunteer and talk to me there.  He's pretty cool.  He said one did get upset but they all pointed out I hated complaining people and she was going to complain to me so I ducked her.  I allowed myself to get caught that night and let her rant for over an hour before asking if she had a point.  Then she huffed and told me why she had come to complain in the first place.  Which wasn't anything I could do anything about but hey, her thing."  He shrugged.  "She decided we'd ignore the me ducking her thing and just stay casual acquaintances like we were in the past."

Corsor appeared, giving him a dirty look.  "You may not escape, Lord Xander.  You belong to us and you can't escape that duty.  Even if you are down here warning the Slayer Faith that they're trying to pick out wedding colors."

"I will snap and kill everyone," she vowed impatiently.  "You can quote me."

"I'll do so, Slayer Faith.  Those who realize why he left just sighed in frustration.  They are trying very hard to find a nice girl who might like him."

She burst out cackling.  "Him?  Nice girls?"  She nearly fell off the bed.

Xander pointed.  "See?  There's no such thing as a nice girlfriend.  I was really happy when Anya didn't want to kill me.  Or the assassin that I dated last month."

"Yes, but those sort can't help you rule until you can find someone reasonable to take over for you, Lord Xander.  They really can't.  The public would be most upset.  They're already wary of you because you hunted demons."  He hauled him up.  "Come along.  It's nearly dinner time so you can have some chocolate and pass out before that one diplomat comes looking again."  Xander gave him a confused look.  "The blue, pointy one as you called him?  He's back again."

"I thought we talked already."

"You did.  And now he wants to talk again."

"Yeah, some chocolate might help.  Or did he find a translator this time that spoke one of the ones ours does?"

"Not yet."  He hauled him back to the palace, going to put him into his room then stop the people who wanted him to marry the slayer Faith.  "People, the Slayer Faith said if you tried to get them together she would snap and kill everyone," he said into the council's room, making them all groan.  "That is a quote and she was smiling when she said it.  Mr. Winchester didn't seem to like the idea either."

"Did Lord Xander warn her?" the female on the council asked.

"He was trying to get her to save him I believe."  He smirked at their groan.  "Something about socialites and dogs?"  He left, letting them figure that one out.  He'd hear when they figured out that comment.  He made sure Xander's meal had chocolate in it so the diplomat could be frustrated with him tomorrow.  Then he went to talk to Madge about getting Xander some language lessons.  He really needed to solve some of those problems and learning four or five more might help a lot, right?

***

Dean leaned back, watching some mindless show on tv, which was the only clear channel this motel seemed to get.  "I wonder if there's a realm of skanky ho demons," he muttered.  "She'd probably fit in really well."

Sam looked over at him, looking really amused.  "You think she's demonic?"

"She doesn't speak the same language you or I do yet she was born here so it's not an immigrant thing.  I figure maybe that's a demonic language.  Maybe the dog's her leader?  Or parent?  She does kinda look like her dog."

Sam snickered, sending that to Xander's email account.  Madge sent back a question so he explained it.  He knew up there someone was going to be complaining about that theory but oh well.  "Maybe.  Madge said that she didn't know of any but she'd look.  Just in case that show should be on a demon network instead."

"That's cool.  If so, tell her to see if there are any pretty ones up here.  That way I can find a decent skanky ho soon."

"Sure, Dean.  Though I'm sure they'd like you to date better too."

Dean gave him a dirty look.  "Unlike Xander, I don't have to have heirs.  Dad has you for that, Sammy."

Sam stuck his tongue out at him.  "Not like I've fathered one, Dean."

Corsor appeared, giving him a look.  "What skanky demon ho?"  Dean turned up the tv so he turned to watch it.  He stared, head tipped slightly to the side.  "No, she's not demonic, just dumb."

"Faith said Xander said the socialite they wanted him to marry was one of them," Sam told him.

"Well, yes," he admitted.  "But she was seen as harmless and not going to get in the way if he had to handle things."  He shook his head.  "If there's a realm of women like that, we'd have to let Lord Xander go there to destroy them.  They'd fight over which one got him first, causing a civil war, and then the victor could be easily killed."

"If you do find one and there's any pretty ones, let me know," Dean told him.

"Of course, Family Protector.  Though, could you possibly help us find Lord Xander a *nice* girl?"

"Some of us don't go for nice," Dean said with a smirk of his own.

Corsor shook his head.  "I know, you go for easy.  Easy is fine as long as she's not going to give him a bad reputation or sleep with diplomats.  Really.  Just help him find someone who won't kill him and us?"

"If we find someone we think he might like, we'll call him down to introduce him," Sam promised.

"Thank you.  We had to stop them from planning on hijacking the Slayer Faith to marry them."  He disappeared to explain that comment to Madge, who would spread it to the others.  Apparently that socialite found it a happy comparison so she wasn't bothered by it, even if everyone else thought it was funny.  Corsor was checking on wherever Lord Xander was hiding this time when he heard the bad news.  "Oh, crud," he muttered, hurrying to find his Lord and Master.  "Lord Xander, the flowering one is back."

Xander gave him an odd look.  "The one I ripped his off of or another one?" he asked, going back to cleaning his weapon.

"The leader of the one who you had to assault to protect yourself, Lord Xander."

He snorted, walking out there with a gun, cleaning it as he went.  He looked up as he got to the main meeting room, staring at that one.  "Did we have a problem or is this another social visit?" he asked, cleaning his gun.

The diplomat stared at him, flowering some.  "We came to make sure there was no animosity between our peoples."

Xander stared at her, then flicked off the safety, checking the clip before putting it back inside.  "No, no animosity."  He grinned.  "Why would you think that?"  That one quit being so happy and backed up a step.  "Though we still can't get behind your former diplomat's plan.  Sorry, we like our people the way they are."

"We could do much if you could talk some into volunteering."

"No thanks.  Really.  We need a population explosion instead of it being eaten away."  She moaned and started to flower again.  Xander shifted his stance, making sure his weapon was spotless before he used it on her.  "Sorry we can't help.  Maybe one of the other ones that share your tastes might?"

"They're not being friendly."

"I heard that."  She moved closer.  He stared her down.  She moaned and flowered more.  He pointed his gun at it.  "No.  Not going to happen.  Sorry," he said quietly.

"You wouldn't," she said firmly.

He snorted.  "You do know who I was before I got all this?" he asked.  She slowly shook her head.  "Xander Harris, of Sunnydale.  Buffy's backup."  She went fully rigid and tried to lunge at him.  He shot her.  It wouldn't kill her but she whined at his ankles.  "Don't even think about it unless you want to be like your former diplomat."  Guards came running.  "I think this one wants to go home since we can't think of how to satisfy her needs.  Unfortunately we need different things that make us happier."  He stared down at her.  She tried to touch his thigh and he shot her again.  That one killed her.  "Good."  He got free of the corpse, looking at the guards.  "No, we don't like her ideas."  He walked off, cleaning his gun again.  "This new one Evarol suggested does really good," he told Corsor as they walked.  "Very good grip, easy pull on the trigger but not too easy.  Little recoil.  I like this brand."

"I'll make sure he knows that, Lord Xander."

"Cool."  He grinned.  "They can send her home with a note if they want.  Or I can."

"Do clean up that mess," he called.

The head guard watched them walk away then sighed at the order.  "She did try to touch him.  Someone get Estria so she can go complain?"  They went to find her, finding she was hiding from this one.  Lord Xander came out with a bigger gun this time, going back with the body himself.  Corsor and Evarol were both jogging to catch up to him.  The body got floated back and Xander followed.  The people there all moaned but agreed to leave them alone unless there was an emergency they could help with, like a killing plague.  Then he came back without having to fire a single shot.  Of course, the demons all had happy times celebrating there being a new ruler and having new visions of happiness to go with their fun.  Xander with a gun was nearly as hot as Dean with a gun according to them.

The Council talked about it the next day but the new ruler sent a message saying she wasn't upset and if they had more pictures of Xander with weapons they might buy a few copies.  It seemed to inspire breeding.  They sent some as a measure of good will and left it there.

***

Xander appeared behind Dean, shooting the demon trying to sneak up on him and Sam in the woods, then looking back at them.  "Did you know that you're a pinup on that flower dicked realm?"

"No," Dean said.  "I didn't.  Just me?"

"You and your shotgun.  I went there with an assault rifle to make them quit trying to touch me after I shot the last one."  He grinned sweetly.  "They wanted more pictures because we caused a breeding frenzy."

"Ah."  He simply nodded once before shuddering and walking off muttering about a shower.

Sam snickered.  "Really?"  Xander smirked and nodded.  "Hiding again?"

"Madge wanted me out of the palace for a bit.  She said the demons coming would expect me to be sweaty and hot when I came back.  So I thought I'd come help you guys run through the woods.   Them liking me might mean they're hostile, not real sure yet.  So some practice would be good."  He finished with a grin.

"Sure.  There's another six of those like the one you shot around here somewhere."

"Cool.  A nest."  He followed Sam, going to catch up to Dean.  Dean gave him an odd look.  "The new diplomats want me to appear hot and sweaty when I get back."

"They going to invade?"

"I'm not real sure," he admitted.  "But practice is all good."

"Yes it is.  Before the next bad girl decides to try to take you by force."

"No, we stopped her.  She had a small orgy in the weapons room when she snuck in and found it.  She was cute, but not my type.  She was a vamp."  He shrugged.  "I don't like the undead.  I don't see how anyone can do a vampire."

"Me either," Dean agreed.  "Shut up, please?"  Xander grinned but nodded.  "Thanks.  Had mental images I didn't want."

"Someone told me Buffy dated that Angel guy in LA," Sam offered cheerfully.

Xander nodded.  "Her first and truest love but he has a happiness clause on his soul and she's got the slayer duty.  The Powers put them together to work together."

Dean shuddered.  "That's just *wrong*, dude.  On so many levels of wrong!"

"I didn't like it either.  He was all creepy and broody and things and kept being cryptic for fun.  He was jealous.  I didn't think it was a good relationship even if I could've gotten past the whole vampire thing.  She thought I was jealous.  And he was too."

Dean covered his mouth.  "Quit, please?"  Xander grinned but nodded.  "Thank you!"  He stomped on.  "Come on.  Let's take out this nest so I can find something to take the pictures out of my head."

"Whiskey?" Sam suggested, grinning at Xander.  He liked warping Dean's mental state too.  It was a fun game to play with Dean.  "Or are we talking it's going to be a porno night so I'll have to sleep in the car?"

"You can come back if you want.  Estria wanted to talk to someone more educational because I suggested a vo-tech system."

"That might not be a bad idea," Sam agreed.  "Are we going to get ambushed by the people who want you to marry both of us again?"

"Probably since I was before I left."

"You two do realize you're scaring off the demons too?" Dean asked dryly.

"At least two have been trying to circle around us," Xander told him with a grin of his own.  "They decided they wanted to watch us walk."

Dean gave him a dirty look.  "You need to hit that brothel again, Xander."

"Tara told me she was disappointed I went back there instead of finding a real girlfriend.  I told her how they wanted me to have a royal concubine but she glared at my guards for that one."

"You should introduce her to the last one," Dean said sarcastically.

"She's the one who introduced us.  The assassin was taking some econ classes at the same college in her downtime."

Dean squeezed his eyes shut for a minute.  "Did Tara know what she did for a living?"

"Just that she had major bad girl vibes so I might like her.  She had no idea that she was that bad."

"Tara usually has sense," Dean sighed, shooting a demon lunging at them.  Sam got the other one.  Xander was staring at something else so he looked then he opened his mouth slightly.  "What is that?" he asked.

Xander shrugged.  "Don't know.  Never seen one.  Are you friendly?" he called.  It nodded.  "To humans or just to the demons who were trying to eat us?"

"All spawn are fun toys and I'm very good to my toys," he said, staring at Sam.  Xander shot him, making him yelp.  "That was rude!"

"Shit happens," Dean assured him.

"Yes, but that's not what I like my toys to do," he shot back, waving a hand to knock them down with a gust of heavy wind.  Only Xander remained standing.  "Hmm, some magic shields you.  Do you practice?"

Xander snorted.  "They want me to so I quit leaking hellmouth baby energy."  The demon moaned.  "You want me that badly, you come get me, baby.  Then we'll see who's the toy."  He saw Evarol pop in.  "Stay," he ordered.  "My fun."

"Lord Xander...."

Xander glared at him.  "No.  Not unless I'm really injured.  I'm out of practice."  The demon tried to grab him so Xander pulled his large hunting knife out to stab him.  The demon sucked on the injured hand, then tried to grab him again.  Same result.  Since that didn't work he tried the classic lunge and tackle attack.  Xander sidestepped most of it and got him in the back of the neck with the knife, severing his spinal cord with the blade.  Pity.

Dean looked at Sam, who had been knocked into a tree by the gust of wind.  "Sammy?" he asked, seeing the blood on his stomach.  "Sammy?"

Xander came over to look at the injury.  "He's going to need an ER pretty fast, Dean.  Where's the car?" he asked as he took off his overshirt to pack and hold the wound with.

"About two miles back.  Can't you pop him to it?"

"I need to be able to see it," he said, looking at him.  "Evarol, get me some of the sacred spring chocolate and a healer please?" he called.

He was already working on the transport spell.  "If you feed him spring chocolate they will expect that you'll be marrying him soon, Lord Xander."

Xander grimaced.  "Fine, we'll sidestep that."  He grabbed Dean's hunting knife off his belt and slit into his wrist, forcing it into Sam's mouth.  Dean made a horrified noise.  "I have more of the spring chocolate running through me than not, Dean.  It can help."  Sam swatted at him.  "Drink it even if you don't like the taste, Sam."

Sam moved his head away.  "Dizzy."

"That's the chocolate working," he assured him.  "You need more."  He checked the wound.  "It's starting to heal.  Evarol, healers," he snapped.  He went to get one for him.  "Sorry about that."

"S'okay," Sam said weakly.  "Why did you do that?"

"So you didn't end up married to me permanently, Sam.  All the benefits since I've got a lot of it in my system and none of the marriage drawbacks."  Sam nodded once, looking at Dean.

"Hey, if it helps," Dean told him.  "Let me see."  Xander let him see the wound.  "Not so bad."

"It was nearly fist deep before I made him drink it," Xander said quietly.

"I'll remember that."  He helped put pressure on it, making Sam groan.  "You quit.  The healers will be here soon."  The guards came running with two healers, who moved Xander out of their way.  "He helped."

"I'm sure he did," the older one agreed.  "Did we feed him spring chocolate?"

"No, I had some before I came so I fed him some of my blood," Xander told her.  She gaped at him.  He stared back.  "All the benefits without the nasty marriage stuff."

"That's nearly unheard of but I know Wozaataran did that once with his guard during an assassination attempt."  They examined the wound, working a healing spell to help it close.  "It seemed to have helped.  The healing energy is taking more of the wound than it did after the coronation battle."  The younger one handed her something.  "That could help as well."  She used the stored power to add to the spell.  Xander put his hand on her, letting her suck out some of his excess energy.  "Thank you, Lord Xander."  They finished healing the wound, making Dean relax.  "There, that should help a lot."  She looked at the dead demon.  "Did he bat him?"

"Wind gust into a tree," Xander said with a point at the sharpish branch that Sam had landed on.  That got a nod.  "It's gone now."

"Good."  They stood up with Xander's help, Dean too.  "Have him rest," the younger one told Dean.  "He'll need a good quiet week to make sure the healing is complete.  A lot of protein and if you've been exposed to spring chocolate that could help him as well.  We can write a small dispensation for a tiny bit of the diluted and filtered output to be given to him if need be."

"That's cool but we should be okay with some rest and a lot of meat," Dean promised, shaking their hands.  "Thank you."

"Lord Xander gives us many challenging cases," the older one said.  "Including those who need nerve tonics after he's started to date someone new."

Xander shrugged.  "They want me to have kids.  I've got to date to find them a mother unless I take Tara up on her offer to do it on my own."

"That would probably get her in trouble," Dean said impatiently.

Xander shrugged.  "She threatened."  He grinned.  "C'mon, I'll help you get Sam to the car."

"Thanks."  The healers left, leaving Evarol to follow them and get the car door when they finally got there.  He looked at the guard.  "Is it always this exciting around him?"

"Not usually.  Except following when he went to the one ambassador's realm to make sure he didn't start a war by shooting more of them."

"I've got the rest of this nest," Xander said quietly, getting a nod and a look from Dean.  "Take care of Sammy.  He needs fussed over and he said you're the only one who gets to do that."

"I can do that.  Call later, Xander."

"Sure.  I'll let you know a final count."  They nodded and Dean headed off.  Xander looked at his guard.  "Thank you."

"Welcome.  If I had realized he had been injured I would've gotten them sooner so you didn't have to injure yourself."

Xander looked at his wrist, showing him.  "Already scabbed over, Evarol.  It's cool."  They walked off together.  "I've got to finish clearing this nest if you're going to be squeamish."

"I did hunt demons, Lord Xander," he sighed, reminding him of it.  Xander grinned, handing him Sam's fallen shotgun.  They went back to tracking it down.  It was a breeder's nest but that meant some of them were slower when they finally found it.

***

Xander popped in on John, staring at him.  "Sam's okay now.  The healers made sure when I pulled a lucky guess outta my butt to help him."  John stared, dropping his plastic fork.  "The healers finished fixing the hole so he's just fine now."

"Why wasn't he fine before?" he asked calmly.

"The huge demon that interrupted their nest hunt blew him into a tree and onto a pointy branch that got his stomach.  The healers fully closed it and Dean's in high fuss mode.  Even made him eat a double patty burger already."  John nodded once at that.  "So he's fine.  A bit cranky and I finished the nest up for them."

"Why did that demon want them?" he asked.

"Because it wanted to play with the ones that they were tracking.   It called them toys.  Then it wanted us as toys but, well, it went boom splat with a knife to the spinal cord."

"Good to know.  So nothing higher?"

Xander shrugged.  "I have no idea what it was beyond annoying and threatening."

"I'd like to hear from my sons."

"Dean said your phone's saying it's dead."

John looked then groaned, putting it on the charger.  "Thanks, Xander."

"Welcome."  He grinned.  "We know it didn't come because I showed up to get in some practice hunting again.  It had no idea who I was."

"Even better.  Thank you."

"Welcome."  He disappeared, heading back to the palace.  Madge met him, giving him a look over.  "I know, not sweaty but I had to help Sam and Dean.  Then I had to tell John that Sam was fine."

"We saw."  She pinched him on the cheek.  "The diplomat was worried that the hunters would attack you."

"I like them.  They're nice people with good sense.  I understand why they do things.  Unlike most diplomats."  She snickered as they walked off together, Evarol heading off to get a drink and a replacement for the night.  "Anyway, one nest down and the eggs were all burned too."

"That's a good thing," she agreed.  She led him into his office, letting the diplomats see him.  "He's fine.  He had to tell Mr. Winchester his son was all right now."

"That's reasonable," she agreed, staring at him.  "You're very young."

Xander grinned.  "Yes I am.  But I'm also happier that way.  I hear old age makes your joints hurt."  He sat down behind his new desk, staring at them.  "What's happened that I can help with?  I know this isn't a fully social call."

"There's been indications that two realms have been attacked recently by Wolfram and Hart's higher members," she said, staring at him.

Xander nodded once.  "Angel said that they're bad people.  That he's been fighting with them for years now as a Champion.  Plus I know they put a high price on my head already.  Is this just an FYI or is this a 'we need to figure out where they're headed next and we heard you can plan battles' visit?"

"You can?" her second asked, looking very confused.  "You're a peaceful people."

Xander leaned back.  "I'm not Wozaataran.  I grew up on the Sunnydale hellmouth, guys.  I worked with a slayer."  They both shuddered.  "I'm that Xander, yes."  He grinned slightly.  "I planned graduation."

She handed over a slim folder.  "This is all we know so far.  Mostly we came to warn you since we have no idea why but they were looking at this realm from what we heard."

"They do have that high bounty on him," Madge admitted, looking at her boss.

Xander shrugged but was grinning.  "They don't worry me as much as my ex Cordelia does, Madge.  She's meaner and clearly letting Angel handle all the hard details this time so she doesn't have to step in and get messy."  Madge coughed, shaking her head so she wouldn't smile.  He grinned at the diplomats.  "Let me look this over tonight.  I might be able to find some ideas or information for you guys."

"Please do," she agreed, standing up.  "Thank you, Lord Xander."

"Welcome.  Thank you for warning us."  They shook hands and left.  He looked over the information, grimacing.  "Let me see my ex," he muttered, taking it with him to the Hyperion.  He heard a squeak of alarm and looked up at Wesley.  "Wolfram and Hart are at it again, Wes.  This is all we know so far but it was rumored that they're coming after my people.  Which plan for an apocalypse is this one for?"  He handed over the folder.

Wesley read it over, grimacing some.  "I thought we had stopped that one.  Angel?  Gunn?" he shouted.  "Cordelia, Xander's here with some information for us."

She came out of the back area, staring at him.  "You don't look much different."

"I started to invite you up but they might've wanted you to marry me when I protested being married to Dean and Sam," he said with a goofy grin.  "I didn't want you to beat them up this time, Cordy.  How's things?"

"Not bad.  How's things up there?"

"Not bad.  I still get some construction and weapons time in every day or so while I'm hiding from diplomats."  She snorted but was smiling while the others looked over the folder.  Xander looked back at them.  "Angel, one of the diplomats said they've hit a few realms and were looking at mine.  I figured it's either the spring or something else we mine or grow that they need.  If you tell me I can guard it better."

"Your people's spring wouldn't help them any, Xander," Wesley told him.  "It's scared and promotes peaceful feelings."

"Plus longevity and healing skills," Xander added.  "As a matter of fact, I helped heal Sam earlier using some of my blood since feeding him directly from the spring to help him would've meant we'd be marrying within a few days."

"Interesting," Wesley said, considering it.  "They might like it for the longevity properties but I can't see the use in something magical."

"They do have that bounty on him," Cordelia reminded them.  She moved closer, letting him hug her.  "I should still pout."

"It was nearly two weeks of former heirs saying they didn't want it," he assured her.  "Kinda boring in some spots when it kept being the same thing over and over.  Then a battle or two at the end before we had to protest being married."

"Huh.  Well then I guess I'm fine without it."  She patted him on the cheek.  "I know you can email."

"I thought I sent you one the other day," he defended.

"You did but it was nearly nothing, Xander.  Write more often.  It'll keep you from being so bored."

"Probably not enough," he assured her with a grin.  He kissed her on the cheek.  "They wanted me to marry Faith too.  They didn't like me dating Anya.  They sent me to shoo her off the other day when she was up there working.  So we had lunch."

"I can see why they didn't want you to date Anya, but I doubt they'd want Faith as their queen," Wesley said.  "She's not inclined to do queenly things."

Xander grinned at him since he looked disgusted.  "They decided she'd understand about my past and help me when I absolutely had to hunt or stop me if she had to."

"Ah.  That makes slightly more sense," Wesley admitted, shaking his head to clear it.

"They tried to get me to marry a dog-toting socialite after Faith."  Cordelia burst out cackling at that image.  He smirked and nodded.  "Yeah.  Not exactly my type. I'm kinda surprised that they didn't come for you yet."

"They know I'd yell," she said, punching him on the arm.  "Any other good news?"

"MaryBeth made Buffy date a human this time.  She's finally laid off Spike being there and helping stuff, but she didn't like him lusting over her.  Buffy said they had a sparring session and talk in a cemetery one night," he said with a cough and a slight grin.

"Spike wrote and said that MaryBeth had earned his respect," Angel admitted grimly.

"Buffy said she's a lot like Dean and Sam's father John," Xander said with an evil smirk.   "Only she likes bubble baths after the really nasty patrols."

"Then she's probably helpful," Cordelia agreed.

"John got a few other hunters to come in and help her.  Some rotate out every month and a few stayed.  And one got turned," he finished with an evil smirk.  "But Willow resouled him and he's being all helpful and learning from MaryBeth and Spike."  He leaned closer.  "Remember me ranting and complaining about the flower dicks?" he asked quietly.  She grimaced but nodded.  "Their queen showed up.  She had no idea who I used to be and tried to pounce when she found out.  I kindly escorted her body back.  Now they think me and my P-90 and Dean with his shotgun are pinups to promote breeding."  She sat down on the floor from the cackling she was doing, unable to stop.  He grinned at her.  "They asked for some pictures in trade."

"That's so *bad*!" she squealed, still giggling, rolling around on the floor now.  "You're so much worse now."

Xander grinned.  "I'm finding a lot of bored time.  I have to do something now and then."

Wesley patted him on the shoulder.  "Let me get you our file on Wolfram and Hart while Cordelia calms herself, Xander.   We think we know which Senior Partner is behind those attacks and what he may be after."  He walked over Cordelia, trying hard not to smile.  Xander Harris being a force for breeding was a good laugh.  Those poor children wouldn't be normal if their parents told them how they were conceived.

Angel cleared his throat while Gunn helped Cordelia off the floor and to the bathroom.  "How's being a ruler going?"

"Not bad so far.  I'm still hiding from diplomats.  Usually by going to volunteer on a building crew.  There's been no great emergencies since the coronation.  I've been working with the guard commanders to start a National Guard unit for emergencies and attacks.  Just in case and all that."  He shrugged.  "There's some really strange species of demons who've sent diplomats.  Some not even Giles had anything on.  I've sent him my notes, plus to Sam so he can spread that around where it's needed.  That way others know what's peaceful and what isn't, plus about a few of the other realms that're trying to live in peace.  Did you know that there's some demons that look a lot like the goblins in the movies?"  Angel slowly shook his head.

"There are.   They're a bit grunty but still decent.  They do have warlords but a common overlord over them.  Chosen by single combat between the warlords when one's getting old or frail.  There's these little guys who look like the pictures of fairies you see in fairytale books too.  Wings, the one who came had bluish skin, blonde hair, all that."  He grinned.  "They were kinda ballsy and grunty too but they only wanted to remind me that we didn't really like each other because chocolate messed up their wings and there was a diplomatic incident a few centuries back.

"I pointed out I wasn't around then.  They snorted and called me a baby and too young to know anything.  So I told them what I did know while pointing out that I wasn't the nice, peaceful, calm sort Wozaataran was.  I also pointed out I knew what pepper spray was.  They're allergic because it can eat their wing tissues.  She gave me some grudging respect and said they'd come if we had an all-out war somewhere on the realms."

"I haven't heard of either of those," Angel admitted.

"Neither had Giles so I sent him the diplomatic briefing sheets I got given before the meetings.   Madge even typed them up in a format he can shove into the books if need be."

"I'll have to get a copy from him," he decided.  "I've heard you're searching for better heirs?"

"I know I'm not cut out to rule anything permanently, Angel.  Someone's got to take over for me some day.  My council wants me to date and have kids who can be trained into their jobs.  Though they don't want me to date to find someone."

"You do date  horrible things," Wesley reminded him as he came out of the office.

Xander grinned.  "The assassin Tara introduced me to was really kinda nice.  She wasn't going to torture anyone.  She wanted kids.  They liked her until they found out what she did for a living."

"How did Tara meet an assassin?" Wesley asked.  "I heard she was a gentle, sweet girl."

"She is but Marigold was taking some econ classes at the school Tara's at now.  They shared a study group."

"Ah, I see.  That makes more sense than Tara knowing assassins."  He handed over the folder with a smile.  "That could help and I printed off what we had on that apocalypse in the making so you can hopefully find why it's attacking realms to stop him."

"I'll do what I can.  Let me know if they up the bounty on me again?"  He grinned at Angel.  "Sam, Dean, and I agreed.  We like you a lot better now that you're not brooding and cryptic anymore."  He disappeared.

Angel blinked a few times.  "I wasn't that bad," he told the ceiling.

"Yes you were," Cordelia called from where she was resting.  "You were the saint of cryptic stalking back in high school."

"Whatever," he muttered as he walked off.  "Let me know if we need to take action down here to stop that problem, Wes."

"I can do that."  He called Giles, leaning against the old check in desk.  "Rupert, Wesley.  Xander was just here to get information on Wolfram and Hart.  He said he's been giving you new demon information for the books?  May I have a copy?"  He smiled.  "Thank you.  No, he mentioned some species Angel hadn't heard of.  Warrior pixies and things."  He beamed at Cordelia since she was leaning out of the office.  "That would be wonderful.  Thank you, Rupert.  No, he's went back home once we gave it to him.  He said a few realms have been attacked by one of the senior partners.  Wonderful.  Thank you."  He hung up.  "He'll mail me a copy this week," he told her.

"I'll be watching for it."  She went back to her resting.  She needed a rest after that long cackling session.

***

Xander walked into the council's chambers, finding no one in there.  "Huh, usually they're in here.  Is it a rest day, Corsor?"

"No, Lord Xander.  It's lunch time."

"Decent."  He walked out, finding most of them in the palace cafeteria.  He sat down with them, after motioning the guard captain over.  "The diplomatic visit earlier was to talk about these people attacking a few realms."  He handed over the original information.  They stared at it, then grimaced as a group.  "This is what Angel and his team in LA have on them."  He passed it down.  "Including on the senior partner they think is the backer of the attacks.  We heard that they're looking this way.  We need to know what he's after so we can guard it or if it's about the bounty on me."  He stood up.  "If you'll tell me whatever it is, I'll work on plans with the guards to help guard it while making plans to stop him."  They nodded.  "Cool.  I'm working with the new recruits this afternoon if more comes in, guys."  He walked off.

The whole council stared at the head of the guards.  "I'll see what information we can wrangle beyond what was brought to us," he agreed, going to talk to his sources in town.   Not that Angel didn't have good sources but not all of it was objective or in the right spot to hear the right things.  That had certainly ruined lunch for the day.  And possibly dinner and breakfast.

Xander found Evarol looking over the new recruits.  "Are we teaching them to use a sword and guns or just guns?" he asked as he walked up to him.

"Swords are our usual," he admitted, looking at his boss.

"Yes, but only some demons use swords these days," he pointed out.

"I don't see the harm in training all the guards and these recruits in how to use guns if necessary.  It could come in handy if there's another attack."

"Wolfram and Hart have been looking this way."

"Then we'll definitely do that and teach some of the guards about artillery too," he decided, going to pick out who he'd trust with higher weapons.  On the way, he went to talk to John Winchester.  "Sir, can you please find us a weapons master who can train on higher weapons?  I know Xander and I both know a lot about guns but we want a few who've been trained in higher artillery as well.  Just in case you know."

He nodded once.  "I can ask around, Evarol.  Is it another attack?"

"We're not sure yet.  Wolfram and Hart is looking our way after attacking a few realms.  I'm sure he's talked to their nemesis in LA already for information but he did suggest the new National Guard recruits be taught guns as well as swords.  We're picking a few of the guards to train for artillery as well."

"That's a sensible plan.  I'll ask around."  The guard bowed and left.  John went back to his supply shopping.  Who did he know that wouldn't mind working for some peaceful demons and Xander but who could do the job?  If Caleb was still around, he'd have suggested him in a heartbeat.  Once he had paid, he called the guy who took over Caleb's supplies to talk to him about it.  Ellen had spread the rumors of Xander already so he only had to tell him that they were going to work for him as an explanation of why he was looking.  Everyone already knew that boy couldn't stay out of trouble even if he was tied to a chair inside a vault.

***

Xander found what they were looking for and brought it to the guard commander, who looked very rough.  "Long night?" he asked as he walked in.

"Quite.  Two of the guards ended up in an honor duel with some of the high born sons."

Xander snorted.  "I heard.  The idiots decided to take what they wanted without the wishes of the people involved being taken into account.  Or so said one of the young men they wanted to own."  He put down the book.  "Are your guys okay?"

"They're fine, Lord Xander," he said quietly, staring at him.  "My men did demand that they stop it and did start it."

"Protecting someone who can't do so is honorable in my book."  The commander smiled at that, nodding slightly.  "What do we know about this?" he asked, pushing the book over.

He looked then at him.  "It's mythical, it's never existed, and if asked, that's all I'm to say."

"I have the feeling that's what the lawyers for hell are after."

The guard commander grimaced.  "It's still mythical."

"So's a philosopher's stone but I found one in the vault the other day," he said dryly.

"Good point.  Well...."  He considered it.  "If they had firm rumors of it being here that might be.  Why that thing specifically?"

"Because the other two realms they attacked are where the thing's creators were from," he said simply, letting him see that information.  The guard commander muttered a swear.  "If so, can we subtly protect it?"

"It's nearly lost to time, Lord Xander.  There's no way anyone can get it even if they knew exactly where and when it slipped the realm."  He stared at him.  "They should know this.  They're the reason it disappeared."  Xander held up another sheet, letting him see it.  The other man went pale, taking to reread.  "This can't be.  They were there."

"There's some higher powers behind Wolfram and Hart," Xander said calmly.  "Like the Powers That Be from what I've heard rumored."  That got a single nod.  "If so, this could be another ploy to start a war for control again.  Which we don't want."

"No, we don't.  Especially not on this realm."

Xander shook his head.  "They can't access it from here.  It has to be with the person who was there when it disappeared."

"Only five people were and all five are dead."  Xander pointed at a line, making him mutter a louder swear.  "He's in danger?"

"He's in a lot of danger.  I sent a message to his email in case so he knows that it's a possibility that they might come after him.  They do have an office in his city."  That got a nod.  "But... he's also an officer."

"I know that.  They'll protect him."

"We hope so," Xander agreed.

"Damn it, that's bad news."

"It is.  How do we protect it better since he's the only one that can call the stupid thing?"

"It's semi-sentient, Lord Xander."

"It's still stupid to fight over an artifact just because it might have some power left.  It's like fighting over who goes home with the easy chick at the bar.  Pointless.  I want all of us out of this series of battles however we have to be."

"We'd have to destroy it.  Which could destroy the whole fabric of the universe."

"Okay, that's good to know."  He considered it.  "What else can we do with it?"

"We can pass it on somehow."

"How?"  He crossed his arms over his chest.

"I don't know.  We'd need another artifact to retrieve it and then we'd have to make it meld with someone."

"So if we had something, like say The Key?" he asked.  The guard licked his lips but nodded.  "Which is in human form at the moment."

"Oh, dear."

"Oh, yeah.  So can we use that to get it?  Or can they if they know?"

"They can and probably would."

"Then let me warn Buffy."

"She knows who's hiding it?"

Xander leaned down.  "The monks made her little sister to shield it," he said quietly.  "Then gave her to Buffy."  The guard commander reached for a flask.  "Do that later.  Tell me where the risk is and make sure he read that email."  He went to the portals, tuning one to Sunnydale so he could go warn her.  He walked out of it and into the Magic Box, finding Buffy doing her nails at the counter.  "You're going to have some major issueage."

"How bad?' she asked, not looking up from her nail polishing.

"Wolfram and Hart can use Dawn to get an artifact that they lost during a battle a few centuries back that can destroy the fabric of the universe if it's destroyed or can open any portal to any time on any plane anywhere and anywhen."

She paused her brush and looked at him.  "Seriously?"  He nodded, looking serious.  "It's not April Fools or anything up there, Xander?" she made sure.

"Sorry, Buffster.  Wozaataran and the others at that battle shoved it out of the present fabric of space and time.  It'll take the power of a major artifact that can open things like portals to get it."

"Aw, crap.  Mom's going to shit kittens for Spike."  She finished that nail and capped the bottle, blowing on the wet nails.  "Any idea when they're coming?"

"They're still searching for the site where it went missing.  I don't know how long they could keep Dawn and I'm not sure if they do either."

"Wonderful.  Wolfram and Hart are the bad guys Angel and them fight, right?"  He nodded.  "Even worse.  I'll get with him."

"Wes is with him."

"I know."  She grimaced.  "Can you kinda tell Mom and Dawnie?"

"Sure."  He walked out, heading there, finding MaryBeth at the same time since she was coming out of the donut and coffee shop.  "C'mon, we've gotta talk.  Dawn's at the gallery?"

"Should be.  Why?" she asked, taking a sip.

"Major issues," he said with a grin.  "It's spring time again!" he said happily as he walked in.

"Does that mean we've got an apocalypse?" Dawn demanded from her mother's desk, looking up from her homework.  "Hi, Xander."

"Hi, Dawnster."  He gave her a hug.  "Yes it does and they want you to get the artifact out of the void for them."

"Charming.  And what's in it for me?"

"No clue but it's Wolfram and Hart.  Angel's bad guys of the year."  He smirked.  "The artifact got intentionally shoved out of time and space during a battle against one of them.  They want it back.  It can open portals to any time, place, realm, anything."  She shuddered.  "But it's out of reach because it's between the fabric of the universe.  If it's broken it can unravel the strings.  If not, it's a powerful thing."

"Shit."

"Dawn Summers!" her mother snapped.  "Even an apocalypse isn't reason to swear."

"Unless you're in the middle of it with a sword when you need artillery," Xander added with a grin and a hug for Joyce.  "This even made Buffy quit doing her nails.  She made me come tell you."

"Thank you for the warning, Xander.  When do we think it could be?"

"They're still trying to find an access point.  They'll need her to get it for them.  Only one person knows where it went missing and he was very young at the time."

"So maybe not an issue?" MaryBeth asked hopefully.

"With them being the lawyers for hell?" Dawn asked dryly.  "Sure, not a one!" she assured her.  MaryBeth grimaced and sipped more of her coffee.  "Got liquor in there?"

"There's days it's a good idea," she said blandly.

"My guard heard that the key was available to be stolen and has been stolen in the past and reached for a flask," Xander said cheerfully.  "Which is why they want to attack our realm."  He looked at her.  Then at Joyce.  "Less than Glory was but probably worse than grad was if they get her."

"I'll keep that in mind.  We'll add extra guards on Dawn's routine, Xander.  Including to and from school."

"We can handle that," MaryBeth assured her.  "How long before they can't use it?" she asked Xander.  Who shrugged.  "Do we know anything?"

"Just what I found in the books.  Have Giles look up the Battle of Wozball."  She nodded once at that, going to tell him that.  He looked at Dawn.  "If you want more help, tell Dean.  He's used to being an overprotective big brother to Sam."

"I might do that.  Maybe he can make Buffy quit stalking me when I go to the mall with friends."

He leaned down.  "Buffy and other girls in our year used to go to the mall to sneak and see their guys and have fun in the bathrooms at Sears," he hissed.  She smirked back.  "She knows *exactly* why girls go to the mall besides to shop."  He straightened up.  "She doesn't want to be an aunt anytime soon....so yeah, stalking is probably going to keep going on, Dawnie."

"Fine.  Not like I'm meeting boys.  I'm mostly cover so Susan can meet hers and have snuggles and gropes in the bathrooms in Bed, Bath, and Beyond."  Her mother gave her a horrified look.  "Not my doing, Mom!" she defended.

"I'm having a talk with her mother," she muttered, going to find her phone number.

Xander smirked at her.  "Ice cream shop?" he asked quietly.

"Single presently but in the past," she admitted with a wicked grin.  "Didn't get caught either."

"Good job."  He patted her on the head.  "Be extra specially careful.  We'd hate to have to destroy the universe to get you back.  It might end up odder than usual when Willow tries to put it back."  He disappeared.

She smiled as she went back to her math homework.  Xander was pretty cool and he understood teenagers and their needs.  His realm must be fun to live in.  Her mother huffed out of the office, going to the cookie and brownie shop.  "I'll be here," she called.

"No you're not.  Come on, Dawn.  I'll buy you a brownie."

"Sure, not like I'll pass up chocolate."  She hurried after her mom.  She needed a brownie to consider being kidnaped again.  This time by evil lawyers.  If that wasn't a redundant statement.

***

John stomped into the Magic Box.  "MaryBeth,  you needed help?"

"Whole lots of help," she agreed.  She pointed at the girl she had handcuffed to a chair.  "Wolfram and Hart need her to go through with their current evil plan."

"Why?" John asked.

"She's got the Key in her."

"What key?" he asked.  She showed him the book on it, letting him skim it.  "That's ...how in the hell?" he asked the girl.

Dawn shrugged.  "The monks were trying to protect it from Glory.  Fortunately she's already gone," she said with a grin.  "Now they need me to open the portal to get the ultimate key to any time and place because someone kindly shoved it into the fabric of space and time's weave."  John shuddered.  "Only three artifacts might open the right spot the right way.  Two have the ability to destroy or warp it, which would destroy time and space's weave.  Only I'm going to get it back here safely.  Which is why she *so* overreacted because I was out having sundaes with my girlfriends while Buffy was stalking me.  Xander said she needs lessons from Dean."

"He'll be here tomorrow," he said bluntly.  She grinned at that, wiggling some.  He looked at MaryBeth.  "Are they close?"

"We've seen one scouting the town.  We took him out already.  Found his ID card in his wallet afterward.  I need help planning this one, Winchester.  You're the better Marine for this job."

"I can help," he agreed.  "Dean and Sam can help Buffy watch her.  How soon do they need it?"

"No time limit that we've found.  They can use it whenever they get it."

"Where do they have to go to get it?" he asked, sitting down at the research table.

"Xander's realm.  That's where the battle that got it hidden took place.  That's why they were attacking the original maker's realms to find it."  He grimaced at that.  "They know, Xander put them on alert.  He warned the only person who's still alive and was there as well."

"Good.  Will they need him?"

"They'll need to know the exact spot," Dawn told him.  "So I can bleed and reopen it."

"Is he guarded?" he asked.

"He's a cop, he's also the former heir," Dawn told him.  "He went on a multi-lingual swearing fit according to one of Xander's guards who went to warn him at home a few days ago.  A very long, loud one that got some of his coworkers in uniform called."

John smirked.  "That's probably a good reaction.  Any other happy news?"

"She made Buffy date someone living this time," Dawn said with a happy grin.

John smirked at MaryBeth.  "He still dangerous?"

"Hell yes," she said, looking at Dawn then at him.  "But better than the attraction she was showing for Spike."

"Probably true," he decided, standing up.  "Can you guard her until I can get Dean here?"

"Sure.  We can handle tonight but Buffy's in hyper fuss mode according to Willow.  Stalking isn't really becoming to her.  She's getting stress lines and her boyfriend is scared of her at the moment, thinks she'll snap and make him have stress relieving sex."

He grimaced.  "I'm sure she's done it before."  He shrugged.  "Let me call Dean to warn him and Sammy.  I'll take over watching her in the morning."

"Small point of order, I've got school tomorrow," Dawn pointed out.  "Mom said I can't drop out for an apocalypse.  If Buffy can do finals and an apocalypse, I can get decent enough grades when lawyers want to steal me."

"We can work around that," he told her.

"You do realize the middle school is only a few feet from the hellmouth?" she asked dryly.  "They blew up the high school but the middle school is across the football field."  John looked confused.  "The hellmouth's under the old high school's library, John."

"Oh."  He looked at MaryBeth.

"Which they're rebuilding in the same spot," she said with a wicked smirk.  "Because someone wants to keep feeding it teenager energy."

John shook his head quickly.  "We need to do the whole town and then move on," he muttered.

"Xander has plans for that," Dawn quipped happily.

"Don't tempt me," MaryBeth told her.

"Angel would kill us for the overrun LA would have," Dawn told her.

"I can stake him too," she assured her.  "Even if he is on our side."  She looked at John.  "Now you see why I needed help.  Or a few good drinks."

"This is a good time to have it.  How about we move her somewhere safer?  Would her mother allow it?"

"Maybe for a short time."

"No other relatives," Dawn said in a sing-song voice.  "Unless you want me to go to Spain with Mom's ex?"

"No," John admitted.  "I don't know any hunters that way.  Ellen has Jo, she's used to teenage daughters."

"Ellen would skin us both if lawyers tried to invade the Roadhouse," MaryBeth said dryly.  "Especially these ones."

"Probably true.  Tara could help ward it.  She and Bobby are only a few hours away."

"Tara said that her school's got a few demons attending," Dawn said.  "Peaceful ones but it freaked Bobby out that first night when she proved it to him.  She said it's nice, she did get a Pagan History class with some of them.  It's a split university for humans and demons."

"Bobby must've went to knock down a tree with his head," MaryBeth said, looking at John.

"Tara spent the night with Ellen while he got soused," John said with a smirk.  "She made him a nice breakfast the next morning so he could sober up and get her to her afternoon classes.  He wants her to transfer and she won't.  Said it's nicer and more friendly than here was."

"I don't doubt that."  She looked at the girl then at him.  "Think he could handle a few days of sleepovers?"

"No clue.  We can ask if it's necessary to protect her."  He called his sons.  "Boys, the problem in Sunnydale is Wolfram and Hart need Dawn to get an artifact that can destroy everyone or open a portal to any time or place.  Yes, I'm serious, Sam.  That's why, yes."  He rolled his eyes.  "Even better.  Guarding her.  Buffy's stalking but she needs some lessons from Dean in how to do it the right way.  Plus Dawn's in school and things."

"We need a PE teacher and a new science teacher," Dawn said cheerfully, grinning at him.  "The PE teacher got eaten by Dru when she showed up to boink Spike last week and the Science teacher went psycho and tried to blow us up to stop the bugs that were crawling under his skin.  Buffy and Willow said he wasn't demonic, just psychotic and out of touch with reality.  Ooooh, and we could use a good english teacher too for poetry class.  She's off having a baby somewhere."

John nodded.  "That might be a workable option," he decided, repeating that to the boys, who choked.  "Not my first choice, son.  We'll work it out."  He hung up.  Buffy stomped in.  "Dean and Sam will be here in the morning to take over guard duty."  She sighed and smiled, relaxing some.  "Then we'll plan how to protect her best, Buffy."

"Thank you."  She gave him a hug.  "Angel wants to destroy their building but I don't think it'll help since they're in many cities and realms all around everywhere."

"Xander said they had one on his realm and they kicked him off," Dawn said with a grin for her.  "Can I please have a potty break?  Before I pee on the couch?"  MaryBeth released her but escorted her.  "Thank you!  It's not like I was being bad or trying to have the sex or anything."

"You'd better never have sex, Dawn Summers," Buffy yelled after her.  "Never, ever.  I'll have mom sew you shut first."

"She wants grandkids," Dawn called from the bathroom.  "Suck it up, Buffy.  Some boys will be touching me sometime."

Buffy looked at John.  "Can we put her in a mystical chastity belt?  I figure you considered it for Dean or Sam once."

"Some things are drawn to innocence," he pointed out.  "Like that praying mantis woman Xander said nearly killed him back when he was still a virgin."

Buffy whimpered.  "If we let her be a slut will it help?"

"Probably not fully," he admitted.  "She might come into more power though.  Some witches do seem to break out after becoming impure."

Buffy slumped, shaking her head.  "Willow thinks turning her into a kitty is the only way to protect her."

"Should she, I'll be beating that girl's ass," John assured her.  "For weeks on end, Buffy."

Buffy grinned.  "You'd have to get behind Mom on that one, John.  Her first."

"I can do that.  Her hand's not used to such hard work.  It'll tire out soon enough."  She grinned but he wasn't.  "Then we'd be finding Willow a very nice pole for the burning."

"Sure, you can do that," she agreed.  She caught Dawn coming out of the bathroom and walked her off.  "We're going home.  Want the couch, John?"

"I can do that.  I'll see you after she's in school, MaryBeth.  Relax for tonight.  Gather whatever we'll need."  She nodded, going to do that while he followed the girls outside.  "I've got the truck."  They climbed in and he drove them home, following them inside.  "Joyce."

"John."  She shook his hand.  "In to help?"

"I'm here to help guard Dawn."  Joyce relaxed, smiling at him.  "Buffy offered me the couch tonight."

"He said he'll take over spanking duties when you've worn out your hand, then he'll help burn Willow at a stake," Buffy said cheerfully.

Her mother stared at her then at John. "I'm tougher than I look, John.  You won't get much time before she dies, but I'll try to leave you some."  She smiled and he laughed.  "Good.  Bed, girls.  Buffy, let the others patrol tonight."

"I'm meeting Angel and Gunn, whoever that is, in about an hour at the Bronze, Mom."  She put Dawn into her room, making sure her windows were locked before going to change and coming down in better clothes.  "There, now I won't stick out at the Bronze as being unhip."  She grinned.  "Have a good parental type talk, guys."  She left them to the guarding while she went to wait on her former hunny and his second-in-command.  Maybe he was cute and MaryBeth wouldn't angst over her trying her hand at him since he was alive and a hunter too.

Joyce shook her head.  "I've seen her patrol in shorter skirts and higher heels," she said dryly.  "Coffee, John?"

"Please."  He followed her into the kitchen, taking out her salt to start the wards around the place.  It could only help.  She smiled at his back but went back to making them a snack and coffee.  It was nice talking to other adults who understood what she went through most nights.

***

Dean hung up and looked at his brother, grimacing.  "Any good ideas about guarding Dawn when she's at school beyond being a substitute teacher?"

"I hope we can come up with one.  I'd hate to teach PE.  I can't teach science."

Dean grimaced.  "I did good in science but not that good.  PE I can see doing."  They shared a look before Dean sped up the car.  "Think up something, Sammy.  You're used to being protected by me and trying to get around me.  Find me a way that you would've hated but was effective."

"GPS monitoring bracelet and an armed guard for dates?" he suggested dryly.

"Not bad.  Is she dating?"

"No clue."  He shifted in his seat, watching the trees flow past the car.  He did have an idea.  "Know any teenage kids of hunters about her age?"

He considered it.  "Three that have kids.  I don't think any are her age but close.  I can ask Ellen."  He texted that to Ellen's phone, getting back an answer.  "Two who have teenagers around her age.  We can slip them into the school.  That's not a bad idea."  He texted that to his father's phone, letting him consider it or make plans to make it happen.  It was the hellmouth, they could *always* use more hunters there.  "Have we heard anything from Xander on this problem?"

"He's been busy helping train the National Guard recruits."

"Pity."  His phone beeped, letting him glance at it then type back a response by feel.  "Dad thinks that might work."  He put it back into his pocket and pulled into a gas station.  "Pit stop."  He got out to add gas to the tank, ending up staking the vampire cashier when she vamped out at Sam while sniffing his back.  "To steal or not," he muttered, looking at the register.

Sam stared at him then shook his head.  "Dad would be pissed."  Dean texted that, getting a good selection of stuff for the car.  M&M's, jerky, instant coffee, creamer and sugar packets, other candy for emergency energy of course.  A few energy drinks for when it'd be necessary.  Some beers for later on.  Some oil in case the car needed it and a few other car things too from the shelf of that stuff.  John sent back a text so they found the cameras and destroyed them, took the register's contents, and all the stuff they could need for the next few weeks in the car.  Opportunities like this didn't come along very often.  How many vampire cashiers were there in the world outside of Sunnydale?

***

Xander was watching the portals to check on his friends, family, and heirs when something started to blink.  He focused on it, finding the last true heir on the ground bleeding.  He tried to get through the portal, it wasn't going to work.  "I know this is 'save someone' week, so let me through," he muttered, concentrating harder on getting to him before he died.  Apparently the portals could let you go back a few minutes in time because Xander got there about when Speed's gun clicked and failed to fire for him.  Xander threw a knife at the guy who shot him.  The redhead with them shot the other one and pointed his gun at him.  "Chill, I took Speed's place."  He knelt next to him.  "Timothy?" he demanded.  Tim groaned, blinking up at him.  "Hey."

"I heard what you did with Winchester.  I won't accept."

Xander leaned down, leaning on the wound in his shoulder.  "Shut up, Tim.  You're not allowed to die.  They'll lynch my cute ass.  It's that or I've got to do it officially."

"You can't.  They won't let you," he moaned.  "I can't go through that again."

"Shut up, Tim.  Evarol!  Healers now!" he shouted, feeling a portal opening.  Feet came running.  "I've got the bleeding spot squeezed between my fingers," he told the healer when she tried to move him.

She looked around his fingers.  "I'm not sure I can heal that fast enough, Lord Xander."  They shared a look then she looked at him.  "He's passed out."

"He said I can't do what I did to save Sam.  So we won't.  Fuck his wishes.  He's the last true heir.  Get him some, now."  She produced chocolate and they poured it down his throat, watching as the wound slowed down.  The redhead gasped, falling to his knees.  "Move back, let them work," Xander ordered.  "They can make sure he'll be fine.  He'll need chocolate every day but oh well."

"He'll need to come up.  We can't fully heal it down here," the younger one told him.

"So be it," Xander agreed.  "I'm damn glad I was checking on everyone when his started to flash."  They stared at him.  "I don't know," he defended.

"It's against the laws of nature to move through time," the older one said firmly.

"It was only by a minute or two.  It started to flash when he got shot.  I argued for a minute, then it let me back in time to see him getting shot.  Now, let's work on him."  They nodded, getting back to work.  He looked at the redhead.  "It's irregular, but the person I took over for was his dad.   There's no way I'd let him die.  We'll be taking him with us and you can have him back in a few days or so.  He can probably go home to rest then."  The older healer nodded.  "Let's move him.  The bleeding's nearly stopped."  They picked him up and carried him off.  "Make up whatever story you want."  The portal closed behind them.  He put him down on the waiting gurney, watching him be walked off.  The whole council was glaring at him.  "Do not start with me.  I didn't do it on purpose.  It was an accident.  I didn't even know the portals could do that and he argued with me anyway."

"He'll have to stay as your heir," the female said.

"He can go back to work for a while and travel up to help me and Estria whenever he can," Xander said firmly.  "He's the spare heir."  They all nodded at that.  "Someone's got to tell his boss or whoever that was with him what's going on.  He'll kill us if we make him do it while he's healing."  He grimaced.  "I'll talk to him later when we can bring him a progress report.   Let Estria know while I go clean up."  They all nodded, going to summon her and let her know, plus make a statement to the local press.  He went to shake while sitting in his shower under the spray, staring at the blood on his hands.  That had been too close.  He looked up and hoped silently Wozaataran wasn't too unhappy with him ignoring his son's wishes.  He pushed it back and stood up once he was less shaky, washing off the rest of the blood and sweat he had gathered doing that.  He came out to find Estria waiting on him, in his bathroom.  "Thought you were married, Estria," he joked weakly.

"I am.  He's going to skin you."

"Timothy can try," he said dryly.  "I'm not letting the last true heir die.  He's the spare heir."

She smirked.  "I heard.  When he's ready, I'll gladly hand it to him to and go home."  He gave her a weak smile.  "You do know that it's supposed to be impossible to do that?"

He shrugged.  "I was struggling to get there at all.  The thing didn't want to open."

She rolled her eyes.  "We really must work on that hellmouth taint, Xander."  She left him to get dressed in peace.  She ended up at the healers' section, going to peek in on him.  She knew him from when he was very young.  He was already fussing.  "Do stop before I make Lord Xander come fuss over you too," she said quietly.  Tim glared at her.  She stared back.  "You're the spare so when I get ready to toss it, it's yours.  He said so."

"I don't want it!"

"Neither do we," she assured him.  "He's still looking for someone good to give it to."  She stared at him until he shuddered.  "Plus they want him to marry someone nice to give us real heirs.  Then you'd be pushed back behind them."

"Think he'd like my coworker Calleigh?"

"He likes guns but he only seems to draw bad and evil women," she admitted, sitting on the foot of his bed.  The healers left them alone.  "Even if he did do it against your will, he was firm in the belief that no one wants you dead, Timothy.  He managed to break the laws of physics to make the portal go back a few minutes in time to save you.  Then again, last week he saved one of his family's protectors by feeding him his blood so no one would expect them to marry again," she finished dryly.

"That's unheard of."

"Your father did it once."

"He was desperate and it was my mother," he said dryly.

"I don't know if Xander feels that way about the Winchesters.  He insists he only likes evil women and bad girls."  She smiled at him.  "You'll heal soon enough.  We'll talk to whoever needs to hear it later on tonight.  He said he'd go talk to them to give them a progress report."

"That won't be good enough for Alexx or H.  They'll be showing up even if they have to find their own way up here."

She smiled.  "Are we perhaps interested?"

"Alexx adopted me as a extra-pale son," he said quietly.

She gave him a gentle hug.  "She won't beat you."

"My gun jammed."

"Yes, and they were talking about the spells they removed from you," she said simply, getting off the bed.  "Try to rest.  Lord Xander learned fussing from that odd, slightly darkside witch Rosenburg.  She wanted to turn someone into a cat to protect them from Wolfram and Hart."

Speed snorted.  "That probably won't go over well, no."

"Especially not to her sister, the slayer Buffy."  She smirked.  Speed shuddered.  "Try to rest while you can.  That way if they force him to bring them up for a visit you can be awake later."  She patted his knee then left.  She found a healer and Xander waiting.  "What spells did you take off him?"

"One to collect heart's blood," she said quietly.

Xander grimaced.  "Fucking lawyers."  He stomped off, going back to the shop.  "Red,  you need to clean up the blood now.  The ones who wanted his hearts blood can use the stuff he spilled here."

"What?" he demanded.  "Who are you?"

"Xander Harris.  I took over for Wozaataran, Timothy's natural father."  Horatio gaped in horror.  He shrugged.  "Before that I was out in California, dude.  It's not that amazing most of the time.  We warned him because a law firm called Wolfram and Hart wanted and needed him to help them get an artifact of immense power that can destroy everyone if used right or destroyed."  Horatio shuddered.  "The healers removed a spell to gather heart's blood from him."  He pointed.  "If I'm right, it was a curse."

"Would that make him not clean his gun?"

"It could.  I have no idea.  I can ask someone more knowledgeable."  He looked around.  "Huh, no guards.  Madge?"  She appeared, glaring at him.  "What now?" he demanded.

"It is that special and amazing."

He stared at her.  "Me not screwing it up is amazing.  The sun rising every morning is amazing.  Someone taking over for a good ruler happens to every ruler sometime.  Everyone dies, Madge."  She slumped.  "Not that I don't enjoy the job now and then, because I do, and I didn't mean to insult anyone, even if I did, but one ruler dying and another one taking over isn't that amazing.  That's the life cycle when you're a ruler.  Unless you chuck it off to the heirs and retire, you die and someone takes your place."

"Fine."  She was still glaring at him.  "You don't seem to want the job."

"Madge, not the time or place, but I'm a hands-on, construction, weapons guy.  The only diplomats I knew before I ascended were in the books Willow read and on some spy movies," he said impatiently.  "No, this job isn't me.  I have no idea why he chose me.  Still.  Even with the battles I have no idea why he chose *me* out of the other ones like Estria and Tim and even Corsor.  All of them were native, understood the people and their needs, had training to deal with the various things you have to use little words to explain to me, and could deal with politics that drive me nuts.  Personally, I think he only chose me because of the fights coming up.  He probably had a vision and saw that someone would need to do some protecting so it got me chosen.  Because I can't see other reason since I'm so unsuited to the work."

She swatted him hard.  "Shut up and quit putting yourself down.  You've done an all right job so far, Lord Xander."

"All right is different than doing a good or a great job," he pointed out more gently.  "It's not my natural habitat unless you want me to start hunting diplomats."

"We'd prefer you not," she said firmly.  "Especially not the annoying ones."  She glared at him.  "You need to work on your self esteem."

"Have you seen my parents?" he snorted.  "Or the ones who raised me?"

She grimaced.  "That is a point.  Within a few centuries you'll feel better about it."

"By then, Tim or someone will have it," he assured her.  "I'm not keeping it for centuries.  Once there's a really good heir who can do all the stuff I'm missing and can't stand doing, plus can do what I can stand doing, they're getting it.  I've always said that to the council."

She shrugged.  "If you say so.  I don't think one's been made so unless you're ready to have children it'll be a long time."

"Maybe I'll adopt," he said dryly.  "Raise one from childhood."  She glared again.  He stared back.  She huffed.  "Would that spell or curse or whatever they removed off Tim make it so he wouldn't clean his gun?"

"Technically they said it was a curse and it would make it so he'd have to at least bleed somehow.  It was set a while back.  They've been planning this for a while."

"He had this problem a few months back but he was wearing a vest," Horatio admitted quietly.  "Where is he?"

"Safe in our infirmary," Xander assured him.  "He's been awake, complained at Estria and the healers, and he's napping again."  Horatio relaxed some.  "But if they come for this blood, there's a young woman who's going to be in more danger.  They need his blood, him able to point out a spot, and her blood to find this artifact they're looking for."

Horatio nodded once.  "I'll have our scene clean up team come immediately but we'll want access to Timothy.  Alexx especially."

"I can arrange that for your team," Madge assured him.  He smiled slightly at that.  "They want Lord Xander to leave the portals alone for now since he just did something impossible by moving back in time by a few minutes to get here before he died."

Horatio shuddered.  "Thank you," he told Xander.

"I appreciate Tim and his outlook on life.  We see sitting on the throne the same way a lot of the time.  It's not something we're suited for and we'll screw something up very majorly."  He shrugged.  "He's now my spare heir.  A lot of people will like that."  He grinned slightly.  "He's being cranky, I can hear him out of bed."

"He usually is," Horatio agreed.  Someone came rushing in.  "Get this cleaned up, Eric.  I need to make sure Speed's going to be all right."

He stared at the blood then at him.  "What the hell happened!" he shouted.

"Someone cursed Timothy," Xander told him simply.  He looked at Madge.  "Since they need him alive, would that curse be why the portal blipped that way?  Because he would've died if I hadn't intervened."

"Possibly," she admitted.  She slapped him again.  "You're still well suited to the throne, Lord Xander.  Lord Wozaataran had his reasons."

He stared at her.  "If you say so."  He looked at Horatio.  "Arrange for them to visit later tonight?"

"I can do so.  Plus make sure the mess is cleaned up by someone other than those lawyers.  The Council wants you."

He sighed.  "Of course they do," he muttered, disappearing to trudge that way.  He walked in and paused in front of his chair.  "It occurred to me that since he was going to die and they need him living it was probably the curse that let me get back those few minutes to save him.  He's Estria's spare heir even if he doesn't like it.  Madge is arranging for his friends and made-family to come visit him later tonight.  Anything else I need to deal with before I go take a nap?"

They all stared at him.  "Lord Xander, I don't think a curse could work that way," the head of the council pointed out gently.

He shrugged.  "It's the only reason I can see.  If there's a more reasonable one, let me know.  I don't know magic shit.  We all know that.  Ask Tara."  He shrugged and walked off, going to take a nap.  This job really was going to drive him insane soon.  Maybe he needed another night drunk?  No, not with an upcoming apocalypse that might get Dawn in danger.  He needed to be able to help save her if necessary.  John was good but he knew where the battle took place and could get there easier than most anyone since Wozaataran had locked it to the throne holder.

***

Speed looked up as people came into the infirmary.  "I take it you heard about the curse?"

"You're stubborn enough to fight against one," Calleigh assured him.  "I'm going to beat your behind after Alexx is done with it, Speed."

He grinned.  "They want me to stay up here forever and ever to be the spare heir."

"Won't save you any," she promised with an evil smile.  He shuddered.  "Next time, fight the stupid thing."

"I didn't realize it was on me or else I would have."  He shifted, grimacing some.  "It's mostly healed," he said at her look at his shoulder.  "Still sore but mostly healed."

"Good.  Then you can come home soon to let Alexx fuss over you after she beats you nearly to death."  Alexx stomped in.  "Are they saying when he can be released?"

"In the next few days."  She pried up the tape on the bandage to look it over.  "No stitches?"

"They can heal the wound without it," he said quietly, staring at her.

She smacked him on the top of the head.  "Curse or not, that's prepayment of when I whip your behind, Timothy Speedle."

"Yes, Alexx."  He looked at Horatio and Eric as they came in.  "It's nearly healed."

Alexx taped it back down.  "It's down to a small wound.  Even if they don't close it any more it should heal within a few weeks, Horatio."  He nodded at that.  She looked around.  "No machines?"

"I'm not on life support," he pointed out.  She swatted him again, making him yelp.  "I didn't know it was on me or I would've fought it!" he complained.

Horatio stared at him.  "When you return we are going to set a schedule for cleaning, Speed," he said calmly.  "Which I will be making sure you follow one way or another."

"Please do.  Then we'll know if they try it again."  Estria walked in with a mug.  "Must I?  It'll make me goofy after so long without it."

"Yes, you must to help that wound heal faster," she said patiently.  "If you don't drink it I'm going to treat you like I do my children, Tim.  And then I'll let Xander fuss."  Tim shuddered, taking the cup of cocoa to drink.  She smiled at Horatio.  "So, are you his mate?"  Tim choked.  "Drink, don't spit out sacred spring chocolate," she ordered firmly.

"Yes, Estria."  He finished it and handed off the mug.  "No, I'm not dating anyone right now."

"Pity.  The council thinks he'd do you good, Tim."  She smiled at him.   "They had good taste for Xander too but he's too straight to take them up on it."  She shrugged.  "Anyway, I've kept anyone on the Council or any of the high born coming in to nag you at the moment.  I've also quashed the movement to have you marry Xander so we'd have legitimate heirs again."

"We should introduce him to Calleigh.  He likes guns," he offered.  He ducked her swat this time but Alexx still got him.  "He's nice enough.  He just like guns and bad girls."

Calleigh gave him a dirty look.  "I have a friend who told me alllll about this stuff, Speed.  There's no way I'd fit in with your ruler's view of womanhood.  I'm too nice and sweet."

Alexx snorted.  "Every boy needs someone nice and sweet, Calleigh."

"His last true girlfriend was a vengeance demon over scorned women, Alexx.  She probably got to tell him all about how she tortured other men."

"He was dating an assassin one of his friends introduced him to last month," Estria added at her horrified look.  She shrugged.  "Xander likes bad girls.  Nice girls don't usually want to meet him except for that one socialite they were trying to hitch him to.  Now people are wondering what's wrong with her."  She looked at Calleigh.  "If he liked you, we wouldn't mind.  You could be the arms master we need for the guards and National Guard unit he's just recently had formed."

"No thanks.  I like my job."

"If you're sure."  She looked at Tim.  "This means you get to play diplomat when I go on vacation with the kids."

"If I must," he grumped.

"Yes you must.  Xander met the last diplomat with a rifle.  Though it was the ones he calls the flower dicked people again.  He escorted the last ruler's body home with an assault rifle.  They still showed back up because they like him to promote breeding."

Tim blinked a few times.  "The ones who flower and use their lover's energy until they're sucked dry so they absorb them?" he asked.  She smirked and nodded.  "How many has he had to kill to make them leave him alone?"

"Two now.  The first one he ripped the dick off of when it touched his leg.  The second he shot when she tried to pounce."  She smiled sweetly.  "This new one is staring at him in awe and flowering.  We had to have him removed since one of my children was present."

"Good idea.  Your kid all right?"

"Giggling madly.  She's at that age where sex is funny."

"Decent."  He blinked a few times then yawned.  "Sorry to cut this visit short, guys, but I need to rest.  The sacred spring chocolate makes sure of it."  He yawned again.

"We'll be back tomorrow.  Madge made sure we could get up to check on you every day until you can come home," Alexx said, tucking him in.  "You rest, sugar.   I'm sure you'll get plenty of healing time in."  She checked the injury again.  "Whatever that is, it's potent.  The wound's only half as deep as it was."

Estria smiled.  "Sacred spring chocolate has healing properties.  Only heirs and their spouses can have it.  The rest get the diluted stuff.  It still works but not as fast."

"I knew chocolate was amazing," Calleigh told her.

Estria beamed.  "The spring is holy to us.  We're the ones who introduced it to your people."

"Interesting."  She looked at Tim then at her.  "He'll be safe?"

"If the lawyers come after him up here, Lord Xander will wear some of his aggression and anger at the diplomats out on them with the artillery.  It'll be nice to the city's builders when we have to rebuild part of the palace."

"Good enough."  They left together.  Tim would be fine and they'd get to smack him around for not cleaning his gun very shortly.  Alexx kissed him on the forehead before leaving but that was how she was with the ones she fussed over like her children.

Estria looked at him.  "Falling asleep might not save you."

"I know it won't.  The curse was really strong though."

She kissed him on the forehead.  "Feel better soon.  That way you can help me find someone to fix Xander up with.  Before they decide to make him marry the socialite or someone he'd end up killing in bed."

"He can't be that bad."

"His last one gave him quite a lot of stamina.  That's why it took five hours to wear him out at a brothel when his former friend cursed him."

"That's bad," he decided.  "Anything else going on?"

"Only the training of the new guard unit and watching for the lawyers."

"Good."  He yawned again.  "Let me rest and we'll fuss at the council tomorrow."

"They won't let you escape again."

"I know.  It sucks but I know."  She smirked, strolling out so he could take a nap.   He was thankful the kid had saved him but right now he really hated the future as he saw it.  He didn't want to be the heir again.  He'd massively screw up on the throne.  Then again, Xander felt the same way and so far he had only insulted and scared some people.  He fell asleep worried about the marriage hunters that would be coming for him now.

***

Xander looked up as his office was invaded by a woman he didn't know.  "Yes?" he asked.

"Lord Xander, I need your permission to do something."

"Depends on what that something is."

"I wish to court your new heir."  She beamed at him.  "He would not protest."

"Speed's allowed to pick his own mates and whoever he wants to date.  He doesn't need my permission but I won't force him to pick anyone I've chosen."  She gave him a hurt, pouty look.  "Sorry but no.  if you want to date Speed, ask Speed, not me.  It's his life."

"Fine."  She stomped off, going to talk to him.  "Timothy?"

"Hell no," he said firmly.  "You tried to torture me once when we were younger."

"I liked you."

"You nearly got a strip of my back taken off.  No!"  She pouted at him.  "I'm immune to that look.  No way in hell."

Xander walked in.  "She came to me to ask my permission to date you.  I told her that only you can say who you're dating."

"Thank you for being sensible."

Xander grinned.  "They want me to date someone harmless.  None of them like me but they're trying really hard."

"I know."  He stared at her.  "I'll marry my boss first.  No."  She huffed off.  He looked at Xander.  "Thank you."

"Welcome."

"Wish you hadn't at the moment though."

"Tough shit.  They'd lynch me if you died."  He sat on the foot of his bed.  "How's the shoulder?"

"Not bad.  Nearly fully closed.  I'm sure my team will be up to check on me again tonight."

"Probably.  Madge arranged that."  He smiled at the woman walking in.  "Anyway, as I told them.  You're the spare heir behind Estria.  The diplomats like her more than they do me or you."  That got a happier look and nod.  "So we'll see what happens."

"That's fine.  Thank you for saving me."

"Welcome."  He smiled.  "If the Council tries to talk to you about marrying me, pretend you don't speak the same language?"

"I can definitely do that.  You're not my type, Xander."

"Even better."  He slid off the foot of the bed, looking at the healer.  "Catching him up to the present time."

"That's reasonable, Lord Xander.  You really aren't doing a bad job.  Even if you do jump into matters that aren't really something you can help."

"I like building.  It keeps me sane."

"Fine.  Whatever as you and your friends say."  She shooed him out.  "I must check him over."

"As long as you're not checking me out," Speed said dryly.

"I'm married and you're much too mouthy to be mine, Lord Timothy."  She came over to check his wound and his general health.  "You should be able to go home tomorrow.  That way the ones who fussed last night can finish fussing and beating you."  She looked around.  "Many would be pleased if you did end up with Lord Xander," she said quietly.  "You have skills that he lacks, including tact."

"I don't use my tact, it's rusty."  She grimaced, sighing a bit.  "Sorry, not my type.  I'm sure he'll find someone.  I'll look around Miami for someone."  She nodded, leaving him alone.  He leaned back, getting comfortable.  "What is he building?" he asked her when she went to fuss at the next bed since it wasn't perfectly made.

"He's been going down to hide on a local construction crew.  He said that's the sort of man he is and he doesn't understand all these diplomatic things."

"Oh."  He nodded.  "Me either.  That's why I gave it up before."

"Well, now you can't so you must make the most of it," she said cheerfully.  "Many like that he's named you his secondary heir, though more want you as the primary heir or his spouse."

"Won't happen.  I'll die first, thanks."

She glared at him.  "You know, if you make such statements we can easily put you some nice medicine for that problem."

"Try it," he offered.  He stared her down, making her back away.  "Any other gossip I should hear?"

"Do you think Lord Xander will be as bad of a patient as you are?"

"Worse.  A lot worse."  He got up with a groan, holding his shoulder.  "I'm going to walk around and get some fresh air in the gardens."

"Let me get a guard for you."

"No thanks."  He walked off, waving off one worried looking guard.  "Going to the garden for some fresh air."

"You should be escorted."

"Is it really that dangerous?"

"People want to bother you and Lord Xander.   Many would hurt one of you to keep the other in power."

"I'll be fine.  Really."  He walked out into the garden, sighing in relief when he saw the pretty clouds and felt the breeze around him.  He hated being cooped up inside the infirmary.  He saw a little kid and blinked.  "You're not native," he said.  She gave him a horrified look.  "So that means that you're ...  Frestian?"  She nodded.  "Xander hiding from you already?"

"Yes.  We're waiting on him to meet us out here.  We've sent a mental summons."

"Xander's not telepathic.  He's probably off building something."

"I can summon those who aren't gifted," she assured him.  "Like I could you if I so desired.  Though I don't see why I would."

He walked off laughing.  "If you say so but I think he's pretty well protected since his best friend was a witch who went dark."

She glared at him.  "Such insolence in the presence of greatness should not be tolerated here."

Xander stepped out the side door.  "If you try to harm my heir Timothy I will treat you like the little kid you look like and paddle your ass," he offered.  Then he smiled sweetly.  She gave him a horrified look.  "No, I'm not the diplomatic type.  I'm the hunter type.  By the way, that little mental calling thing?  Annoying as fuck so don't do it in my palace again.  We have pages for a reason and even ones who think they're gifted by the Gods themselves are free to use them.  Now, what did you want to talk about?"

"You're nothing," she sneered.

He leaned down.  "The offer to spank you like the kid you look like stands," he offered patiently.  "If not, I've got things to do.  Weapons to clean, artillery to pet, all that good stuff.  Plus someone wants me to start learning how to harness the hellmouth taint I carry."  She backed off at that.  "Now, what sort of diplomatic concern did you have today, young lady?"

"Who are you?" she sneered.  "We know you as Lord Lavetella."

"Alexander Lavelle Harris," he sneered back.

"Hellmouth baby," she said, looking smugly pleased.

"And the backup to a few different slayers," he agreed.  Her eyes went wide.  "It kept more things from coming for me.  Was this the usual 'this is who our people are and this is what we usually trade with you' sort of meeting or was it a problem that you wanted to see me about?"  He smiled a goofy grin.  "Because you're one of three that showed up today.  I've already got to shoot one of them.  I'd like to have a happier day than that."

"You'd kill a diplomat?" she demanded.

"If he tries to grope me again, yes."

"Oh.  My.  Your predecessor wasn't like that."

"Timothy, the one you just insulted, was his son.  Not me.  My parents offered me to him and I was chosen because I can fight."  He grinned again.  "Now, what did you want to talk about?  Because if it's just a 'hi, we're here and we do this' can we take it to the cafeteria?  I'm kinda hungry after all morning on the construction crew."

She laughed nervously.  "It was something like that, yes.  We were going to give you some ideas of other trade issues that we wanted to talk about soon."

"I'm more than interested in hearing about things that would be beneficial to both peoples.  I have some good advisors who'll help me if I get stuck."  He smiled.  "Like Timothy."

"I see."  She stared up at him.  "I believe I'm a bit tired and you said you're busy.  It'll probably take longer than a simple meal so we can adjourn this until your schedule is more free?"

"Of course.  I think I have Wednesday free, but I can check with Madge.  You have heard we're putting up a Welcome Center so you can arrange those things in the future and not have to wait around?"

"I hadn't but it sounds profitable to both sides."  She stood up, shaking his hand.  "I will talk with Madge.  I have talked with her in the past."

"Thank you.  And of course, bring any advisors you want to the meeting.  I'm always happy to meet peaceful people from other places.  One can never have too many peaceful friends."

"Of course not.  It looks good on a society that has peaceful relations with many other species."  She bowed and went to find Madge, then call her people to report who he *really* was.  Because that screwed up their agenda horribly!  This one wasn't weak minded.  They wouldn't gain any benefit by using their gifts on him and he might destroy them if he found out.  She made it back to her room and opened her communication panel, staring at her boss.  "The new Lord Lavetella is actually Xander Harris, Buffy's backup."

Her leader shuddered.  "That's a bad thing."

"He pointedly said he'd be willing to talk to those who wanted peaceful relations and you could never have enough friends as a peaceful society.  Also, did you know that Lord Timothy is back as an heir?  I didn't recognize him in the hospital garb he wore and unintentionally insulted him.  I can fix that however."

"Do you wish to withdraw from this assignment?"

"No but I don't think it'd be wise if we followed our present path.  He told me the calling I did was annoying."

"Oh, dear."  She nodded, considering it.  "Treat him like you would another gifted one."

"He is!  He's a hellmouth baby!"

"Oh!"  Her eyes widened.  "Do you think he might like to marry into our people?"

"He heard me insult Lord Timothy and offered to paddle me as if I was the child I appeared to be.  No one told him we age in reverse."

"Pity.  Make up for your gaffe as soon as possible.  Make more frequent reports."  She nodded.  "When do you meet with him again?"

"I'm to arrange a longer meeting with Madge.  He had only planned for the introduction level meeting today."

"That's reasonable of him."

"He also said that they're putting up a Welcoming Center for diplomats so we wouldn't have these sort of problems."

"Even better.  It's not a bad idea.  Arrange it and let us know."  She hung up and went to make that report to their leader.

***

Xander found Timothy eating in the cafeteria, sitting across from him.  "Do you think your blonde friend might like me?  She seems very nice and they'd probably like it if I dated someone like her."

"You can try but she's heard about you and didn't seem interested."  He nibbled a bite of turkey.  "She does like guys who play with guns.  The one who offered you last night said she could even take over as weapons master if she married you."  Xander grinned.  "I'll try to talk you up to her, Xander."

"Please do.  That way they quit giving me evil looks for dating."

"I can try.  I can't promise."

"I know."  He grinned, digging into his own dinner.  "So, any good revelations today?"

"Miami has a smog problem.  I like chocolate but not that much really.  They want me to marry my boss and he's going to throw a fit after he gives me that special 'you're in deep crap' look over the top of his sunglasses."

"There's a move to make me rermarry Sam and Dean since I saved Sam's life the other day."  He sipped his drink, looking at his plate.  "Do I want to know what this is?"

"Turkey.  She over-spiced."

"Oh, okay."  He ate another bite and some bread.  That helped.  "Any idea how to get through to them that marrying a pair of brothers is bad?"

"That's a human stigma, not one of ours.  We're not that genetically related to even our siblings."

"I noticed but they are."

"Not like babies can come, Xander."

"One of the healers said I could when I wanted.  Tara offered too."  Tim choked, making Xander reach over to pat him on the back.  "Calm down.  She only threatened."

"Is she the one that needs hunted?"

"No.  She's Willow's girlfriend.  She figured out I was trying to dose her to make her my heir."

"If she tries that, they'll get her for it."

"I know.  So does she.  She's usually a very good witch but she's got a bit of a temper now and then.  She lost it on Willow recently."

"Interesting tidbit.  Is Willow in Miami?"

"Oklahoma."

"Less trouble for me to deal with then," he decided.  "She might get into drugs or our gang situation in Miami."

"She'd probably magic your gangs in Miami or destroy your dealers instead of getting involved."

"We'd still have to arrest her for that."

"I know.  Plus make up a good cover story.  Sunnydale's easier that way since no one pays any attention to anything."

"Huh."  He ate a bite, considering it. "No one?"

"Big, huge denial problem."

"Very interesting."  He ate another bite.  "I should probably reappear in the infirmary tonight."

"If you need it, I have a guest room."

"They'll expect me to be at home if I'm out of bed.  Which means I'll need an ice pack when Horatio and Alexx get done with me."

"I can send guards," he offered with a catty grin.

"Don't you dare.  Horatio would be pissed and I'd never be able to work again."

"Will they let you go back to work?"

"I don't know."  He finished up.  "I'm heading back to the torture of the infirmary.   I'll try to talk you up to Calleigh.  It might keep her focused on something other than beating me."  He put his tray in the drop-off window then trudged back that way.  He hated being in the infirmary.  He found Alexx grilling the poor healer.  "I was having dinner, Alexx.  I managed to get some fresh air and everything."

"Sit your butt down, Timothy," she ordered.  He climbed back up onto his bed, letting her check his shoulder.  "It's closed."  She looked at him.  "Any residual pain?"

"Some.  Some stiffness too.  It'll be fine in a few days."

"Why were you out of bed if you're still injured?"

"I went for a walk in the gardens to get away from the husband hunters.  Got to watch Xander do a verbal smack-down of a diplomat that thought he was beneath her.  Read in the sun then ate dinner."

"Uh-huh.  You should still have been under care."

"Alexx, they had guards being subtle but within calling distance at all times."

"Are you under arrest?"

"No, this makes me the secondary heir."  He grimaced.  "Which is why I had to duck some spoiled girls earlier who wanted me to bear babies with."

"Many would appreciate it if Lord Xander married you," the healer reminded him from her spot across the ward.

"He's still not my type, thank you."

"There is the concept of a political marriage," she said with a smug look.

Tim looked around, spotting a guard.  "Can one of you please tell Lord Xander that the healer thinks they're going to try to force us together?  Which would be very bad for both of us?"  The guard nodded, passing that onto his guards.   "That'll help stop that."  He grinned at her then at Calleigh as she walked in.  "Xander wanted introduced you to."

She shook her head.  "He's too tough for me.  I like my men sweeter.  He's had too much combat to every fully calm down."  She looked at his shoulder then at Alexx.  "Can we beat him yet?"

"A few more days."

Horatio walked in with Eric.  "In a few more days he has to be ready to answer to an investigative panel."

"Why?" Speed moaned.

"Because you didn't clean your gun."

"It's not my fault they used a compulsion curse," he defended.

"Yes but we can't tell them that, Speed."

"You can.  They might not believe you until I turn someone into a bunny rabbit but you could."

"Stetler called it," Eric told him.  "You know how he is."

"I think he'd make a wonderful bunny rabbit," Speed said dryly.  "We can give him to some orphans to make them happy."

"Is all that chocolate making you meaner than usual?" Calleigh asked.

He shook his head.  "I've been holding back."

"Good to know."  She smiled.  "I still say you could have fought it better."

"Not if I didn't know it was on there.  You have to know it's there to be able to fight it."

"No one in Miami could've told you?" she asked.

"Nope.  Not that I know of or hang around with.  Since I gave up my title the first time I wasn't allowed to have guards who would've known."

"Will you have some now?" Eric asked.

"Xander's trying.  He tried after the coronation but they told him he couldn't do that."  He winced as he shrugged a little bit.  "No idea yet."

The guard leaned in.  "Yes, you will, Lord Timothy.  The same as Lady Estria does.  We'll find our own way to guard you so you can still work."  He went back to the hallway.

"How much will this new life impact your job?" Alexx asked.

"Not hardly.  It didn't before at all.  Now I'll have some people who want to marry me more and some people who want my support so I'll talk Xander into doing things.  Which I probably won't unless I feel he needs to hear my opinion."

"That sounds logical," Eric agreed.

"I gave up the throne the first time because I knew I'd be sucky at it.  I don't have the right temperament or anything like that, Eric.  I'd have beaten a few of the ambassadors for being arrogant pricks.  I did often enough as the heir.  Then again, Xander's shot a few for trying to sexually assault him.  From what I heard they now consider him a breeding incentive."

The female member of the council walked in, staring at him.  "Lord Timothy, we must ask you a few pertinent questions."

"About?" he asked.

"First, which of these is your intended spouse?"

"None of the above."

She grimaced.  "You're the last of the true bloodline.  There has to be an heir from you.  The council is quite miffed that no heir is forthcoming yet from Lord Xander."

"You guys keep running off his dates."

"They're not suitable."

"Well, tough," he said impatiently.  "He has to date to knock someone up so you get heirs.   Neither one of us will ever consent to a political marriage unless it'll save the entire universe and then they'd better be hiding across the universe from us so they don't annoy us into accidentally making them huff off and want a divorce.  The only times I've come close to liking someone enough to live with them, which I will do before I marry them, has been long ago.   We live a long time and you waited six centuries for my father to have me. You can wait now."

"Lord Xander does dangerous things."

Speed nodded.  "So does everyone else.  It's not like one of us can't be accidentally run over at the marketplace."  She slumped.  "As for the plan to wed me to Xander, don't even think about it.  I will help him get an exemption through to disband the council if you try."

She gave him a pitiful, hurt look.  "We're trying to do what's best for our people."

"That's wonderful but stressing Xander out isn't what's best for anyone.  Much less me.  Xander and I are a lot alike but I don't understand what drives him.  I'd need someone more book smart who liked to read with me.  Who liked my work since it's important to me.  So does he but less book smart and more action oriented."

"The Winchesters were perfect but he objected."

"He's straight.  He hasn't considered being with a boy before," he told her.  "Beyond that, you'd never get him to have heirs because they wouldn't let him go to an official surrogate to have one."  She stomped off sulking.  "Sorry," he said more calmly.  "Political BS gets to me."

"I can see why," Horatio agreed.  Eric clapped him on his good shoulder.  "They wouldn't mind a gay ruler?"

"There's more same-sex relationships up here than not, H.  The fact that he's straight is seen as a bit deviant and odd.  She's right, if Sam or Dean were female, they'd have fit nearly perfectly in with him. Though they'd hate the political BS too.  Xander's had a few good nights drunk to escape all that stuff since it's not his thing."

"Why did he accept it then?" Calleigh asked.

"Because they wouldn't give him a choice."  He looked at her.  "You don't get to choose.  You get it handed to you and then you do the best you can.  I knew I'd suck so I took myself out of succession.  Which is why I ended up in Miami."

"I suppose that's normal with some heirs who don't want the hassle of command," Horatio agreed.  "So your real father picked Xander?"

"Dad adopted, mystically adopted via the spring, many kids.  It took over a week to get through all of them saying they didn't want it.  Xander was chosen because Dad was facing his first true threat in centuries.  Some demons that wanted to attack us over the spring because they're allergic."  They all nodded.  "Xander managed that battle, the one to save the Winchesters, and another one to save the rest of us with the help of his friends and the Winchesters.  He's also starting the first National Guard unit we've ever had around here at the moment."  That got another nod.  "Xander's a practical guy.   Hands-on, construction, combat with ancient weapons guy.  He's not well suited to this life.  I grew up in it and I hated it for the most part.  Someone always wants something from you.  There's power plays.  There's idiots who want to use you and your name.  There's people who want to kill you because your dad made a decision they didn't like.  All that happy horseshit that makes me wonder why I didn't just die instead of letting him redose me and make me the secondary heir."

"Who's the primary?" Eric asked.

"That lady last night, Estria? Her.  He picked another of the former heirs to help him.  She's done diplomatic duty but even she doesn't like to deal with them.  Her family all had to move here to the palace.  They had to put guards on her kids so no one could talk to them with out the parent being there.  I feel sorry for her.  It's probably going to wreck part of her marriage.  But there's no divorce."

"That's strange," Calleigh said.  "What happens if you make a mistake?"

"You live with it."

"Damn," Eric sighed, shaking his head.  "So now you're an heir.  Now what?  Parties, fans?"

"Probably if I don't put a stop to it.  I don't want a fanclub.  Since I'm the last true heir of the last line, they really want me to either marry Xander or somehow become the next true heir.  I like Xander as a person but I'm not marrying him.  I had to shoot back about political marriages a few minutes ago.  It's going to grate on me until I snap and make someone cry, which will look bad on Xander and my father.  Such fun we have around here, huh?" he finished sarcastically.

"You can handle it," Horatio told him.

"I'm only the heir until Xander passes it on at least.  Then I can turn down my chance at the throne unless he names me directly.  Which he might but he knows my feelings and that I'm a bad choice.  So hopefully he won't.  Someone's going to try to pressure him but Xander can be a stubborn bastard when he needs to be.  I'm hoping by then I'm an uncle by extension."

"The only problem with that is who he dates," Xander said as he walked in with a covered pot.  "They loathed Anya.  They haven't liked any of my other choices since her either.  They keep trying to get me to have a royal concubine but I keep giving them disgusted looks.  So we're at an impasse until something changes."  He handed Tim the pot.  "From Tara so you get better faster.  It's her special soup with healing herbs."

"That's sweet of her.  Is she up?"

"Frustrated over finals.  She spent all day banging pots around Bobby's house for him.  He said he came in from the salvage yard and found a feast waiting.  And Willow."

"Wonderful.  How's Dawn?"

"They're overprotecting her against her will.  Still.  They're working on it but Wolfram and Hart are sneaky bastards so we're not sure yet.  If so, it'll come down to me because only the throne holder can access that room now.  At which point in time I'll blow them back to particles."  He gave him a look.  "I'd drink it, Tim.  Tara swats hard."  He grinned at Calleigh.  "Now if only I drew nice girls like you.  They'd be really pleased with me."

"I like sweeter boys, Xander.  Sorry.  You're too tough for me."

"I'm not always fighting," he offered with a small pout.  "And Anya trained me to be very good in bed.  She was kinda needy."

She blushed but shook her head.  "I don't think we'd work out.   They'd have to put up with my job."

"I know that feeling."  He kissed her on the cheek.  "Keep me in mind?"  He grinned and walked off.

"The boy's not smooth but he's not bad," Alexx said.  "What was wrong with Anya that they didn't like her?"

"She's back to her real job, Anyanka, Vengeance over Women Scorned."

Calleigh shuddered.  "She's probably very mean then."

"Yup, and complains a lot," Tim said.  "I saw her at the coronation. Them having to break up meant that she got her old job back."  He sniffed his soup, taking a sip.  "She's a good cook."

"Maybe he should date her?" Eric suggested.

"Kinda hard to do since she's got a girlfriend and thinks boys are icky," Tim said with a small smirk.  "There are lesbians in this world, Eric.  Many of them.  They're allowed to not like boys."

"I always think it's a pity but I know that there are.  What was with that one lady earlier?"

"She's on the council.  She drafted a resolution to get Anya thrown in jail if she tries to hit on Xander again.  She's the only female and Xander likes her because she explains things to him but they don't really get along all that well most of the time since she nags."  He took another sip of the soup, then finished it off.  Something in it was calling out to him.

The healer looked over.  "I felt that compulsion but it was good for you."  She turned back around.  "Not too much longer because it's nearly time for his nightly chocolate dosage."

"Will that impact his health when he goes home?" Alexx asked.

"I'll need about a cup of chocolate a day," Speed told her.  "Everyone's who's been exposed to the spring's sacred wellspring does.  Doesn't matter what type or how you hide it, it has to be enough or we starve to death."

"I'll keep that in mind for cookies, sweetie."  She gave him a hug and then stared at him.  "Tomorrow, stay in bed."

"I'll try but I will run from any more ring hunters."

"Agreed."  She kissed him on the forehead.  "We'll see you tomorrow."  She left with Eric and Calleigh.

Horatio looked at him.  "Try to discourage them?"

"Definitely.  You're cute but too angsty for me, Horatio."

Horatio smiled.  "Good enough reason."  He left him alone to rest.  He needed rest to heal so he could kick his ass over not cleaning his gun.  Compulsion or not.

Tim settled into the bed, wondering how he was going to fight Internal Affairs this time.  Maybe the bunny rabbit thing had some merit?

***

Dawn looked over as Dean walked into the gallery with someone very pale.  "Are they a vampire already?" she asked.  "It's daylight."

"No, he's just like that," Dean said dryly.  "Dawn Summers, this extra pale person's name is Billy Hunt.  He and his twin brother are in your year and your classes."

"Wonderful.  Parents hunt?" she guessed.

"Yup, and uncles and aunts," he said dryly.  "I can't get away from it."

"You won't around here either.  We're vampire central."

"That's cool.  So can you show us around the school tomorrow?"

"I can do that."  She smiled.  "So I take it I have some very pale bodyguards suddenly?"

"Yup, sure do," Dean agreed, pulling something out of his pocket to put around her wrist.  "That's a GPS monitoring system. We can find you with that as long as we're within fifty miles."  She nodded.  "So if you get to Xander's plane, we'll be up there and find you there."

"Okay then.  Any other precautions I need to know about?"

"Billy and Jeff both hunt.  Billy's better.  Especially at vampires and staking.  He's a natural knife fighter.  He'll be working on your hand-to-hand during gym since I'm now your gym teacher."  He smirked at her.  "All the girls who want to be cute in ugly shorts, I know, but at least I can teach you something useful."

"Teenage pregnancy around here is a good idea.  The average death age is around twenty-six, Dean."

"We can help raise that a bit."  She nodded, sighing at the end.  "Good.  Show Billy around town.  His parents are shacking up over on eighth."  He left them alone.  Billy could do his own plans and hitting on her if he wanted.

"I don't expect you to want me to act like some bimbo girlfriend," she told him bluntly.

"You're pretty and I heard smart enough for me, but that has to grow, not be an instant thing," he assured her smugly.  "I heard rumors of a club?"

"The Bronze.  The vampires go there too.  It's the only one in town."

"Interesting."  He helped her up.  "Show me around?"

"I can do that.  Mom, going to show Billy around."  She looked out of the office at them.  "I know you heard."

"I did.  Make sure to check in."

"Yes, Mom."  She walked out with him.  "They're really paranoid.  After the whole Glory thing, I don't blame them but they're really paranoid now and then."

"Everyone should be protected for their own good now and then.  It gives them the opportunity to decide if they want to fight or not."

"You make a lot of sense for being my age."

He grinned and winked.  "Our dad's a fierce book person.  We've been reading classics since the womb.  He hated us reading children's books."  He took her arm and walked her off properly.  His father would beat him if he didn't treat her respectfully.  Then John Winchester would.  He wasn't sure which one he was more scared of.  "Do you think your sister would spar with John so we could gauge her relative experience levels?"

"I think if you ask she might.  She needs to work out more often and almost no one gives her a challenge these days.  Plus I think she's kinda soft on him.  When we were waiting to try to rescue Xander she always walked around on his arm like you have me."

"It's how a real man escorts a young lady."

She gave him a wicked smirk.  "Lady I'm not.  Girlish, fashionable, cute, wonderfully smart and devious, but not a lady, Billy.  I still belch and stuff."

He winked.  "Good.  Girls who are ladies aren't any fun."

"Oooh, fun we can do.  Do you think we can not torment Spike?  He helps me get into a lot of fun these days and he's uber protective."

"What is he?"

"Master vampire."

"Interesting.  I can hold off staking him until he makes a threatening move toward you."  She beamed and led him that way, pointing out all the teenage-relevant areas on the way past them.  Spike opened his crypt door to her pounding, giving them an odd look.  "Billy Hunt.  I'm here to help guard Dawn from the evils of lawyers who emit slime."

Spike stared at him for a moment then looked at her.  "Your sister know you're taking a young boy around on your arm?"

"He insisted and we're going to have some less than perfectly safe fun."

"Your sister or MaryBeth would stake me, nibblet."

"Yeah, well, can't live by their rules anyway.  I'm not perfect and people like to stare at me.  Wanna?"

"After dark.  Get some dinner first.  Plan some fun for later."  She beamed and walked the boy off.  "He has no idea what he's gotten himself into," Spike mused.  "But it'll be fun watching him freak out at the Bronze."  He shut his crypt door, going to get a bit more sleep before he had to be up to help watch Dawn.  She did like to get into some of the worst trouble without trying.

***

Xander watched the people moving around the room calmly.  He *knew* something was going to happen.  How he knew he couldn't say.  It wasn't his usual hunting 'bad thing coming' radar.  It wasn't even the usual 'ooh, I dated the wrong thing' radar when they decided they wanted to hurt him.  No, it was something different this time.  With his luck it was political and evil.  Which was probably redundant to put that way he decided.  He sipped his punch, looking around again.  Everyone was looking his way but no one was coming over to bother him.  Which was probably a good thing.  His guard was looking fierce.  He looked back at him.  "Evarol, why are you getting the same bad thing feeling I am?"

"I hate politics."

"Ditto, man."  He took another drink and sighed.  "How long before we can escape?"

"You don't get to escape the politics, Lord Xander.  You have to endure it until you find or make an heir."  Xander gave him a dirty look.  "Oh, you mean this room?  A few hours."

"Cute, really," Xander said dryly with a smirk.  His bodyguard smirked back.  They understood each other very well most of the time.  Sam stumbled in.  "Sam!" he said cheerfully, walking over to see what was wrong.  And it wasn't Sam.  "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Sam, Xander."

"First, you're not Sam.  I know Sam fairly well.  See, Sam had to feed on some of my blood to save him a few months back."  The guy went pale and shaky at that.  "Evarol, can I have him as a toy?"

"No, Lord Xander.  That's our fun," the captain of the guards assured him, coming over to take custody of the young man.  "You're sure?"

"We can check with Dean."

"I'd feel better if you did.  In case he's possessed or charmed."

Xander shrugged.  It gave him a reason to escape.  He went to the portal room, tuning in one on his former almost consorts.  "See, Dean and Sam."  He stared.  "Though that's not Sam either.  There's a not-Sam convention going on.  Huh."  He and his punch went there, letting him poke Sam with the knife he always carried, watching the green blood come up.  "So, whose idea was the not-Sam convention?"  The demon gave him a horrified look.  He stared back.  "One at the palace.  You.....  You wanna find any others for me before I have to go poking the others?"

"You will not win," he hissed, changing back and lunging at Xander.  Who used his crystal punch cup to smash the thing's nose in.  It started to cry, holding the bleeding thing.  "You can't win!  It's not fair!  You'll destroy us all!"

"Only if you piss me off," Xander said dryly.  "Win what?  The thing with Wolfram and Hart?"

"The poll!" he said miserably.

"What poll?" Dean demanded.  Xander shrugged.  "No clue?"

"Never heard of it.  Evarol, poll?"

He stepped through, putting the demon in manacles.  "There's a poll every decade that names the most favored demon lords, Lord Xander.  This one's leader tends to feast on his people's innards if they don't vote him in the top position."

"How very shallow of him," Xander said dryly.  "Why don't they just kick him out?"

"Because only their leader knows the secret to how to breed and releases it very sparingly to control their population growth.  Otherwise they'd have overrun most of the realms a few centuries back.  Wozaataran hated that it happened that way but he understood the original meaning behind that edict.  The current ruler he could've done without but you know how that goes."

"I try very hard not to turn into one," Xander agreed.  "Okay, take him back.  Who runs the poll?"

"Wolfram and Hart," he said dryly.  "One of their side-projects."  Xander gave him a dirty look.  "We can bow you out of it since you're still settling in."

"Make a statement saying that I'd hate for anyone to be hurt over the ratings so therefore I'm bowing out of it," he ordered.  Evarol smirked meanly and nodded, walking that demon off.  "Let me find the real Sam.  I can probably do it faster through the portals."

"We're between jobs.  Let me help," Dean said, starting to pack quickly.

"You sure?  We're having a palace-wide celebration event."

Dean gave him an odd look.  "I wondered about the froufy clothes the punch glass, Xander."

"Not my fault.  They made me go.  I have no idea what you're supposed to do at those things.  Evarol said I couldn't escape for hours.  Fortunately there was an emergency," he added with a grin.

"Always happy to help," Dean said sarcastically.  He finished packing and checking their room over.  He, Xander, and the car appeared outside the palace.  They walked in together to the portal room.  It showed a whole lot of Sams.  Including the one there.  "Let me check that one first."

Xander nodded, tuning into the other ones.  Tara had told him how to do the floating thing so he poked the ones he could tell with something near them.  All of them bled green.  Which freaked them out and made them disappear.  John wasn't amused and started to swear so Xander stepped out to pat him on the shoulder.  "There's a not-Sam convention because of Wolfram and Hart's side-project.  They want to make sure their leader doesn't kill them all for not being the most popular.  We're finding Sam now."  He disappeared again.

"I knew he was being too cheerful and nice to me to be Sammy," John complained.  He got up and went to pack, then called his other son.  "Bring me up there so I can help look."  Dean did that, letting the truck land beside the Impala.  He went in to help.  Dean had weeded out the others.  The one in custody was human.  He checked.  "He doesn't have his birth marks."

"Sammy had that mole frozen off his first year at Stanford," Dean told him.

"Why?" he demanded.

"That heat swelling that used to bother him."  They shared a look then both rolled their eyes.  "He has most of the other scars but he doesn't show the taint of the sacred spring or the blood Xander had to feed him to heal him the last time."  He considered it.  "Is there any way they could've masked it?" he asked the guard.   The guard shrugged.  "Can you get Tara?"  He nodded, going to make that call.  She came back with him and did something to Sam, laying a hand on his chest.  The thing covering him faded.  It wasn't Sam but it was a human.  "Halfie?" he guessed.

"Probably owed a debt," the guard complained.

"Figure it out then.  Let us go find Sammy.  He gets into the weirdest shit sometimes."

Tara grinned.  "Xander too."

"Sammy had a higher demon on his butt who wanted him as an heir, Tara," John said.

"Dawn had a hell goddess," she said bluntly, making him wince and hiss, shaking his head.  "Xander nearly dated a few."  She walked out with Dean, taking a portal to retune.  Sam was in a cell singing quietly and doing something with little pieces of fabric.  "There he is."

"Pull back, let's see who has him," Xander ordered.  They saw a nice set of officers.  Xander snorted.  "Demonic officers.  Yay!"  He stepped through, staring at the officers.  One whimpered.  "Don't make me invade to get my family protector back, guys.  You won't like it.  I'll feed them Hersheys since it makes them hyper."  Sam laughed at that.

"Who are you?" one asked.

"Lord Lavetella, Xander Harris."

"Oooh, shit," one moaned, stepping away.  "You hunt with a slayer."

"Or three actually.  I hunted with Buffy, Kendra, and Faith."  He grinned.  "Now, let him go," he snarled, still grinning.  "Before I get to prove I used to hunt."

"Sir, he was arrested on legitimate charges," one said.  "You'd have to talk to our supervisor."

Xander waved a hand.  "Shall we then?"  He nodded, leading him that way.  Xander walked into the officer.  "You have my family protector on supposedly legal charges?" he demanded.

"Who're you?" he sneered.

"Lord Lavetella."  The guy shrank back.  "What charges?"

"He's demon tainted!"

"He's a demon hunter, the same as I was," Xander said simply.  "Of course they tried really hard.  Beyond that, I didn't think that was illegal."

"Only in this town," the lesser officer admitted.

Xander looked at him.  "Not his fault.  His brother was in Nebraska the last I knew.  Since Sam was with him....."

"He claimed he woke up here somehow."

"Yeah, something about a poll and some demon shape changers who said they'd be killed if their leader didn't win.  They made a lot of not-Sam's.  Now, can I have him back?"

"As long as they don't come back."  He looked him over.  "You're a demon lord?"

"I inherited."  He smiled and put down a card.  "Let me know if you need more help.  I have an heir who'll be back on this plane in a few weeks.  Beyond that, I'm often bored."

The officer shuddered.  "We've heard, sire."

Xander smiled.  "I try really hard to be good to my people and to stay out of the way most of the time."  The head officer just nodded at that, giving him a 'you're delusional' look.  "Not my fault my parents had me adopted to the great Chocolate Loving Ones."  The head guy shuddered at that.  "Let me know if one of my people become a problem please."

"We have one in the ER.  We didn't realize and he didn't get any sweets," the lesser officer said.

"I'll send a healer."  He went to pick up Sam.  That guy got brought back so they carried him back and put him into the infirmary.  "They didn't realize he was one of us.  They didn't like that he was one of us and was trying to date a town girl.  They accidentally let him starve."  He walked off with Sam, presenting him to his father and brother.  Both of whom poked him to make sure it was red blood.  "Tara found him, guys.  She's not often wrong."

"No, she's not," Dean agreed.  He looked at the scars and marks his brother had.  "That's him."  Sam nodded impatiently.  "How did you get there, Sammy?"

"I woke up in a barn, Dean.  No clue."  John walked off grumbling.  "We need to stay out of that town.  They arrested me for being tainted."

"Charming!"  He walked his brother off to Xander's suite.  That way he could nag him in private.

Xander smiled and waved at the watching people.  "Going to help."  He fled the gathering.

"Some day we'll have a normal celebration," one of the Council sighed, shaking his head.

The head of the Council looked at him.  "He's still not used to anyone staring at him."  The Council gathered together to talk about how to remarry the three of them.  It'd do their master good and would hopefully keep the Winchesters out of trouble.  At least for a little bit.  They hoped.  They didn't want more celebrations that were interrupted by an emergency demon hunt.  It was getting tiring to watch.

***

Tim faced his board and an unexpected person who walked in.  He gave him a 'wtf' look, getting a dirty one back.  So apparently they had found out and called on him.  "You needed this one here?" he asked with a head-nod at Xander.

"We need him to answer questions about how you got treatment somewhere other than Miami when you were shot here," Stetler told him with a cold sneer.

Xander looked at the few people facing them then shrugged.  "I had my personal healers come get him so he could recover in peace and quiet.  His team knew where he was."

"Healers?" Stetler asked.

"Yup, that's what they call themselves."  He sat down, looking unconcerned.  He could see why Tim hated this prick.  And hey, he'd just had a bad night.  Pity for the prick.  "He had very competent medical care that was not charged to his insurance and saved his life.  Why would it matter?"

"Because that is not how things usually happen," one told him.

"Who said I was usual or average?"  He shrugged.  "No one said that I was."

"Why are you here?" Tim asked him.  Xander pointed at Stetler.  "Ah.  Why is he here?"

"Because apparently your allegiances are split, CSI Speedle," he sneered.  "We need to know that you won't be tampering for him."

"I don't do that and he's never been involved in anything in Miami before.  Why would it matter?"

"No one takes you into their home, gives you good medical care to save your life, and then doesn't want something," he sneered.  "We think that one is a known criminal figure."

"No," Xander said.  "Tim and I share a partial heritage.  I actually took over his biological father's job.  A lot of people who knew his father would be very pissed if he had died.  Therefore he wasn't allowed to."  He gave him his best 'bored now' look.  One he had used a lot on the girls back in high school.  "We have nothing to do with criminals or any criminal activity.  As a matter of fact, I'm training a national guard unit most of the time and working construction the rest."

"They did look good," Tim told him.

Xander smiled.  "Thank you.  The council hates it but oh well," he said quietly.  Then he looked at the staring people again.  "What?  New questions?"

"What council?" Stetler asked.

"The one I technically sit on."  He waved a hand, turning him into a baby deer.  "You know, that fits you so much better.  It should be your natural form."  He stood up, looking at the horrified other members.  "Tim and I share a genetic history you might say.  My duty is to protect him and the others of us, plus all of you.  Since I helped avert a few apocalypses that would've destroyed everyone, grow up."

"He didn't clean his gun," one said.

"How did you do that?" another asked.

"I asked around."  Well, he had scried the past with the portals but they'd never believe that.  "His academy class wasn't taught how to clean their weapons.  You've had a lot of them in here about that problem."

"Turn him back," the one all the way on the left said.

Xander stared at him.  "I don't take orders from you.  Nor do I really care what you think.  Timothy is staying here because he wanted a normal life and gave up his gifts to do so.  I'll do my best to protect him, including getting one of us in as an officer so they can join the station he works at.  That way he's protected on scenes as well.  His problem that caused the gun cleaning issue has been dealt with and solved.  Other than that, Timothy doesn't get to use his gifts.  The most he has to expect now that he's come back into the open is people who want him to influence me or to force him into a political marriage with his boss.  They seem to like him for some reason."

"Turn him back," that one growled.

Xander stared at him.  "No.  Because I've had a crappy night and I don't feel like dealing with obsessed pricks who don't want to do anything but make up shit to pin on innocent people."  He stared him down.  "I'm not your bitch, I'm not your officer, and I'll be damned if I have the patience for this today with the small battle I was in last night."  He looked at Tim.  "When you're ready to rejoin us, you'll let me know.  Or I'll let you know when we all need a vacation so it's your turn."  He walked off, flicking a hand back at Stetler on the way, mumbling.  "Still should be his natural form.  Harmless, dumb, and meant to be prey."  The doors shut behind him.

Tim leaned back, getting comfortable while Stetler patted himself to make sure he was still all there.  "You picked a bad day to call him in, Stetler.  He apparently had a small fight he had to handle last night."  He looked at the rest of the board.  "No, before you ask, I can't do that.  I've never wanted to learn.  I left that life because I knew I didn't want to learn to put up with people like diplomats."

"He's a diplomat?" the demanding one asked, starting to stand up.

"No.  He's the leader of our people.  I'm now considered his heir."  He shrugged.  "What he can do I can't.  It's never going to impact things at the lab, and he's right, my academy class was never taught to clean our weapons.  Looking back, that appears to be a political problem in the making.  Apparently someone found out I was down here then."  He stood up.  "As for the problem with my gun being clean, Xander is checking, Horatio is checking, Alexx and Calleigh are still checking.  I doubt it's going to happen again."

"How much longer is your injury time?" the demanding one asked.  "We need to evaluate you for trauma from that."

"I was born among them.  I left it because I wanted to.  I made my own choices.  Then Xander had to save my butt and took that choice away.  So now I'm considered his heir.  It will not impact the lab.  Even if they all moved to Miami it wouldn't impact the lab."

"You still haven't done your post-shooting reviews or any counseling.  Plus mandatory range time, Speedle."

"I'm cleared to do that starting next week.  I don't need a shrink, I have Lieutenant Caine to talk to when I need to, and I'd only drive one nuts anyway complaining that three different brats have come up to me to try to get me to marry them when they used to torture me as a child."

"Torment, you mean?" the quiet one asked.

"No, I mean torture.  One of them literally practiced trying to skin his rabbits on my back once."

"Males as well?"

"The greater majority of our people are in gay relationships.  That's why they want me to marry my boss and I told them off.  Other than that, it's not going to affect very much.  Horatio can glare at them and me if they show up.  I'll be fit for duty soon.  Yes, I've finally been taught how to clean my gun."

"We'll consider it," the demanding one said, glancing at Stetler then at him.  "Battle?"

"Who knows.  Xander's been in a number of them out in California and up there recently.  That's why he was picked to follow my father."  He walked off.  "Let me know when you decide something.  I'm going to swear at him for showing off."

"Tell him to never do that to another officer again," Stetler warned.

Speed looked at him.  "I would've done a bunny rabbit, Stetler.  Especially when I found you outside my apartment last night.  Then you could've had a good life as a pet of some orphans.  He's got more tact than I do.  That's why I retired."  He left the room, finding Horatio waiting.  "Xander pissed them off."

"Why was he here?" Horatio asked.

"The young deer named Stetler."

"Oh, no," he sighed.

"He was apparently a few hours post battle and not real happy with the world.  At least he changed him back."

"That is a good thing, yes," he decided.  "We should try to calm him down."

"No, I think I'm going to let Xander figure out his own post-battle calming down this time, H.  I don't know him well enough to step in and offer a hug or anything.  Not that he'd probably take it."  He walked past him.  "They're considering.  I need a tea.  Need anything from the machine?"

"No thank you."  He watched him go, then looked in the room with a sigh. They were probably freaking out and ignoring the reason they had been called together.  Which could work in Speed's favor.

***

Xander walked out of the portal and found a Council member waiting on him.  "I don't care.  I haven't been to bed yet.  I just got done with another battle on the hellmouth and Timothy's review board.  Unless it's an emergency, let me sleep first."

"Lord Xander, what battle?" he asked.

He glared at him.  "Don't worry about it.  It's solved."  He walked around him, heading for his room.  He locked the door too.  Then he used the neat spell Tara had taught him last time to make sure no one was coming in so he could get some real rest.  He always woke up whenever his guards moved the door the least little bit.  He laid down on the couch and went to sleep there.  It was comfy.  It also meant he couldn't thrash around if he had nightmares.  Someone knocked.  "Go away before I have you eaten!"

"Lord Xander, do you need anything?" Evarol asked.

"Peace and quiet.  I haven't been to bed yet."

"I didn't know you had a date last night, Lord Xander.  Are you all right?"

"I didn't have a date with anything but my battle axe, Evarol.  Let me sleep!"

"Yes, Lord Xander.  We'll be guarding you from out here."  He shut up and all the movement outside the door stopped.

Xander sighed, flipping to face the back of the couch so he could sleep.  He really hated being up here sometimes.  He could sleep better in a room with vampires than he could in the palace.

***

Buffy walked out of the portal with Willow.  "Is Xander still growly?" she asked the guard staring at her.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Don't ma'am me, I'm not that old," she complained with a pout.

"Sorry.  Lord Xander is presently locked in his rooms taking a rest.  I can have a message left for him if you want."

"No, I think I need to bat him upside the head in person," she told him.

He looked at her.  "Threatening our leader is probably not a wise move."

"He showed up last night in a hellmouth battle," she told him.  "That's not his job.  He's not a hunter anymore."

The guard snorted.  "I'll let you take that up with his guard, miss."  He called him so Corsor came out to get them.  "They wish to bat Lord Xander around for being at the battle last night?"

"We didn't hear anything about a battle."

"Figures," Buffy snorted.

"He's got to be protected and stopped from doing this stuff," Willow complained.  "He'll get hurt again.  Even with all this and the chocolate he's still a normal guy."

"Who happens to be linked to the hellmouth by being born on it," Corsor pointed out.  Willow glared at him.  "It's a fact he can't deny.  That's why your girlfriend has been teaching him minor things to wear out that excess energy."

"Xanders shouldn't do magic.  It gets warped around him," Buffy told him.  "We've seen it a number of times."

"Really?  And yet the spells he did last night were good.  He's actually saved his secondary heir's life by that very gift, and he's learning the proper way to do things.  Some of those mess ups were her doing," Corsor pointed out.  "That's why she had to have some help recently."  Willow huffed and stamped a foot.  "If you don't want his help anymore, I'll tell him but I'm fairly certain he'll ignore you since you losing can mean the world ends, Miss Summers.  He'd hate that.  Even if he and his heirs are all protected."  He looked at Willow.  "We can give you a ride back to Oklahoma if it'd help."

"They said I'm fine now," she said with a pout.

"I'm sure they did, but it's not something that's fought within one week, Miss Rosenburg."  Xander walked out, glaring at them.  "Lord Xander, they came to protest you having to help last night."

"Sure, next time I'll beat their asses and then the demon's.  Since it had snuck up on the team hunting it and all that I'm sure it'd be appreciative."

Buffy moaned.  "We had it, Xander."

"I'm sure you did.  That's why MaryBeth had to take out its egg?"  She blanched.  He nodded.  "After we pointed it out to her."  He looked at Willow.  "My magic isn't screwy that way.  That was the hellmouth taint.  Thank you."  He looked at Corsor.  "I'm going back to bed.  If they want to complain, let them complain at the people who're complaining about other things.  We can have a big whine fest about me or something.  Make it a national holiday."  He walked off again, growling a little bit.  Evarol caught up with him but stayed safely out of range.  "I'm fine.  If I ever go gay it's because of those two but I'm fine.  That's why I'm going to do my target practice."  He walked into the armory and slammed the door before his guard could walk in too.

Evarol went back to where they were complaining.  Still complaining really.  He cleared his throat. "Thank you for making him want to go toward the spouses we chose for him, ladies."  They both gave him odd looks.  "He just said if he ever went gay it's because of you two."

"No fair," Willow pouted.  "I'm nice to him but he needs to be protected."

"That's why he has us," Evarol told her.

"You weren't there," Buffy pointed out.

"He managed to sneak away and still not get injured," Corsor pointed out.  She glared.  "Did he get injured?"

"He wouldn't let us check," she said sarcastically.  "He won't let anyone check."

"Then his morning dose of chocolate probably cured it," Evarol said.  He heard a large explosion and went to check outside.  "Was that really necessary?" he asked his boss.

Xander pointed at the huge demon and the two people wiggling out of it's former grasp.  "Yes.  Next time  the thing that eats kids can be done by someone else."  He handed off the housing from the piece of artillery he had just used and went back to bed.  He still needed a rest.

"Lord Xander, may a healer look you over?" Corsor asked.

"I'm fine."

"I'm sure the healers will say that as well," Evarol assured him, forcing him that way.  "He needs to be looked over.  He was fighting on the hellmouth last night."

She checked him over then shrugged.  "If he was injured his last dose of spring chocolate handled it."

Xander smirked.  "I can fight without getting hurt, guys.  Really."  He walked off shaking his head.  "Maybe I'll make a nice realm where no one else complains at me," he muttered as he went back to his couch for the rest of his nap.  "Full of pretty girls that want to be slightly naughty instead of really evil and kill me.  My own personal Kirk's world."  He slammed his suite's door, locking and sealing it again.  He didn't want to deal with people anymore.  That's why he let himself disappear as quietly as he could back to the mortal plane and went to hide at a motel near where John and Faith were.  He really hated his duty sometimes.

***

Evarol and Tara finally got Xander's door open, letting him go in to look around.  "He's not here," he told her.

"He can use the portals without being in front of them," she said quietly.

He huffed.  "I wouldn't have bothered him."

"I don't think it was you.  I think it was everyone treating him like he's dumb again."  He rolled his eyes, going to the portal room.  He searched that way for his master, not finding him.  Tara walked up behind him, muttering a spell.  That one found the region he was in because it located all those tainted by sacred spring chocolate.  "Faith's near there."

He smiled at her suggestion.  "Thank you, Tara."  He went to find those two.  John and Faith looked up from their tracking through the woods.  "Once you've managed this creature can you please find the being that goes by the name of Lord Xander?  He was a bit pissed at his friends earlier and huffed off somewhere around here."  He heard a growl and looked, then shot it.  "Shut up, you unworthy thing."  He looked at Faith again, seeing the amused look.  "Too many nags got him again."

"He having a drunk day again?" John asked.

"We can't pinpoint him.  He's shielded himself somehow.  Not even the portals can find him."

"We'll look once we've got this situation cleaned up," John told him.

"Thank you.  He wasn't injured when he went to help Miss Summers and Miss Rosenburg last night but you never know.  He was a bit...growly.  Then we had something attacking children that he blew up.  He went back to his rest and disappeared about five hours ago."

"We'll figure it out," Faith promised.  He smiled and disappeared.  She looked at John.  "Want to tan B's hide this time?"

"I think her mother should.  It's usually not polite to beat someone else's child.  Willow though, she might need it again."

Faith smirked.  "Probably, yeah."  They went to find the rest of the demons.  Then to burn them.  Her pyro tendencies loved working with John and his boys.  There were always pretty fires going on.

***

John finally found the right motel, letting Faith go in to wake the boy up.  Xander might growl at him and he'd get in trouble if he knocked him out for it.  It had taken three days, which had led to a small panic in his realm.  Apparently his council was very sorry they had made him take a vacation to get away from them.  They were even promising to drop nagging him about what he dated for a while.

Faith knocked once.  Then again when there wasn't an answer.  Then she broke the handle and walked in.  She didn't have that sort of patience.  "Good hiding job, X," she said as she kicked the door shut.

He looked up from his watching tv, shrugging a bit.  "It kept me from killing a few more people."

"Probably a good idea.  They said they won't nag you about your dating habits anymore."  She sat next to him.  "Why are you watching Spongebob?"

"It's on," he said dryly.  He looked at her.  "I need another day."

"You can't have it.  They said you have to come back.  It caused a massive panic and a threat of rioting.  Apparently the people like you, bad girls following you, goofy, ugly shirts, and all."

"No they don't."  He leaned back against his pillows.  "This latest thing proved how unsuited I am to this job, Faith.  I can't stand people nagging me.  Or the power plays.  The only happy times I seem to have are building things and blowing other things up."

She shifted to look at him again.  "We all got job stress, boytoy.  Not like being a slayer's all sunshine and kittens."

"I know that but no one expects you to breed a replacement.  Or nags when you have to do your duty because it might be dangerous."

"Good point.  It does suck to be you."  She smirked at him.  "Still causing a panic isn't nice."

"Neither is wanting to demolish the council in favor of a British style monarchy."

"They probably wouldn't like that, no."

"It'd cut down a lot of the crap though.  Not as many power plays."

"You'd have different ones for alliances.  Like on that supposed reality show."

"Maybe I should pick new ones?"

"Could help but you don't know some of the people well enough to know if they'd be annoying and bad for the people."

"I know.  Which is the real problem.  I don't know what I need to know to do the job."

"Then let Madge and them tell you, boytoy."

He looked at her.  "Madge gets frustrated or mad whenever I say I'm not good at this stuff because I don't know what to do.  She said it insults Tim's dad."

"It might but he picked who he had to so his people survived.  Now you'll learn like he did."

"He was born to it."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, he was a clan leader from a long line of clan leaders before he merged everyone."

"Okay so he did know what he was doing.  I'm sure he got just as frustrated."

"Which was why I got chosen," he pointed out dryly.

"Could be."  She shifted again, making him look at her.  "You still can't let the average guys panic.  It's not good for the little people."

"Not something you usually worry about," he quipped.

"No, but they panicked enough to come find us, Xander."

"I'm sorry they pulled you into it, Faith."

"Don't be.  You've got some good points in your favor.  They're trying to protect what they had without realizing things change.  Especially under a new head of the government.  They're all high born but they want to keep things the way they are because that's where their power was."

"Whereas I'm changing things to help the people be better protected.  Which was their problem with the national guard unit."

"Corsor said they put them on vacation."

"Unfortunately they're due to be attacked this afternoon by someone so they'll be called back."  She gave him a dirty look.  "The anti-chocolate people again.  It should've been a few hours ago."

"Which is why no one's bugged us for hours about finding you I guess," she decided.  He nodded.   "You know it happened already?"

"Yeah.  Corsor called before you got here to swear at me for not being there.  Evarol took the phone and said the unit did a good job and it was cleared up."  Corsor appeared.  "You calmer?"

"I am.  The Council is frantic.  They think you planned that."

Xander glared.  "Fine."  Faith smirked.  "Don't start.  I'll tell them you're looking to date."

"They're determined that you're going to marry your original spouses again and she can be your surrogate if she wants."

Xander shook his head.  "No.  Sorry."  He got up.  "Thanks, Faith."

"Do your best until you can find someone better."  Xander nodded, heading off with his guard.  She groaned, going to tell John the bad news.

Xander reappeared in the palace, on the stairs.  He whistled.  "Good job, cadets.  You proved your worth to the kingdom and the city."  They cheered.  "That is what you were created for.  That and to help with situations like floods and major emergencies.  For now, gather the injured and handle the healing time.  I'll be listening to the commanders' plans in a few days."  They left.  He looked at the waiting people.  "I've spent the last few days considering some options.  With the level of politics that is going on around here, I can't stand dealing with it."  The crowd started to look horrified.  He raised a hand.  "I'm not abdicating yet.  I still haven't found a good successor.  I am  however making some changes."  He looked behind him, finding Tim and Estria.  He walked up there to hiss at them.  Tim nodded.  Estria gave him a worried look.  He stared at her until she shrugged but nodded.  He came back down to look at them.  "As of yesterday morning, when the Council tried to abridge some of the land's laws, they are going on vacation.  I'm not disbanding them but I do believe they have lost touch with the normal people.  Therefore I'm adding three...."

"Five," Tim interrupted.  "There's five cities."

Xander looked at him.  "City ones that answer to ours?"

Tim considered it.  Then he shrugged.  "Five gives them equal power."

"Agreed."  He looked at the crowd again.  "I'm adding a city-wide council to handle the smaller matters in each of the major cities.  That way any local problems can be taken care of in a reasonable time without waiting to bring it up here.  I'm also adding five elected positions to the council.  They are meant for the average person who wants to help govern the society we have built.  That way the council cannot forget the normal person's needs in the future."

"Lord Tim, do you agree with this?" one woman yelled.

He came down to stand beside Xander on his left.  "I do.  The council needs changed so it can keep working efficiently and focus on what's important."

"Not on who I'm dating," Xander finished.  "Also to put some ideas and rumors to rest, I am not dating my heirs.   They're wonderful people who help me.  I cherish them for that and am becoming friends with them.  I will not destroy that by making them deal with me in my odder moments or after hunting."  The crowd laughed.   The council stormed out. "I see they're ready for their vacation to have started yesterday."

"You have no authority to do that," the head of the council said.

"Yes he does," Tim told him.  "My father unmade the council.  Xander's adding some more voices to help handle problems.  He's right, you've managed to ignore what's best for the people.   You're here for them, not your friends' pocket books.  The same as you cannot make him marry people who are opposed to the union.  It is not legal."

Xander looked back at them.  "You can't make me marry them anyway.  It does abridge human needs.  No heirs would come of it and you wanted heirs.  I can pick my own spouse, even if you don't agree with it.  I don't have to ask the council's permission to marry."

"You will or we will call for a removal," the female member said.

Xander shrugged.  "You're already on vacation.  You can be disbanded."  They gasped.  "I'm trying to keep some stability going.  The council is a good idea but has crappy ideals right now.  Me being with Dean or Sam wouldn't make the people safer.   Things always come for hunters.  Some higher demon would come back some day for them or me.  If you don't believe me, go finish summoning the one that one of you was starting to call up."  He moved closer.  "I'm about to make all of your positions elected," he told them quietly.  "I'd stop and go on vacation before you piss me off enough to remove you all.  The council serves the crown by helping it deal with matters that are bothering the people.  Some of you have forgotten that."  He stepped back.  "So the history lesson I was given told me."

"The council does serve the crown, not the other way around," Tim agreed.

"I almost decided on a British style monarchy," he told him.

"It's be a really small parliament but the council can do that.  That would take some of your power; it would only work if the council was working for the good of the people."

"I had hopes they would but apparently I'm wrong," he told him.  He looked at the people again.  "The elections for those five new seats will be held next month.  That's not much time but we'll figure it out.  This first term is for one year.  After that, every two."  The people babbled at that.  He raised a hand.  "To settle any other rumors, my bedroom is not more than a topic of gossip.  If and when I marry I will find someone who wants me for me.  I will make sure they're good for the people but who that becomes is not open for debate.  I'm not going to chain myself to someone I don't like for our very long lifetimes.  As marriages can't be dissolved if there's problems, I'm going to make damn sure I know what I'm getting into."  The crowd cheered at that.  One of the judges stepped forward.  "Have I broken some law?"

"No, though they have petitioned the court to reinstate your first marriage."

"They're human and by human standards it's disgusting to sleep with your brother.  Not to mention the threats that could come for them up here.  Or the fact that we all like girls so it's an unsuitable and unreproducing marriage."

"There are ways around that."

"Sleeping with a surrogate to knock her up is cheating to me.  I'm not going to cheat on my future lover.  That's not a marriage, that's hell."

"What of that one slayer, Faith?"

"She's like a sister to me.  We had fun that one time but she's not interested in having me again.  She made herself clear on that point."

"I can agree to that.  But you did give Samuel some sacred spring chocolate through your blood."

"He was going to die if I didn't act.  That's why I did it that way."

"It can only be done when deeper feelings exist," Tim said quietly.

Xander looked at him.  "I don't have many true friends I can lean on.  I would count them like that."  He looked at the judge again.  "Even if you order it to happen, we will not be admitting to the marriage and we will not be behaving as married, which is a bad influence on the people and a bad example for the children who're raised here.  I have to think about them."

"You do, but there is more to a happy marriage than having heirs."

"I know.  Which is why I'm going to consider whoever I choose very carefully.  Even I wanted a male, they still like girls, which means we're not suited."

"You will marry them," one of the council shouted.

"Arrest him," Xander ordered.   The crowd and the judge gasped.  He looked back there.  "Trying to hamper me doing my job and do it well is not legal.  Trying to make me marry Dean and Sam means that I can't do my job correctly.  You want them up here that much, offer them a house or something."  He looked at the judge again.  "We're not meant to be together.  They're my family's protectors and my friends.  Nothing more at this time.  If I do decide on them, I'll announce it.  Also I'm putting a monument up at Wozball to commemorate the battle."

"But if you add anything to that room, the thing isn't able to be retrieved," Tim said.

Xander looked at him.  "Can you see any reason that we might need it?"  Tim slowly shook his head.  "Exactly," he said with a grin.  Tim smirked back.  He looked at the crowd.  "I'd like the people to submit a design."   He looked at the judge, who was smirking evilly.  "It's good to honor the well-fought battles of the past."

"It is," he agreed.  "Also very useful."  Xander tipped his head in thanks.  "What of that young one you're protecting?"

"Dawn?"  He nodded.  "She's underage.  She's like my kid sister.  I could never be involved with her.  I couldn't put up with her being so fashionable.  I'm a practical person.  Find me someone like a female Dean or Sam, and I might like them.  But I won't break up their team and I won't hurt that family."

"That's wise," the judge agreed.  "The people will still speculate."

"Let them.  They can gossip but my bedroom is not the place for politics or law.  You can't legally endorse love."

The judge smiled.  "That is very true.  Thank you for that reminder."  He looked at the council.  "It is his right to put you on vacation if he thinks the council is causing harm.  It is a nicer step than having him disband you."

"I'm also adding the five elected positions and creating city-wide councils to handle the local problems so we can focus on the major things."

"That's very wise," he agreed.  "How will we know who is open to it?"

"Anyone can run but I would prefer it if they were normal people.  People who have worked, lived, and sweated over what's going on.  They know what the people need."

"Good.  We like that plan on the judicial panel."  He bowed.  Xander bowed back.  "May your reign last."

"Some day I'll give it up to a better prepared heir."

"Agreed.  Once you find them, take the time to groom them."  He walked off.  The council yelled but he ignored them.  The king was right in his doings.

Xander looked at the council.  "Have fun on your vacations.  Talk to the people you serve, that way you come back with better ideas of what's needed so I hear them."  He looked at the people.  "Beyond that, is there anything that needs to be heard today in a public forum?"

"The new unit, are they on leave?" one guard asked.

"If they need to take the time to mentally heal from their first battle, they shouldn't be needed for the next few days.  They can have the rest of this week off to heal then start training again next week."

The guard nodded, going to tell the commanders that.  "Thank you, Lord Xander," he called as he walked off.

"Welcome.  I'm a reasonable, practical person and I've been where they are."  He looked at the general people gathered again.  "Any other issues that need to be addressed this way?"  No one said anything.  "Good.  Then let's wish the council a good vacation and we'll see them back after the election with their new members."  The crowd cheered.  Xander watched as they stomped off.  He walked back inside with Tim and Estria.  "Thank you," he said quietly.

"Needed to happen," Tim told him.  "My father never had problems like that after he disbanded it the first time."

Xander smiled.  "I don't know who to replace them with if they quit or get fired.  Homic was suggested by them."

"If a high born runs would it be acceptable?" Estria asked.  "I know of a few who have sense and compassion."

Xander shrugged.  "I want the best ones for the job.  Let them take the place of whoever quits."

"Most people who can do the job well don't want it," Tim told her.

"I know but he'll accept it now.  He's frustrated."

"There's the new city councils and probably at least one seat open," Xander told her.  "Five high born, five normal people."  She nodded at that, going to suggest it to him.  He looked at Tim.  "Thank you."

"Welcome."  He smirked.  "Thank you for turning Stetler back.  They think you're more dangerous than our gang problem."

Xander smirked.  "I don't try to destroy a city or claim it if it's not already mine to protect.  You can assure them of that.  I have more than I ever wanted up here."

"I did.  Horatio was amused."

"Good.  He looked like he could use some recently."  He stared at him.  "You've been spelled again."

"I noticed that.  I'm going to impose on Tara soon."

"Let me do something."  He went to pull Willow up, walking her fuming butt out to where Tim was.  "Someone magiced him.  He's an officer.  They nearly killed him the last time and he's my heir.  Think you can stop it from happening after you take it off?"

She looked him over.  "Its not hard."  She looked at him.  "You're trusting me to do this?"

"Mostly.  Tara's in class too."

She nodded, moving closer to him to remove the spells.  Then she cast a shield over him.  Tim wiggled some but it fit itself after a moment.  She smiled.  "There you go.  I don't know why gang members are using witches."  She went to look that up, calling Buffy on the way.  "There's witches in gangs in Miami.  Xander's heir is a police officer and he got cursed by a few of them.  That's what I'm doing, yeah."  She hung up and sent herself there, going to use the park for a bit.  It was a nice park.  Felt very good magically and with the bright sunlight shining on her.  The gang member who was out there fighting with his girlfriend could be her first test subject.   Yeah, that spell set would help Miami a lot.  She beamed at the girl.  "He can't hurt you now."  She walked off, going to see where she could cast it easiest.  She had liked Tim when he had chewed her a new one recently.  He hadn't harped on her magic addiction at all.

Tim looked at Xander.  "That's probably dangerous."

Xander nodded.  "She's doing good for the world.  Means I don't have to shoot them and neither does your boss.  If he doesn't like the idea, have him talk to her.  She could use another nagging parent figure and he could use another project."  He stared at his heir until Tim gave him an evil smirk.

That would definitely get Horatio off his back.  Tim went back to work.  Horatio looked up as Tim stomped into his office.  "New problems up there?"

"Xander had Willow remove the spells off me this time and shield me so it can't happen again."

"That's good to hear."

"She's also looking at how to make our gangs more harmless.  I caught her magicing one in the park so he couldn't hurt his girlfriend."

Horatio considered that for a moment.  "That might be good."

"She's on her way to the beach that way."  He wrote down an address and description.  "If you don't want her to do that, I'd talk to her now before she hits more of them.  Before some of them piss her off and she turns more of them into kitties."

"I can definitely ask her about her ideas."  He got up and grabbed his sunglasses, heading down to find her and talk to her.  It wasn't that hard to find her.  People were avoiding her for some reason.  One even pointed her out to him.  He walked that way.  "Miss Rosenburg?"  She spun, looking at him.  He smiled.  "Lieutenant Horatio Caine, ma'am.  I'm Timothy's boss.  Can we talk about this plan of yours?  That way I make sure you won't be harming the citizens any?"

"Sure," she agreed with a smile.  "Maybe you can help me figure out how to cover a gap I just realized I'd have."  She walked off with him, babbling about her ideas.  He was easy to talk to and he didn't nag either.  Maybe she should move to Miami since so many of them didn't nag.

***

Xander appeared where John, Bobby, Faith, and Tara were handling a problem, handing over a letter.  "I found her a new mentor for her plans to make gang kids more harmless."  He smirked at John.  "The council's on a vacation."

"I heard that.  One came to complain and I told him if he tried to force Sammy, Sammy and Dean would shoot him."

"If it was Homic, I was about to anyway."  He smirked at Tara.  "She said they don't nag."

She nodded once, looking over the letter.  Then she huffed.  "She can't do that."

Xander shrugged.  "Talk to Horatio about magical ethics.  He's Tim's boss, the redheaded guy with the sunglasses.  Or talk to Alexx, his adopted mom."  He shrugged and disappeared.

Bobby plucked the letter from her fingers to look over, then sighed.  "That's not a great plan but it's not fully dark."

John took it but Tara took it back and put it in her pocket.  "I'll be talking with my girlfriend later."

"If you need to switch girlfriends, we'll make sure your next one is sweeter," Bobby assured her, getting a smile and a hug for that.  She walked off muttering.

John looked at Bobby.  "That bad?"

"She's got a plan for how to make the gang kids down there fight less and be less violent so they quit causing as many problems.  Apparently one of them wanted the crime lab to leave him alone so they've been magicing the officers."

John nodded.  "Do they need a hunter?"

"They've got her, John."

"True, she could probably make them beg to never do it again."

"It probably gets Caine off his boy's back too.  Gives him someone new to fuss over instead of Tim."

"Probably," John agreed, seeing the plot for what it was now.  "Xander is really sneaky."

"Yeah, he is."  Tara yelped then something screamed.  They ran to check on her.  The demon they had been hunting was down.   Faith came out of the woods she had been searching for it in, making sure it was dead by stabbing it in the heart.  Bobby looked Tara over.  "Are you okay?"

She nodded.  "I'm not bad."

"No, you're not," Faith agreed.  She saw the letter on the ground and picked it up to glance at.  "Huh, Red's going strange."

Tara took it back and put it back in her pocket.  "It's good they're more subtle than nagging."

Faith gave her a hug.   She clearly needed it.  "It'll be good for her to be mom'd like Bobby does to you."  She smirked at the girl.  "By the way, B said your stepmom called looking for you at the Magic Box."

"That's interesting to hear," John said casually.  Faith smirked at him.  They clearly had the same idea.

"I think we can take Tara girl here to see her folks," Bobby said with a grin for her.  "That way they know that you're safe, doing good in school, and happy."

She looked at them then sighed.  "Don't hurt him."

"Hush," Bobby ordered.  "Before I paddle them for your enjoyment, girl."

Tara gave him a pat on the arm.  "You're getting scary like Xander can."

He smiled.  "Thank you."  He walked her off.  Faith and John always had a lot of fun with the burning so he'd let them do that while he took Tara home to show her how a real man treated guys like her father.  That way she'd heal a bit more and could find a good girlfriend that stayed sweet instead of turning into a bad witch.

John and Faith shared a look.  "He won't save us any, will he?" Faith complained.

"No.  We can still go help.  I hear she's got brothers and a stepmother."

"I'm there."  She pulled out her lighter.  John had the lighter fluid this time.  After a short, pretty bonfire they tracked where Bobby had went by calling Buffy to see what town they needed to hit.  They'd casually run into Bobby there tomorrow.

***

Xander watched the Bobby vs. Tara's Parents showdown on a portal.  He had pulled in a chair, had some snacks, had a soda.  His guards were giving him confused looks but Xander was clearly enjoying himself this time.

Bobby walked Tara into the police station.  He had learned two of her brothers were cops.  That just made what was going to come all the sweeter.  He smiled at the desk girl.  "Is Sgt. Kenderson in please?"

She gave him an odd look.  "We don't get many requests for her, sir."

"I think she needs to talk to this young lady."  Tara gave him a hurt look.  "Please."  She nodded and called the person.

A stocky brunette with blonde streaks came out of the back, giving them a confused look.  "You have information you think I need to hear, sir?"

"I think Miss Maclay does."

"I didn't know they had a sister."

"There's probably a good reason for that.  May we?" Bobby asked.  She led them back to her office.  The plaque on the door that said Internal Affairs was very nice to him.  "Tara, want me to sit outside?" he asked when she turned nervous enough to start trembling.  "I can if you want."

She shook her head.  "No, I'll be okay," she assured him quietly.  She stared at the officer, reading her for a moment.  "Did you know about my father and brothers?"

"I had no idea they had a sister," she said honestly.  "Since I've been in this town for over fifteen years, I should've seen you at least once.  Why didn't I?"

Tara turned and lifted up the back of her shirt to show off some scars.  Then she turned and put it down, staring at her.  "Now they're married with girls of their own," she said quietly.  "I won't have my nieces or their wives turn into the slave my father made me after he ran my mother to death."

She stared at her.  "Ran her to death how?  Sit, girl.  Please.  If they're that bad, I don't want to wear the same badge they do."  Tara sat down delicately.  Bobby sat beside her, putting an arm around her shoulders.  "Boy friend?" she guessed.

"I'm watching over Tara while she's in college near me.  That way she has someone to go to when she needs to talk and fuss over."

"Good.  All kids need a decent parent to grow up straight."

"I had my mother," Tara offered.

"Her I kind of remember.  I remember her funeral."  She looked at the girl then at Bobby, nodding for him to go.  He nodded, stepping outside.  "Tell me what they did, Tara, and I'll see if I can make them miserable for it.  I definitely won't let them hurt your nieces.  Guys who hurt their wives and children get my foot up their hind ends."  The girl smiled and relaxed some.  She knew most abused people were told that no one would believe them but this was a bit extreme.  "What happened to your mother?" she asked more gently.  Tara looked down at her hands then told her.

***

John watched as Bobby smiled and walked up to Tara's father.  "Damn it, he didn't leave me any," he complained quietly to Faith.

"Me either but I heard B got them once."

John smirked.  "Good.  Shows she did learn some things from her mother."

Bobby smirked at the guy who was about his age.  "You'd be Tara's father, wouldn't you?"  The man flinched.  "Bobby Singer.  She's helping me around my salvage yard while she's in college."  He smirked.  "Heard you were looking for the girl."

"Figured she'd find a man to protect her finally," he sneered.

Bobby leaned down to get into his face.  "I'm a widower.  I don't need a nice, sweet girl like Tara is.  She needs a good girl of her own.  I'm a stand-in father since you did so poorly."  He stood up again when the man glared.  "By the way, might wanna talk to your boys about how their families are now in protective custody since they're losing their badges today."  Tara walked up next to him.  "You okay?"

"I'm good.  My stepmother's nicer when he isn't around."  She looked at her father.  "It's good to see what real men are like, Father, and that they aren't like you.  It's helped me heal a lot of things."  She looked at Bobby.  "I got Rumsfeld a new toy."

"That's sweet of you.  You spoil my dog horribly."  He smirked at her father.  "Don't bring your filth and your problems near the girl again.  Or they won't be protecting you when you go to jail too."  He got up to get into Bobby's face, taking a swing.  Unfortunately, Bobby was a hunter and knew a bit about fighting.  Took him three hits but Tara's father was on the ground moaning very nicely.

Tara looked at him.  "You're turning into John."

He smirked at her.  "He deserved worse.  And I think that's what he's got," he said, spotting the officer with the paper in his hand.  "If he presses charges, so be it."

"He won't be," the officer assured him, hauling Tara's father up.  "Rory Maclay, you're under arrest for spousal abuse, child endangerment, six charges of child abuse and neglect to cover your daughter and grandchildren, and for littering the sidewalk by laying on it.  You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.   You have the right to an attorney.  If you can't afford one, one will be appointed for you.  Do you understand these rights?" he asked blandly.

"How dare you," he sneered at his daughter.

"I'll never let you do to my nieces what you did to me and my mother.  I'm stronger than you are, Father, and you made sure of it."  Bobby patted her on the shoulder.  "He's a much better father than you ever were."  She walked off, leaning on Bobby's arm shaking.

He smiled at her.  "I'm proud.  You did good, Tara."  She smiled at him.  "Let's head home to spoil the pets some more.  You clearly turned Rumsfeld back into a puppy."

She smiled.  "He's a big puppy anyway.  Even if he is scary and hunts demons, Bobby."

"True, he can still hunt.  Seems to go worse now on 'em really.  Must be protecting you harder."  She blushed but smiled at him.  He smirked at John.  "Sorry to take your fun."

"They'll have fun with him in jail anyway," John told him.  "You do good as an overprotective father, Bobby."

"You rubbed off on him," Faith told him with a smirk of her own.

Tara squeaked and blushed.  "Don't say things like that, Faith.  One of the hunters in Sunnydale thought the same thing," she told the guys when they gave her odd looks.

"Clearly they got one too many concussions," John told her.

"I'm not that desperate," Bobby told her.  Faith cackled and batted at his arm but they walked off together.  "You gonna spank 'em for that thought?" he asked John.

"I'll get Joyce to.  It might help more if a mother did it to them.  They might think I liked them too.  I have to tell Ellen that.  She'll cackle just like Faith is."  He walked off shaking his head.

Bobby snickered all the way back to his car.  That was too cute of the girls.

***

Xander smirked at his staring guards.  "See, he's good to her."

"Very," Corsor agreed happily.  "She could use a mentor and father figure."  He patted his boss on the back.  "You're missing work for this?"

"Yup.  I wanted to see that showdown.  Tara has nieces.  She won't protest for herself but for them....  Her momma just got revenge."  He packed his things up and went to his office to look over things that needed to be done.   Something always did.

The guards shared a look.  Xander was really good at politics after all.  Clearly they had underestimated him again.

The End.

Table of Contents

Chocolate Freaks Are *So* Natural. 2

Coronation of the Chocolate Freak. 53

Not Even Chocolate Will Cure This. 115

The Chocolate Freak and the Council of Doom and Annoyance. 149